joyful living.

Indiana: Home Sweet Home

2011-09-16T14:40:00.000-04:00

We made it!!! :) Despite the 103 degree temps and lots of aching muscles, our moving truck finally made it to Indiana at the beginning of September. LOTS going on, LOTS of stuff in storage, LOTS of new (but wonderful) changes, and already LOTS of time spent with wonderful people we have so dearly missed. Indiana, I love you!!! (I'm not so fond of your 50 degree temps lately however--looks I arrived just in time for fall!)

I started my new job at Methodist on Monday and it's been a loooong week of meetings, exams, validations, etc. Boo. Can't wait to start on my unit and take care of some really sick trauma patients! Although I know the road will be challenging, I think I (and God) am up for it! During my short career, I have looked up to so many experienced nurses that I think are just incredible. I know my new position is going to refine me and mold me into one of those nurses I look up to! Can't wait.

Heading to C'ville's homecoming tonight...Should be interesting. Sometimes when I go home to Crawfordsville, I duck behind aisles in the grocery store or pretend I don't see people I know. (Terrible, I know). It's painful to make awkward, small talk a lot. Other times, I look forward to going somewhere I know I will recognize people. I've missed that at times while being in Kentucky...So, we'll see what kind of mood I'm in tonight :) I'll probably end of having the same conversation over and over 100 times. Ha.

I'm planning on enjoying the weekend (off 'til Monday!) and I hope you do too! Ciao!

exciting/new/unexpected life things! :)

2011-07-15T22:42:00.000-04:00

soooo, it's been a while. but isn't that how i start off every post? ha. i'm really not made for this whole blogging thing and between being crazy busy at work and being too cheap to pay for internet at home...it's a bad combination. BUT, there are a few noteworthy things going on in our lives i want to record, even if it's only for me later.

1. ben's health is still a big issue, still a big source of stress and frustration, but we've been paying out of pocket to see doctors in indianapolis because UK has been less than wonderful. it's proving to be a good experience and i'm told that within the next year or so, i should have my incredible, loving husband back to sound health. PTL for that!
2. ben and i have been (at the advice of my pastor's wife) praying together twice a day everyday. that may not seem like much, but take into account the hardship we've been through and how it took a huge toll on us spiritually both as individuals and a couple, and i'd say we're making good progress. it's amazing how prayer can dissipate your anger and bitterness and turn it into love and compassion for one another.
3. because of ben's debilitating illness, he was unable to finish his semester at asbury. we've decided some time off is a good thing and he won't be returning to asbury when and if he decides to resume his studies.
4. because of point #3, we have nothing holding us in kentucky. family support and being surrounded by friends is always the better option...so we're moving back to indiana!!!
5. we recently put a deposit down on an apartment in carmel and we're to move in in september! :)
6. i'm still applying for jobs, but today while i was sleeping (i worked last night and am currently working), a recruiter from IU Health called and wants to set up an interview. it is a complete answer to prayer because they have over 20,000 applicants/month and i was told it might be 30 days before they even process my application. it's been 12! yay!

so, that's ben and stacey news, but we also recently spent time in indiana hanging out with my family, celebrating my sister's bday, celebrating my fil's bday, etc. it was a great time of relaxation and lots of laughter. i still have the most amazing niece and nephew and incredible dog in the whole world. ha.

tonight i am counting my blessings and prasising the Lord for giving me the strength to endure these last 12 months...it is by Him alone that i even take my next breath and it is from Him alone that we beg for mercy and grace each and every day. all glory and honor to You, Father.

do not fear.

2011-03-02T05:00:00.000-05:00

i wish i had the cure for worry. i've slept approximately 6 hours in the last 48 and here i am wide awake with so much on my mind. i hate to be vague (and my last post was uncharacteristically transparent), but it just makes me cringe sometimes when i read things on facebook, etc. that are better left to yourself. i wish i had better news to report since i wrote that post on february 9th, but the truth is things have only gotten harder. for the last few weeks i thought things were looking up... it was as if i could feel the prayers being lifted on ben and i's behalf and i had hope for the first time in months. but for some reason this past week, we took 1 step forward and 10 back. i think i posted back in december about ben's health issues and wishing we had answers...there are still no answers and we are becoming desperate both as individuals and as a couple.

i wish that i could post something really happy and uplifting like the blogs of those i read. i would love to post about something crafty i'm doing or about the really fun weekend we had or even about the new, great recipe we tried. but the truth is, our life has become debilitated by what's going on and i have nothing but piles of laundry, dishes, and layers of dust building up in my house and this blog to share my feelings with. not exactly the greatest writing material. those things just haven't been the priority. oh, and if you're reading this and wondering where your wedding thank-you is...most have been written since october, but that too has just not been the priority. it's amazing the things that don't seem important anymore...hence the reason i haven't had a shower in three days. ha.

i was reading lamentations 3 to ben last night before he fell asleep and i just couldn't help but feel like i might have written it myself. the writer feels abandoned, alone, like his prayers are not being heard...but deep down inside somewhere, recognizes God's goodness and he hopes again. i just want to be able to hope again...to not be afraid to pray for blessing and only be met with disappointment and heartache. i'll leave you with some of the verses that resonate with me, but if you're reading this and you're a praying person, please pray. we're in the middle of the fire. (and i'm pretty sure i just became that post that makes me cringe sometimes. oh well. life is messy.)

lam. 3

⁷ He has walled me in, and I cannot escape.
He has bound me in heavy chains.
⁸ And though I cry and shout,
he has shut out my prayers.

¹¹ He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces,
leaving me helpless and devastated.

¹⁵ He has filled me with bitterness
and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.

¹⁷ Peace has been stripped away,
and I have forgotten what prosperity is.
¹⁸ I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”

¹⁹ The thought of my suffering and homelessness
      is bitter beyond words.
²⁰ I will never forget this awful time,
      as I grieve over my loss.
²¹ Yet I still dare to hope
      when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
      His mercies never cease.
²³ Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
      therefore, I will hope in him!”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
²⁶ So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.

³¹ For no one is abandoned
      by the Lord forever.
³² Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
      because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
³³ For he does not enjoy hurting people
      or causing them sorrow.

⁵⁵ ...I called on your name, Lord,
      from deep within the pit.
⁵⁶ You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading!
      Hear my cry for help!”
⁵⁷ Yes, you came when I called;
      you told me, “Do not fear.”

2011-02-09T16:16:00.001-05:00

it's okay to just be sad sometimes, right? because today i'm sad. just so, so sad. i've been sad most days in recent months it seems...and it's getting harder and harder to truly believe that God sees my situation and cares. but i know that i know that i know that God is good, that He is faithful, that He has seen me through a lot of tough situations in life. sometimes i lay in bed at night and wonder if everything difficult i went through growing up was preparation for this most difficult time. had i not been made strong, not learned to believe that there is light at the end of tunnels, i'm sure i would have broken down long before now. but God, here i am in my brokenness...i'm wholly surrendered to You. please see me through my darkest hour and help me know You are near. give me strength because i have none and help me to believe that You are enough. i want for You to be enough.

uncertainty.

2010-12-10T01:29:00.002-05:00

if you know me, you know i'm a planner, slightly anal, and a bit of a control freak. i hate not knowing what the future holds or having a way to explain current circumstances. sometimes things are the way they are simply because they are and the Lord says it's best. it drives me crazy.

to be vague but not too vague (how much of your life is okay to share with the blogging world?), ben and i have been going through...some things. our marriage is wonderful, no worries, but there are extraneous circumstances that have been challenging lately. some might even say "hard". it's nothing we can control, nothing we can figure out at this point, and the hardest part is not even actually going through it all. the hardest part is wanting an answer and not knowing if we'll ever get one.

we pray about our circumstance a lot together and as many times as i say, "i trust You, Lord. i know you see our situation and You haven't forgotten us. i know You love us more than we can imagine and You only desire good for our lives.", my faith is lacking. granted, it's improved over the last (almost) five months, but there are still moments when i ask "why?" and tell God i'm mad at Him, ask Him what in the world He is doing. i wish i trusted more. you'd think after truly following the Lord for the last seven years i would know that He is faithful and He has never let me down, that even all the bad and hard things i've gone through in life have been for my betterment. but still, i falter.

where does true faith come from? how do you force yourself one way when everything in you is fighting to go the opposite? i wish i knew the answer, but tonight i do know in my heart of hearts that God is good and that He is using our situation to mold and grow us and bring us closer together in our marriage. maybe one day we'll be able to use our situation to minister to others, to make a difference for the Kingdom somehow. really that's all i can ask for right now: Father, hear my prayers and use my life to honor You.

insomnia.

2010-11-03T02:44:00.003-04:00

it's 2:44 am and while i went to bed almost 2 hours ago, i'm obviously not sleeping. working night shift will do that to you, but i refused to take anything tonight to help. 25 mg of benadryl makes me feel like i've been trampled by an elephant and sleep for 12 hours, so i don't love that so much. annnd, there's not a whole lot else out there much milder than that, so tonight the insomnia has taken over.

i'm sort of glad i'm awake right now to be honest. it's allowed me to catch up on some internet things (i'm hardly ever on it b/c i have to "borrow" from the neighbor and b/c ben likes to spend q.t. together when we're both home), think about all the things i want to do to make ben's day a little brighter tomorrow, annnnnnd it's given me quite the chuckle. ben always complains about how tired he is during the daytime because he doesn't sleep well at night. most of the time i'm passed out before he is and half the week i'm at work, so i haven't really noticed until now that he is a REALLY bad sleeper. currently his eyes are closed and occasionally he makes a snoring noise, but he is really thrashing around. he has managed to scoot me clear over to the edge of the bed with his bum and earlier, elbowed me right in the sternum. i said "ow", but he didn't apologize...or stir. well, depends on your definition of "stir" i suppose--he continued to thrash around, he just didn't open his eyes. meanwhile, our loyal guard dog stella is laying on the floor at the foot of our bed whimpering. she too is fast asleep and is simply dreaming. for some reason, whenever she does this, i think it's so hysterical. keeping my laughter inside has had me shaking the bed and hopefully i don't wake ben. what a funny family i have... :)

on another note, i lost my first baby sunday night. it was hard-- really hard. and really sudden. i'd taken care of him the two nights before and when i left sunday morning, had this terrible gut feeling. all the doctors thought he was fine, but i came home and told ben i just didn't think he was going to be ok. when i went back into work that night, report had only been over for two minutes and i hadn't even washed my hands when we started doing CPR. it was stressful and i was so nervous. i got help and started drawing up code meds. 35 minutes later, it was all over. the mother was wailing in the hallway and i just kept saying, "i don't know what to do. i've never done this before." what do you say to a mother that's just lost her first child?! i felt unprepared and inadequate and thankfully, had some experienced nurses around to help me through the bereavement process. he was so, so sweet and i am so, so sorry he's gone. it's hard not to wonder if you could have done something more, but ultimately, i think being held safely in Jesus' arms in heaven was the best thing that could have happened for him. still, there are nurses that have been there for 5 or 6 years and never lost a kid. i'm just hoping it doesn't happen to me again for a very, very long time.

i feel like i should say something happy after all that...who wants to end their post on such a sad note?! umm...good news! looks like i'll get to travel to indiana for the thanksgiving holiday weekend after all! i'm heading in town saturday on no sleep, but it's totally worth it to see my family! i absolutely can't wait!!! :) also, ben and i got some very good financial news recently...it's a long story, but let's just say that God is incredibly good and i never should have doubted that He would provide! i am a blessed, blessed woman.

2010-10-14T14:00:00.005-04:00

it's been almost 5 months since i last updated, but that's what happens when you finish planning a wedding, get married, move, and then don't have internet. sometimes i can steal from my neighbor, but it's only in very select areas of our bedroom and isn't always the most reliable. so right now, i'm sitting in a study room in the asbury library. ben is studying for an exam and i'm trying my best to keep my mouth shut. i'm working on bills (ugh!) and trying to get us on a tighter budget and am planning on tackling some of those thank you's in my purse in a few minutes. not the most exciting way to spend the day, but i'm currently on day 2 of a 13 day stretch off and i'm trying to be productive. besides, just hanging out with ben is great no matter what we're doing.
so, there's marriage. it's great...better than what i could have hoped for. i should've known it would be pretty wonderful considering God brought us together, called us to get married, etc. but seriously, i am blessed beyond measure. ben has been God's greatest gift to me. i'm learning a lot and trying to be a better wife everyday, but sometimes it's more fun to just hang out with him than do the dishes like i know i should. ha. we eat out far too much (mostly due to our opposite schedules and my reluctance to do anything when i'm working night shift), but it's my goal to start cooking for him more. our roles are a bit reversed sometimes because he's home more and not working, but for now, it's okay for us. i appreciate all the sacrifices i know he's making and i am so, so proud of how well he's doing in school. i won't lie...it's kind of nice to come home in the morning to folded-laundry and vacuumed carpet too. ha. but i know it won't always be like this...we're just trying to enjoy where our life is taking us right now. a friend recently asked me to describe myself in just three words: content, joy-filled, and ben-loving. God is good and i'm finally feeling settled.

there's also work for me. i think enjoying my job is another HUGE reason i'm feeling settled. last year was just a terrible time for me to be completely honest. not only had i moved away from home, gotten engaged, and was trying to make friends and plan a wedding...i was also hating my job. i would get sick everyday before work and oftentimes, couldn't even enjoy a 4 or 5 day stretch off because i kept counting down the hours until i had to drag myself in there again. i was doubting my call to nursing and God and was honestly wondering what in the world He was up to. thank goodness ben put up with my insanity and still wanted to marry me...i relied on him a lot during that time (probably more than was healthy) and felt like he was the only reason i got through some nights at work. but, that's over now and i feel so good about being a nicu nurse. i love the babies and i feel very supported by my co-workers. it's certainly heartbreaking at times and some of the social situations are very draining, but it's such a privilege to be at work praying for the babies as i take care of them and the homes i know they'll go back to. there are definitely stressful nights, but it's nothing like pacu. nothing. i like nursing. i like my job. what a life changer that has been for me.

then there's stella. she's still being ornery, but we love her to pieces. ben thinks she might have an attachment disorder because she's so incredibly needy and no matter how many times we tell her she's a little pathetic, she still doesn't change. if she could, she would be on my lap 24/7. ha. yesterday morning i got off work, came home, and ben was already gone for class. i attempted to stay up the whole day so i could go to bed at a decent time that night (that definitely didn't work... i crashed around 2 pm), so when i got home i changed into my pj's, got into bed, and watched a movie. stella was acting a little weird, but i knew ben had let her out before he left, so i wasn't worried it was that. anyway, when i finally got up to hop in the shower around 10:30, stella climbed in with me! i was just shampooing my hair when i looked down and saw her head peaking around the curtain. next thing i knew, her entire body was in the shower and she was licking the hot water off the shower floor and walls. poor dog...i realized she was acting weird because she had no water downstairs and some neglectful parents. we'll have to do better than that with a baby one day! :)
day to day life as an adult can sometimes become repetitious, but i'm enjoying the routine. we spice it up with a camping trip here and there and visits to/from friends and family. my parents are coming down this weekend and bringing the remainder of our wedding gifts (finally!) and we're headed to the apple orchard and keeneland for some horse racing. i'm really looking forward to hanging out and relaxing together...all in all, life is good.

2010-05-24T12:21:00.001-04:00

i am so looking forward to loving ben for the rest of my life.

update to come soon, but for now we're going to play tennis! :)

conflict.

2010-03-23T03:06:00.002-04:00

i've never really known how to respond to conflict...i'm usually the one that individuals in conflict come to for an ear to listen. i give advice, empathize, try to see the argument from both sides, but to be honest, i've never really had a legitimate fight with any of my friends. i avoid arguments and confrontation and hurting others' feelings at all costs. i hate the thought of someone else hurting because of something i did.

tonight (or this morning), i am the one in the middle of conflict. or rather, i'm the one that took a pretty severe lashing. i've been emotional for the last two hours and i'm really hoping the ibuprofen will stave off a headache for in the morning. as for the puffy eyes, i don't have a remedy. my charge nurse asked me if i'd like to go home early and i'm not sure what gave it away. it was either my blotchy cheeks or my cherry-tomato looking eyes. i thankfully accepted her offer and managed to cry all the way home and in the grocery store. good thing it was 2 am and not too many shoppers were around.

without going into too many details, i inadvertently hurt someone's feelings at work. the original incident lasted all of 5 seconds and no one else involved thought twice about it...except for our nursing tech. she pulled me aside later to yell at me. maybe it is my cultural ignorance and naivety, but never in a million years did i think my actions would cause someone to take offense, let alone say they never want to speak to me again. if i embarrassed her or hurt her feelings, i was more than willing to apologize--i tried actually--but what hurt me more than anything was the fact that she has gotten to know me and thinks i'm the type of person that would intentionally try and do that.

no one else aware of the situation thinks that this blow-up has anything to do with me at all, but more than likely a much bigger personal issue. so, how do i respond? everything inside me wants to reason with her, to tell her that i in no way wanted to hurt her, to apologize and receive her forgiveness. it drives me absolutely crazy to think there's a person in this world that dislikes me. i want all to be well and i'm not sure that's an option in this situation. i've been praying for this situation and for her and i'm still not sure i will ever be okay just letting it be.

i've always envied people that don't care what others think, but that's not me. maybe there never will be a solution. quite possibly i will live out these awkward next three weeks and go to nicu with an unresolved conflict. i hate it, but maybe God is trying to teach me something too...

hold her heart, Lord.

2010-02-22T08:05:00.003-05:00

right now, i'm exhausted. i just arrived home after working five of the last six nights and although i'm fairly sure i could drift off to sleep and wake up on wednesday, my mind is reeling.

some lyrics keep playing over and over again as the tears continually well up in my eyes...

one tear in the driving rain,
one voice in a sea of pain
could the maker of the stars
hear the sound of my breaking heart?
one life, that's all I am
right now I can barely stand
if You're everything You say You are
would You come close and hold my heart?

i feel like his mother might be singing this song right now. i can only picture her crying over her young son as he laid dying, the sister leaning over her brother and begging him to "get up!" i can only imagine the 100 people that showed up at the hospital after this young man's accident whose lives are forever altered by his death. so young...so much more life to live...gone. forever. there's no turning back for him now. whatever decisions he made in life, whoever he chose to worship, he's facing the consequences of those actions now. it's so...final. after he passed, his mother asked if she could take him home and put him in bed. when she left, she had so many questions about where his body would go, what she should do, etc. she sobbed and through tears managed to say, "for the first time in my life, i don't know what to do for my child." my heart broke.

i heard this same mother pray and thank the Lord for giving him to her if only for a short time. i imagine she'll be questioning a lot of things in weeks to come and that her faith may not always be as strong as it was in the moments shortly before his passing...i'm praying she remembers that God truly is holding her heart close, even in moments when a tragedy like this does not make sense to anyone.

kids make me chuckle.

