krispy kreme.

at dinner a few nights ago...
ben: "i know it's a bit out of the ordinary and spontaneous, but at midnight tonight we're going to krispy kreme to get donuts! and you're going to eat one!"
me: laughter...lots of laughter.
krispy kreme is our idea of spontaneous and exciting?! ahaha. i must be getting very old.

other than that, not a whole lot of new things to report here...i'm starting to feel more comfortable in my role as a nurse and am learning that i have a LOT more autonomy than i could have imagined i would in nursing school. i'm becoming more assertive which is a definite must and i don't ask nearly as many questions or make nearly as many silly mistakes. yay! when oct. 26th roles around and i come off orientation though, i could use some prayer! i'm already anticipating a sleepless night the night before!

things have also improved greatly in the last few weeks concerning my relationship with the
Lord as well (maybe part of the reason work seems to be going better too, right?). we're connecting again and i'm choosing to put Him first. it's a wonderful thing to be in love with your Savior...i have a long way to go and will always just be a "work in progress", but it's such a great feeling when you know you're making decisions and living your life in a way that honors Him.

ben and i are great...i love him more every single day and sometimes can't believe how blessed i am to spend our life together. i'm nearing some decisions in the way of wedding planning which is a definite plus and i am actually enjoying having a lot of time to plan it, as it's taking a lot of stress out of the mix. still, i can't wait for june 26th to get here! :)

incredibly blessed.

i am quite possibly the most incredibly blessed girl i know...i have a job that i enjoy (even if i am completely underqualified), a family that loves and supports me through-and-through, friends that encourage me and desire to rub lives with me (even if they're not near), a fiance that loves me more and more like Christ everyday, and a God that relentlessly pursues and redeems me. even in brief moments that feel dark and hopeless, i am surrounded by people and a God that believe i'm worth it.

i will admit (and i say this with only from the perspective of my own little life-- i am very aware that many others are going through incredibly difficult things right now), life has been harder than usual lately. i've been stressed, very overwhelmed, and felt inadequate on nearly a daily basis. i've been sick, tired, and have been fighting aches and pains that just won't go away. i have ben, but i feel alone sometimes--i need Godly women here and finding them just hasn't been as easy as i thought it would be. needless to say amidst all my complaining, i have been weary and my strength is dwindling. unfortunately, i really only let ben see the majority of these overwhelming feelings. i'm not sure my parents really know or any of my friends from home for that matter. it presents itself in biting comments, irritability, and just overall grumpiness. i've even had to apologize to my dog stella from time to time.

so, last night i had a meltdown. it was a long time in coming and a bit inevitable i suppose. all those feelings have to go somewhere, right? i don't know if anyone else ever has moments where they sob uncontrollably and have no idea why they're crying, but i did. after i finally calmed down, i was able to think about where the torrent of tears was coming from and i came to this conclusion: i've been doing this all in my own strength. i haven't been asking for God's help, i haven't been relying on Him, i haven't run to Him when things have been overwhelming or i've been lonely. to no fault of his own, i've run to ben. he's here, his arms are readily available, and well, he's the love of my life. it's so easy to do, but as a result, my relationship with my Lord has suffered. i realized last night that i can't continue on the way i have been going and i certainly can't enter into a marriage without having my priorities in line. God is my first love, my redeemer, my best friend. it's unfair to ben, the Lord, and myself to put that much stock in one person.

not everything that has resulted from my mixed up priorities has been a bad thing however. i have watched ben develop (more) patience, compassion, grace, forgiveness, understanding, and love in his spirit toward me over the last few months. he has always embodied these things, but as he has loved me the way Christ loves the church, i have watched these characteristics blossom. (i'll go ahead and take credit for helping God mold ben into a more Christ-like man-- ha.) i am not the least bit afraid of pledging my love, devotion, and the rest of my life to ben because he has proven to me over and over again that he regards my life higher than he does his own. i love him and am so humbled that he chose me. i certainly don't deserve him, but i am grateful.

still, all that being said, ben will have to continue the development of all those wonderful qualities a different way. i vow, with the Lord's help, to make Him first in my life again. i want more of Him, i want to love Him better, i want to know Him intimately. i know all that our relationship can be and i'm finally ready to put forth the effort again. that is why i am so thankful for a God that relentlessly pursues me tonight; i know that this deep hunger to be back in His continual presence is a desire placed in my heart only by Him. i love you, Lord, because You first loved me.

stella, the newest member of our (almost) family

just wanted to take a moment to introduce stella...
ben and i's new golden.

she was kindly gifted to us by my brother and sister-in-law
and we've taken to her and she to us quite wonderfully.
it's already weird to think about an empty apartment without her...

currently, she's eating one of the expensive organic bones
we purchased for her yesterday at bluegrass barkery.
we spent three hours,
too much money,
and came home with three bags of "stella" things.

we have incessantly taken pictures of her
for the past 48 hours.
here are a few for your enjoyment.
she's beautiful.

