it's been awhile...and a lot has changed. to be fair, silly blogspot wouldn't let me log in for about a month so we'll blame it partly on that. otherwise, i just haven't had the time-- or made it. last time i checked in, i was anticipating finals. now that seems like a million years ago. i finished another semester, had christmas, took a 12-day trip to florida with my family, celebrated another new year, started my last semester, and got a boyfriend since then. ha. i know that i do practically everything on that list every year around this time, but i surprised you with the boyfriend part. it surprised me too. but it's been the best surprise i've had in a long time.

i've had some not so good surprises these last few months as well: johnson (my thatta from india) is not doing well and i also discovered i probably will not be able to travel back there as i'd hoped this summer. ugh. johnson's health has been a rollercoaster the last month and it has certainly done a few loops with my emotions as well. today, after a depressing update, i cried through chapel and then again in critical care class. i just don't know what to do anymore or even how to pray (which is convenient considering i asked jess and liz to get together tonight to interceded on his behalf). at one point along this rollercoaster, i was really okay with the Lord calling him home. johnson has been so faithful and as one email stated it, he's "ready to see his Creator." i suppose i can celebrate for him when i consider that aspect. but then he started to get better...and i got my hopes up. another turn for the worse, another time of getting better, another turn for the worse, another time of getting better, etc. etc. etc. at this point, i just want him to get well and stay well! liz and jess might possibly be heading back there this summer and i have a big hug that i need them to give him. during worship in chapel today, i felt as if everyone else just faded away. it was just me and the Lord meeting and with my most earnest cries, i begged Him to save johnson. i know He heard my prayers...He always does. if i learned anything in india, it is that. but i felt like i heard God tell me what He so often does: "entrust him to My care, beloved. i love him far more than you ever could. he has been a good and faithful servant and i desire to bless him not only in this life, but the next. relinquish this hold and desperation, for this life is a mere glimpse of the goodness i have planned for eternity. celebrate and be joyful...johnson will be with me." how do you argue with the Creator of the universe, the all-powerful and holy God? you don't. so, i stopped my crying and begging and simply prayed for His will to be done. even if i don't like it, i can obediently say Thy will be done, Father.

in other news, i applied for the nurse residency program at vanderbilt medical center this past week. ah! it was the first real step i took toward anything relating to life post-graduation. this is not a small thing, people, as i have been avoiding it like the plague. i realized after i mailed the application that i hadn't even told my parents i was doing it though-- oops. it shouldn't come as a surprise to them; they've always known i wanted to get away from indiana. it's just that no one in my family actually thinks i'll go through with it. and maybe i won't. i have no idea. i just know that i'm praying for God to open doors and lead me where He sees fit. wherever the gifts and abilities He's given me can be used to glorify Him best, that's where i want to be. i'm open and flexible and uh, somewhat ready. ha. i figure i've got a lifetime to find the right fit-- i'll get it eventually. so in the meantime, i'm going to start applying other places and see where it goes. otherwise come april 25th, i'm outta luck. there's no more delaying...

let's see...florida with the family was fun. but long. i was there for 12 days because mom, dad, and i flew down on christmas eve in order to spend christmas with julie and pete. we met the rice's on the 27th, stayed with them for a week, and then headed back to pete's to wait for our monday flight out. by that time, i was about four days overdue and ready to come home. i will admit that most of it was because i missed ben, but more than ever before, i realized on that trip that i am a total introvert. i know i'm completely chatty and enjoy people immensely, but i am dragging pretty terribly if i don't have any alone time. with 18 other members of your family running around all week, there is no such thing as alone time. that part was hard, but after two and a half hours wandering around an outlet mall by myself one evening, i was much much better. julie's car and gps are exactly what i needed. ha. i would never trade the memories i gained that vaca though...mostly my time with grandpa and grandma really. they are two incredible people and i am blessed to know them. they love me so well.