2010-02-16T17:01:00.002-05:00

surprise! i'm unmotivated. i should be finishing my paper due thursday, but instead i thought i'd share a moment from this weekend that brought a HUGE smile to my face and a few (stifled) chuckles.

phone conversation with ethan and emily while they were at my parents' house:
me: hi, dad. can i talk to the kids?
dad: ethan, do you want to talk to aunt stacey? (i hear a "no".) emily, do you want to talk to aunt stacey?
emily: hello?
me: hey, emily! how are you? are you having fun?
emily: yeah...
me: well, you know i'm getting married, right? i'm sort of in need of a flower girl...would you want to be my flower girl?
emily: well...i don't know. i'm planning.
me: you're planning? planning what?
emily: i'm not sure i can...i'll have to ask mommy. what can ethan be?
me: he can be a ring bearer and i'm going to ask him if he'll get on the phone with me.
ethan: hello?
me: oh hi, ethan! hey, you know i'm getting married, right? i'm in need of a ring...
ethan: yes. (me giggling. i haven't even asked yet...)
me: so you think you might want to be my ring bearer?
ethan: yes! i've only been wanting this for nine days now! (more giggling...)
me: well, good! now if you can only help me convince emily to be my flower girl.
ethan: (pauses.) i'm not too sure i'm very good at convincing.
me: oh, it's ok, buddy. can you just put em back on the phone?
mom: hi, stace!
me: mom! what are you doing? i was just going to ask emily to be my flower girl...
mom: oh, ok. i'll put her back on.
me: so emily, do you think you might want to be my flower girl? it would make me really happy!
emily: i'll have to ask my mommy if i can.
me: i've already talked to your mommy, emily. she said it's ok, but it just depends on if you want to or not.
emily: oh. ok. i guess i'll be it.

ethan's so excited he can't even hold his response back until i've asked the question and emily "guesses" she'll be my flower girl. ha. mom assured me they both had big smiles on their face after our conversation however. can't wait to see them both dressed up and adorable in june!!! :)

also, i know i wrote about some possible big life changes a while back...they're becoming more real than i imagined and i feel confused as to what to do. please continue to pray. i'll update about it when i can...

until next time,
stacey

2010-02-08T19:55:00.002-05:00

i'm so incredibly thankful i had the opportunity to go home this past weekend...ben and i didn't do anything extremely exciting and the trip was planned in order to accomplish some wedding "to-do's", but as i sit and reflect on my time, i'm thankful.

it's always wonderful to see my family and to hang out with friends that know me so well, but i know God took me home this specific weekend just so i could hear His message sunday at church and speak to a woman i deeply respect afterward.

i don't think it's any surprise that since moving to lexington, i've been having a hard time. the job transition has been difficult, i miss my family, making friends has not come as easily as i thought it would...overall, my life has felt completely out of control. this has resulted in a desire to cling to anything tangible and seemingly comfortable (ben, home) and neglect things that are normally very important (returning phone calls to friends, spending time with the Lord, etc.). my priorities has been a tad out of whack along with my emotions and perception of reality, but the last few weeks, i feel like i've been seeing the light. for the first time in a very long time last week, when i spent alone time with the Lord, i actually wanted to be doing it. desperately. i cried reading His Word because i actually desired it.

as far as sunday's sermon goes, my pastor taught out of acts 27 chronicling paul's shipwreck on malta. he talked a lot about the storms of life and why we go through them...and how sometimes we just can't understand God's purpose in sending us through them, but how they're never just unnecessary. there have been moments over these last 7 months when i felt as if God had completely left me alone...i didn't like it and i was angry about it. but sunday gave me fresh perspective-- i know He has a purpose. i may not get it, but it's not unnecessary.

after the service, i was given this verse by aforementioned woman and it reminded me of my recent desperate desire to read His Word:

"Then I will give them a heart to know Me, that I am the LORD; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God, for they shall return to Me with their whole heart. " -Jeremiah 24:7

i like it. a lot.

iloveyou.

2010-01-19T02:46:00.003-05:00

one year ago yesterday, ben and i said some very scary and vulnerable words to each other for the first time.

"i love you."

i thought i was crazy about him then, but every day gets better and better.

can't wait to spend my life loving him more.

homesick.

2010-01-12T14:18:00.002-05:00

i'm homesick.

lexington is a great place, ben is incredible and supportive...we're making a life for ourselves here.

but i'm homesick. my mom and grandma just left to head back to crawfordsville and i wish i was hiding in their trunk.

i've never really suffered from this terrible sickness before, but here it is. i'm 23-years old and i miss my mommy and daddy.

maybe God will allow us to move closer to home in a few years when ben is finished with school. i think i would really like that...

rewarding myself.

2010-01-09T21:52:00.001-05:00

jillian michael's kicked my butt this evening during my first workout in 6 months, so now i'm sitting on the couch eating m&m's... :)

update.

2010-01-08T11:42:00.003-05:00

well, the holiday hustle and bustle is over and i'm thankful to say that it went smoothly, despite all the traveling and working over christmas, etc. i really enjoyed my time at home and also with ben's family and even though it felt too short, it was worth all the hours in the car. AND, i loved every single one of my christmas gifts and didn't have to return a single thing. yes! everything fit, nothing was duplicated, and everything was exactly what i would have picked for myself. i should probably start writing some thank you notes...especially since it's my day off and i'm stuck in ben's apartment without a car. (he has mine at school until 5 pm...his tire went flat late last night and won't hold air. bummer.)

stella is currently pacing and jillian michael's and i have a workout date if i can force myself to get up off the couch. ugh...it's amazing that i haven't worked out in 6 months (terrible, i know) and yet i still can't make myself motivated to move. good news is, i haven't gained any weight even for my lack of movement and eating more along the lines of ben's diet. no wedding diet for me! :) but, i suppose i do want toned arms in my dress and if i'll be seeing a bathing suit on our honeymoon, i'll probably need to be having regular dates with jillian for the next 5.5 months. ha.

speaking of wedding things though, i really need to get moving! i had a terrible dream last night that it was june 25th and the bridesmaid dresses weren't ordered and i had no one to do the girls' hair! all of ben's responsibilities were taken care of, but none of mine were. i woke up in a panic and then realized it's still january 8th! whew. we finalized a guest list yesterday and it looks to be right on target for our venue size. yay! now it's time to gather addresses and mail save-the-dates...i'm not exactly looking forward to addressing 100-something envelopes, but we'll make it.

i'm also praying about some big life changes right now that i ask you to be praying with me about it if you're reading this...i truly want to set aside all my feelings about the situation and allow God to lead me in the right direction. and, if He chooses not to take me where i desire, i'm praying for a right spirit no matter the outcome. i entirely want to fight against that last statement, but i have to trust that God knows best and as ben told me, that "He has my back." hopefully i'll have another update about that situation soon.

until next time,
stacey

2009-12-03T23:18:00.009-05:00

ben and i had a chance to go "pick out a tree" (artificial from target-ha) a few nights ago and had fun decorating. all the ornaments i brought from home have my name on it somewhere because my mom has been gifting them to me every christmas for as long as i can remember. it was a bit sad taking them from home, but it's also nice to see them on the tree here. all of ben's are store-bought ornaments his mom sent with him, so between the two of us, it turned out pretty well. it's still in some desperate need of an angel on top, but we'll get to that sometime before christmas i'm sure.stella also had fun helping.

speaking of stella, she's been quite a pill today. ben woke up this morning to a newly-purchased, destroyed wallet. many of its contents were irreparable, but she managed to miss everything important: license, health insurance card, credit card, asbury id, etc. while eating everything not-so-important: borders card, blockbuster card, etc. ben commented, "it's almost like she decided 'i want to punish them, but i don't want to be too mean.'" ahaha. we also went to a movie tonight and when we returned to ben's apartment, discovered stella had eaten the blu-ray remote...i got a tad hysterical when i couldn't find the other battery for a while, but it turns out when she bit into it, she didn't like the taste of whatever was inside. right next to the obliterated remote? her very expensive, chicken-flavored bone. i think we have a dog who feels neglected. i'm looking forward to going to days next week simply so we can spend more time with her. between ben's class schedule and me working at night and sleeping all day, stella has had a lot of alone time lately. we'll be remedying that soon and hopefully we'll have a content pup once again.

until next time,
stace

i love that oswald chambers.

2009-11-17T23:28:00.003-05:00

As part of my devotions tonight, I read Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest" and found one sentence to be extremely challenging and profound:

God’s revelation of Himself to me is influenced by my character, not by God’s character.

I encourage you to search online for the devotional thought yourself, but the jist of it centers around obedience. Chambers writes that his goal is "God Himself...At any cost, dear Lord, by any road", conceding that he is willing to do it God's way in order to reach that goal, fully obedient to whatever the Lord calls him to in order to know Him better. He goes on to say that "this work of obedience is the evidence that the nature of God is in me" and "the promises of God are of no value to us until, through obedience, we come to understand the nature of God."

Wow. It seems so elementary to realize that my outward actions of obedience reflect the Spirit that lives inside me, but that's exactly what happened tonight. I often like to believe (falsely) that my spiritual growth and maturation has more to do with what the Lord desires and chooses to do in my life rather than any sort of responsibility on my own part; if I just wait around long enough, God will supernaturally pop in and out, transforming as He sees fit. Therefore, it was hard to swallow Chambers' words that "God's revelation of Himself to me is influenced by my character, not by God's character." Essentially, the more proficient in obedience I become, the more I demonstrate faithfulness in the small things, the more God will reveal Himself to me. Again, elementary? Probably. Something I knew before? Most likely. Beneficial to hear it a different way? Definitely. Thanks, Oswald. I suppose the ball is in my court.

In other news, Southland is getting ready to finish up a sermon series called "Dirty Laundry" dealing with the issue of sin. Ben and I missed last week because we were out of town, but the church has made a website (www.clotheslineconfessions.com) where people can "air" their dirty laundry. It's completely anonymous and the website will be taken down after the completion of the series as a way to symbolically demonstrate the forgiveness of the sins confessed. I have to admit that I live a life that is far from perfect, but I have been shocked by many of the things posted. The Church is most definitely full of hurting and broken people...I know many look in from the outside and proclaim that we're all just a bunch of hypocrites, but what better place for hurting and broken people to go than church?

As I waded through many of the confessions though, my heart was just burdened. Almost every entry chronicles the emptiness and shame sin leaves in its wake, but almost every entry also touches on the chronic nature of that sin. What is it about us as humans that compels us to continually return to methods we know don't work? To lifestyles that leave us more messed up than we were before? As a dog returns to its vomit... What was more amazing to me as I was reading though, more than the inherent sinful nature bent on self-destruction, more than the lack of obedience to God, self-control, etc. was the realization that I serve a God that loves every single one of us despicable hypocrites and sinners fully, and that one day, He's going to make it right again and restore us. I love that promise. I'm clinging to it tonight.

And if you're looking for a whole bunch of people to add to your prayers, check out the website.

love your neighbors.

2009-11-06T13:39:00.003-05:00

taking stella out to potty is not my favorite task and i know it will only get worse as the cold winter months come our way...but i have to admit it's a bit exciting when we walk out the front door of ben's apartment because we never know if the skittish, wandering kitty will be napping behind the nearby bush. stella particularly enjoys pursuing the cat, dragging me along by her leash.

upon my arrival from work a few nights ago, ben says, "i may or may not have set some milk out for a cat that may or may not exist." great. i enjoy watching stella take off after the cat while ben encourages it's stay.

fast forward to last night's humorous conversation.
ben (after taking stella out): "the kitty drank all the milk."
me: "yeah, i saw the empty bowl."
ben: "i'm going to go feed our cat again."
me: "ben..."
ben: "well what's the poor cat going to do during the winter?! it's going to starve to death!"
me (feeling a bit of compassion): "are you planning on making this cat ours?"
ben (as i hear the refrigerator door creak open): "no..."
me: what kind of milk are you giving her? (skim and whole are both in the fridge.)
ben: whole! straight from the teat!
me: ahahahahaha.

i love that man. i may not be very fond of the cat that may soon become ours, but i do adore that man. i suppose i have a few more things to learn about what it really means to "love your neighbor"... :)

latest happenings.

2009-10-21T12:30:00.004-04:00

it seems lately that i have to remind myself of the things i am thankful for. sad? probably. realistic? most definitely. so starting a day out right (i worked night shift last night), here goes...

1. my Jesus...His love is constant, never-changing, and His forgiveness and grace are amazing and overwhelming.
2. ben. our love continues to grow and mature and i enjoy every moment we're blessed to spend together. sometimes i wonder how on earth i did life without him...he's certainly a gift.
3. Bible study girls. they are a breath of fresh air and i am so thankful God provided 7:45 on sunday evenings.
4. time with family. between ben's sister, cousin, and cousin's wife being here on friday to sunday and my parents staying here monday on their way back to indiana, the weekend was full of loved ones. i couldn't have asked for anything better.
5. stella. she loves ben and i unconditionally every day and more than most people, shows me Christ. silly? maybe, but besides that, she's hysterically quirky and entertaining. despite her bouts with lots of vomiting and diarrhea, we love her. (we figured out what it is though--bones! every time stella eats dog bones, here comes the good ol' v&d. sorry, stell! no more!)
6. today's sunshine. kentucky weather has been so dreary up until the last few days...it's so good to feel the sun on your face.

i feel better already. it's amazing how sitting back and focusing on all the things in life i have to be thankful for changes my perspective immensely. i won't lie--things have been really discouraging and hard at work these past few weeks. i made the transition to night shift and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. pacu is crazy at night and there simply aren't enough hands. i'm dreading coming off orientation next week...but i have to believe God will provide. ben has been my biggest encourager, reminding me where to keep my focus and to have some confidence, but i'm weak a lot. i cry before i have to go in, i cry when i leave, i cry when i'm at home just thinking about having to go back. sometimes i wonder if i have what it takes, so i guess we'll just have to wait and see...but if you're reading, please be praying. i need strength that is far beyond my human capability right now.

well, it's time to return some phone calls and do the good ol' dishes. hope you all have a blessed day!

here are just a few pictures from our fun weekend! the first was taken at the henry clay estate here in lexington and the second was taken at keeneland--the horse racing park. ben and i stopped to watch a few on sunday afternoon!

krispy kreme.

2009-10-01T11:38:00.004-04:00

at dinner a few nights ago...
ben: "i know it's a bit out of the ordinary and spontaneous, but at midnight tonight we're going to krispy kreme to get donuts! and you're going to eat one!"
me: laughter...lots of laughter.
krispy kreme is our idea of spontaneous and exciting?! ahaha. i must be getting very old.

other than that, not a whole lot of new things to report here...i'm starting to feel more comfortable in my role as a nurse and am learning that i have a LOT more autonomy than i could have imagined i would in nursing school. i'm becoming more assertive which is a definite must and i don't ask nearly as many questions or make nearly as many silly mistakes. yay! when oct. 26th roles around and i come off orientation though, i could use some prayer! i'm already anticipating a sleepless night the night before!

things have also improved greatly in the last few weeks concerning my relationship with the
Lord as well (maybe part of the reason work seems to be going better too, right?). we're connecting again and i'm choosing to put Him first. it's a wonderful thing to be in love with your Savior...i have a long way to go and will always just be a "work in progress", but it's such a great feeling when you know you're making decisions and living your life in a way that honors Him.

ben and i are great...i love him more every single day and sometimes can't believe how blessed i am to spend our life together. i'm nearing some decisions in the way of wedding planning which is a definite plus and i am actually enjoying having a lot of time to plan it, as it's taking a lot of stress out of the mix. still, i can't wait for june 26th to get here! :)

incredibly blessed.

2009-09-11T20:00:00.002-04:00

i am quite possibly the most incredibly blessed girl i know...i have a job that i enjoy (even if i am completely underqualified), a family that loves and supports me through-and-through, friends that encourage me and desire to rub lives with me (even if they're not near), a fiance that loves me more and more like Christ everyday, and a God that relentlessly pursues and redeems me. even in brief moments that feel dark and hopeless, i am surrounded by people and a God that believe i'm worth it.

i will admit (and i say this with only from the perspective of my own little life-- i am very aware that many others are going through incredibly difficult things right now), life has been harder than usual lately. i've been stressed, very overwhelmed, and felt inadequate on nearly a daily basis. i've been sick, tired, and have been fighting aches and pains that just won't go away. i have ben, but i feel alone sometimes--i need Godly women here and finding them just hasn't been as easy as i thought it would be. needless to say amidst all my complaining, i have been weary and my strength is dwindling. unfortunately, i really only let ben see the majority of these overwhelming feelings. i'm not sure my parents really know or any of my friends from home for that matter. it presents itself in biting comments, irritability, and just overall grumpiness. i've even had to apologize to my dog stella from time to time.

so, last night i had a meltdown. it was a long time in coming and a bit inevitable i suppose. all those feelings have to go somewhere, right? i don't know if anyone else ever has moments where they sob uncontrollably and have no idea why they're crying, but i did. after i finally calmed down, i was able to think about where the torrent of tears was coming from and i came to this conclusion: i've been doing this all in my own strength. i haven't been asking for God's help, i haven't been relying on Him, i haven't run to Him when things have been overwhelming or i've been lonely. to no fault of his own, i've run to ben. he's here, his arms are readily available, and well, he's the love of my life. it's so easy to do, but as a result, my relationship with my Lord has suffered. i realized last night that i can't continue on the way i have been going and i certainly can't enter into a marriage without having my priorities in line. God is my first love, my redeemer, my best friend. it's unfair to ben, the Lord, and myself to put that much stock in one person.

not everything that has resulted from my mixed up priorities has been a bad thing however. i have watched ben develop (more) patience, compassion, grace, forgiveness, understanding, and love in his spirit toward me over the last few months. he has always embodied these things, but as he has loved me the way Christ loves the church, i have watched these characteristics blossom. (i'll go ahead and take credit for helping God mold ben into a more Christ-like man-- ha.) i am not the least bit afraid of pledging my love, devotion, and the rest of my life to ben because he has proven to me over and over again that he regards my life higher than he does his own. i love him and am so humbled that he chose me. i certainly don't deserve him, but i am grateful.

still, all that being said, ben will have to continue the development of all those wonderful qualities a different way. i vow, with the Lord's help, to make Him first in my life again. i want more of Him, i want to love Him better, i want to know Him intimately. i know all that our relationship can be and i'm finally ready to put forth the effort again. that is why i am so thankful for a God that relentlessly pursues me tonight; i know that this deep hunger to be back in His continual presence is a desire placed in my heart only by Him. i love you, Lord, because You first loved me.

stella, the newest member of our (almost) family

2009-08-11T21:43:00.004-04:00

just wanted to take a moment to introduce stella...
ben and i's new golden.

she was kindly gifted to us by my brother and sister-in-law
and we've taken to her and she to us quite wonderfully.
it's already weird to think about an empty apartment without her...

currently, she's eating one of the expensive organic bones
we purchased for her yesterday at bluegrass barkery.
we spent three hours,
too much money,
and came home with three bags of "stella" things.

we have incessantly taken pictures of her
for the past 48 hours.
here are a few for your enjoyment.
she's beautiful.

unbelief.

2009-08-04T10:26:00.002-04:00

i'm a conundrum of emotions this morning, but that pretty much sums up the way i've felt most of the summer...but this conundrum isn't due to the MANY transitions my life has gone through in a matter of months or the fact that i did my first set of chest compressions on a woman yesterday, watched her regain a pulse, tell her family she loved them, and then pass away an hour later. it is not from the joy of being engaged only to realize the stress of making wedding decisions all while considering everyone else's feelngs, opinions, and schedules, nor is it from being in lexington, virtually without a soul i know, trying to find my place. i am a conundrum of emotions...

my faith is being tested.
i am being stretched.
it hurts.
and i really prefer that it would stop.

over the last few weeks, i have felt unsettled in my relationship with the Lord, like things could be and have been so much more than they are right now. i have been more than inconsistent in my devotional life and because of that, more hesistant to do it when i actually desire it and set my mind to it-- why? well, if Jesus were my actual tangible best friend kate, i'd be pretty afraid to approach her and discuss why i've been so in and out of her life lately, using her only for my benefit...i would expect her anger. i know the Lord is far more gracious and loving and merciful than my best friend kate, but in those moments, my unworthiness is so evident and i become ashamed and wonder what gives me the right to enter into His presence...but, as the Scriptures say, God is faithful even when I am not because He cannot deny Himself (2 tim 2:13). faithfulness is so etched into His character that even when i am completely failing on my end of things, it is impossible for Him to fail me. this feeling of being unsettled (and some very strategic sermons aimed directly at me) have brought me to a place of action. i can't continue on like this...and i don't want to. i don't want to just go through the motions. this past sunday at church the pastor said, "a radical love requires a radical commitment." Jesus radically loves me. i am praying He would teach me how to radically love Him and live for only Him in return.

my eyes have been opened to the complacency of my relationship with Him, but He has also spoken very clearly into my life the last few days. this is what i refer to when i say my faith is being tested. some of the things He has asked me to do are already being challenged. i am meeting opposition and i don't yet feel ready to fight back. but i suppose that has been a glitch in my thinking all along...i don't need to fight. He will. Him through me. i will admit that i'm struggling however. one thing God has asked me to do is believe someone in my life that i feel has betrayed me, to go against all human wisdom and an overwhelming amount of evidence and simply trust someone He has called me to trust. at times i feel ready to do this...but as i let my mind wander, get my eyes off of Him, and consider the situation, all i can say is, "it is impossible! there is no way i can trust what is being said...it makes no sense." inadvertantly, i believe God is teaching me a lesson about myself. but asking me to have faith and be gracious and loving in a situation that is hard for me to swallow and wrap my mind around? i'm at a crossroads of sorts, but i am determined to be obedient, to listen and follow the Lord even when it doesn't add up. it's hard. really, really hard. and my faith is so small.

Lord, help my unbelief.

it's about that time...

