ben and i had a chance to go "pick out a tree" (artificial from target-ha) a few nights ago and had fun decorating. all the ornaments i brought from home have my name on it somewhere because my mom has been gifting them to me every christmas for as long as i can remember. it was a bit sad taking them from home, but it's also nice to see them on the tree here. all of ben's are store-bought ornaments his mom sent with him, so between the two of us, it turned out pretty well. it's still in some desperate need of an angel on top, but we'll get to that sometime before christmas i'm sure.stella also had fun helping.


















speaking of stella, she's been quite a pill today. ben woke up this morning to a newly-purchased, destroyed wallet. many of its contents were irreparable, but she managed to miss everything important: license, health insurance card, credit card, asbury id, etc. while eating everything not-so-important: borders card, blockbuster card, etc. ben commented, "it's almost like she decided 'i want to punish them, but i don't want to be too mean.'" ahaha. we also went to a movie tonight and when we returned to ben's apartment, discovered stella had eaten the blu-ray remote...i got a tad hysterical when i couldn't find the other battery for a while, but it turns out when she bit into it, she didn't like the taste of whatever was inside. right next to the obliterated remote? her very expensive, chicken-flavored bone. i think we have a dog who feels neglected. i'm looking forward to going to days next week simply so we can spend more time with her. between ben's class schedule and me working at night and sleeping all day, stella has had a lot of alone time lately. we'll be remedying that soon and hopefully we'll have a content pup once again.

until next time,
stace

i love that oswald chambers.

As part of my devotions tonight, I read Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest" and found one sentence to be extremely challenging and profound:

God’s revelation of Himself to me is influenced by my character, not by God’s character.

I encourage you to search online for the devotional thought yourself, but the jist of it centers around obedience. Chambers writes that his goal is "God Himself...At any cost, dear Lord, by any road", conceding that he is willing to do it God's way in order to reach that goal, fully obedient to whatever the Lord calls him to in order to know Him better. He goes on to say that "this work of obedience is the evidence that the nature of God is in me" and "the promises of God are of no value to us until, through obedience, we come to understand the nature of God."

Wow. It seems so elementary to realize that my outward actions of obedience reflect the Spirit that lives inside me, but that's exactly what happened tonight. I often like to believe (falsely) that my spiritual growth and maturation has more to do with what the Lord desires and chooses to do in my life rather than any sort of responsibility on my own part; if I just wait around long enough, God will supernaturally pop in and out, transforming as He sees fit. Therefore, it was hard to swallow Chambers' words that "God's revelation of Himself to me is influenced by my character, not by God's character." Essentially, the more proficient in obedience I become, the more I demonstrate faithfulness in the small things, the more God will reveal Himself to me. Again, elementary? Probably. Something I knew before? Most likely. Beneficial to hear it a different way? Definitely. Thanks, Oswald. I suppose the ball is in my court.

In other news, Southland is getting ready to finish up a sermon series called "Dirty Laundry" dealing with the issue of sin. Ben and I missed last week because we were out of town, but the church has made a website (www.clotheslineconfessions.com) where people can "air" their dirty laundry. It's completely anonymous and the website will be taken down after the completion of the series as a way to symbolically demonstrate the forgiveness of the sins confessed. I have to admit that I live a life that is far from perfect, but I have been shocked by many of the things posted. The Church is most definitely full of hurting and broken people...I know many look in from the outside and proclaim that we're all just a bunch of hypocrites, but what better place for hurting and broken people to go than church?

As I waded through many of the confessions though, my heart was just burdened. Almost every entry chronicles the emptiness and shame sin leaves in its wake, but almost every entry also touches on the chronic nature of that sin. What is it about us as humans that compels us to continually return to methods we know don't work? To lifestyles that leave us more messed up than we were before? As a dog returns to its vomit... What was more amazing to me as I was reading though, more than the inherent sinful nature bent on self-destruction, more than the lack of obedience to God, self-control, etc. was the realization that I serve a God that loves every single one of us despicable hypocrites and sinners fully, and that one day, He's going to make it right again and restore us. I love that promise. I'm clinging to it tonight.