this semester has been an interesting one so far...probably because so many of my relationships have changed. everyone is really involved in their major classes and with the stress of life in general. it's a hard semester because anyone that doesn't know what they're doing in may is now freaking out. i hear it every single day and it reverberates deep within me too. besides that though, i've been trying to balance homework, friends, ben, and sleep. ha. it's been harder than i anticipated, especially considering i enjoy spending most of my time with ben. after a few weeks away though, i'm beginning to see how important my girls are to me. not sure i could do a whole lot of life without them for very long. our relationship is still new and i hate to have to justify it, but it's important for us to be spending time together right now trying to decipher if this is legit or not. if the Lord leads us away from each other after graduation, we're going to need a foundation that seemingly endless nights over the telephone can rest firmly upon. i don't regret being with him so much, i just wish i had more time in the day. ha. still, it'll all work out and i'll get in a routine... :)

i think i hear jess and liz so i'm going, but if you're reading, please be praying for johnson...and the Lord's will to be done. until next time...

stace

three beautiful things.

things to be thankful for today:

1. good friends that calm me down during a "freak out."(steph, thanks for praying with and for me.)
2. skipping class today-- two of them! :)
3. serving a God that enjoys showering me extravagantly with His holy and redemptive love.

thanksgiving is just around the corner...

the holidays are going to look a bit different around the powell household this year, but i think i'm finally coming to terms with it all. i'll be working on thanksgiving day this year and originally was completely bummed out about it. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and always has been...it's never about anything but togetherness and family and quality time and laughter-- it's goodness all wrapped up in a 24-hour package. i love it. needless to say, missing out on it was disappointing, but the payoff a month later is well worth it! at this point, i'm just ready for any sort of a break. even going to work has its perks.

my boss was kind enough to work with me and my difficult schedule and it looks as if i'll only be working until the 23rd of december. i'll go in for about an hour very early on the 24th (just to say i worked another holiday) and then will be on my way to sunny orlando with my dad. my mom is planning on flying down later that afternoon (14 hours in the car is just too difficult for her and it was too much for all to fly) and that way we'll be able to wake up on christmas morning with jules. by that time she'll be at pete's and i think it will be nice for him to have some family on christmas morning as well. it's going to be strange not sitting in my living room with our christmas tree and the stockings i've used since i was a wee little girl, but i'm pretty okay with change. we'll drive another 6 hours south on the 27th and meet up with the grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles to enjoy a week at the beach. dad and i will drive back the 4th and meet mom at home on the 5th. whew. then it's back to school. my last semester...eek! we don't need to talk about that right now though. ha.

so yeah, at this point, bring on thanksgiving (even if it isn't totally what i'm used to-- i still get yummy leftovers)! the countdown to leaving school is on: 94.5 hours. my research paper desperately needs doing before then though...maybe that's why i'm holed away in the library procrastinating again! back to it... :)

but first, just a few pictures from past thanksgivings.

overwhelmed by goodness.

more than any other time in my life, i feel as if God has been showing me His goodness over and over and over again. many of you reading know me well and know that my life was not always this way. it has been a long process to get to this place, but the journey has been so worth it. i say that today with such conviction and the knowledge that Jesus has always had my best interest at heart.

last week the Lord laid it on my heart to write a letter to a friend...i feel He does this often and most of the time i simply ignore it. way to be obedient, right? well, i answered His call with a "yes" this time and poured out my heart, hoping that the words written would be received as encouragement and nothing short of that. (he should be getting it today, so we'll see...) i shared the goodness of my Lord and the fullness, the joy, the freedom, and the peace that now permeate my very being. i wanted to extend that same Truth to him, but after writing it said to myself, "do i truly believe that? do i live my life in such a way that i convey this joy and freedom?" it was challenging. and i have been pondering it since.

monday was not a great day for me and that is putting it mildly. it was hard for me to live a fully redeemed life as i was bogged down by symptoms of the disease that plagues me. i said, "Jesus, i don't know that i can do this for 50 more years." i don't share my pain with others most of the time, as it makes me feel like a complainer and a big baby. it makes me vulnerable and needy. i hate it. but it had gotten to the point that i couldn't hide the despair i was experiencing. a friend of mine said to me, "you're ridiculous...you're not complaining. you don't have to prove you're tough; i already know you are." i felt so much freedom in that moment, knowing that with certain people in my life, i don't have to pretend to be tough. my pain makes me miserable sometimes and that's a fact, but it's not something i always have to keep to myself. i woke the yesterday morning with a note from this same friend, encouraging me to use my hardship to "personify and epitomize Christ's redemptive work" in my life. what a challenge, but it was exactly the perspective change i needed.