2009-06-15T22:12:00.005-04:00

it seems that a monthly update is in order...i hate that i don't get the chance to write more often (or make the time), but now seemed like a good time to catch up.

a lot has been going on-- big surprise there, right? (so much so that i have 5 voicemails that have been waiting on my phone for nearly two days--haven't had a moment to check them! although i am taking the time to update i suppose...ha.) i've made a few trips to lexington in the last month and finally made a decision about a housing situation. ben and i will both be living in an apartment complex called raintree and i was really pleased with the price for the quality. ben's front door is about 50 ft away from mine which will come in handy when i need my closets to be checked for bad guys. seriously. (i'll explain more about my creepy nightmares in a moment!) i'm not exactly sure how often we'll really see one another, as i work nights and sleep during the day and he has class in the afternoons and evenings. we'll see. i suppose it does help that i'm only tied up three days a week and he only has class four; i just hope they're not on opposite days! anyway, about those nightmares...i'm sure they're happening because my mind runs wild while i'm awake. even with my parents in the bedroom next to me, i fear an intruder breaking into the house and harming us all. every creak i hear (and our house creaks a lot) i think someone has arrived. ben has been on the phone with me during such episodes and i really do freak out quite a bit. one night i slept with a knife next to me in bed...i woke the next morning to an email filled with lots of Spripture verses ben encouraged me to memorize to fight the terrors. it's been getting better and i realize a lot of it probably is spiritual attack-- i think i've also been dwelling on the fact that i'm going to be all alone in lexington, coming home to an empty apartment, and fearing what might be awaiting me. maybe a self-defense class is in order too. ha. anyway, i'll be fine! but seriously, if anyone wants to come visit and stay for oh...5 weeks or so, you're more than welcome. ha.

so, housing is done and job is obtained. i took the NCLEX examination on the 2nd of june and was successful! it's definitely another weight lifted from my shoulders. may was set aside for a lot of studying and i remained fairly diligent. i think it paid off and i'm glad now that i didn't take kaplan after all. i was definitely nervous when everyone that took it was passing and i realized maybe i'd made a mistake. now i'm just glad i have $400 more in my bank account. ben drove up on monday so he could accompany me tuesday...what a good boyfriend. as i was walking to meet his car afterwards he asked, "how was it?" i only had time to reply, "it was awful!" when i arrived at the open window and spied a dozen roses mixed in among baby's breath and beautiful carnations (seriously, i'm not usually one for carnations, but they are beautiful!). i felt really blessed...until after i arrived home an hour later and burst into tears wailing dramatically, "i failed! i failed!" everyone has their moment, right? :) we left for lexington the next morning, i tried to take my mind off of NCLEX, and we had a great time. i was able to check my results thursday evening and made everyone stay away when i did. but alas, the glorious word was there in tiny, insignificant letters: passed. i was expecting music and a creepy clown to appear on the screen carrying balloons screaming its congratulations. apparently pearson doesn't get as excited as i do about passing. ha.

well, what since then, right? i guess the real question is, what not since then? i'm helping coach a 14-under girls softball team and trying to spend as much time with my friends and family all while attending/being in weddings, trying to plan and prepare for my open house/going away party (i shopped until midnight at four different grocery stores last night! why don't all the grocery stores carry the same items?!), buy furniture and accumulate things for a home, and prepare ben some very important going-away-to-africa-gifts. and let me go ahead and say that being crafty has had its low points: i've injured myself to the point of blood and experienced deep pain...all for ben. and since when does wal-mart stop selling very important items (in my mind) in the store and only offer them online? i'm telling you, they're sucking you into the shipping prices...$14 to get the desired item here by next tuesday. silliness. there will be sweet satisfaction when it's all said and done. *sigh. next week is filled with more of the same as i travel to chicago for some friends' wedding...to sing! i'm scared. but, no one will be looking at me anyway. or listening to me i hope. ha.

but i'm going to go ahead and apologize if you haven't heard from me since i've been home. everytime i think things are going to slow down and i'll be able to spend time with people, make commitments, etc. it just gets faster. it's not because you're not loved or important-- i promise. i just wish everyday had 30 hours and not 24.

now off to check those voicemails... :) and for your viewing pleasure, a picture from my college roommate's wedding this past weekend. enjoy.

just another day at the library...

2009-05-11T11:57:00.002-04:00

i'm convinced that the employees here at the crawfordsville public library see the same people at the same time each week. i'm currently sitting on a fairly comfortable couch myself, staring out the nicely polished HUGE windows watching the traffic go by. (i think i've spied a few people i know from my vantage point and let's just say they're not all people i want to run into during my time in town!) anyway, next to me an older middle-aged gentleman sits with his laptop playing endless games of spider solitaire (although i think he's winning most) and his brow furrowed with his hand upon his forehead. i'm gonna go ahead and guess he's a regular...behind me at one of the tables sits an older man reading a magazine. he is accompanied by his Down's syndrome son who is also reading a magazine. they were in here last thursday same time i was (i've been studying for NCLEX...ugh). in fact, there are six other people in this particular room with me this morning and i recognize four of them just from the three short hours i was here last week. interesting.

i can't exactly say that the thing i'm looking forward to most about aging is heading to the public library everyday to catch up on my reading or play countless games of spider solitaire on my computer. but in a lot of ways, i long for a life that simple, that carefree. lately things have been hectic (to say the least). i have mixed feelings about where this next chapter of life is taking me and at any point during the day, i may be feeling one of twenty different emotions. excitement and peace are the emotions superceding them all, but sometimes doubt, fear, sadness, longing, or even anger seem to creep into the mess. girls tend to be emotional rollercoasters anyway (thanks, eve) and this transition seems to be having a synergistic effect on the height of the hills and angle of the turns on said rollercoaster ride. still, i'm enjoying being at home, spending time with my parents, and am looking forward to soaking in these last few months of freedom before i truly enter "the real world." and despite my ever-changing emotions, i have confidence that i serve a God that is never-changing. when i sit before Him in prayer or open His Word, nothing but peace floods my soul. i can't quite figure out why i still like to let my eyes drift from His glorious face, but in the quiet times i am reminded that He truly is leading me and that He truly is in control. just gotta hang onto that peace...

quick update:
1. i am currently living in crawfordsville.
2. i will be working just a few days a week in indianapolis.
3. i am studying for my NCLEX (state boards) examination.
4. i accepted a job on friday as an RN in the PACU at University of Kentucky's Chandler Hospital.
5. i start july 6th!
6. i'm moving to lexington at the end of june/1st of july. (i have no furniture though! ahaha.)
7. i will miss numerous people that have blessed and continue to bless my life.
8. i'm super terrified of living alone.
9. things with ben are great...he'll be moving to lexington in august.
10. my dog currently has cancer, is on the fritz, and i'm most scared of leaving her right now.
11. i secretly can't wait to get some experience as a nurse and then head overseas! i'm jealous of everyone traveling (especially elizabeth fleck!) this summer. ha.

so, some good news mixed in with the not-so-good, but overall, i can't complain. it's a beautiful day outside and i am loved deeply by my Creator.

2009-05-09T23:12:00.000-04:00

i wanna go back to india...

2009-03-26T23:02:00.002-04:00

i became overwhelmed tonight, more overwhelmed than i've been in a long time. no worries-- this isn't a "i'm-super-stressed-about-my-future, i-have-no-idea-what-is-going-on, i-have-WAY-too-much-to-do" kind of overwhelmed.

i became overwhelmed with the utter beauty of my Lord tonight. between crazy weeks filled with commitments and then the lovely sickness of this past week, i haven't been left with much of an opportunity to attend an actual service lately. i guess i hadn't realized how much my spirit had been longing for it. as i worshipped, singing words relaying my absolute poverty and need for Jesus, i felt the Lord ever-so-near.

every now and again, i am ashamed to admit, it hits me: He died for me. He sent His Son for me. Jesus suffered for me. what have I ever done to deserve such a sacrifice? nothing. and most of the time, i don't even convey my gratitude. it should never have to "hit" me that i possess the precious gift of salvation and all the anguish and tears and pain that went into offering it to me. in those moments, i see my dirtiness and brokenness again and am filled anew with humility and gratitude. my Jesus is absolutely beautiful.

thank You for reminding me of how You love me, Lord, and thank You for redemption. thank You for offering me the invaluable and precious, sacrificial and holy gift of salvation.

updates!

2009-03-24T10:47:00.003-04:00

this could end up being fairly lengthy, so i'll try a numerical list of updates in semi-chronological order...

1. i'm in love with a boy and he's the absolute best thing that's ever happened to me (i could write a novel about ben...)
2. i was invited to join sigma theta tau international, a nursing honor society. $40 later, i'm now a member.
3. thatta passed away on february 20th (indiana time) and not a day goes by that i don't think about him. i find myself unwilling to discuss it very much though-- the hurt is overwhelming sometimes. i miss india, i miss him, i miss my children...more than i ever thought possible 8 months later. india continues to change my life.
4. ben and i traveled to florida together for spring break and even though we met some unexpected obstacles and the weather wasn't great, we had a wonderful time.
5. on the way to florida, we stopped at asbury for ben's graduate school visit. he got accepted and will be attending asbury in august!
6. we also stopped in nashville for my job interview with vanderbilt university medical center. it went well, lasted an hour, and i don't find out the results until mid-april, but it's kind of a moot point now (see #11).
7. i've decided i hate getting up early. for two weeks, i wasn't able to sleep past 6:30 am and most mornings it was 5:00 or 5:30 am...those were a miserable and grouchy two weeks. ha.
8. i love my leadership and management clincal, even if i'm not a huge fan of the class. my preceptor is amazing and although i never would have considered a position in administration before, it's something i think i would eventually like to do.
9. i also love critical care and cannot wait to be a critical care nurse someday! between now and then though, God is going to have to toughen up this little heart of mine-- it breaks easily.
10. i was asked to be in katie and justin's wedding! i'm so excited and i just love those two. i have no doubt their marriage will be a blessing to everyone around them.
11. since ben will be right outside lexington for the next two years, i've decided i will be too! i'm starting to apply for jobs at the university of kentucky and hopefully will start my own graduate studies there in about a year-ish.
12. i'm going to register for NCLEX soon. kinda makes me want to die a little...ah!
13. i'm broke...more broke than i've been in years. i may be soliciting grandma for a loan. ha.
14. i'm now on my fourth day holed away in my room. the stomach flu started on friday, i thought i was getting better yesterday, and then it reared it's ugly head last night. ben took me to the ER because i was experiencing the worst pain of my entire life.
15. Dilaudid is now my friend. :)
16. i'm currently on Lortab for the pain, so if this entry seems strange, we'll blame it on that.

that might be close to all of it for now...i still have the cutest and most precious niece and nephew in the world and i'm still in love with a boy. life is good.

2009-02-02T21:31:00.003-05:00

it's been awhile...and a lot has changed. to be fair, silly blogspot wouldn't let me log in for about a month so we'll blame it partly on that. otherwise, i just haven't had the time-- or made it. last time i checked in, i was anticipating finals. now that seems like a million years ago. i finished another semester, had christmas, took a 12-day trip to florida with my family, celebrated another new year, started my last semester, and got a boyfriend since then. ha. i know that i do practically everything on that list every year around this time, but i surprised you with the boyfriend part. it surprised me too. but it's been the best surprise i've had in a long time.

i've had some not so good surprises these last few months as well: johnson (my thatta from india) is not doing well and i also discovered i probably will not be able to travel back there as i'd hoped this summer. ugh. johnson's health has been a rollercoaster the last month and it has certainly done a few loops with my emotions as well. today, after a depressing update, i cried through chapel and then again in critical care class. i just don't know what to do anymore or even how to pray (which is convenient considering i asked jess and liz to get together tonight to interceded on his behalf). at one point along this rollercoaster, i was really okay with the Lord calling him home. johnson has been so faithful and as one email stated it, he's "ready to see his Creator." i suppose i can celebrate for him when i consider that aspect. but then he started to get better...and i got my hopes up. another turn for the worse, another time of getting better, another turn for the worse, another time of getting better, etc. etc. etc. at this point, i just want him to get well and stay well! liz and jess might possibly be heading back there this summer and i have a big hug that i need them to give him. during worship in chapel today, i felt as if everyone else just faded away. it was just me and the Lord meeting and with my most earnest cries, i begged Him to save johnson. i know He heard my prayers...He always does. if i learned anything in india, it is that. but i felt like i heard God tell me what He so often does: "entrust him to My care, beloved. i love him far more than you ever could. he has been a good and faithful servant and i desire to bless him not only in this life, but the next. relinquish this hold and desperation, for this life is a mere glimpse of the goodness i have planned for eternity. celebrate and be joyful...johnson will be with me." how do you argue with the Creator of the universe, the all-powerful and holy God? you don't. so, i stopped my crying and begging and simply prayed for His will to be done. even if i don't like it, i can obediently say Thy will be done, Father.

in other news, i applied for the nurse residency program at vanderbilt medical center this past week. ah! it was the first real step i took toward anything relating to life post-graduation. this is not a small thing, people, as i have been avoiding it like the plague. i realized after i mailed the application that i hadn't even told my parents i was doing it though-- oops. it shouldn't come as a surprise to them; they've always known i wanted to get away from indiana. it's just that no one in my family actually thinks i'll go through with it. and maybe i won't. i have no idea. i just know that i'm praying for God to open doors and lead me where He sees fit. wherever the gifts and abilities He's given me can be used to glorify Him best, that's where i want to be. i'm open and flexible and uh, somewhat ready. ha. i figure i've got a lifetime to find the right fit-- i'll get it eventually. so in the meantime, i'm going to start applying other places and see where it goes. otherwise come april 25th, i'm outta luck. there's no more delaying...

let's see...florida with the family was fun. but long. i was there for 12 days because mom, dad, and i flew down on christmas eve in order to spend christmas with julie and pete. we met the rice's on the 27th, stayed with them for a week, and then headed back to pete's to wait for our monday flight out. by that time, i was about four days overdue and ready to come home. i will admit that most of it was because i missed ben, but more than ever before, i realized on that trip that i am a total introvert. i know i'm completely chatty and enjoy people immensely, but i am dragging pretty terribly if i don't have any alone time. with 18 other members of your family running around all week, there is no such thing as alone time. that part was hard, but after two and a half hours wandering around an outlet mall by myself one evening, i was much much better. julie's car and gps are exactly what i needed. ha. i would never trade the memories i gained that vaca though...mostly my time with grandpa and grandma really. they are two incredible people and i am blessed to know them. they love me so well.

this semester has been an interesting one so far...probably because so many of my relationships have changed. everyone is really involved in their major classes and with the stress of life in general. it's a hard semester because anyone that doesn't know what they're doing in may is now freaking out. i hear it every single day and it reverberates deep within me too. besides that though, i've been trying to balance homework, friends, ben, and sleep. ha. it's been harder than i anticipated, especially considering i enjoy spending most of my time with ben. after a few weeks away though, i'm beginning to see how important my girls are to me. not sure i could do a whole lot of life without them for very long. our relationship is still new and i hate to have to justify it, but it's important for us to be spending time together right now trying to decipher if this is legit or not. if the Lord leads us away from each other after graduation, we're going to need a foundation that seemingly endless nights over the telephone can rest firmly upon. i don't regret being with him so much, i just wish i had more time in the day. ha. still, it'll all work out and i'll get in a routine... :)

i think i hear jess and liz so i'm going, but if you're reading, please be praying for johnson...and the Lord's will to be done. until next time...

stace

three beautiful things.

2008-12-04T20:09:00.002-05:00

things to be thankful for today:

1. good friends that calm me down during a "freak out."(steph, thanks for praying with and for me.)
2. skipping class today-- two of them! :)
3. serving a God that enjoys showering me extravagantly with His holy and redemptive love.

thanksgiving is just around the corner...

2008-11-21T16:21:00.006-05:00

the holidays are going to look a bit different around the powell household this year, but i think i'm finally coming to terms with it all. i'll be working on thanksgiving day this year and originally was completely bummed out about it. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and always has been...it's never about anything but togetherness and family and quality time and laughter-- it's goodness all wrapped up in a 24-hour package. i love it. needless to say, missing out on it was disappointing, but the payoff a month later is well worth it! at this point, i'm just ready for any sort of a break. even going to work has its perks.

my boss was kind enough to work with me and my difficult schedule and it looks as if i'll only be working until the 23rd of december. i'll go in for about an hour very early on the 24th (just to say i worked another holiday) and then will be on my way to sunny orlando with my dad. my mom is planning on flying down later that afternoon (14 hours in the car is just too difficult for her and it was too much for all to fly) and that way we'll be able to wake up on christmas morning with jules. by that time she'll be at pete's and i think it will be nice for him to have some family on christmas morning as well. it's going to be strange not sitting in my living room with our christmas tree and the stockings i've used since i was a wee little girl, but i'm pretty okay with change. we'll drive another 6 hours south on the 27th and meet up with the grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles to enjoy a week at the beach. dad and i will drive back the 4th and meet mom at home on the 5th. whew. then it's back to school. my last semester...eek! we don't need to talk about that right now though. ha.

so yeah, at this point, bring on thanksgiving (even if it isn't totally what i'm used to-- i still get yummy leftovers)! the countdown to leaving school is on: 94.5 hours. my research paper desperately needs doing before then though...maybe that's why i'm holed away in the library procrastinating again! back to it... :)

but first, just a few pictures from past thanksgivings.

overwhelmed by goodness.

2008-11-19T14:33:00.002-05:00

more than any other time in my life, i feel as if God has been showing me His goodness over and over and over again. many of you reading know me well and know that my life was not always this way. it has been a long process to get to this place, but the journey has been so worth it. i say that today with such conviction and the knowledge that Jesus has always had my best interest at heart.

last week the Lord laid it on my heart to write a letter to a friend...i feel He does this often and most of the time i simply ignore it. way to be obedient, right? well, i answered His call with a "yes" this time and poured out my heart, hoping that the words written would be received as encouragement and nothing short of that. (he should be getting it today, so we'll see...) i shared the goodness of my Lord and the fullness, the joy, the freedom, and the peace that now permeate my very being. i wanted to extend that same Truth to him, but after writing it said to myself, "do i truly believe that? do i live my life in such a way that i convey this joy and freedom?" it was challenging. and i have been pondering it since.

monday was not a great day for me and that is putting it mildly. it was hard for me to live a fully redeemed life as i was bogged down by symptoms of the disease that plagues me. i said, "Jesus, i don't know that i can do this for 50 more years." i don't share my pain with others most of the time, as it makes me feel like a complainer and a big baby. it makes me vulnerable and needy. i hate it. but it had gotten to the point that i couldn't hide the despair i was experiencing. a friend of mine said to me, "you're ridiculous...you're not complaining. you don't have to prove you're tough; i already know you are." i felt so much freedom in that moment, knowing that with certain people in my life, i don't have to pretend to be tough. my pain makes me miserable sometimes and that's a fact, but it's not something i always have to keep to myself. i woke the yesterday morning with a note from this same friend, encouraging me to use my hardship to "personify and epitomize Christ's redemptive work" in my life. what a challenge, but it was exactly the perspective change i needed.

i realized then that God divinely provides for me in every moment. He brings people into my life in the moments i need them most. He opens my eyes to the beauty of His creation during times when i feel discouraged about the mess we've made of this world. He provides me moments of rest when i feel as if i'm at a breaking point. He is amazing.

last night's Bible study and this morning's chapel blessed me so much. my suite is studying romans and last night i was so challenged to make some changes in my life...this week i'm focusing on two specific areas: gossip and pride. i don't expect that they'll be solved by the end of this week (although that would be nice!), but being conscientious about my actions and intentional with the words i speak is so key. at the end of my life i would love for others to be able to look back on my life and say, "you know, stace always refused to talk about people and served them with such humility." not a bad goal, right? :) we spent some great time in prayer last night, asking God to renew our spirits and fill us with joy overflowing. we spent our last 5-10 minutes together calling out the attributes of God that we are so thankful for...He is my Redeemer, my Provider, and He declares me righteous. it's so easy to become focused on all the negative, so choosing to see the positive was so healthy for me last night. i went to bed with a sense of contentment i hadn't known in a while.

i felt so silly with love and joy during chapel this morning that i thought my heart might burst with it. i listened to a song over and over again this morning as i was getting ready and when they began to play it during chapel, tears filled my eyes. Jesus is romancing me and i couldn't be more thankful. i wish there were more ways to put it, but all i really know is Jesus is so good.

i hope this encourages you as much as it does me.

