warning: i'm struggling. this blog post is purely selfish and a place where i just need to write it all down. 

so our move hasn't exactly been all i thought it would be. and i don't mean to say that i had all these expectations either. i just thought it would be easier than being far away and living in kentucky. and to be completely honest, there are many days i wish we were back in kentucky and far away from family. learning boundaries since we have been back has been part of the issue but it's more been this: the people that you thought were supposed to love and support you no matter what and the people that claim to be Christians, aren't necessarily always that way. it's absolutely true that ben and i went through a lot with his health shortly after we were married (praise the Lord that he's pretty much healed today) and that at times, he made poor decisions to deal with his sickness. but i am happier today in my marriage than i have ever been and i believe without a doubt that everything we went through was to make us stronger in the Lord together and as individuals. i married a really great man who prays with me every day and who makes me laugh in almost every moment. when i'm irrational and crazy and upset for no apparent reason, he speaks truth into my life and loves me through it. when it's just he and i, there's no drama. we're finally leading a quiet life and doing the day-to-day and are really loving it. all the hurt and tears and drama in my life the last three months has all been caused by people that don't know how to forgive and move on and love others well. while everyone else's transgressions are swept under the rug, my husband gets crucified...and his offenses weren't against them in the first place!!! i realize that i'm venting at this point, but i promise it's righteous anger. the way ben has been mistreated and talked about and judged is in no way like the Savior we serve. and while everyone else sits back and points out the speck in his eye, they have huge planks in theirs. it's a tough decision to make, but i'm praying about cutting ties...not only because i'm not sure i can ever trust these people that say they love me again, but because their sin is, at times, causing me to sin. i don't want to be like them...i don't want to be bitter and unforgiving and judgmental about situations i can't possibly understand, but choosing to take the high road and be the bigger person day in and day out with them is starting to make me an unforgiving person. i believe some distance might actually be the key to loving them well long-term. to end, i'm including one of my favorite quotes i try to live by on a daily basis, God-willing. 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Indiana: Home Sweet Home

We made it!!! :) Despite the 103 degree temps and lots of aching muscles, our moving truck finally made it to Indiana at the beginning of September. LOTS going on, LOTS of stuff in storage, LOTS of new (but wonderful) changes, and already LOTS of time spent with wonderful people we have so dearly missed. Indiana, I love you!!! (I'm not so fond of your 50 degree temps lately however--looks I arrived just in time for fall!)

I started my new job at Methodist on Monday and it's been a loooong week of meetings, exams, validations, etc. Boo. Can't wait to start on my unit and take care of some really sick trauma patients! Although I know the road will be challenging, I think I (and God) am up for it! During my short career, I have looked up to so many experienced nurses that I think are just incredible. I know my new position is going to refine me and mold me into one of those nurses I look up to! Can't wait.

Heading to C'ville's homecoming tonight...Should be interesting. Sometimes when I go home to Crawfordsville, I duck behind aisles in the grocery store or pretend I don't see people I know. (Terrible, I know). It's painful to make awkward, small talk a lot. Other times, I look forward to going somewhere I know I will recognize people. I've missed that at times while being in Kentucky...So, we'll see what kind of mood I'm in tonight :) I'll probably end of having the same conversation over and over 100 times. Ha.

I'm planning on enjoying the weekend (off 'til Monday!) and I hope you do too! Ciao!

exciting/new/unexpected life things! :)

soooo, it's been a while. but isn't that how i start off every post? ha. i'm really not made for this whole blogging thing and between being crazy busy at work and being too cheap to pay for internet at home...it's a bad combination. BUT, there are a few noteworthy things going on in our lives i want to record, even if it's only for me later.

