incredibly blessed.

i am quite possibly the most incredibly blessed girl i know...i have a job that i enjoy (even if i am completely underqualified), a family that loves and supports me through-and-through, friends that encourage me and desire to rub lives with me (even if they're not near), a fiance that loves me more and more like Christ everyday, and a God that relentlessly pursues and redeems me. even in brief moments that feel dark and hopeless, i am surrounded by people and a God that believe i'm worth it.

i will admit (and i say this with only from the perspective of my own little life-- i am very aware that many others are going through incredibly difficult things right now), life has been harder than usual lately. i've been stressed, very overwhelmed, and felt inadequate on nearly a daily basis. i've been sick, tired, and have been fighting aches and pains that just won't go away. i have ben, but i feel alone sometimes--i need Godly women here and finding them just hasn't been as easy as i thought it would be. needless to say amidst all my complaining, i have been weary and my strength is dwindling. unfortunately, i really only let ben see the majority of these overwhelming feelings. i'm not sure my parents really know or any of my friends from home for that matter. it presents itself in biting comments, irritability, and just overall grumpiness. i've even had to apologize to my dog stella from time to time.

so, last night i had a meltdown. it was a long time in coming and a bit inevitable i suppose. all those feelings have to go somewhere, right? i don't know if anyone else ever has moments where they sob uncontrollably and have no idea why they're crying, but i did. after i finally calmed down, i was able to think about where the torrent of tears was coming from and i came to this conclusion: i've been doing this all in my own strength. i haven't been asking for God's help, i haven't been relying on Him, i haven't run to Him when things have been overwhelming or i've been lonely. to no fault of his own, i've run to ben. he's here, his arms are readily available, and well, he's the love of my life. it's so easy to do, but as a result, my relationship with my Lord has suffered. i realized last night that i can't continue on the way i have been going and i certainly can't enter into a marriage without having my priorities in line. God is my first love, my redeemer, my best friend. it's unfair to ben, the Lord, and myself to put that much stock in one person.

not everything that has resulted from my mixed up priorities has been a bad thing however. i have watched ben develop (more) patience, compassion, grace, forgiveness, understanding, and love in his spirit toward me over the last few months. he has always embodied these things, but as he has loved me the way Christ loves the church, i have watched these characteristics blossom. (i'll go ahead and take credit for helping God mold ben into a more Christ-like man-- ha.) i am not the least bit afraid of pledging my love, devotion, and the rest of my life to ben because he has proven to me over and over again that he regards my life higher than he does his own. i love him and am so humbled that he chose me. i certainly don't deserve him, but i am grateful.

still, all that being said, ben will have to continue the development of all those wonderful qualities a different way. i vow, with the Lord's help, to make Him first in my life again. i want more of Him, i want to love Him better, i want to know Him intimately. i know all that our relationship can be and i'm finally ready to put forth the effort again. that is why i am so thankful for a God that relentlessly pursues me tonight; i know that this deep hunger to be back in His continual presence is a desire placed in my heart only by Him. i love you, Lord, because You first loved me.