The precious blood of Jesus Christ redeems,
Forgiven I’m alive, restored, set free.
Your majesty resides inside of me,
forever I believe. Forever I believe.
Arrested by your truth and righteousness,
your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness.
Convicted by your Spirit, led by your Word.
Your love will never fail.
Your love will never fail.
‘Cause I know you gave the world your only Son for us to
know your name, to live within the Savior's love and He took my place,
knowing He’d be crucified and you loved.. you loved, a people undeserving!

they are most certainly not forgotten.

2008-11-14T00:14:00.003-05:00

a few weeks ago in church, they showed a video about helping kids at christmas time. i don't remember all the details of the actual charity, but at one point they said, "it says to the children, 'you are not forgotten.'" at that, my eyes welled with tears and i could hardly contain myself. i had already been fighting what was obviously a losing battle looking at the children on the screen and remembering all my own children...half a world away. my heart longs to be back. they are most certainly not forgotten. i remember them every single day and i ask myself, "what are they up to? do they miss me too? i wonder how jesus is touching their lives today..." ugh. i always said i wish my super power was the ability to click my heels like dorothy in the wizard of oz and go anywhere i desired in the blink of an eye. i could click myself to india just to have lunch and click myself back in time for class. jesus clearly has the capacity to grant such a desire...maybe i should start praying. seriously though, i hope and pray those children know that they are not forgotten. not by me, not by our Redeemer. they are beloved. they are precious. they are valuable in our sight. they are loved. they are so loved. they are so incredibly loved. every ounce of their being is loved and i pray tonight that each one of them is claiming that truth in their own lives. i pray that in spite of parents that abuse them or abandon them, in spite of a culture that tells them they are less than animals, they look in the mirror and say, "i am whole. i am healed." dear Lord, may it be so.

fast forward a few more days. i'm attending a beautiful group that celebrates recovery, whatever that may be in the lives of the attendees. i was there to actually do some clinical work, but apparently there had been a mix-up and they had no idea we were coming. another student and myself slipped in behind their circle and sat for 45 minutes as these women shared their stories. some were just beginning to work through their brokenness while others had emerged on the other side and remained to offer hope. it was beautiful. and i was so naive. they shared stories of serious drug addictions, ones that took their children from them and left them without any idea as to who they really were. one woman (who i actually knew) told her story about being sexually abused as a little girl-- it took her 48 years to recognize her value in Christ. one lady said she used to share a bed with 10-15 different men every day just to fund her drug habit. she's now healed. another chronicled her battle with a terrible eating disorder and how every morning she wakes up, looks in the mirror, and says to herself, "you are beloved. you are holy in His sight. you are the head and not the tail. you are above and not below. you are valued." these women are also most certainly not forgotten.

now to today. TU volleyball game. the chatter of spectators and the echo of volleyballs being slammed on the court fill my ears. the girls explode off the ground and the powerful arm swing entrances me. i miss the game. something catches my eye off the backside of the court.

a man.
shuffling.
wearing a purple game shirt.
eating his popcorn.
waving his hands above his head and clapping because he sees everyone else doing it.
he's in his own world.

my heart seemingly stops. my eyes fill with tears. silence. Lord, help me fight the urge to cry. not here, Father. not in front of all these people. this is incredibly embarrassing.

i close my eyes. gain my composure. look around me. no one has noticed a thing and no one else is even looking at this man. he appears to be invisible. that part hurts more.

i sat for a moment or two, pitying this man, wondering if he has people in his life that love him and love him well. he's mentally retarded after all, and he's vulnerable.

then Jesus said to me, "why do you pity him? look at him! really look at him! he's so full of joy and he wouldn't be spending this moment of his life any other way. don't pity him. i love him just the same way i love you and even if no one here on this earth loves him well, it doesn't matter. i validate his life. his existence delights Me. cheer up, stace. he is most certainly not forgotten either."

redeeming love.

2008-11-12T00:22:00.000-05:00

i have two warnings before you start reading this entry:

1. it is fairly personal. if that scares you or you just don't care, stop here.
2. it is all about love. sometimes that scares people too.

i just finished reading redeeming love for the second time a few weeks ago. i started it on a wednesday and was done by saturday afternoon. i simply couldn't put it down and although i remembered the gist of one of the most amazing love stories i've ever known, it struck me so differently because i am a totally different person than the college freshman that read it the first time around. i know this sounds silly, but i resonated with angel so much throughout the book-- i felt as if i was her in many ways. i didn't feel connected to her simply because she represents christians that turn their back on God and michael represents the God that keeps pursuing. that part is true, sure, but even just her part in the literal love story made me understand myself so much more. for those of you that haven't read it (which you should go and do right now!), the fiction novel is modeled after the book of hosea in the Bible. angel plays the part of gomer, the prostitute that God asks hosea (michael) to marry. she runs back to her lifestyle and he pursues her again...and again...and again. it is a beautiful picture of how God loves us and continues to redeem us, to buy us back, even when we willfully turn and run from Him.

i can tell you that i relate to angel because she pays penance a lot in her life. how could she, a soiled dove, ever deserve to be happy? how could she ever deserve a man as wonderful and pure as michael hosea? how could she ever ask forgiveness or be cleansed from all the terrible things she has done in her life? how? at one point in the book, she tells him that she wishes she were whole for him. he asks, "because you think it would make me love you more?" she simply thought, "no, so that i could be worthy of you." i dated a boy once, a very nice boy. he thought i was worth pursuing and he told me he wanted to take care of me and see if our relationship might ultimately end in marriage. from the moment he started taking interest, i always wondered why. how could he, a man that has seemingly never done anything wrong in his life, want to court a tainted trainwreck like myself? i entered into the relationship anyway, but eventually could not take the self-imposed feelings of unworthiness and decided to end it. i didn't really have a great reason to do so, however. i mean, the guy was practically perfect on paper! i ended up doing the only thing i knew would make me feel guilty enough to cut ties between us: i failed to resist the advances of another boy. i thought that if i could prove that i was so unworthy of dating him, it would force me to end something i truly did want and it would ultimately be in his best interest; he needed to be away from a girl such as me. after all, i'm not a girl worth pursuing. since then, i have dated no one else and a few years have gone by. i cut myself off from having any desire to date again and convinced myself that i neither needed nor wanted a man. i closed my heart off and blamed it on my busyness and independence, afraid to ever really be happy in a relationship again. i have literally been self-destructively thinking that in some way, paying penance for past mistakes would eventually make things right. oh, i have been deceived. i have settled for less on many occasions, did things i ought not to do, and thought that all along it was what i was resigned to for the rest of my life.

most of the time i am so far removed from the person i was so many years ago when i was steeped in an unhealthy relationship full of sin. i look at myself and say, "that's not who you are anymore. you've changed." that works a lot of the time (except in the aforementioned relationship with Great Christian Boy) and when people tease me about my past, i normally laugh it off and make light of it. after all, it's history. well, this past week that didn't work so well for me. let's just say that some joking was going on that didn't really feel a whole lot like joking...i got up from the table and ran off crying...for four hours. i was a wreck and all the lies i'd been fighting for so long overwhelmed me and i gave in. i had not felt so much shame in such a long time, as the comments were reminders of the tarnished girl i used to be. i cried out asking God, "when do i get to be free? when will i ever be able to stop paying penance for the past?" i was hysterical. when i finally arrived back to the room that night, i had one of the most amazing conversations with the girl that teased me. she cried, i cried...and i walked away feeling as if something truly beautiful had come from it all. it was a time of confession, a time of encouragement, and a time of truly fellowshipping the way i believe Jesus intends for it to be all the time. there is beauty in brokenness.

okay, i tell you all that to say this: i serve one amazing God. He threw me for a loop today. a dear friend of mine that now lives far away sent a package in the mail that arrived this morning. it was addressed to myself and two other girls and included a book for the three of us to read as well as individualized letters for each of us. i bawled when i read mine. the letter was dated the same day as my hysteria, but had been written at 5:33 am, long before the incident. My friend had been unable to sleep and instead had stayed up praying for my friends and myself and writing to us. she tells me why she wants me to read the book...

"this last chapter i read caused me to think of you specifically because it told the story of a woman who was ruled by the thoughts and lies that she wasn't good enough and was undeserving of a life free of shame and guilt because of her past. i know this is something you've wrestled with and even the other day on the phone a shimmer of doubt showed up in our conversation when you were talking about ***** because of 'your past.' Stac, those thoughts are crippling lies and choke all hope you deserve from your dreams and your life. don't look back on your life unless you can do it with the truth and knowledge of God's faithfulness. this is what matters! there is no other reason to look back because when we do that, we are only preventing ourselves from hoping and dreaming and living in the freedom that God loved us enough to rescue us. you deserve better because you are His child! You are not the person you once were! believe it, sister! :)"

isn't that amazing that she was praying for me concerning this struggle area of my life, not knowing that that very evening, i would face what i did? i feel so thankful that i was covered in prayer. despite how hard those four hours were, i hate to know how i would have handled things without someone standing in the gap for me. God has blessed me so, and if that doesn't demonstrate the redeeming love my God offers me, i'm not sure what does.

maybe a little personal (and a little long) tonight? sorry. i'm just tired of hiding.

God does not waste our suffering.

2008-10-29T15:56:00.006-04:00

i don't understand why things in life happen sometimes, but what i do know is that God does not waste our suffering. my heart goes out to a few friends of mine right now as they and their families are struggling with some very life-changing situations. you all are in my prayers and even though i know you all know it, remember that nothing in our lives goes untouched by Him. He knows and cares for both of you and all of this is in His beautiful plan. just as He has never wasted mine, He also will not waste your suffering. keep your eyes fixed upon Him.

speaking of suffering though, the aforementioned lesson is one that God taught me while i was in india. bringing this realization to mind has helped me on numerous occasions since i have been back over the last three months. i miss my children every single day and although the intense pain is not as frequent as it was, it still comes around more often than i would prefer. leaving them was the hardest thing i ever had to do in life and multiple times throughout a day i wonder if they're lonely, hungry, frightened, etc. their lives are so hard and i can't begin to know what that's like, but it keeps me sane knowing that God is not going to waste their suffering. He uses the brokenness to bring beauty and that's redemptive. on an afternoon where i am consumed with thoughts of going back and heartache that it's not just as simple as hopping on a plane, i rest in that.

thought i might share some of my favorite moments...i can still hear the giggling. and as far as that last one goes, i have no idea why we were smiling! this was on the bus on the way to the airport to leave after an incredibly emotional goodbye.

2008-10-26T22:14:00.003-04:00

tonight i am so restless. instead of completing any one of my three BIG papers this week, i instead find myself doing anything to avoid them. mostly those distractions consist of researching mission organizations like the world race (thank you, michelle), cure international, cmfi, etc. etc. etc. i feel as if my lack of focus can be blamed on the fact that i am just so ready to be DONE! i so desperately want to be utilizing the gifts and skills that the Lord has graciously blessed me with. i feel a bit stir crazy thinking i have six and half more months of this! although the prospect of graduation is still terrifying in and of itself, i'm simply excited to watch God's plan for me unfold before my eyes. i was telling a friend at dinner this week, "i feel like i've been made for so much more." i'm ready. well, as ready as one who has no confidence in her own abilities can be. ha. but india showed me i can have full confidence in HIS abilities. i'm not even worried about my own at this point. just relying on Him.

i had a coffee date last night that was incredibly interesting and mentally exhausting. the gentleman i met with was an acquaintance and was far more intellectual than i could ever hope to be. he was discussing issues i have no knowledge about and was talking as if i did or at least should. it was overwhelming because it was all about Scripture and made me feel as if i didn't love Jesus nearly as much because of my ignorance. i finally looked at him at one point and said, "i wish i had the knowledge that you do, but the fact is, i don't. my relationship with Christ is very real and it's personal and i love Him very much, but i know nothing about the history behind his lineage and cultures and various countries and exiles, etc. etc. etc. i just know that He's changed my life." maybe that is the most ignorant thing to say, but i've never really felt the desire to read a million commentaries and research apologetics. do i think it's interesting? absolutely. but i'm afraid of making my faith so much about head knowledge. to me, the Gospel is simple. why complicate the fact that Jesus died on the cross for me, a dirty and broken and completely undeserving individual? i think there can be a great balance between head and heart, but i never want my head to overpower what i know Christ has done in my heart and spirit. i'm not exactly sure if all this makes sense because it's truly the first time i've verbalized it all, but i hope what i'm saying doesn't make me sound like a pagan...

anyway, i suppose 10:35 is a sufficient time to begin working on my midterm critique for tomorrow. ha. i just needed one more way to procrastinate... :)

isaiah 42:16

2008-10-07T20:07:00.003-04:00

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. -Isaiah 42:16

my eyes filled with tears this morning during my 7:50 class as one of my classmates shared this verse during our devotion time. it not only relates to my last post about feeling all mixed up inside, it also relates to all the confusion that sets before me regarding my future. everyone keeps asking, "so what are you doing in seven months?" my answer is perpetually, "i don't know." it's the truth too. i don't have a clue where God is going to lead me in seven short months. i suppose i just have to trust that He will not forsake me and light the way.

i keep thinking about grad school and how i should probably start looking-- maybe i'll move to the city, get a job, and once i'm settled in a few years, go back to further my nursing education. i could really enjoy my life and all the attractive and exciting things it has to offer a single, carefree, twenty-something. i see so many of my other graduated friends delving into what may be considered a fairly selfish life. but it's so attractive and enticing.

i could stay around indiana, enjoy time around my family, and settle into a routine life among what is comfortable. after all, my grandparents aren't going to be around forever, right?

or, i could do what the other half of my heart is longing for: i could go on an incredible adventure, one that leads me straight into the arms of broken and hurting people all over the world. i could become a missionary. it seems weird (and incredibly scary) that i've reached this stage of my life. i have been praying about it for years and yet now that it's all coming to a pinnacle, i'm frozen, unable to move or think or decide what in the world i want. i think i have an idea what i was made for, but it requires sacrifice-- and lots of it. it requires heartache. it requires being absent from the lives of so many i love. it requires blind faith. it requires wholly holy living. it requires selflessness. God, it requires too much! still, i simply cannot forget what my heart felt as i stepped out of the plane and onto Indian soil. it was like coming home again. i cannot forget how my heart cries out to be there every single day and i cannot forget what it was like to tell dhivya goodbye on the phone the other night; it felt as if my heart was being ripped from my chest again-- so i wept. do i really believe i can forget all that and live a "comfortable" life with no regrets in seven months? i just don't know.

i talked with eric about it last week. i told him about an email i got concerning being a nanny for a missionary couple in india for six months to a year starting in february. that clearly doesn't work with my school schedule, but it's something i'm still willing to look into. he told me i may want to know all my options, all the mission organizations i could possibly get on board with, and that i should formulate a list of what i want and send it to him. he can do some networking for me. at this point, we're not just talking about a short-term two-week trip as a student. we're talking about my life...as an adult. we're talking about choosing a lifestyle and one that will not be easy. but i suppose Jesus doesn't always call us to what is easy, huh? it's the real deal, people. it's time to put my money where my mouth is. it's time to decide if Jesus is big enough to be trusted with my future. so...i'm praying. please pray with me.

i remember driving one afternoon and calling my mom on the phone. i told her about a recent incident that broke my heart and i said, "mom, i am praying for a heart that breaks at the things that break Jesus' heart. i want my life to bring Jesus' healing balm to those that are hurting." she said, "stacey, don't pray for that life. it will hurt and be full of pain, full of the pain of others." but you know what? i don't care. i have experienced so much hurt in my life, but Jesus has brought me peace. it is that peace i desire to impart to others. oh, may God allow it to be so.

all mixed up.

2008-10-02T21:12:00.006-04:00

as many of you know, i'm all mixed up inside. Jesus has done something to me and now i never feel quite right. besides the physical consequences india has left on my body, there are many many emotional and spiritual issues that my time there has wrought. i've been home almost three months--crazy, right?-- and still feel totally unsettled. it's getting to the point now that i'm not sure if i'm just mixed up and will eventually return to normal, or if it means i'm changed and meant to remain this way. i know this all seems very vague, so let me try to explain myself.

it all comes down to small things really, spending money being the biggest one. it used to be that i doubted God's ability to provide. now it is that i hate enjoying luxuries when i know my children halfway around the world are going to bed hungry. it doesn't mean that i never spend the money-- sometimes my rationality kicks in-- but as i hand the bills over, it just hurts inside. oftentimes i will be driving back in my car wondering, "why did you think you needed that? you could've gone without. now you are not allowed to spend money an anything for the next five days." i wonder if i am sometimes taking it too far, if i am paying penance for something i had no control over. i didn't ask to be born in the u.s. and i didn't ask that they go without. still, it's one of the things i struggle with the most. someone i shared with recently about this specific issue told me about a haitian missionary they had worked alongside. she said to them, "do not feel guilty. for whatever reason, God has placed you here in the u.s. and He has placed me in haiti. He has decided that i have nothing and that you have plenty for a reason. i do not want to be you. i do not want your life. so do not feel guilty." it was freeing for me to hear this story relayed to me. i sit here at my desk by lamplight, never having to worry if the power will cut out, with all my stuff around me and pity the poorest of the poor. it didn't really hit me until recently that maybe they don't want my pity. maybe they don't pity themselves. maybe they really do not want my life! what an arrogant and pompous way to think...i am an american through and though. i suppose that sentiment makes sense when i view it in light of the joy i saw in their lives. i envy that they don't have so many distractions, so many things to get in the way that only make them lust for more. still, i don't think that money spending is an issue that will become easy for me again.
i learned so much in india and i don't think that i have shared what any of those things are up until now. when i knew i'd be sharing at one of my church's Bible studies, i took my journal and my pictures and Bible to the wabash college library and just skimmed through, highlighting stories and lessons that i wanted to be sure to touch on. for time purposes, i will list them now and hope to elaborate further in entries to come.

1. God is universal.
2. love boldly.
3. trust blindly.
4. find God in every moment and renew a sense of childlike awe.
5. give until it hurts-- what is the most i can possibly give God?
6. God has called us to fellowship.
7. God uses us despite our severe inadequacies.
8. i cannot change the world, but i can change the world for one.
9. God never wastes our suffering.
10. entrust others into His care-- He knows best.
11. life is all about balance.

now, some of that may seem very vague right now or not make sense. it's a shorthand version of things God taught me and continues to teach me. i promise to expand later, but for the mean time, maybe there are some things that God may be asking of you in that list...love someone in your life boldly? trust Him blindly? give until it hurts? i'm not sure, but i will communicate soon exactly how each one of these has played out in my own life.

a fabulous weekend-- c'ville reunion! :)

2008-09-28T23:25:00.000-04:00

i arrived back from a FABULOUS three days with some of my best friends in terre haute this weekend. i decided that i would forgo ethan's 5th birthday party next weekend (i will miss him though!) and used my gas money to drive three hours to isu to see my best friend-- see picture below.
after meeting some of her friends at "the office" premiere, we stayed the night in her dorm room. it was just really great to finally be able to visualize where she is every time i talk to her, but also to just talk honestly. God had been challenging me for some time to share some things with kate that i had been hiding for a very long time. turns out that little prompt and obedience to it brought a semblance of freedom-- on both sides. there is nothing like being 100% yourself with someone. she knows everything embarrassing or shameful i've ever done in my life now and although that leaves me completely vulnerable, i know it's all safe with her. i believe it's what the good Lord intended when He created us to be in fellowship with one another. i am blessed.

we met charlie for lunch friday, played around friday afternoon and grabbed dinner with kate's roommate and then finally headed over to daniel and lisa's late that night. we stayed two nights and had the best time surrounded by all our friends. their apartment was so stinking cute and we laughed a lot. charlie was in and out due to other obligations, but for the most part, we all spent the whole weekend together. it was exactly what i needed. i was telling my sister (as we were talking on the long drive home) that there really is nothing in life like the people that know your past and what you come from. i have AMAZING friends here at school- don't get me wrong- but sometimes it's refreshing to just be with people that love and accept the person that you've always been, not just the person you've become through all the experiences. God is good and He teaches me through these people. i feel so challenged and encouraged as i go to bed tonight.

things i'm thankful for...
1. a GREAT weekend.
2. hilarious games of Sorry. i'm obsessed.
3. belated birthday presents.
4. the opportunity to glorify Christ with my life each and every moment.

being thankful makes everything in life better.