1. ben's health is still a big issue, still a big source of stress and frustration, but we've been paying out of pocket to see doctors in indianapolis because UK has been less than wonderful. it's proving to be a good experience and i'm told that within the next year or so, i should have my incredible, loving husband back to sound health. PTL for that!
2. ben and i have been (at the advice of my pastor's wife) praying together twice a day everyday. that may not seem like much, but take into account the hardship we've been through and how it took a huge toll on us spiritually both as individuals and a couple, and i'd say we're making good progress. it's amazing how prayer can dissipate your anger and bitterness and turn it into love and compassion for one another.
3. because of ben's debilitating illness, he was unable to finish his semester at asbury. we've decided some time off is a good thing and he won't be returning to asbury when and if he decides to resume his studies.
4. because of point #3, we have nothing holding us in kentucky. family support and being surrounded by friends is always the better option...so we're moving back to indiana!!!
5. we recently put a deposit down on an apartment in carmel and we're to move in in september! :)
6. i'm still applying for jobs, but today while i was sleeping (i worked last night and am currently working), a recruiter from IU Health called and wants to set up an interview. it is a complete answer to prayer because they have over 20,000 applicants/month and i was told it might be 30 days before they even process my application. it's been 12! yay!

so, that's ben  and stacey news, but we also recently spent time in indiana hanging out with my family, celebrating my sister's bday, celebrating my fil's bday, etc. it was a great time of relaxation and lots of laughter. i still have the most amazing niece and nephew and incredible dog in the whole world. ha.

tonight i am counting my blessings and prasising the Lord for giving me the strength to endure these last 12 months...it is by Him alone that i even take my next breath and it is from Him alone that we beg for mercy and grace each and every day. all glory and honor to You, Father.

do not fear.

i wish i had the cure for worry. i've slept approximately 6 hours in the last 48 and here i am wide awake with so much on my mind. i hate to be vague (and my last post was uncharacteristically transparent), but it just makes me cringe sometimes when i read things on facebook, etc. that are better left to yourself. i wish i had better news to report since i wrote that post on february 9th, but the truth is things have only gotten harder. for the last few weeks i thought things were looking up... it was as if i could feel the prayers being lifted on ben and i's behalf and i had hope for the first time in months. but for some reason this past week, we took 1 step forward and 10 back. i think i posted back in december about ben's health issues and wishing we had answers...there are still no answers and we are becoming desperate both as individuals and as a couple. 

i wish that i could post something really happy and uplifting like the blogs of those i read. i would love to post about something crafty i'm doing or about the really fun weekend we had or even about the new, great recipe we tried. but the truth is, our life has become debilitated by what's going on and i have nothing but piles of laundry, dishes, and layers of dust building up in my house and this blog to share my feelings with. not exactly the greatest writing material. those things just haven't been the priority. oh, and if you're reading this and wondering where your wedding thank-you is...most have been written since october, but that too has just not been the priority. it's amazing the things that don't seem important anymore...hence the reason i haven't had a shower in three days. ha.

i was reading lamentations 3 to ben last night before he fell asleep and i just couldn't help but feel like i might have written it myself. the writer feels abandoned, alone, like his prayers are not being heard...but deep down inside somewhere, recognizes God's goodness and he hopes again. i just want to be able to hope again...to not be afraid to pray for blessing and only be met with disappointment and heartache. i'll leave you with some of the verses that resonate with me, but if you're reading this and you're a praying person, please pray. we're in the middle of the fire. (and i'm pretty sure i just became that post that makes me cringe sometimes. oh well. life is messy.)

lam. 3 

 ⁷ He has walled me in, and I cannot escape.
      He has bound me in heavy chains.
 ⁸ And though I cry and shout,
      he has shut out my prayers.

¹¹ He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces,
      leaving me helpless and devastated.

 ¹⁵ He has filled me with bitterness
      and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.

  ¹⁷ Peace has been stripped away,
      and I have forgotten what prosperity is.
 ¹⁸ I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
      Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”

 ¹⁹ The thought of my suffering and homelessness
      is bitter beyond words.
 ²⁰ I will never forget this awful time,
      as I grieve over my loss.
 ²¹ Yet I still dare to hope
      when I remember this:

 ²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
      His mercies never cease.
 ²³ Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.
 ²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
      therefore, I will hope in him!”