i realized then that God divinely provides for me in every moment. He brings people into my life in the moments i need them most. He opens my eyes to the beauty of His creation during times when i feel discouraged about the mess we've made of this world. He provides me moments of rest when i feel as if i'm at a breaking point. He is amazing.

last night's Bible study and this morning's chapel blessed me so much. my suite is studying romans and last night i was so challenged to make some changes in my life...this week i'm focusing on two specific areas: gossip and pride. i don't expect that they'll be solved by the end of this week (although that would be nice!), but being conscientious about my actions and intentional with the words i speak is so key. at the end of my life i would love for others to be able to look back on my life and say, "you know, stace always refused to talk about people and served them with such humility." not a bad goal, right? :) we spent some great time in prayer last night, asking God to renew our spirits and fill us with joy overflowing. we spent our last 5-10 minutes together calling out the attributes of God that we are so thankful for...He is my Redeemer, my Provider, and He declares me righteous. it's so easy to become focused on all the negative, so choosing to see the positive was so healthy for me last night. i went to bed with a sense of contentment i hadn't known in a while.

i felt so silly with love and joy during chapel this morning that i thought my heart might burst with it. i listened to a song over and over again this morning as i was getting ready and when they began to play it during chapel, tears filled my eyes. Jesus is romancing me and i couldn't be more thankful. i wish there were more ways to put it, but all i really know is Jesus is so good.

i hope this encourages you as much as it does me.

The precious blood of Jesus Christ redeems,
Forgiven I’m alive, restored, set free.
Your majesty resides inside of me,
forever I believe. Forever I believe.
Arrested by your truth and righteousness,
your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness.
Convicted by your Spirit, led by your Word.
Your love will never fail.
Your love will never fail.
‘Cause I know you gave the world your only Son for us to
know your name, to live within the Savior's love and He took my place,
knowing He’d be crucified and you loved.. you loved, a people undeserving!

they are most certainly not forgotten.

a few weeks ago in church, they showed a video about helping kids at christmas time. i don't remember all the details of the actual charity, but at one point they said, "it says to the children, 'you are not forgotten.'" at that, my eyes welled with tears and i could hardly contain myself. i had already been fighting what was obviously a losing battle looking at the children on the screen and remembering all my own children...half a world away. my heart longs to be back. they are most certainly not forgotten. i remember them every single day and i ask myself, "what are they up to? do they miss me too? i wonder how jesus is touching their lives today..." ugh. i always said i wish my super power was the ability to click my heels like dorothy in the wizard of oz and go anywhere i desired in the blink of an eye. i could click myself to india just to have lunch and click myself back in time for class. jesus clearly has the capacity to grant such a desire...maybe i should start praying. seriously though, i hope and pray those children know that they are not forgotten. not by me, not by our Redeemer. they are beloved. they are precious. they are valuable in our sight. they are loved. they are so loved. they are so incredibly loved. every ounce of their being is loved and i pray tonight that each one of them is claiming that truth in their own lives. i pray that in spite of parents that abuse them or abandon them, in spite of a culture that tells them they are less than animals, they look in the mirror and say, "i am whole. i am healed." dear Lord, may it be so.

fast forward a few more days. i'm attending a beautiful group that celebrates recovery, whatever that may be in the lives of the attendees. i was there to actually do some clinical work, but apparently there had been a mix-up and they had no idea we were coming. another student and myself slipped in behind their circle and sat for 45 minutes as these women shared their stories. some were just beginning to work through their brokenness while others had emerged on the other side and remained to offer hope. it was beautiful. and i was so naive. they shared stories of serious drug addictions, ones that took their children from them and left them without any idea as to who they really were. one woman (who i actually knew) told her story about being sexually abused as a little girl-- it took her 48 years to recognize her value in Christ. one lady said she used to share a bed with 10-15 different men every day just to fund her drug habit. she's now healed. another chronicled her battle with a terrible eating disorder and how every morning she wakes up, looks in the mirror, and says to herself, "you are beloved. you are holy in His sight. you are the head and not the tail. you are above and not below. you are valued." these women are also most certainly not forgotten.