2008-09-24T00:10:00.000-04:00

tonight i went to visit my friend katie at payne's and we ended up talking for FIVE hours! i just love her...the thing is, we could have kept talking for much much longer. as we were chatting though, she mentioned that studies have been done that prove that by writing down/saying things you are thankful for at the end of each day actually improves your life and you are proven to get fewer colds!!! crazy what a little positive thinking can do for you...

here are today's three (or ten) beautiful things:
1. clearly, my time with katie. amazing.
2. my canceled 7:50 class this morning- yes!
3. today's amazing weather and sunshine.
4. suite Bible study. it blesses me to be with women that love Jesus.
5. winning an intense game of sorry this afternoon.
6. talking to my dad on the phone tonight.
7. a surprise birthday party for me, susan, becca, and jess! (mine's a little late, but we celebrated anyway and i got dirt pudding!)
8. lunch with steph and the hallis babies...i just love that little keegan and want to keep him all to myself!
9. laughing hysterically at raut (essentially having way too much fun in my suite in general)-- "this one's for you, stace!" or "stace, i need you in here!" ahahaha.
10. having a fully feminine heart.

i could go on and on and on because Jesus is just too good to me sometimes, but i will stop there. i have so many other things to update about...um, but they'll have to wait until later. bedtime!

three beautiful things...

2008-09-21T17:51:00.000-04:00

1. being a part of something bigger than yourself...
2. laughing so hard that your abs get a workout.
3. meeting new people and rubbing lives with them.

your pain has changed me...

2008-08-29T13:08:00.000-04:00

a friend introduced me to some sara groves music recently...by far, this song is my favorite and i find myself playing it in the car over and over and over again. in a song, sara managed to capture my heart's cry as a result of my time in india. this song blesses me and speaks when i have no words. truly their pain has changed me.

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dreams inspire
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

2008-08-17T14:11:00.000-04:00

i'll set the scene for you:

driving down washington street in crawfordsville, waiting for the light to turn green so i can turn down wabash and head home. there is a man wearing khaki shorts, a red polo, and some very thick-lensed glasses standing on the opposite corner waiting to cross the street toward me. i begin to make the turn but stop, wanting to wait for him to cross. his steps are jerky as he walks, clearly indicating he has some sort of physical defect. he sees me waiting and begins to run across the street to get out of my way. he is stumbling and struggling so hard all so that i can be home five seconds sooner than i would have had he walked. i begin to weep.

all of this transpired in a matter of ten seconds or less, but my heart hurts. i have just begun to really share about all that God did in india this summer and how His broken people have touched my life. even after being home for a month, many moments throughout the day are extremely difficult. part of what has been getting me through has been praying that God would reveal His broken and hurting people to me here in this place as well. my weeping at the sight of a stumbling man crossing washington is evidence that God is certainly answering my prayer. i had the urge to pull my car over, jump out, and hug this man. i sensed in a few short seconds that his life has been one of rejection and hurt and maybe even bitterness at the hand God has dealt him. i wanted to comfort him and tell him about a love that fills all the gaping wounds inside: the love of Christ. many of life's injustices that i witnessed in india and continue to witness here break my heart. why was i born into a family that loves me? why did God bless me with a body that works and a brain that thinks well? why is that God has revealed Himself to me in so many ways while i wait for the day that He reveals Himself to others i love and pray for without ceasing? why? why? why? i don't understand sometimes. i don't understand why some people suffer their whole lives like the hindus living in the streets of india when they don't even have hope for life after death. what kind of existence is that? are they just too stubborn to see? is God using their poverty and suffering to try to bring them to Him? but what if they don't turn? they've had a hard life and a terrible afterlife! oh, God...i have so many questions. please help me to make sense of what's going on in Your world. my heart is so burdened, but i entrust these people into Your hands, knowing despite the hurt that You love and care for them more than i could ever fathom.

2008-08-07T23:50:00.001-04:00

it's days like today that make me want to run back to india. i mean, i want to do that everyday, but some are worse than others. today was one of those. 13 hours working in the restaurant with no break. i'm not even necessarily complaining about that because i had fairly good tables and nice people, but i am so hungry for some Christian fellowship. i need it in the worst way right now. everyone there makes me feel tired and weary and empty inside...it's like they suck the joy and Jesus right out of me. i try and try and try to talk about Him as much as possible, try to remind myself that i am working for Him and not for man, try to be the example of love that He woud want me to be, but dangit! it's hard to love like Jesus does. in india, it was simple. it's easy to love children that run for you when they see you coming. it's easy to serve and be caring toward such humble and broken people. my heart could not help but cry out for them. but here, it's hard. people are stubborn and sinful and hateful and AH! i just want to give up the fight and tell them what i think!!! i want to stop being kind and going the extra mile to help them out when i know i would never receive the favor in return. i want to call them mean names and gossip about them like everyone else does. my flesh longs to do so many things and yet, i cannot. God calls me to a higher standard. oh, how easy my life would be except for that. empty? probably, but i'm feeling pretty discontent right now. it makes me angry that i'm called to love these people...what a terrible heart condition. it makes me sick that i'm at this place to be honest. what kind of a person begrudges praying for others and serving them?

oh, Jesus, please help me love the way You do. please forgive me and fill me to overflowing with your Spirit. i'm tired and weary and i feel all broken apart inside. take my burdens, i pray. i want to know contentment and i want You to be enough. please, Jesus, i'm asking You to come and dwell in me fully. help me love You well. once again, i lay my life at Your feet for Your taking. be glorified.

struggling.

2008-07-16T12:51:00.000-04:00

i've been home for 36 hours now and maybe it's too soon to write...i don't know, but i have so many thoughts floating around my head and it's driving me crazy not to have anywhere to put them. so maybe it is too soon to talk about certain things concerning my time in india as i haven't even really begun to process, but i do know i want to ask for prayer concerning my readjustment.

i woke up yesterday morning feeling completely lost. it is the weirdest thing to sleep in the home i have occupied for 16 years and still feel like a stranger within its walls. i look out the window and don't see copious amounts of trash in the street and think how odd it is. i see woman wearing shorts and tanktops and think about how immodest they look. i open up my refrigerator and marvel at cold drinking water. i walked into the grocery store last night and was shocked at the all the food on the shelves and how i didn't have to think twice about whether it was safe to eat or not. i cried spending almost $4.00 on a gallon of milk, knowing that it is more expensive than some people's weekly wages. i don't know where to start. yesterday i sat at this computer and uploaded photos and just stared for hours. i miss them. i miss them with everything in me and i desperately want to go back. returning to the states has been harder than i imagined and i suppose reverse culture shock is setting in in the worst way. after two days of travel and no shower or sleep, i said to liz, "we look like we've been through Hell and back." she said, "back? i don't think we're through it yet." at this moment, i would have to agree. i'm not angry like i thought i might be...yet. it is more that my heart feels completely broken. knowing that i cannot just walk down the path to see my precious children kills me inside. vividly recalling their tear-stained faces and racking sobs as we said our goodbyes haunt me. i don't know where to start. i am at a loss on how to begin comprehending what has just happened to me and how it fits into my world here, as i feel like i have no one who can truly 100% understand. please, if you are reading, be praying. my world has been turned upside down and i feel like a foreigner in my own home. i feel panicky sometimes and so i choose to be in denial at moments, but i don't want to deny the change in my heart just because it hurts too much to think about people i love suffering there. pray that God would give me the strength to fully face what He has showed me and that He would be the One to help me through the transition process. pray that india would change lives and that God would give others a love for His beautiful people there as well. i promise when i begin to figure things out, i will share about the many happenings during my last weeks there, but for now, i need to be left alone with my thoughts and with Jesus. thank you all for your prayers even now-- they make all the difference. love you all.

2008-07-11T02:37:00.000-04:00

well, this will officially be my last update while i'm in india. i cannot put into words how much God has shown up, how faithful He has been to our prayers, and how evident His presence has been as He has walked beside us every step of the way. i have never felt so inadequate for such a long period of time before, but i have learned to be okay with that because it just means that God gets all the glory and gets to do all the work! as i contemplate leaving this place, my mind and heart are overwhelmed by God's goodness and i try to remember to be thankful that i ever got to be a part of these people's lives rather than being sad that i won't be soon. it amazes me that we serve a God that can bind hearts together despite a very obvious language and cultural barrier and more than ever before, i believe God hears my prayers and that He answers every single one of them!

yesterday we met with the Indian board of directors and presented them with the extra money that you all blessed us with. it was truly a "God moment" in the room with them, as we cried sharing with them the impact this place has had upon our lives and then told them how we wanted to bless them. we were able to provide funds for 2 sewing machines, a staff member salary for three years, purchase English Bibles for all the staff members, put on a feast for the children, and help cover extra expenses they have for the children's food, fuel, clothing, etc. that is not being covered by sponsors right now. so thank you thank you thank you for your part in that. they were so blessed by it and after weeks in prayer about where to allocate the money, we feel confident that it truly was what God had in mind.

i have two more days with my children here, so you can bet i will be soaking up every last moment with them. again, i will be updating extensively when i get home, but please continue to pray. jessica has been down with a fairly severe stomach flu for almost two days, so please pray for her recovery and that elizabeth and i do not catch it! we do not want to be traveling home sick!!!

i will continue to pray for all of you and cannot wait to share about all of God's many blessings during my time away when i return. to Him be all the glory and honor and praise! love you all!

just a little guy today...

2008-07-06T03:04:00.000-04:00

last time i promised that i would be a better steward of my time, but today, there is no time! 30 minutes, slow internet, etc. doesn't leave me with much time to update. but i do want to thank you all for your emails and comments as they are such an encouragement to me. i know i have been saying it, but i cannot express my heartfelt gratitude in knowing that you all are praying for us! you're doing the hard work half a world away, so thank you for joining our team and being a part of the amazing ministry God has in India.

i would like to say that church last week went well. it was the one thing i was dreading all week and it turned out to be the biggest blessing yet. God worked a miracle, but that will have to wait. the week back with the children has been absolutely incredible (as usual) and i have been shedding many tears in anticipation of coming home. i wish that i could say that i desire to leave, that i want to come back, but the God's honest truth is that i could stay here forever. Johnson keeps offering, but i told him my mom might not appreciate that. he says she can come too. ha. i can truly say that this place has become one of my favorite places in all the earth. as we enter our last week here, and i know it will fly by, please be praying that God would be preparing our hearts to leave and that anything He desires to communicate and teach His people here through us would be accomplished before we go. please pray for His comfort, as i feel my heart breaking every moment now. thank you all! i wish i could write more, but most go! updates when i get home to come! 8 days! love you all and may His blessings pour out upon you this week as He blesses abundantly here!

never ceased to be amazed...

2008-06-27T08:15:00.000-04:00

i feel so silly every time i sit down to write you all, knowing that i left a disclaimer the post before because i never know if i will be able to update. well, God came through again. on our way to the leprosy home yesterday, we passed by an internet cafe within walking distance from our quarters. after i returned home from duty at the medical mission, we made our way here. it is by far the slowest internet i have experienced yet, but all my frustration and squinting is worth being able to share! :)

in case you are a little confused, elizabeth, jessica, and i are in neyyoor right now and have been since tuesday. we will be picked up at 7:15 sunday morning to go to sutheban's (an Indian board member) church where liz will preach, we will do a special song during the service, i will pray a dedication blessing for a new baby, we will lead Bible stories and songs for the Sunday school children, and then help lead a women's fellowship meeting that evening. i am SO overwhelmed and feel very out of my element! i am not a christian ministries major!!! ha. i am also leading chapel for nurses in the morning and uncomfortable with it, but trying to look at it as another opportunity to grow. God calls us all to minister, right? :) anyway, my experiences at the hospital have been...interesting. the first night we all wanted to call Johnson and tell him to let us come back to the orphanage! we were miserable. liz and jess are not big fans of hospitals anyway and this one looks like it came right out of a movie! i'm not kidding-- it's like 1960 nursing and older in many aspects. they have so many needs and look to me as an "American nurse" as if i can save them from their terrible financial situation. nurses here make about $100/month. the anesthesiologist i worked with made $250. the cataract surgery i watched cost $50 and the sigmoid colon cancer excision with anastomes was $375. unreal. i have hardly touched patients (i held a screaming mother's hand during labor-- no epidural and hardly any pain medication-- and helped examine cancer patients today), but have seen SO much and am shocked everyday. where do i even begin? they pray before surgeries that God would remove the bacteria from the air and prevent infection because there is no laminar air flow or even air conditioning! it was 85 degrees as the surgeon sliced open the man's abdomen and i about passed out from the heat. the OR door is open to outside air and nurses ran in and out about 100 times during a 2-hr. procedure. afterward, they wheeled him outside to a different ward in the compound. the best part was that the power went out in the middle of surgery as his intestines were resting nicely on his belly. don't worry, it was only three minutes before the back-up generator came on and besides, he had manual ventilation and anesthesia so the power outage didn't suffocate him. AH! i was having a heart attack watching. did i mention they wear flip-flops all the time, even in surgery?! they said they are "very careful," but sometimes vomit or blood gets on their feet. they just go wash it off. they know who has HIV and hep. B anyway, so no worries. i have so many more instances than these, but you all get the picture. be thankful for american healthcare!!! it doesn't matter that it costs an arm and a leg-- be thankful! be thankful that doctors do not treat our cancer patients with radiation machines from 50 years ago! be thankful that they have morphine and epidurals! i will never again complain about bad bedside manner or discomfort in hospitals. these patients all share one room and sleep on metal gurneys, are wheeled in metal wheelchairs, etc. it is unreal and i really wish i could have taken my camera to get some photos. i met with the medical superintendant this afternoon and she shared stories with me about God's miraculous healings in the hospitals, as that is their only resource at times. she is a phenomenal woman and has asked for our help as we travel back to the states. even equipment that is 10 or 15, even 20 years old would be of help here in this place. if they do not update their machinery soon, i fear that the medical mission started by missionaries in 1838 will be gone. they stand for God in a country shrouded in darkness. being their advocate when i return is a task i am more than happy to undertake. so...if you're reading and God is prompting, please pray for this hospital and the doctors here. they are brilliant, but they have little to work with. so please remember them!

(disclaimer: i am now picking up where i left off yesterday when the power cut out here, so there is a slight time change-- chapel went very well this morning. i praise Him for that and for finishing my time at the hospital well. we visited the children's polio home today. they were charming.)

so, what else has been going on in the last week? well, before we came to neyyoor tuesday evening, we had many heartwarming moments with johnson. he is quite a special man. our difficult conversations that we had to have at the home went over incredibly well, thanks to many prayers from all of you i know. so thank you for that. in all my life, i have never seen so many answered prayers in such a short period of time. i absolutely love it. although this last week at the hospital was challenging and uncomfortable in many ways, we always had the comfort of our God. He is oftentimes the only One i share my thoughts and feelings with; sometimes that is a result of being unable to vocalize them, but other times it is simply because He has become my very best friend. i mean, we were close before, but i have never had to rely upon Him the way that i have these last three and a half weeks. i always had all of you to turn to. i have elizabeth and jessica and i have been so thankful for how God has bonded us together, but really, He has become more vital and special to me in my time here than He ever has before in my life. i thank Him that i know He is using our time here in India not only to point others to Him, but also to draw ourselves closer to Him as well. i like double blessings! :) one of our funnier moments with johnson this week was after we returned one evening. we were standing in the doorway talking to helan and he could not see us. we heard our phone begin to ring and when we ran to get it, it was him calling from across the hall! he said, "well, you were standing in the doorway and i couldn't see you." we thought that was hysterical and so touching. we went to puthievan's (an Indian board member) church on sunday and shared a special song with 500 of them while johnson preached. afterwards we taught the children songs in english and they seemed to enjoy it greatly. one great lesson i learned while there reminded me of the woman in mark 12. she came and gave her all, even though it was nothing in comparison to the rich man. but he had only given a portion. as we sat in the service, unable to understand any tamil, we noticed the offering table close in front of us. underneath it was food given as offerings...mangoes, coconuts, etc. off to the side was one egg someone left. one single egg. in america, that gift would surely be scoffed at, but it was all this person had and they wanted God to have their best, even though in the eyes of the world, it wasn't much. we have no idea what it is like to only have one egg in life, but to give it anyway. i was blown away by this selfless act of sacrifice and seeing it under the table that day is a picture i will never forget. i pray for a heart like the one that offered the egg, a heart that trusts Him fully to provide for me. it's all His anyway. it has taken me a long time to get to this place, but now more than ever i am beginning to understand that absolutely nothing i have in life has had to do with anything i have contributed. like the giver i saw sunday morning, i want to give my all.

dhivya, an 18-year old nursing student at the home, gave us henna tattoos on our hands sunday evening as well. i took pictures of it as it is now fading, but wow! she is incredibly talented. before it was my turn, i played hand slapping games with the children and little Abirami sat on my lap and just giggled. she was making funny faces and tickling me back! i got four kisses from her that day and it's safe to say that if kidnapping were legal, we would have a new citizen of the united states in three weeks! ha. she does have a little brother at the home now though- he arrived that afternoon and is an exact replica of her. they have three cousins there as well and all are grandchildren of the home cook. it is hard to picture, as the cook has seemlingly had a very hard life. her teeth are orange and she is extremely rough around the edges. when we wore our saris the other day, she asked for a picture with us. when i stood beside her, it took a lot within me to wrap around her and not cringe, i am ashamed to say. i prayed for His love though and it was as if i was able to instantly see her worth through His filter. the children love her and she does great work there with a servant's heart. God allowed me to appreciate that about her and i have grown to love her too. my experience with her that evening really helped me recognize my need to pray for His eyes as i was preparing to leave for the hospital. it put a lot of fear in me that when everything inside me revolted at the sight of patients, i would be unable to love them and show them Him. but again, He answered those prayers and was faithful. i never once felt like cringing in their presence and that is DEFINITELY nothing of me.

oh, i have so much more to share, but our driver just arrived to pick us up! next time i will be a better steward of my time. promise! keep praying. i love you all and am so thankful!

only 24 days left...