unbelief.

i'm a conundrum of emotions this morning, but that pretty much sums up the way i've felt most of the summer...but this conundrum isn't due to the MANY transitions my life has gone through in a matter of months or the fact that i did my first set of chest compressions on a woman yesterday, watched her regain a pulse, tell her family she loved them, and then pass away an hour later. it is not from the joy of being engaged only to realize the stress of making wedding decisions all while considering everyone else's feelngs, opinions, and schedules, nor is it from being in lexington, virtually without a soul i know, trying to find my place. i am a conundrum of emotions...

my faith is being tested.
i am being stretched.
it hurts.
and i really prefer that it would stop.

over the last few weeks, i have felt unsettled in my relationship with the Lord, like things could be and have been so much more than they are right now. i have been more than inconsistent in my devotional life and because of that, more hesistant to do it when i actually desire it and set my mind to it-- why? well, if Jesus were my actual tangible best friend kate, i'd be pretty afraid to approach her and discuss why i've been so in and out of her life lately, using her only for my benefit...i would expect her anger. i know the Lord is far more gracious and loving and merciful than my best friend kate, but in those moments, my unworthiness is so evident and i become ashamed and wonder what gives me the right to enter into His presence...but, as the Scriptures say, God is faithful even when I am not because He cannot deny Himself (2 tim 2:13). faithfulness is so etched into His character that even when i am completely failing on my end of things, it is impossible for Him to fail me. this feeling of being unsettled (and some very strategic sermons aimed directly at me) have brought me to a place of action. i can't continue on like this...and i don't want to. i don't want to just go through the motions. this past sunday at church the pastor said, "a radical love requires a radical commitment." Jesus radically loves me. i am praying He would teach me how to radically love Him and live for only Him in return.

my eyes have been opened to the complacency of my relationship with Him, but He has also spoken very clearly into my life the last few days. this is what i refer to when i say my faith is being tested. some of the things He has asked me to do are already being challenged. i am meeting opposition and i don't yet feel ready to fight back. but i suppose that has been a glitch in my thinking all along...i don't need to fight. He will. Him through me. i will admit that i'm struggling however. one thing God has asked me to do is believe someone in my life that i feel has betrayed me, to go against all human wisdom and an overwhelming amount of evidence and simply trust someone He has called me to trust. at times i feel ready to do this...but as i let my mind wander, get my eyes off of Him, and consider the situation, all i can say is, "it is impossible! there is no way i can trust what is being said...it makes no sense." inadvertantly, i believe God is teaching me a lesson about myself. but asking me to have faith and be gracious and loving in a situation that is hard for me to swallow and wrap my mind around? i'm at a crossroads of sorts, but i am determined to be obedient, to listen and follow the Lord even when it doesn't add up. it's hard. really, really hard. and my faith is so small.

Lord, help my unbelief.

it's about that time...

it seems that a monthly update is in order...i hate that i don't get the chance to write more often (or make the time), but now seemed like a good time to catch up.

a lot has been going on-- big surprise there, right? (so much so that i have 5 voicemails that have been waiting on my phone for nearly two days--haven't had a moment to check them! although i am taking the time to update i suppose...ha.) i've made a few trips to lexington in the last month and finally made a decision about a housing situation. ben and i will both be living in an apartment complex called raintree and i was really pleased with the price for the quality. ben's front door is about 50 ft away from mine which will come in handy when i need my closets to be checked for bad guys. seriously. (i'll explain more about my creepy nightmares in a moment!) i'm not exactly sure how often we'll really see one another, as i work nights and sleep during the day and he has class in the afternoons and evenings. we'll see. i suppose it does help that i'm only tied up three days a week and he only has class four; i just hope they're not on opposite days! anyway, about those nightmares...i'm sure they're happening because my mind runs wild while i'm awake. even with my parents in the bedroom next to me, i fear an intruder breaking into the house and harming us all. every creak i hear (and our house creaks a lot) i think someone has arrived. ben has been on the phone with me during such episodes and i really do freak out quite a bit. one night i slept with a knife next to me in bed...i woke the next morning to an email filled with lots of Spripture verses ben encouraged me to memorize to fight the terrors. it's been getting better and i realize a lot of it probably is spiritual attack-- i think i've also been dwelling on the fact that i'm going to be all alone in lexington, coming home to an empty apartment, and fearing what might be awaiting me. maybe a self-defense class is in order too. ha. anyway, i'll be fine! but seriously, if anyone wants to come visit and stay for oh...5 weeks or so, you're more than welcome. ha.