now to today. TU volleyball game. the chatter of spectators and the echo of volleyballs being slammed on the court fill my ears. the girls explode off the ground and the powerful arm swing entrances me. i miss the game. something catches my eye off the backside of the court.

a man.
shuffling.
wearing a purple game shirt.
eating his popcorn.
waving his hands above his head and clapping because he sees everyone else doing it.
he's in his own world.

my heart seemingly stops. my eyes fill with tears. silence. Lord, help me fight the urge to cry. not here, Father. not in front of all these people. this is incredibly embarrassing.

i close my eyes. gain my composure. look around me. no one has noticed a thing and no one else is even looking at this man. he appears to be invisible. that part hurts more.

i sat for a moment or two, pitying this man, wondering if he has people in his life that love him and love him well. he's mentally retarded after all, and he's vulnerable.

then Jesus said to me, "why do you pity him? look at him! really look at him! he's so full of joy and he wouldn't be spending this moment of his life any other way. don't pity him. i love him just the same way i love you and even if no one here on this earth loves him well, it doesn't matter. i validate his life. his existence delights Me. cheer up, stace. he is most certainly not forgotten either."

redeeming love.

i have two warnings before you start reading this entry:

1. it is fairly personal. if that scares you or you just don't care, stop here.
2. it is all about love. sometimes that scares people too.

i just finished reading redeeming love for the second time a few weeks ago. i started it on a wednesday and was done by saturday afternoon. i simply couldn't put it down and although i remembered the gist of one of the most amazing love stories i've ever known, it struck me so differently because i am a totally different person than the college freshman that read it the first time around. i know this sounds silly, but i resonated with angel so much throughout the book-- i felt as if i was her in many ways. i didn't feel connected to her simply because she represents christians that turn their back on God and michael represents the God that keeps pursuing. that part is true, sure, but even just her part in the literal love story made me understand myself so much more. for those of you that haven't read it (which you should go and do right now!), the fiction novel is modeled after the book of hosea in the Bible. angel plays the part of gomer, the prostitute that God asks hosea (michael) to marry. she runs back to her lifestyle and he pursues her again...and again...and again. it is a beautiful picture of how God loves us and continues to redeem us, to buy us back, even when we willfully turn and run from Him.

i can tell you that i relate to angel because she pays penance a lot in her life. how could she, a soiled dove, ever deserve to be happy? how could she ever deserve a man as wonderful and pure as michael hosea? how could she ever ask forgiveness or be cleansed from all the terrible things she has done in her life? how? at one point in the book, she tells him that she wishes she were whole for him. he asks, "because you think it would make me love you more?" she simply thought, "no, so that i could be worthy of you." i dated a boy once, a very nice boy. he thought i was worth pursuing and he told me he wanted to take care of me and see if our relationship might ultimately end in marriage. from the moment he started taking interest, i always wondered why. how could he, a man that has seemingly never done anything wrong in his life, want to court a tainted trainwreck like myself? i entered into the relationship anyway, but eventually could not take the self-imposed feelings of unworthiness and decided to end it. i didn't really have a great reason to do so, however. i mean, the guy was practically perfect on paper! i ended up doing the only thing i knew would make me feel guilty enough to cut ties between us: i failed to resist the advances of another boy. i thought that if i could prove that i was so unworthy of dating him, it would force me to end something i truly did want and it would ultimately be in his best interest; he needed to be away from a girl such as me. after all, i'm not a girl worth pursuing. since then, i have dated no one else and a few years have gone by. i cut myself off from having any desire to date again and convinced myself that i neither needed nor wanted a man. i closed my heart off and blamed it on my busyness and independence, afraid to ever really be happy in a relationship again. i have literally been self-destructively thinking that in some way, paying penance for past mistakes would eventually make things right. oh, i have been deceived. i have settled for less on many occasions, did things i ought not to do, and thought that all along it was what i was resigned to for the rest of my life.