2008-06-21T09:13:00.000-04:00

i write with a sense of urgency tonight as i sit in the internet cafe watching indians ride by on their bicycles and see mothers walking barefoot while carrying their half-naked babies. the sights and sounds and smells of india still surprise me at times, but i have fallen in love with the culture. i can't even begin to express what the thought of leaving does to me, although johnson (the man that started the orphanage) says, "you will be back." i pray that i will, but life doesn't give us guarantees, so in the mean time, i am attempting to soak up every last bit of india that i can. i write with urgency because of the incredible increase in spiritual warfare we have experienced as of late. elizabeth said it best today when she remarked, "i knew this was going too smoothly." we have encountered some issues that are requiring difficult conversations lately and so i ask that you would be praying fervently now. please be praying that the trusting relationships we have established with the staff here would not be destroyed by these conversations and that they would understand our place here is only to love and serve and that everything is in their best interest. sometimes it is so hard to communicate that over such large cultural barriers. please also be praying for wisdom of the board of directors and for unity within the organization. we know God has a bigger plan here than we originally imagined and we simply want to communicate the message He desires. please also be praying for the many needs the orphanage has: more staff members, pillows, sewing machines, buildings, etc. they simply do not have everything necessary to run the orphanage the way it should be, so ask that God would provide. i trust He will.

we visited kanyakumari last sunday and my journaling that night was heavy laden to say the least. i passed by the tsunami memorial, marking the point where thousands were wiped out by that terrible tragedy. i sat on a ledge overlooking the ocean...right beside a small building where people were offering prayers to some of the 33 million gods worshiped in this country. india is a country bound by hinduism and it was never so evident to me as it was last weekend. i watched a lady prepare her bed for the night on the side of the walkway and passed by numerous beggars crouched next to buildings. one young boy was leaning on his side on the ground. as i got closer, i could see that it was because he did not have legs from the knees down or arms from the elbows down. i did notice, however, that he had a smile on his face as he conversed with another man. he was basically laying in dirt and trash and i'm sure was assaulted by the pungent odor of urine and body odor that was all around. but he had found something to smile about. i pray that whatever it was it has its foundation in God, but there was still something to learn from this boy. i didn't know what to do with myself that night and when i remember it, i still don't. i weep at the overwhelming weight of our world situation and my eyes are shocked at the poverty i witness outside the walls of the home. where does one, with the help of God, even begin? before i flew to india, i thought on many occasions that God could use me to change the world. on that night, i seriously questioned that. how could i, as one young girl, possibly make a dent in this manmade mess? i haven't been able to answer that question as of now, but i don't feel quite as discouraged now as i did then. i know God cares and i know the plight of His people breaks His heart even more than mine, so i rest in that knowledge.

english was very hard this week, as the indians have no words for helping verbs! "do, does, did, has, had, have, would, could, should, can, may, might, must, shall, be, been, being, am, is, are"...none of these words exist in their language! try explaining that! it was difficult, but we got though and i think they have a fairly good grasp on it. indians are quick learners! speaking of learning though, i'm learning a little tamil of my own. the kids love quizzing us in the evenings, so we study before we head over there. they told us if we don't, we will be in trouble! ha. i guess it's only fair to learn their language if we are asking them to learn ours. we also took our cameras down to the home tuesday evening. it was chaos! "sister, one picture! sister! sister!" oh my goodness, i can't even describe the madness that ensued for an hour. it was totally worth it though...i got some really awesome pictures and video to bring home to show all of you. i can't post it here now for safety reasons, but will almost the minute i get home! :) when i left that evening, the girls were telling me they loved me in english. i melted, but was quickly surprised when i was hugged fiercely and then kissed on the lips! it didn't bother me, but i wondered if it was culturally okay. no one seems to care though, as i have been kissed numerous times since then. when i told them i loved them back, i really wanted to say, "i love you too and i have for months, before we even knew one another."

on wednesday nivya came by our room to try american snacks and we showed her pictures of the states and introduced her to our music. she loved fruit snacks and granola bars! that afternoon we headed over early because the staff asked us if we would wear their saris. before i knew what was happening, the entire female staff was in the room and i was half dressed! i felt very embarrassed knowing they are very modest, but they didn't seem to care. we took lots of pictures with them, but the kids would hardly touch us! nivya said it was because they were staring at our beauty, but it was like a whole different level of respect wearing those things! the most well-off staff member probably only has 10 saris to her name, each costing $5 which is considered very expensive here. her life's wardrobe costs $50 and she was so honored to have us dressed in her finest. it was a humbling experience. she did sneak away, however, and put on my dress from home. it was very funny and we shared a picture in our swapped outfits. on my way back to our room that night, we encountered a snake on out path. very small, but still. i yelled, "snake!" because liz was about to step on it, so i didn't have time to describe its size. jess and liz took off running down the path. hysterical. johnson was so worried about us though that he walked us to the road with a flashlight for dinner that night and even called ahead to tell the others at the home about the "scared American girls." hahaha. he is our caretaker and now we call him "tata," which is an affectionate term for grandfather in tamil. we said to him this afternoon, "you will miss us when we are gone." he paused for a moment and replied, "it will be as if i am losing three of my children." i cried again. big surprise.

thursday night was spent on the roof. it has been overcast almost the whole time we have been here, so when the moon was bright and the stars were out, we headed up to the roof. we prayed and sang worship songs together there and God certainly met us on that roof. i was left in awe of my Creator that night and as we poured our hearts out in prayer to Him, i know He was listening in our midst and was pleased with what He heard. my continual prayer is that He would be enough. i do not desire to place my trust in the things of this world, but rather in the One that made the entire universe. it kills me to think of how easily satisfied i am most of the time. i settle for the rags of men when He desires to bless me with eternal riches. i notice only outward appearances, but God wants to teach me to look inwardly. i choose to remain in bondage as He wants to extend me freedom. at the end of my life, i want to look back and thank Him for how He chose to use my life for His Kingdom, not for how much stuff i accumulated that i cannot take with me. i have very little here. 8 outfits and a few books and i have everything i could need. i am living life and am full of joy. the difference is that here in india it is acceptable to not have much to "show" for yourself. i get so discontented in the states because it would be unacceptable to have 8 outfits. who am i to think i deserve a comfortable life or more than what i need? i am ashamed by all the things i often indulge in...i have so much to learn here.

i did have a chance to chat with nivya and gigi about the commonality of individuals living among hindu families that are forced to hide their faith. nivya called them, "true believers." i told her i have never known faith like that, that i have never had to exercise my faith like that. i have never had the perseverance to pray for 12 years for the same thing-- that my family would be saved. our conversation was eye-opening and it blessed me. i hope sharing my heart blessed them as well, even though it is uncommon to be that open with another individual in their culture. i trust He had a hand in it.

eric sent us a postcard today from when he was in dubai. among other things it said, "keep journaling, as your time there will be over soon." i was reading it in the middle of our morning session with the kids and tried to keep my emotion in check, but began to cry thinking of leaving them. they were worried and when they asked why, i had nivya explain that i loved them and was dreading saying goodbye. at that, rehka placed her head on my shoulder and began to cry too. the thing is, the children keep saying, "coming back next year." we tell them no, but still they seem to believe we will be back then. i may never see them again in my life, so i know that in three sundays when we have to say goodbye, many hearts will be broken. i believe they love us just as much as we love them. i continue to pray for a heart that loves boldly.

we will be at the hospital starting tuesday evening this week, so we will be away from the children until sunday. i don't know if we will have internet access there and the following week we may go to kanyakumari to buy souvenirs, etc. so there is no guarantee i will have access to post for the rest of my time here. please pray that we do, but know that if we do not, God is remaining faithful and i am remembering all of you. thank you for being my cloud of witnesses and being part of this. love you all, all the way from india.

another week in india...

2008-06-14T08:01:00.000-04:00

i would first like to say that God is teaching me patience...i have been at this internet cafe for over an hour and finally was able to get on and read all your comments and update. forgive me for not acknowledging them last week. i didn't realize they were there, but as i read them, it was as if i could see and hear each and every one of you like we were talking face to face. i wept. my eyes are still full of tears and the Indian gentleman that runs the place looked at me as if i were crazy. it's not anything new really-- the Indians always just think we are a bunch of "crazy Americans." ha. thank you all very much for your kind words and prayers though. they really mean more than i can express.

i brought my journal along with me this time so that i can more quickly put my jumbled thoughts into coherent words for you all to read. since i wrote last, a lot has happened. after we returned monday evening from the cafe, we had dinner. they brought sandwiches for us from town and i made the mistake of eating the "spicy one" while everyone else had cheese and tomato or something similar. the next afternoon, i started to feel pretty awful as i headed over to the orphanage to meet the children after their school day. eric, liz, and jess sent me back and before i knew it, i had turned the fans off in our room, put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants, and was still freezing! let me say, you never feel cold in india. whenever i do anything, i sweat now. i realized i had a fairly high fever-- i am guessing 102 or 103 by the way i felt. when the others returned they immediately gave me tylenol and a motion sickness med because of my constant urge to vomit. God spared me from that end, but not the other if you catch my drift. (sorry for those of you that don't appreciate details, but i was on my death bed!) i cried and just wanted a soft bed and my mom. they laid hands on me and prayed for me though and i was sure that God would make me better-- i was supposed to visit the hospital and the doctor and nurse i would be working with the next day! helen, the wife of the man that used to run the orphanage, lives across the hall and she and her husband watch out for us. she was very worried and stood in the doorway the whole time they prayed for me. when they were finished, she hobbled in and said, "pray in tamil." she placed her cold hand on my forehead and started saying what i know was one of the most heartfelt prayers i ever witnessed. i couldn't understand a word she uttered, but there was power in it. i felt the Spirit overcome me and i sobbed the entire time she interceded. i wish i could more adequately explain what happened between us in that moment, but i don't know how to describe it. all i can say is that i felt the Spirit more in those few minutes than i have ever felt tangibly in my life. it was something i will never forget. it amazes me how i couldn't even properly tell her thank you b/c we don't share a common tongue, but we certainly share the same God. He touched me through her prayer, even when i couldn't understand-- God overcame a language barrier and used helen in my life. i am amazed by that. needless to say, it was still a hard night, but i woke the next morning feeling fine. i still was not able to go anywhere that day b/c i was fairly weak (liz and eric went to the hospital without me!), but God healed my body of food poisoning and had touched my spirit in the meantime. i will forever be thankful that i came down with such a miserable sickness-- it allowed me to see Him in a way i never had before. praise Him!

i was able to call home on wednesday and that was such a blessing. mom, dad, grandma sharon-- it was good to talk with you all and hear your voice. thank you for praying. on thursday, my first day back with the staff and kids, i had the most amazing time. it was eric's first day away from us and our first day to try and rough it without him. we were overwhelmed by the thought of it, but God blessed our day with laughter and good fellowship and teaching with Nivya (our translator) and just between the three of us. in fact, since he's been gone, it has been nothing but God showing up. He is faithful and there is never a moment i feel as if He has left me, even when i'm seemingly flying by the seat of my pants. :) thursday night as i journaled though, i was filled with brokenness. i shall share an excerpt:

The children here at the orphanage would be starving without this place. They would be receiving no education and would possibly never come to hear about Christ. Those children didn't choose to be born in India and they didn't choose to have a hard life- it chose them. Tonight I feel thankful that God chose to give me an "easy" life and that He chose for me to come here to this place so I could appreciate it even more. These children have so much love to give and I cannot describe how wonderful it feels to have 4 little hands in mine at once while a little one tugs at my skirt. They call me "sister" and give me kisses and I would love nothing more than to shove a few in my suitcase and take them home with me. Oh, that God would give me strength to love them BOLDLY. I don't want to fly home with one ounce of love left in me that could have been given, both to the children or the staff. Tonight I go to bed humbled by being in His service."

oh, how i wish you could all be here with me! i cry thinking about leaving this place and sometimes find myself desiring to hold back, not to give too much of my heart b/c i anticipate how difficult it will be to tell them goodbye, not knowing if i will ever be able to return to this place. so please pray that i will give them all of me-- even when it's hard. they run when they see us coming now and it is a sight i will hopefully capture on video for you all! :) they yell to be picked up and then snuggle in really close when we do. please also be praying that we would not get head lice from the kids! we love to cuddle them and they all have it from sleeping on straw mats on tile floor all crowded in a room together. if i get it, it won't be the end of the world, but i'm putting in requests to the Big Guy that i won't!

we're still teaching the staff English in the mornings, followed by creative study. they have requested that starting this monday we teach them study for the staff alone-- they think they know ways to teach the children by now. although that is intimidating, i am also amazed at their desire to grow and thankful for it. they still don't quite understand that there is more than one posture of prayer and that it is okay to give me prayer requests. i have been meeting with Sumin and Ezhyl and when i say, "how can i pray for you?" they never mention anything about themselves. it's not Indian culture to open up about struggles or be anything but "fine." slowly but surely i think we are getting the message across. be praying for those two specifically, that He would strengthen our bond in Him and a relationship of trust and intimacy would be formed.

we head over to the home around 4:30 in the afternoon to meet the kids, play with them, and teach them songs. we'll be tutoring the older ones in English from 6:30-8:00 this week as well. today we definitely flew by the seat of our pants, as the staff arranged 3 hours with the kids in the chapel for us! we were told they would have curriculum they needed help with, etc. and that they might want to be taught a song. well, when we arrived at 9 am, that was definitely not the case! God was faithful though and led us in ways to occupy three hours' time! ha. it was scary! they now know three new English worship songs (with actions, of course) and learned the story of Saul on the road to Damascus. we sent the little ones away then and helped the older with English we'd been teaching the staff all week. whew! minor catastrophe avoided!

that's really all for now though-- we're headed back soon to see the kids! :) oh, i guess i did do LOTS of laundry by hand in a sink today. talk about hard work! mom, you would be so proud! hahaha. there have been more creatures (ticks are prevalent as well- sick!), but that's commonplace by now. ha.

thank you again for all your prayers. i hope the update on how God is moving is as encouraging to you all as it is for me to see. i have not forgotten for one second that i have brought many people with me to india for this journey and i pray for you all daily. may God bless you all and give you opportunities to see His Kingdom everyday as i see it here. to Him goes all the glory. i love you all and hopefully will be back again next week to write. if you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry. accesss is just limited. until then, much love and prayers and blessings! miss you!

p.s. good luck to steven and josh at state! i am SO proud and wish i could be there for their special game! it will be 1:30 in the morning tonight when they throw the first pitch, so i will pray before i fall asleep! :)
p.p.s. cherie, i am especially praying for you right now as i know you are anticipating a visitor soon-- He will give you the opportunity and words. i am confident.

safe and sound in india!

2008-06-09T08:42:00.000-04:00

for those of you who may have been waiting for a word from me, i have arrived and am safe and sound in india! i am currently sitting in an internet cafe in a nearby village (we took a very terrifying 15 minute drive here-- the traffic is madness!) because i do not have the internet at the orphanage as previously hoped. we are expecting to make a trip to the cafe once a week to catch up on email and update everyone from home. mom and dad, i am also planning on calling about once a week, so hopefully you'll be able to hear my voice soon-- i miss you both a lot. i also must be careful with the words i use in my post, as Hindu extremists monitor every word being posted here. forgive me if i am vague at times. it is only to protect the other girls and myself as well as the children and staff at the home.

i suppose i'm totally overwhelmed and don't even know where to begin. i have had 4 ays in the country and our interpreter finally arrived today. we believe it was His protection, as we sort of needed a "soft landing" for the first few days as we acclimated ourselves to the many new things and recovered from jet lag. at home it is currently 9:45 in the morning while the sun has almost gone down here. it's strange, but i'm learning not to think indiana time anymore. so we arrived thursday afternoon, exhausted, and since then have been doing a lot of planning and "being honored." when eric told us that the people here would treat us better than any husband we'll ever have, i'm afraid he was right. adjusting to their culture and allowing them to get used to the idea of us as "servants" has been hard. they want to feed us constantly and make sure we are always comfortable, even bringing in pizza (although it was the HOTTEST pizza i have ever had in my life!) for last night's dinner. that was a special treat i must say b/c i have been eating a lot of rice, chapatis, soup that resembles potato, this crazy red cauliflower, fish with scales (creepy!), chicken cut every which way, and tea everyday twice a day. the heat makes me feel full constantly, so they worry we're not eating enough. they eat more in one setting than i could possibly eat in a day! the kids' appetites are quite impressive. the staff serves us different food though b/c theirs is too hot for us and we sit at a special table while they all sit indian style on the floor. after the first two meals, i learned to use my "natural" spoon...my right hand. ha. it's been interesting to say the least, but they show me a lot of grace. the weather hasn't been too horrible, but i do take a shower in the morning and at night before bed. i simply cannot go to bed and sleep that sticky. the showers are cold which isn't normally a problem, but one night we ran out of water. thankfully i had already washed off the soap when it happened. i do have a friend that hangs out in our bathroom all day though...we found him in the toilet to begin with and then he hopped up the wall. a friendly frog has been our companion up until this afternoon when we finally caught him and set him free out in the yard. hopefully a cobra ate him. ( sorry, mom, but they do have those here! they killed one last week, but i haven't seen one yet and hope to never see one!) we have encountered many creatures we are not accustomed to, including salamanders in our apartment, spiders everywhere including the toilet (i got bit in my sleep last night by something--spider probably.), preying mantis, giant stickbugs, and scorpions. i killed one in our room the first night. we scream a lot, which usually brings our kind neighbor helen over to make sure we're not dying. we've tried to tone it down lately for her sake. but besides the time change, the spicy food, the creatures, and the hot weather, everything is just like indiana! hahaha. i actually don't think i've found one thing that is like indiana yet. i'm learning so much though and think you all will be proud of how tough i have become when i return to the states.

as far as the children are concerned, they are amazing. we don't have much interaction with the boys, but there are 72 girls ranging in age from 6-18. the 6-year olds look like they could be two or three though, so it's hardly comparable to the states. our first visit with them, they were very timid, but would gather around us in large groups. i could tell they wanted to touch and hug us, but weren't sure if it was okay. the next day was a complete 180. they grabbed me, dragged me over to some chairs, and then all sat around us as we sang songs in english to them. we did the hokey pokey and played other games and they were so sweet, calling us "alagu," which means beautiful. many times they would put their hand in mine and say, "white pretty, black bad." my heart hurt then, realizing that they all wish they were white b/c it means privilege and a life different than their own. we attended service with them that evening and they were vying for the seats next to us. it was like they couldn't get enough of our attention. they truly are captivating though and i want to give them all my attention and love and affection. Their service was different though-- they sing a gajillion verses of a tamil song, say a very long petition on their knees with their hands together, and then the staff member leading it reads a chapter out of the "good book" and then they are done. it's very routine and formal and many of the kids can't make it through without falling asleep. part of what we are doing here is teaching creative ways to lead service in order to engage the children b/c there is no interaction at all. in indian culture, people don't think for themselves. the one in charge tells you what you think and that is that. they don't do discussion b/c they learn from hearing and then memorize it and then they are done. there is also a problem of intimacy between these indian individuals and the alpha and omega. we are beginning to break them up in small groups in order to disciple them and teach them how they can lift each other's needs to him. in the morning also, we are starting to teach english. they can read it very well, but do not understand the meaning of the words. they cannot hear our english very well b/c the pronunciation is COMPLETELY different. that has made it hard on both sides, but they have never had an actual U.S. citizen to talk to. they also are very afraid to speak it b/c in their culture, they are told "if you can't speak it correctly, don't say anything at all." getting their cooperation has been frustrating and challenging. we are going to begin tutoring the children during their study time in the evening as well, hoping to help them improve their english too. then at 8:30 pm, we will go to the service to watch the staff lead a more engaging study that we helped them prepare during the afternoon. we're here to help them help themselves, not to come in and change everything. i came with very high hopes and i hope not to disappoint anyone at home when i say that i am not sure we will accomplish everything we planned. but the One knows what our real purpose here is and so we're being flexible according to His leading. change is very hard for the people here when they have had generations and generations of tradition, but if we walk away having only taught the staff how to be intimate with one another, sharing petitions and concerns with one another, and ultimately with Him, that will be a huge help. we're hoping to start something that they will carry on after we are gone and eventually that they will teach the children.

so many things have broken my heart since i've been gone though...we drove through the villages and seeing temples and pictures of various idols everywhere was hard. in fact, there is a light up idol in the booth i am sitting in this very second. it permeates indian life. when i saw the old woman walking completely bent over in the dirt road, my heart broke. when i saw people wearing no shoes, carrying water on their heads (which i am sure was completely unsafe) to their shacks, my heart broke. when i see the children in the same outfit every other day, my heart breaks. when i watch their faces as i go to hang my own 5 clothing items on the line after laundry, my heart breaks b/c i know it is more than they have ever possessed at one time. when i see a child show up to the orphanage when only a plastic sack half full of everything they own in the world, my heart hurts. when i watched a grandmother raise a stick to beat her grandchild, my heart broke. i know it is only the beginning of a long road where He will show me the plight of His lost and destitute people and to be honest, i am burdened at the thought of knowing i don't even have a clue yet. please be praying for the openness of the indian people and for our interactions together. please be praying for the financial needs of the home-- the cost of living has gotten so much more expensive and it is hard to feed all the children all the time. please be praying that despite our frustrations and fears, He would provide us with confidence and understanding of these people. we feel so inadequate and b/c the need is so great, it often overwhelms us. still, we know He goes before us and He will lead, if only we listen closely. i am great, i really am, and at this very moment i do not desire to be anywhere else.

5 weeks, friends. in 5 short weeks i will be heading home. thank you for your thoughts and petitions on our behalf. i know it gives us hope when we feel like we've hit a dead end. until next week, know that i am remembering you all by name and wishing you well. for those of you who read this, please relay my messages to my parents and grandparents and anyone else you feel won't see it. i love you all and will write again soon.

Countdown: 7 Days

2008-05-27T21:46:00.000-04:00

So much has happened these last few weeks and I don't even know how to begin to communicate it all. I feel like I say that so often, but it is incredibly true.

I'll begin by saying that God has amazed me with the responses of other believers to my trip. When I am having an incredibly difficult and trying time in the restaurant during work and I am praying, begging God to help me, He brings me tables of Christians and other people that ask me what I'm doing with my summer, etc. It opens the door to talking about India and I have been nothing short of encouraged by the interest in God's work there by complete strangers and loved ones alike. It is more than I ever could have asked for. Ever. And more often than not, sacred moments of sharing India with people help me get through my nights. After small group last week, I stopped by Monte's insurance office to pick up a support check in the morning. I won't share b/c they wouldn't want me to, but they helped provide for my trip abundantly more than I could have ever asked for also. My eyes immediately filled with tears-- there is no way in the world I deserve such generosity-- and I said, "I don't deserve this." He gave me a look to which I quickly replied, "but God does." I am fairly sure his eyes filled with tears as well as he said, "That's right. And we are glad to be able to do it. You will be such a blessing to those children." I couldn't do much more than say thanks-- words were escaping me at the moment and well, I was choked up. I had a similar moment with Susan's mom in her driveway last week. She explained to me that although she may not be able to go right now, she has the means to send. And although I may not have the means to send myself, I am able to go. She said, "We are a team," and for the first time, I realized her words were true. When people have contacted me to donate to this ministry, I feel embarrassed and unworthy and a bit like a charity case. (Forgive me-- it is a result of years of learned behavior regarding this area of my life.) I mean, I am thankful beyond words, but I have never been a gracious receiver. Understanding that the money is God's money and not mine helps me handle that. Through my moments with Kathy and with Monte, I have seen the Body of Christ in a tangible way. I have seen their joy in giving and the confidence and trust they are putting in little ol' piddly me to be faithful to the ministry and to their contribution by being wholly committed to India. Wow. What a challenge, but also what a privilege.