And if you're looking for a whole bunch of people to add to your prayers, check out the website.

love your neighbors.

taking stella out to potty is not my favorite task and i know it will only get worse as the cold winter months come our way...but i have to admit it's a bit exciting when we walk out the front door of ben's apartment because we never know if the skittish, wandering kitty will be napping behind the nearby bush. stella particularly enjoys pursuing the cat, dragging me along by her leash.

upon my arrival from work a few nights ago, ben says, "i may or may not have set some milk out for a cat that may or may not exist." great. i enjoy watching stella take off after the cat while ben encourages it's stay.

fast forward to last night's humorous conversation.
ben (after taking stella out): "the kitty drank all the milk."
me: "yeah, i saw the empty bowl."
ben: "i'm going to go feed our cat again."
me: "ben..."
ben: "well what's the poor cat going to do during the winter?! it's going to starve to death!"
me (feeling a bit of compassion): "are you planning on making this cat ours?"
ben (as i hear the refrigerator door creak open): "no..."
me: what kind of milk are you giving her? (skim and whole are both in the fridge.)
ben: whole! straight from the teat!
me: ahahahahaha.

i love that man. i may not be very fond of the cat that may soon become ours, but i do adore that man. i suppose i have a few more things to learn about what it really means to "love your neighbor"... :)

latest happenings.

it seems lately that i have to remind myself of the things i am thankful for. sad? probably. realistic? most definitely. so starting a day out right (i worked night shift last night), here goes...

1. my Jesus...His love is constant, never-changing, and His forgiveness and grace are amazing and overwhelming.
2. ben. our love continues to grow and mature and i enjoy every moment we're blessed to spend together. sometimes i wonder how on earth i did life without him...he's certainly a gift.
3. Bible study girls. they are a breath of fresh air and i am so thankful God provided 7:45 on sunday evenings.
4. time with family. between ben's sister, cousin, and cousin's wife being here on friday to sunday and my parents staying here monday on their way back to indiana, the weekend was full of loved ones. i couldn't have asked for anything better.
5. stella. she loves ben and i unconditionally every day and more than most people, shows me Christ. silly? maybe, but besides that, she's hysterically quirky and entertaining. despite her bouts with lots of vomiting and diarrhea, we love her. (we figured out what it is though--bones! every time stella eats dog bones, here comes the good ol' v&d. sorry, stell! no more!)
6. today's sunshine. kentucky weather has been so dreary up until the last few days...it's so good to feel the sun on your face.

i feel better already. it's amazing how sitting back and focusing on all the things in life i have to be thankful for changes my perspective immensely. i won't lie--things have been really discouraging and hard at work these past few weeks. i made the transition to night shift and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. pacu is crazy at night and there simply aren't enough hands. i'm dreading coming off orientation next week...but i have to believe God will provide. ben has been my biggest encourager, reminding me where to keep my focus and to have some confidence, but i'm weak a lot. i cry before i have to go in, i cry when i leave, i cry when i'm at home just thinking about having to go back. sometimes i wonder if i have what it takes, so i guess we'll just have to wait and see...but if you're reading, please be praying. i need strength that is far beyond my human capability right now.

well, it's time to return some phone calls and do the good ol' dishes. hope you all have a blessed day!

here are just a few pictures from our fun weekend! the first was taken at the henry clay estate here in lexington and the second was taken at keeneland--the horse racing park. ben and i stopped to watch a few on sunday afternoon!

krispy kreme.

at dinner a few nights ago...
ben: "i know it's a bit out of the ordinary and spontaneous, but at midnight tonight we're going to krispy kreme to get donuts! and you're going to eat one!"
me: laughter...lots of laughter.
krispy kreme is our idea of spontaneous and exciting?! ahaha. i must be getting very old.

other than that, not a whole lot of new things to report here...i'm starting to feel more comfortable in my role as a nurse and am learning that i have a LOT more autonomy than i could have imagined i would in nursing school. i'm becoming more assertive which is a definite must and i don't ask nearly as many questions or make nearly as many silly mistakes. yay! when oct. 26th roles around and i come off orientation though, i could use some prayer! i'm already anticipating a sleepless night the night before!