most of the time i am so far removed from the person i was so many years ago when i was steeped in an unhealthy relationship full of sin. i look at myself and say, "that's not who you are anymore. you've changed." that works a lot of the time (except in the aforementioned relationship with Great Christian Boy) and when people tease me about my past, i normally laugh it off and make light of it. after all, it's history. well, this past week that didn't work so well for me. let's just say that some joking was going on that didn't really feel a whole lot like joking...i got up from the table and ran off crying...for four hours. i was a wreck and all the lies i'd been fighting for so long overwhelmed me and i gave in. i had not felt so much shame in such a long time, as the comments were reminders of the tarnished girl i used to be. i cried out asking God, "when do i get to be free? when will i ever be able to stop paying penance for the past?" i was hysterical. when i finally arrived back to the room that night, i had one of the most amazing conversations with the girl that teased me. she cried, i cried...and i walked away feeling as if something truly beautiful had come from it all. it was a time of confession, a time of encouragement, and a time of truly fellowshipping the way i believe Jesus intends for it to be all the time. there is beauty in brokenness.

okay, i tell you all that to say this: i serve one amazing God. He threw me for a loop today. a dear friend of mine that now lives far away sent a package in the mail that arrived this morning. it was addressed to myself and two other girls and included a book for the three of us to read as well as individualized letters for each of us. i bawled when i read mine. the letter was dated the same day as my hysteria, but had been written at 5:33 am, long before the incident. My friend had been unable to sleep and instead had stayed up praying for my friends and myself and writing to us. she tells me why she wants me to read the book...

"this last chapter i read caused me to think of you specifically because it told the story of a woman who was ruled by the thoughts and lies that she wasn't good enough and was undeserving of a life free of shame and guilt because of her past. i know this is something you've wrestled with and even the other day on the phone a shimmer of doubt showed up in our conversation when you were talking about ***** because of 'your past.' Stac, those thoughts are crippling lies and choke all hope you deserve from your dreams and your life. don't look back on your life unless you can do it with the truth and knowledge of God's faithfulness. this is what matters! there is no other reason to look back because when we do that, we are only preventing ourselves from hoping and dreaming and living in the freedom that God loved us enough to rescue us. you deserve better because you are His child! You are not the person you once were! believe it, sister! :)"

isn't that amazing that she was praying for me concerning this struggle area of my life, not knowing that that very evening, i would face what i did? i feel so thankful that i was covered in prayer. despite how hard those four hours were, i hate to know how i would have handled things without someone standing in the gap for me. God has blessed me so, and if that doesn't demonstrate the redeeming love my God offers me, i'm not sure what does.

maybe a little personal (and a little long) tonight? sorry. i'm just tired of hiding.

God does not waste our suffering.

i don't understand why things in life happen sometimes, but what i do know is that God does not waste our suffering. my heart goes out to a few friends of mine right now as they and their families are struggling with some very life-changing situations. you all are in my prayers and even though i know you all know it, remember that nothing in our lives goes untouched by Him. He knows and cares for both of you and all of this is in His beautiful plan. just as He has never wasted mine, He also will not waste your suffering. keep your eyes fixed upon Him.

speaking of suffering though, the aforementioned lesson is one that God taught me while i was in india. bringing this realization to mind has helped me on numerous occasions since i have been back over the last three months. i miss my children every single day and although the intense pain is not as frequent as it was, it still comes around more often than i would prefer. leaving them was the hardest thing i ever had to do in life and multiple times throughout a day i wonder if they're lonely, hungry, frightened, etc. their lives are so hard and i can't begin to know what that's like, but it keeps me sane knowing that God is not going to waste their suffering. He uses the brokenness to bring beauty and that's redemptive. on an afternoon where i am consumed with thoughts of going back and heartache that it's not just as simple as hopping on a plane, i rest in that.

thought i might share some of my favorite moments...i can still hear the giggling. and as far as that last one goes, i have no idea why we were smiling! this was on the bus on the way to the airport to leave after an incredibly emotional goodbye.