The spiritual attack has not lessened at all in fact and this weekend Satan caught me at my worst. I failed-- pretty miserably actually-- and even was at a place where I thought I should call Liz, tell her I was completely unqualified, and that I could not travel to India. Of course, that was blowing what happened a teensy bit out of proportion, but after God has shown me so much, grown me in amazing ways, and surrounded me with so much support, how in the world could I even contemplated screwing up?! It was like throwing all His hard work in me back in His face. I let Satan beat me with the guilt Saturday night and early on into Sunday, but suprisingly, through God's plan and not my own I am sure, I didn't actually end up attending Horizon like normal. I went, they had a combined service at 10 am, I was clearly late, so I ended up driving to the Crux on 96th St. God knew I needed to hear that message that morning. At one point the pastor said, "God always desires a relationship with us. Even if we're Christians and have screwed up and feel like our sin is too big for Him to handle, He still wants a relationship with us, even if it is a restored relationship." It was interesting to hear him say that and my heart lurched when he did b/c I had been praying very shortly before that that God would restore the dark parts of my heart I begrudgingly yield to Him. I felt like God said to me that morning, "Stace, I love you and I want to extend my forgiveness to you." What sweet words from my Savior they were to me.

On another not, I started work at the doctor's office today-- BORING. I felt like snoring like my patients on the table, but that might have been slightly inappropriate. haha. I'm going to stick it out for two more days, but I am not convinced that I will go back after I return from India. It just makes me feel suffocated to do so. *Sigh. Anyway, I should head to bed...5:30 am rolls around quickly...

2008-05-23T01:17:00.001-04:00

I also wanted to share some lyrics from a song Suzanne introduced to me tonight that really touched me heart. It's by Caedmon's Call and is entitled "Mother India."

Father God, You have shed Your tears for Mother India
They have fallen to water ancient seeds
That will grow into hands to touch the untouchable How blessed are the poor, the sick, the weak
Father, forgive me, for I have not believed
Like Mother India, I have groaned and grieved
Father, forgive me, I forgot Your grace
Your Spirit falls on India and captures me in Your embrace
The serpent spoke and the world believed its venom
Now we're ten to a room or compared with magazines There's a land where our shackles turn to diamonds
Where we trade in our rags for a royal crown
In that place, our oppressors hold no power
And the doors of the King are thrown wide.

Here is a link to a YouTube video set to this song.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gRlynYaRAO4

2008-05-23T00:46:00.000-04:00

Lord,

I am overwhelmed with your goodness tonight. I asked this morning that you would place an ever appreciative heart in me, that I would never ever forget what you have rescued me from or the incredible sacrifice you made. You were so faithful to that prayer today...

Thank you for your love for me. Thank you that you provide and that you bring encouragement and blessings in the moments I need them most. Thank you for preparing a way for me and for surrounding me with people that love you first. Thank you, Father, that you go to battle for me every single moment and that when I am weakest, your power is made perfect. Thank you that you choose to take a messy, broken vessel like me and use it to glorify you. Thank you that you call the brokenhearted to freedom and redemption. Thank you for granting words of wisdom and boldness in sticky life situations. Thank you for being bigger than every single one of those situations. Thank you for fellow believers and for the body of Christ and for opening my eyes to the incredible "team" and network that people have in common when they follow you. Thank you for your power and thank you for the victory. Thank you for sending Jesus not only so that I could have eternal life, but also so that I now have a life by which to measure my own-- thank you for sending him as the perfect example of a life lived in total submission to you.

God, I ask right now that you would continue preparing my heart as well as the hearts of Jess and Elizabeth to do your ministry in India. I pray that you would continue to go before us and prepare the hearts of the people we will be interacting with and that in some small way, our lives may point them to you. Continue to speak in HUGE ways and provide vision for the work that you have planned there and Lord, may the attacks of Satan prove futile. I ask for eyes and ears to see individual needs of people and then the enablement to help meet those needs. I pray for hearts that break at the plight of your people and an eternal perspective that takes us far outside ourselves. It is my prayer that we never become proud or haughty, but that we would continually be humbled at your feet and focused on you. Lord, I ask that you continue to bind our hearts together as one in your love. And Father, I ask that you would grant us a sensitivity to your Spirit, that we may be able to grow in knowledge and discernment and continually be molded into the women that you desire us to be. This ministry is yours...you get all the glory for it and I am just so thankful to be a part of it. Protect us as we go about our days tomorrow and may we be in constant fellowship with you.

I also pray for those that are supporting the ministry both through prayer and monetary means. Bless them abundantly, Lord, and may India stretch and grow them as well. I pray it would continue to touch lives and have a much wider scope and eternal impact than I could ever fathom.

You are an amazing God and I praise and thank you now. May you always be glorified. I love you.

2008-05-21T00:19:00.001-04:00

let's just say that tonight both at work and after was a blessing. thanks for the prayers-- they are making all the difference. it never ceases to amaze me how God meets me where i am and provides for my every need. He brought people into the restaurant tonight that encouraged me and shared words with me that blessed me. for that i am thankful, especially when the last few weeks there have been such a struggle. God goes before me every single day and i rest in that promise tonight.

after work i was able to chat with a good friend of mine. so so so so thankful for him in my life, even if he's hundreds of miles away.

planning on meeting susan tomorrow on my DAY OFF! and walking the monon together. hopefully it's sunny. i'll put in a request to the Big Guy. afterwards, i'm actually headed back into the restaurant, but as a guest instead. dina, kate, and i will be eating heavy italian food after their shopping trip. can't wait. ha!

continuing to seek Truth...

2008-05-18T12:13:00.000-04:00

In 15 days I will sitting in coach on a huge airplane awaiting take-off and embarking on a 22.5 hr. flight. One might say I am appropriately freaking out at this point. Not only do I hate flying, but it's just so hard to imagine that what I have been praying about since August is actually coming to pass. There has been a slight hold-up with my visa recently, but I am hoping to fax the appropriate documents today and have it all straightened out. India, visas, traveling solo (without the 'rents), 6 weeks halfway around the world-- I feel so grown up. There are many things to see to before I head off as well and I just don't know how it will all get done...A crazy work schedule isn't leaving me a whole lot of time to do much else. I am planning on taking off the last few days before I leave to tie up any loose ends.

I stayed at IWU Thursday night with Liz, Jess, Emily, and Shauna and had such a great time. I originally went b/c Liz, Jess, and I needed to meet concerning our trip. As a result of that meeting, I now have 12 devotions and 1 sermon to prepare and a whole lot of praying to do. Liz shared that she believes the three of us are going b/c we all have a specific duty to do while there. Although we will all be interacting with the staff and the children, she has felt like the Spirit has laid on her heart some areas that we should each focus on. As she was talking, I felt a lump form in my throat and tears well up in my eyes b/c it amazes me how the Holy Spirit can speak to people that are listening. Without wanting to put constraints on us, she shared that she thought Jess would mainly be focusing on little children while she would be pouring into the staff. She felt as if my gifts could best be used with the adolescent girls which is interesting b/c that is exactly the age group God has given me a heart for. I am praying now that God would show me more clearly what He desires that ministry to look like. I think I have always had a heart for adolescent girls b/c when I was that age, I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. I know that my struggles here in the U.S. (eating disorder, depression, overachieving for validation, etc.) are different than the struggles these girls have within their society, but the message is the same: no matter what you are going through, God is faithful and He loves you and promises to stand by your side. That message alone is such a vital one to communicate. I am thrilled that God has shown Liz something He gave me a heart for long ago. Young girls are valuable and they have so much to offer our world. Hopefully in some small way, they can feel empowered by that knowledge.

If you're reading this, please also be praying against spiritual attack. Satan has been using his best tactics on me lately and some days, I hate to admit, I give up the fight. Work has been especially hard this summer and I have only been there 2 weeks! My old friends are gone, new coworkers have arrived, and I have to re-establish my identity with these new people. It's hard to be a good example always and I feel like more this summer than last that my appearance and singleness is hindering that example. For anyone that knows me, I have struggled with seeking validation from men from the time I was in middle school. I always wanted to be with the guy that every other girl wanted to prove that I was indeed worth something. And even when I was with that guy, I still wanted to be wanted by all the others. In the least arrogant way I can say it, that worked for me for a number of years. For the past three years at college however, God has been purging me of that need in my life, revealing to me that He alone counts me worthy and I don't need men telling me I'm beautiful to feel great about myself. How do I know this? Well, for these three years, I can count on one finger the number of boys that have complimented my appearance-- and that was during our brief dating stint. It has been good for me, but very hard at times too, wondering if anyone in the whole world thinks I'm attractive anymore. Ha. Sounds silly, right? Coming back to work though, Satan has grabbed ahold of an area of my life that hinders my walk with Christ. He has brought men that are not afraid to tell me what they think of me or ask me out. Just yesterday, I was asked out 3 times in 10 minutes. I'm not kidding either. The standard is completely different for men that don't follow Christ. One gentleman in particular has been especially vocal. I know he is a womanizer, he told me so himself, but there is something still so appealing about him. And even though his words toward me are completely disrespectful and probably vulgar, it's flattering and makes me feel desirable. I don't have feelings for him in the slightest-- we don't share anything emotionally or spiritually in common, but I would be lying if I said there was not a physical attraction there. I hate it really and I want it to go away. I feel pathetic saying that the affections of men make me feel like a woman and confident in that femininity. I am praying for FREEDOM from this and ask that you be praying for it as well. Right now I do not desire that anything would get in the way or distract my trip to India. Please pray for boldness, perseverance, and focus until I can literally escape this in 15 days. Eventually I will have to overcome the underlying issue, but for now I simply want to flee.

Thanks for sticking with me through this and for sharing in my struggles with me. A lot more has been going on lately that I hope to journal about soon, but clearly this is lengthy so until then, stay faithful. God is good.

getting excited... :)

2008-05-06T03:43:00.000-04:00

whew. these last few days have been a WHIRLWIND. a really good one, but still a whirlwind. my boss messed up my schedule, so i didn't start work until this morning (a day i told her i could not work, mind you). a lot of good came out of the 5-day delay though...mom and i drove to north carolina wednesday to surprise jules! she totally freaked out and cried when she saw us-- it was worth the 13 hours cooped up in the car with my mom (and the 13 hours back, i suppose). ha. we enjoyed our time. i met her class one morning, went shopping another day, went out to dinner and had dinner made for us by pete, went to watch jules coach softball, visited the airborne museum, etc etc etc. i'm so glad we went.

when i got back at 8:10 last night, i hurried to take the fastest shower of my life and then met ashley and kallie at pizza hut at 8:30. impressed? :) we chatted until 10:30ish and it was great. i love hearing how God is moving and causing others to grow. what a blessing.

because of my late night and exhaustion from being in the car all day, i decided to wait and pack all my things for my move to indy this morning--bad life decision. i had to be at work at 10 am, so when my alarm went off at 7:00 so i could be adequately prepared, it was not a good moment for me. i slept until 7:35. i was rushing around like a mad woman, but actually managed to get to work on time. i am glad to be back at maggiano's, although the vulgarity started early on. trey said, "welcome back, stace!" after some lewd comments were made. i did meet a fellow Christian today though-- the only one in the restaurant i believe. he's new...comes from muncie and has a wife and 8 kids he's trying to support. lost his job as a mortgage broker along with 3000 others at his bank and the market is just not good for him right now. still, we talked about how God wil provide. He always does.

i got let go early today and came back to the house to unload my things. i was here for a bit and then drove to pick up jess to go to our meeting in anderson about INDIA. i leave four weeks from tomorrow. holy cow. it was such a blessing to meet with tom and rhonda, steve and lynn, eric, liz, and jess, and i learned A LOT. mainly about things to be prepared for, watch out for, etc. but also about the indian culture a bit more. the children we will be ministering to are mostly Christian but come from families that have very strong hindu backgrounds. hope home is unique in that it is a Christian orphanage, but it serves destitute and non-Christian families. i discovered tonight that most orphanages in India are Christian but essentially are Christian boarding schools for children that come from 2-parent Christian homes. tom touched on the fact that the church should be taking care of its own, not an orphanage. he wanted hope home to be a place to reach the destitute and lost. what a great vision it has been. he also explained that in indian society, the children we are going to be loving are considered to be some of the "untouchables," the lowest caste in india. they come from generations of untouchables because in their country, no one tries to better their status in life because they see their caste placement as punishment for sins from a past life. they simply try to be good people within their life situation in hopes that in the next life, they will come back as part of a higher caste. in america, we believe that if you are born poor, there can be a way out-- pull yourselves up by your bootstraps essentially. there, there is no progress because their status is divinely appointed. the thought of that killed me tonight. they are "untouchable" because of their sin? that is so backward from what Jesus taught-- He came to save the lost. it is the sick that need a doctor, not the well, right? *sigh. as sad as that is, it only makes me more excited to love and show affection to children that might never have had it before in their life. they are worth something-- they have something to offer the world. it is my prayer now that God would give me eyes to see the needs of individuals and then the strength and enablement to help meet that need. i am ready to be broken for His people and i am ready to serve.

empty me, Lord, so that i can be Your vessel alone.

home.

2008-04-28T23:11:00.000-04:00

i've been home for two days now and it's good. i haven't exactly accomplished a whole lot in the way of unpacking, but there's time for that, right? :) i was able to spend some good time with dylan the night i got home (i dyed his hair and actually bleached my black dress in the process...whoops) and then went to church and hung around the house yesterday and today. watched a movie with my mom last night and then was able to meet kate's friend danielle and spend some time with them late last night. i slept in WAY too late today and then even napped after i got back from rollerblading in the rain. i have been so wiped out...i guess i'm finally just catching up from all the craziness at the end of the year.

there have been many surprises and blessings this last week concerning india. i went to my mailbox last thursday night after leaving the baseball game and found an anonymous card with $175 for my trip inside. i couldn't believe it! the card simply said, "God always provides." i am humbled and amazed and completely overwhelmed by such generosity. i wish i knew who sent it so that i could properly thank them, but my guess is that they know me too well and understand that along with my appreciation sometimes comes feelings of guilt over "inconveniencing" someone and accepting such an extravagant donation. also, i received a wonderful letter from friends of the family that served as an encourgement to stay faithful-- it also had a check enclosed. someone i admire very much called my phone as i was driving home saturday evening as well. i missed the call, but received one of the most incredible voicemails, assuring me that this prayer warrior would add me to the list. she told me she loved me and was proud of me and i have no doubt that my life is covered in her prayers. when i went to church yesterday, a woman i also admire spoke with me and then wrote me a check for $150 for my trip, abundantly more than i could have ever asked for. as i have thanked God over and over for His provision both monetarily and prayerfully though, i have tried to let go of any false feelings and simply say thank you for laying it on someone's heart to support the ministry. the more i pray about india and see God move, the more i realize that i have nothing to do with any of it. He gets all the glory. it is my continual prayer that india touches more hearts and reaches more lives than my own mind can fathom. i'll be leaving before i know it and hope that upon my return, i can adequately express my gratitude to each and every individual that was a part of it.

this last week also included a lot of heartache. i am normally so excited to get home, to spend time with my family, and enjoy time away from class. this year, it was different. the tears started on thursday and never really stopped. i realized that many of my graduating friends would be moving far away, but that i would see them at various weddings this summer-- that brought comfort. still, recognizing the mark they left on my life left me feeling empty at the thought of their departure. like i've said before, i just want to bottle them all up and carry them around forever. unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. there was one particular individual i was dreading saying goodbye to however. actually, i think i may blame the week's tears on him. he sort of came out of nowhere in my life, a fast friend that i will genuninely miss. whether i will ever see him again is questionable and after our goodbye, i cried most of the way home. for the first time at indiana wesleyan, i met a boy that made me feel valued and that fulfilled male friendship needs. that sounds hokey, but after having such great guy friends here at home, i desired the same at school and never really felt as if i had a consistent one that appreciated me for me. i am proud of him, proud of the man God has created him to be, and proud of his accomplishments and the places i know God will take him in life. he makes me believe in goodness of men again, something i wasn't sure i would ever get to say. i am thankful for him for so many reasons and will forever be grateful that God allowed our paths to cross. i'm only hoping that one day they will cross again. until then, he shall remain in my prayers.

finished.

2008-04-23T05:10:00.000-04:00

well, i can't believe it. i am officially done with all my finals and my junior year of college. the time just keeps flying by and on nights like tonight, i wonder where in the world it all went. it was such a great feeling to finish up, but right now the thoughts of being a senior and missing all my graduating friends next year is leaving a bittersweet taste in my mouth...still, i was able to enjoy the BEAUTIFUL day. did some reading on a blanket outside with my friends, played sand volleyball, took a short nap, watched a movie, etc. i'm enjoying my free time.

on another note, meredith passed this morning. last night i was crying to susan about it actually, asking her why in the world my heart is breaking over this situation. meredith and i never even met! yet discovering that she went to be with her Savior this morning sent me over to the prayer chapel for the first time this year to just cry it out at the feet of my Jesus. i can't explain why i felt a connection to her or her life. maybe it was because she was so close to my age or maybe it was because i prayed and fasted for her all day saturday. maybe it was that she would never realize many of the hopes and dreams that she and many others had for her life or maybe it was simply because when i grow up, i want to live my life with such adandon, grace, and dignity. meredith was filled with Jesus to overflowing. that is my desire...i continue to lift her husband and family to the Lord in prayer and also my cousin lindsay as she is dealing with the death of one of her good friends. today was a day to celebrate concerning the existence of meredith, but i cannot deny the deep ache i know many will now have due to her earthly absence. she is rejoicing and complete and most likely basking in the glory and words of the Almighty God: "well done, my good and faithful servant."

may the things that cause your heart to break also break mine, Father.

living for the weekend!

2008-04-21T00:15:00.000-04:00

what a great weekend it has been. it's a little crazy because it's 9 pm on sunday and i have yet to study for my finals, but it was a blessing nonetheless. friday afternoon my friend kristen came to visit and brought her baby corban. we went on a walk, caught up a tad, and then parted so she could go visit with others and so i could go on to the lodge cookout. she met back up with me before she left and actually ended up staying the night. i hadn't had the chance to talk to her let alone see her in so long and i truly had forgotten just how much i love having her a part of my life. i didn't get any studying done, but oh well. i certainly won't remember this exam in a couple years anyway...

saturday i had my final exam review for 3 hours and then kallie and andrew showed up! they went and had dinner and i sat and talked with them and we had a great discussion about heaven and end times and just all sorts of uplifting things. i can't wait to go to heaven someday-- talking about it got me seriously excited. after dinner with them we came back to the lodge and chatted for a while until they left and susan's entire family showed up. i was finally able to meet them all which was nice because i feel like i've known them forever based upon the things susan tells me. they eventually left so i did rounds and watched a movie with kent and susan. at 1:45, jessica frasso called me to let her in the lodge...we talked until after 3. hahaha. it was so great to catch up with her and have her share her life with me. i feel so honored that people let me in the way they do and i went to bed encouraged last night.

i spent most of today south of indy going to a scholarship interview in franklin, in. hopefully that went well-- i should hear back in about a week or so. i feel like i conveyed my heart well and represented Christ, not that they were looking for me to be a Christian or anything, but it is who i am. if nothing else, i hope something i said to them about the way i live my life was an encouragement or a witness. when someone asks you what you're going to do with your life or why you chose nursing or IWU, how can God not be a part of that? He is the reason i live. He is the reason i make the decisions i do. the two are really inseparable. we even talked about india in my interview and my heart for missions and the desire to use my nursing in that capacity-- very cool.

i was tearful driving south today however. lindsay's friend meredith, a woman i have been hearing about for months, is not doing well. she is losing the battle against the cancer that is raging within her entire body. i periodically check her caringbridge website, saw that yesterday was a designated fast and pray-for-meredith's-miracle day, and immediately wanted to be a part of it. after all, what is the body of Christ about if it's not lifting one another in prayer and encouraging one another, even if you've never met? when you share the most important aspect of your life together, it really doesn't matter if i've never even seen her face. well, i committed to praying and fasting yesterday and expected a miracle as i joined believers all over the world on her behalf. i was worried because others signing her guestbook would say things like, "well, your life is a miracle, even if you don't get healed." that's true, but it frustrated me! people were giving up the fight, the hope, before they even knew what the result would be. it's a protective mechanism to not want, to just expect the worse, but when i went to bed last night i really believed that i would wake up this morning and get an update that she had been healed. God doesn't do BIG things in our lives so often because we don't ask! i wanted these people to ask! i petitioned God: save her! heal her! free her from this illness and may you receive all the glory! my tiny mustard seed of faith was all in yesterday...and when i woke up this morning, nothing had changed. it hurt. i cried. it's not that i have lost faith in God-- i know He can do it, it's just a matter of wondering why He won't, especially when i believed it so hard. meredith is someone i want to ask God about when i get to heaven someday. why, God? i've never met her, but when she passes, it will hurt my heart as well.