things have also improved greatly in the last few weeks concerning my relationship with the
Lord as well (maybe part of the reason work seems to be going better too, right?). we're connecting again and i'm choosing to put Him first. it's a wonderful thing to be in love with your Savior...i have a long way to go and will always just be a "work in progress", but it's such a great feeling when you know you're making decisions and living your life in a way that honors Him.

ben and i are great...i love him more every single day and sometimes can't believe how blessed i am to spend our life together. i'm nearing some decisions in the way of wedding planning which is a definite plus and i am actually enjoying having a lot of time to plan it, as it's taking a lot of stress out of the mix. still, i can't wait for june 26th to get here! :)

incredibly blessed.

i am quite possibly the most incredibly blessed girl i know...i have a job that i enjoy (even if i am completely underqualified), a family that loves and supports me through-and-through, friends that encourage me and desire to rub lives with me (even if they're not near), a fiance that loves me more and more like Christ everyday, and a God that relentlessly pursues and redeems me. even in brief moments that feel dark and hopeless, i am surrounded by people and a God that believe i'm worth it.

i will admit (and i say this with only from the perspective of my own little life-- i am very aware that many others are going through incredibly difficult things right now), life has been harder than usual lately. i've been stressed, very overwhelmed, and felt inadequate on nearly a daily basis. i've been sick, tired, and have been fighting aches and pains that just won't go away. i have ben, but i feel alone sometimes--i need Godly women here and finding them just hasn't been as easy as i thought it would be. needless to say amidst all my complaining, i have been weary and my strength is dwindling. unfortunately, i really only let ben see the majority of these overwhelming feelings. i'm not sure my parents really know or any of my friends from home for that matter. it presents itself in biting comments, irritability, and just overall grumpiness. i've even had to apologize to my dog stella from time to time.

so, last night i had a meltdown. it was a long time in coming and a bit inevitable i suppose. all those feelings have to go somewhere, right? i don't know if anyone else ever has moments where they sob uncontrollably and have no idea why they're crying, but i did. after i finally calmed down, i was able to think about where the torrent of tears was coming from and i came to this conclusion: i've been doing this all in my own strength. i haven't been asking for God's help, i haven't been relying on Him, i haven't run to Him when things have been overwhelming or i've been lonely. to no fault of his own, i've run to ben. he's here, his arms are readily available, and well, he's the love of my life. it's so easy to do, but as a result, my relationship with my Lord has suffered. i realized last night that i can't continue on the way i have been going and i certainly can't enter into a marriage without having my priorities in line. God is my first love, my redeemer, my best friend. it's unfair to ben, the Lord, and myself to put that much stock in one person.

not everything that has resulted from my mixed up priorities has been a bad thing however. i have watched ben develop (more) patience, compassion, grace, forgiveness, understanding, and love in his spirit toward me over the last few months. he has always embodied these things, but as he has loved me the way Christ loves the church, i have watched these characteristics blossom. (i'll go ahead and take credit for helping God mold ben into a more Christ-like man-- ha.) i am not the least bit afraid of pledging my love, devotion, and the rest of my life to ben because he has proven to me over and over again that he regards my life higher than he does his own. i love him and am so humbled that he chose me. i certainly don't deserve him, but i am grateful.

still, all that being said, ben will have to continue the development of all those wonderful qualities a different way. i vow, with the Lord's help, to make Him first in my life again. i want more of Him, i want to love Him better, i want to know Him intimately. i know all that our relationship can be and i'm finally ready to put forth the effort again. that is why i am so thankful for a God that relentlessly pursues me tonight; i know that this deep hunger to be back in His continual presence is a desire placed in my heart only by Him. i love you, Lord, because You first loved me.

stella, the newest member of our (almost) family

just wanted to take a moment to introduce stella...
ben and i's new golden.

she was kindly gifted to us by my brother and sister-in-law
and we've taken to her and she to us quite wonderfully.
it's already weird to think about an empty apartment without her...

currently, she's eating one of the expensive organic bones
we purchased for her yesterday at bluegrass barkery.
we spent three hours,
too much money,
and came home with three bags of "stella" things.

we have incessantly taken pictures of her
for the past 48 hours.
here are a few for your enjoyment.
she's beautiful.