so, housing is done and job is obtained. i took the NCLEX examination on the 2nd of june and was successful! it's definitely another weight lifted from my shoulders. may was set aside for a lot of studying and i remained fairly diligent. i think it paid off and i'm glad now that i didn't take kaplan after all. i was definitely nervous when everyone that took it was passing and i realized maybe i'd made a mistake. now i'm just glad i have $400 more in my bank account. ben drove up on monday so he could accompany me tuesday...what a good boyfriend. as i was walking to meet his car afterwards he asked, "how was it?" i only had time to reply, "it was awful!" when i arrived at the open window and spied a dozen roses mixed in among baby's breath and beautiful carnations (seriously, i'm not usually one for carnations, but they are beautiful!). i felt really blessed...until after i arrived home an hour later and burst into tears wailing dramatically, "i failed! i failed!" everyone has their moment, right? :) we left for lexington the next morning, i tried to take my mind off of NCLEX, and we had a great time. i was able to check my results thursday evening and made everyone stay away when i did. but alas, the glorious word was there in tiny, insignificant letters: passed. i was expecting music and a creepy clown to appear on the screen carrying balloons screaming its congratulations. apparently pearson doesn't get as excited as i do about passing. ha.

well, what since then, right? i guess the real question is, what not since then? i'm helping coach a 14-under girls softball team and trying to spend as much time with my friends and family all while attending/being in weddings, trying to plan and prepare for my open house/going away party (i shopped until midnight at four different grocery stores last night! why don't all the grocery stores carry the same items?!), buy furniture and accumulate things for a home, and prepare ben some very important going-away-to-africa-gifts. and let me go ahead and say that being crafty has had its low points: i've injured myself to the point of blood and experienced deep pain...all for ben. and since when does wal-mart stop selling very important items (in my mind) in the store and only offer them online? i'm telling you, they're sucking you into the shipping prices...$14 to get the desired item here by next tuesday. silliness. there will be sweet satisfaction when it's all said and done. *sigh. next week is filled with more of the same as i travel to chicago for some friends' wedding...to sing! i'm scared. but, no one will be looking at me anyway. or listening to me i hope. ha.

but i'm going to go ahead and apologize if you haven't heard from me since i've been home. everytime i think things are going to slow down and i'll be able to spend time with people, make commitments, etc. it just gets faster. it's not because you're not loved or important-- i promise. i just wish everyday had 30 hours and not 24.

now off to check those voicemails... :) and for your viewing pleasure, a picture from my college roommate's wedding this past weekend. enjoy.

just another day at the library...

i'm convinced that the employees here at the crawfordsville public library see the same people at the same time each week. i'm currently sitting on a fairly comfortable couch myself, staring out the nicely polished HUGE windows watching the traffic go by. (i think i've spied a few people i know from my vantage point and let's just say they're not all people i want to run into during my time in town!) anyway, next to me an older middle-aged gentleman sits with his laptop playing endless games of spider solitaire (although i think he's winning most) and his brow furrowed with his hand upon his forehead. i'm gonna go ahead and guess he's a regular...behind me at one of the tables sits an older man reading a magazine. he is accompanied by his Down's syndrome son who is also reading a magazine. they were in here last thursday same time i was (i've been studying for NCLEX...ugh). in fact, there are six other people in this particular room with me this morning and i recognize four of them just from the three short hours i was here last week. interesting.

i can't exactly say that the thing i'm looking forward to most about aging is heading to the public library everyday to catch up on my reading or play countless games of spider solitaire on my computer. but in a lot of ways, i long for a life that simple, that carefree. lately things have been hectic (to say the least). i have mixed feelings about where this next chapter of life is taking me and at any point during the day, i may be feeling one of twenty different emotions. excitement and peace are the emotions superceding them all, but sometimes doubt, fear, sadness, longing, or even anger seem to creep into the mess. girls tend to be emotional rollercoasters anyway (thanks, eve) and this transition seems to be having a synergistic effect on the height of the hills and angle of the turns on said rollercoaster ride. still, i'm enjoying being at home, spending time with my parents, and am looking forward to soaking in these last few months of freedom before i truly enter "the real world." and despite my ever-changing emotions, i have confidence that i serve a God that is never-changing. when i sit before Him in prayer or open His Word, nothing but peace floods my soul. i can't quite figure out why i still like to let my eyes drift from His glorious face, but in the quiet times i am reminded that He truly is leading me and that He truly is in control. just gotta hang onto that peace...

quick update:
1. i am currently living in crawfordsville.
2. i will be working just a few days a week in indianapolis.
3. i am studying for my NCLEX (state boards) examination.
4. i accepted a job on friday as an RN in the PACU at University of Kentucky's Chandler Hospital.
5. i start july 6th!
6. i'm moving to lexington at the end of june/1st of july. (i have no furniture though! ahaha.)
7. i will miss numerous people that have blessed and continue to bless my life.
8. i'm super terrified of living alone.
9. things with ben are great...he'll be moving to lexington in august.
10. my dog currently has cancer, is on the fritz, and i'm most scared of leaving her right now.
11. i secretly can't wait to get some experience as a nurse and then head overseas! i'm jealous of everyone traveling (especially elizabeth fleck!) this summer. ha.

so, some good news mixed in with the not-so-good, but overall, i can't complain. it's a beautiful day outside and i am loved deeply by my Creator.

i wanna go back to india...