“now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. glory to Him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! amen." -eph. 3:20

weekend at home...

2008-04-17T04:32:00.000-04:00

God is amazing in so many ways and for so many reasons. as hard as last week was for me, i knew He was there in the midst. after my tearful post thursday night, i was able to drive home friday and had some really blessed time with my family.

i met kate at wal-mart that evening and we did the grocery shopping for suzi's shower and then ran some errands and made food until 1 am. ashtin stopped by and i was thankful for that. i just love that girl and the extra help was great. the next morning was a bit hectic, but the shower went off without a hitch and i think that suzi genuinely enjoyed it. after i was done with shower things for the day (5:15 pm), i made my way over to shane and alyssa's and then went on to grandma powell's after that. i meant to stay for only an hour or two, but was there until 11:30 that night! we talked about a lot of different things, but it was mainly good to talk about grandpa. i miss him-- i really, really do. we cried together for an hour and a half and fondly recalled last times together. i wish he was here now so that i could tell him about india and about what God is showing me. because he verbalized his acceptance of Christ so late in life, we never got to discuss that commonality. i think it would have changed our relationship a lot. it's 1 am right now, so april 17th has made it's way here. one year ago today he went to be with Jesus. i praise God for that. it's been the best year of grandpa's existence, but it doesn't keep me from crying either. grandma is doing okay...she is one incredible woman and i admire her strength. her love for Jesus encourages me and that's exactly the way i felt when i left her house that night. i missed an opportunity to spend time with friends that night, but God knew grandma needed me and i needed her.

sunday i went and visited mamaw and papaw rice before i headed out of town to go to another one of suzi's bridal showers in indy. while papaw was outside checking my car battery, grandma said, "stace, has your mom told you what i'm going to do?" i shook my head no and then she proceeded to tell me that she wants to be a major contributor to my trip. i bawled (surprise!) and felt so humbled. when i went to discuss the Lord with them and talked about india two months ago, they didn't understand why i felt it was necessary to go halfway around the world. they didn't understand my needing to follow Christ's lead. they accepted Christ the next morning and in the last two months i have seen changes in them-- positive ones. it is amazing to me how God can transform a heart of confusion to a heart of support and desire to help provide. i am excited! i am thankful and so humbled, but also so excited to see how God will be faithful to the contribution they are making. God has blessed me so.

annnnnnd, another blessing made it's way to my mailbox yesterday-- a scholarship and financial aid that i was not anticipating! now, even though i'm gone for 6 weeks this summer, the money that i would normally be making to pay my bill has essentially been covered. i serve an amazing God. i don't know how anyone could look at that situation and not see how God has perfectly orchestrated this opportunity. *sigh. it just makes me so happy.

granted, there is still some more of my bill to be covered. i am traveling down south to franklin, in, this weekend for a scholarship interview, so if you're reading this, pray it goes well! i just want to share my heart and convey my strengths without appearing fake. i hate fake.

in other news, i have to learn how to eat without utensils and with my right hand while in india. that thrills me. ha. i should really start practicing, but it's so hard! no waving, no touching, no eating, no nothing with my left hand! it's unclean! hahaha. my whole life and i never even knew it...shoot. alright, well i think that's about it for now so it's time for bed. drowsiness is overtaking me... :) i'll be sleeping tight and remembering india in my prayers.

i'm forgetful.

2008-04-11T00:56:00.000-04:00

i also failed to mention that sunday evening i traveled to anderson with jess to meet liz and her dad. we spoke about india in front of a crowd of 30-40 and the american board of directors of the orphanage. the reception we received was more than i could have hoped for. immediately upon our arrival, a gentleman said, "so these are the two going with you, elizabeth? nice to meet you, girls. i have been praying for you for over 6 months." before i had a name or face, multiple people were praying for me. when i was up in front of them sharing my heart, that thought got me choked up. what a humbling experience...God ordained this trip in heaven long ago. He knew before anyone even thought to consider my existence that i would spend 6 weeks halfway around the world summer of 2008. he chose me and has made the way. i praise Jehovah-Jirah, the God that provides.

whelmed.

2008-04-11T00:35:00.000-04:00

*sigh. it has been quite the day today...i'm exhausted and was just going to climb in bed, but i have so many things running through my head that i just need to get off my chest. the only question is: where do i start?

i'll start with the fact that i realize i'm being spiritually attacked. jesus is doing very real and very big things in my life right now-- satan doesn't like that much. i was telling my friend katie earlier this week (we met for coffee at payne's. she is lovely.) that i feel as if i'm moving out of the "baby" christian phase. i was in it for so long and felt like i just kept struggling with the same issues over and over and over again, but lately god has been maturing me. even when it comes to simple things like praying in front of people-- i now trust god for the words instead. crazy idea, huh? that that might actually calm my nerves and make me feel confident? i've come to the end of myself.

i haven't been sleeping much this week. i thought that it was going to be a fairly easy week with plenty of free time to accomplish lots. unfortunately life things have gotten in the way and i am currently fighting off this blasted headache i've had for almost three days. BUT, i mailed my india letters this morning. praise jesus! i prayed over them before i sent them off, trusting that god's message would be received well and that if nothing else, that letter might minister to someone. postage was a bit steep, but you can't put a price on prayer. i'm hoping people call to talk with me about it-- i just have so much in my heart that i want to shout from the rooftops! i also made some significant ground concerning suzi's shower this week, although long phone conversations to coordinate, etc. have kept me from making ground on my schoolwork. it just has not been a good time trying to wrap up my semester and plan this shindig for 40 people. i love suzi and i am honored to be a part of it, but i will be glad when she's hitched and off on a honeymoon... :)

counseling this week was rough. it has been rough lately. scott actually apologized to me when i was leaving tuesday afternoon. "stace, i know this has not been fun and for that i am sorry, but i commend your courage in wanting to seek truth and live in freedom." sometimes i don't want to be so brave. every time i feel like i'm making progress, more junk is uprooted. this week: my need to play the role of the martyr to prove my godliness. he challenged me to redefine my definition of christ's love-- jesus apparently was not a doormat and i'm not emulating him when i take on that role. ouch. being an enabler for my friends is not loving them well. jesus was confrontational and radical. i guess that means i need to reevaluate relationships in my life. yay.

hmm...what else? chapel wednesday was incredible. leena molchandani spoke about her experiences living in nigeria amongst an entire indian family that practices hinduism. hearing her speak about her parents and india and the culture broke my heart. she was 11 when she accepted christ. she snuck her bible in her house, stayed up after everyone else went to bed at night, and for 9 years read her bible under her blankets with a flashlight. at age 11, she was burdened to pray for 76 of her family members, all hindus. for 9 years she faithfully prayed for them. her sister finally came around and it seems that her father is getting there...he asked her to attend church with him over christmas break. when they drove her to the airport to fly back to the states, he asked her to pray for their family. for the first time in her life, her family held hands and acknowledged the presence of christ in prayer. she challenged us as students not to take for granted the things we so often complain about: church, chapel, the ability to read our bible. those are the things she cherishes most. what a testimony.

new testament class tonight was also amazing. we finished up our lecture for the semester. next week is the final and i can genuinely say that i am going to miss that class. we discussed revelation tonight and it stirred my heart for jesus and his coming. at the end of chapter 22, john writes an aramaic word: maranatha. it is literally translated "come, lord jesus." i try to imagine what it will be like watching him return in all his glory and it overwhelms me. tonight i would not have cared if jesus decided to come and take me home. in fact, would have loved it. i don't desire to end my life, but sometimes i'm tired of fighting. i'm ready to be complete, the way god intended from the beginning. why so ready? well, let's count things currently going "wrong": counseling=terrible pain, no sleep=terrible headaches, my bike was stolen today, my car battery was dead today (campus police came and jumped it, i went and drove it 20 miles, turned it off and it wouldn't start again--i'll be calling again in the morning), it's raining for the 50 billionth day in a row, my professor hasn't returned my paper so i'm having a hard time doing the poster that's due monday (and i'm going to have TONS of time this weekend to accomplish it), one particular friend still has not forgiven me for our housing mishap (she's passive aggressive and won't discuss it, but also won't look me in the eye), i'm having a heck of a time with class scheduling for next year, the fibro has caused me a lot of pain recently-- getting out of bed in the morning has been a struggle, my friends are graduating and moving far away in two weeks, and today would have been grandpa's birthday. maybe that's the real reason i'm having such a hard time-- i don't know. as i was standing in chapel yesterday, envisioning grandpa in heaven, it made me want to join. i miss him and i would never ask him to come back to this place, but i'm jealous.

until then, however, there is much work to be done. i sound defeated right now, but i promise i am in the battle. if god and i weren't giving up a good fight, satan wouldn't be trying so hard to keep me down. i choose joy.

2008-04-02T23:47:00.001-04:00

well, today was completely unproductive...ha. i could have at least looked up all the addresses for my prayer support letters or something. geesh. i am a sad excuse for a college student.

instead of preparing for my day in the OR tomorrow (i get to watch a total knee replacement at 10 am!), i'm looking up the weather in india. june 3rd cannot come quickly enough in my mind. but it's 91 degrees there right now with a humidity of 74%. i just hope that no one plans on seeing any remotely attractive pictures of me when i return. make-up and doing my hair will most likely be futile. you can bet that i'll be brown as a bear when i return though... :)

2008-04-02T00:24:00.000-04:00

it's late and i should be sleeping, but instead i've been sitting here staring at my computer screen eating fruit loops. ha. i just can't seem to shut the mind off lately...

i'll blame the distraction on india mostly. i leave two months from now and i feel completely unprepared. i suppose being so far out of my comfort zone is a blessing though--it means i have to rely upon my Lord. liz, jess, and i meet every monday evening to talk and pray about our trip and i have really enjoyed our time together. last night we started talking about the incredibly hot weather (it's 90 degrees there now and june/july is their hottest season!), the massive bugs we will encounter, our 24 hours of travel there and then home again, the food we'll be eating, etc. etc. etc. basically we laid every fear out on the table and discussed it. we laughed and screamed (mostly about the bugs). i shared with them though something that God has been challenging me with lately. despite conditions that are not ideal, i am to have joy. i want to have a glad heart full of perseverance and gratitude, not one full of complaint. satan will use complaining in our lives to get our eyes off of Christ and so i've decided that from here on out, i will not let him use it in my life. did anyone ever hear paul complain while he was in prison? nope. he was still doing the Lord's will and with a smile on his face (i imagine). i desire to follow that example. through Christ in me and His strength, i am going to attempt to keep the grumbling to a minimum while we're gone. i am refusing to allow bugs, hot weather, and terrible jet lag steal my joy! :)
this is a picture of one of the girls from the orphanage (stolen from liz). seeing her keeps things in perspective.

three beautiful things...
1. staff covenant at payne's. i love those people.
2. playing guess who? with gabe today-- it brought back so many childhood vanity theater memories!
3. surprising my unit with treat bags today! it was a blast to make them!

2008-03-29T21:01:00.000-04:00

what a great day today...i amaze myself sometimes at how easily entertained i am. ha. i got good sleep last night (thanks to my muscle relaxer! the fibro has been acting up lately...) and was so productive! i hung around in my pj's until 3:15 this afternoon, finally showered, and then headed off to the student center to study with tiff. i finished all three of my papers today!!! YAY! that means i only have to study for my med/surg test tomorrow. i could not be more thrilled! spending time with her was maybe not as productive as it could have been, but i just love the time we have together. tiff might be one of the most amazing people i have ever met and i am so fortunate to call her my friend. it only makes me sad that we don't see each other as much as i would like. i'm impressed by her maturity, insight, modesty, and love for Jesus. i learn so much from that girl and hope to forever call her my friend.
after my last post on thursday night, i did a bit of reading (sex god by rob bell--good read) and went to bed. i was so encouraged and joyful as i fell asleep, but possibly had one of the worst nights of sleep in a long time. i experienced terrible dreams, was never able to fall into a deep sleep, and woke up feeling completely discouraged. i am not entirely sure it's possible for satan to send someone dreams, but the ones i was having left me feeling spiritually attacked. i hopped out of bed and immediately went to turn on some third day worship music...i just needed to be surrounded by Jesus. i blared it in my bedroom at 8 am (i'm sure my suitemates love me!) and then in the bathroom as i showered and got ready that morning. i was able to shake it eventually, but was really glad that God allowed me to recognize the attack and then delivered me from it as i prayed. i very likely could have spent the whole day in a funk and moody just because of some horrible dreams. i just kept saying, "i am more than a conqueror, i am more than a conqueror..." and made satan get behind me. there is certainly power in the name of Christ! :)

well, now i'm on-duty and off to watch enchanted with bethany and tiff...just wanted to give a quick update!

three beautiful things:
-catching up with friends!
-being productive!
-sleeping in!

thankful.

2008-03-27T23:46:00.001-04:00

goodness, i am thankful. i serve one amazing God and He loves me. it is not as if something miraculous has happened or that i'm on a mountaintop...i'm just realizing more and more everyday how much credit i cannot take for the place He has brought me to. i am lost. i wander a lot. i am broken and messy and ugly from the inside out. but He loves me and He called me and justified me and provides for my every need. because of that, i have joy. i am humbled as i stare into His magnificence.

we celebrated easter this past weekend-- i traveled home to speak at church about india. wow. i was nervous, but kept praying philippians 4 in my head over and over and over again. the response was more than i could have imagined. i don't have anyone knocking on my door offering to fund my trip or people knocking me down to hear all about it, but that wasn't the point in speaking. when i returned to school some said, "so financially?" i have $10 from a latino man at church that i've never seen (which brought me to tears) to go toward the $2750 it will cost. other than that, i'm at a loss. but i am resting in His presence and am simply thankful that He led me to share so that i know this trip is covered in prayer. it's a victory for me that i can honestly say i'm at a point in my life where the prayer is more important to me. it's a victory that i can say i have been freed from the fears and doubts that not having the money created. God is big and sovereign and $2750 is nothing to Him. i'm just so thankful that i have a peace about the ministry He has laid upon my heart and that in that peace there is knowledge that He will bless it and open my eyes to see His Kingdom here on earth.

i'm holding on...

2008-03-13T16:53:00.000-04:00

I feel broken today. I felt broken yesterday. In fact, I've felt broken this whole stinking week. Housing brings out the ugliest in people. We'll leave it at that. But now that I've done the damage, I've dealt the blows, I've unnecessarily taken responsibility for things that I cannot control, it's over. I may have severed a few friendships along the way...In fact, I'm fairly sure I did, but time heals all wounds. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling guilty all the time and I'm tired of letting that guilt run my life. I lost my way for a while, but I had not forgotten my way back home. I'm simply getting there now.

three beautiful things:
1. sunshine
2. flip-flops
3. 81-year old Latino women :)

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

today was hard...and beautiful.

2008-03-12T00:41:00.000-04:00

i'm finally figuring out what i want in life. er, i guess it's more that i'm learning to be true to myself and am attempting to stop making decisions based upon what everyone else wants for me. today i had to put it in practice and to be honest, it wasn't a whole lot of fun. i was emotional all day long. it's 12:45 am, i'm still thinking about it, fighting feelings of false guilt, and have to begin studying for my med/surg. test that i have at 10 am. fun fun fun. other things were just more important today. obviously. i can elaborate more later, but i feel at peace with my life right now. i have some really difficult conversations and decisions coming up in the next few weeks, but my God has given me strength thus far. He shall continue...

three beautiful things:
1. learning how to be confrontational
2. seeking Truth
3. having an amazing roommate that i can be totally and utterly, shockingly and terrifyingly honest with. susan is one amazing chica.

what a looooong day.

2008-01-18T00:32:00.000-05:00

Today has seemingly been going on forever...I was up early to go to lab and it's going to prove to be a late night. An exam and a quiz tomorrow and lovely VCE's...argh. I'm thrilled. Ha. Still, I'm joyful. I'm pretty sure not a whole lot could ruin my mood right now. Even though I am at a precipice and have no clue what life has in store, I am excited. I'm looking in the face of opposition and screaming, "Bring it on!" :) It's a good feeling.

Three beautiful things of the day:
1. Lab this morning-- I learned lots of good new nursing skills! I'm totally out of my league and this semester is going to make a fool of me, but I'm looking forward to the experience, even if I feel stupid sometimes.
2. A phone conversation with my mom about India. What a blessing...
3. My new favorite song, "Carried to the Table" by Leeland. I'll post lyrics down below. It has become my mantra lately...He has healed me and I no longer need to be ashamed--He hides my brokenness. I couldn't ask for anything better in life than Him.

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

oh, and three beautiful things...

2008-01-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

1. Kickboxing class every Wednesday= incredible.
2. A 7 out of 5 on my pathophysiology quiz-- I absolutely LOVE what I'm learning so that's even more beautiful than a good grade! :)
3. Catch up time with Katie at Taylor. That girl is one big blessing in my life.

So much for a habit, huh? :)

2008-01-16T21:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm gonna be honest...I forgot my password and username there for a while and well, nursing school was keeping me busy. It's going to be another hectic semester, but hopefully I'll be doing a much better job prioritizing--we'll keep our fingers crossed! :)

I wanted to start journaling again because I miss knowing what's going on in my life. I miss being able to recognize what God has brought me from (lots). I really wish I would have been keeping track of all the things God taught me this past semester because it was certainly a transformation. I started counseling in October and it was the absolute best decision I could ever have made for myself. God has started the healing process in my life and for that I am thankful. It was finally time to just let it all go and it was amazing the work God did in my life and in my relationships once I finally relinquished control. (Well, that's still a day-to-day thing, but it's getting much better.) I understand myself MUCH better and have the desire to continue to go...There are a few areas of my life where I have pent up a lot of shame--Scott says we're focusing on those this semester. I'm thrilled. Ha. It's almost enough to scare me out of returning. In fact, every night before I go the next day I tell my roommate I'm not going...After I walk out of the office the following morning, I am always thrilled I went. God is good.

Another reason I wanted to start writing again was to put down in words my thoughts about where God is taking me: India. It would be a six-week trip this summer, working in orphanages, and getting nursing experience. I never once thought that the trip would actually be approved by my professor and when I prayed about it I simply said to God, "If you open this door, I'm walking through it." So guess what? I'm now walking through it. I'm freaking out a bit...Thinking about the cost and thinking about the money I'll be losing while I'm not working, and thinking about not being able to get a nursing job this summer all really scares me. Today during chapel, however, I felt a distinct call upon my life to enter missions. It has been something that I have thought about for years, but I always wondered, "God, is this about me? Am I seeking my own glory? How do I know this desire comes from You?" Today, I felt Him speak to my heart and knew with confidence that this isn't about me anymore, if it ever was. I began to cry, simply desiring to be in India right this second with all those precious children that need me. God broke my heart for people I've never even met and confirmed to me that missions will be a part of my life after college. That's terrifying to be honest, but also exciting at the same time. I want to do and be something BIG for Him. I want to turn the world upside down. I want to live my life radically.

Here I am, Lord. Send me.

Three beautiful things.

2007-09-18T00:03:00.000-04:00

There's no better way to maintain a positive attitude or brighten my own day than to recognize three beautiful things in my life before I go to bed at night. Let's make it a habit.

1. Wearing new clothes and receiving lots of compliments :)

2. Knowing a friend is praying for you. Thanks, Dyl...

3. Paying off my school bill. It was a painful experience, but a beautiful feeling afterward.