 ²⁵ The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
      to those who search for him.
 ²⁶ So it is good to wait quietly
      for salvation from the Lord.

 ³¹ For no one is abandoned
      by the Lord forever.
 ³² Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
      because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
 ³³ For he does not enjoy hurting people
      or causing them sorrow.

⁵⁵ ...I called on your name, Lord,
      from deep within the pit.
 ⁵⁶ You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading!
      Hear my cry for help!”
 ⁵⁷ Yes, you came when I called;
      you told me, “Do not fear.”

it's okay to just be sad sometimes, right? because today i'm sad. just so, so sad. i've been sad most days in recent months it seems...and it's getting harder and harder to truly believe that God sees my situation and cares. but i know that i know that i know that God is good, that He is faithful, that He has seen me through a lot of tough situations in life. sometimes i lay in bed at night and wonder if everything difficult i went through growing up was preparation for this most difficult time. had i not been made strong, not learned to believe that there is light at the end of tunnels, i'm sure i would have broken down long before now. but God, here i am in my brokenness...i'm wholly surrendered to You. please see me through my darkest hour and help me know You are near. give me strength because i have none and help me to believe that You are enough. i want for You to be enough.

uncertainty.

if you know me, you know i'm a planner, slightly anal, and a bit of a control freak. i hate not knowing what the future holds or having a way to explain current circumstances. sometimes things are the way they are simply because they are and the Lord says it's best. it drives me crazy.

to be vague but not too vague (how much of your life is okay to share with the blogging world?), ben and i have been going through...some things. our marriage is wonderful, no worries, but there are extraneous circumstances that have been challenging lately. some might even say "hard". it's nothing we can control, nothing we can figure out at this point, and the hardest part is not even actually going through it all. the hardest part is wanting an answer and not knowing if we'll ever get one.

we pray about our circumstance a lot together and as many times as i say, "i trust You, Lord. i know you see our situation and You haven't forgotten us. i know You love us more than we can imagine and You only desire good for our lives.", my faith is lacking. granted, it's improved over the last (almost) five months, but there are still moments when i ask "why?" and tell God i'm mad at Him, ask Him what in the world He is doing. i wish i trusted more. you'd think after truly following the Lord for the last seven years i would know that He is faithful and He has never let me down, that even all the bad and hard things i've gone through in life have been for my betterment. but still, i falter.

where does true faith come from? how do you force yourself one way when everything in you is fighting to go the opposite? i wish i knew the answer, but tonight i do know in my heart of hearts that God is good and that He is using our situation to mold and grow us and bring us closer together in our marriage. maybe one day we'll be able to use our situation to minister to others, to make a difference for the Kingdom somehow. really that's all i can ask for right now: Father, hear my prayers and use my life to honor You.

insomnia.

it's 2:44 am and while i went to bed almost 2 hours ago, i'm obviously not sleeping. working night shift will do that to you, but i refused to take anything tonight to help. 25 mg of benadryl makes me feel like i've been trampled by an elephant and sleep for 12 hours, so i don't love that so much. annnd, there's not a whole lot else out there much milder than that, so tonight the insomnia has taken over.

i'm sort of glad i'm awake right now to be honest. it's allowed me to catch up on some internet things (i'm hardly ever on it b/c i have to "borrow" from the neighbor and b/c ben likes to spend q.t. together when we're both home), think about all the things i want to do to make ben's day a little brighter tomorrow, annnnnnd it's given me quite the chuckle. ben always complains about how tired he is during the daytime because he doesn't sleep well at night. most of the time i'm passed out before he is and half the week i'm at work, so i haven't really noticed until now that he is a REALLY bad sleeper. currently his eyes are closed and occasionally he makes a snoring noise, but he is really thrashing around. he has managed to scoot me clear over to the edge of the bed with his bum and earlier, elbowed me right in the sternum. i said "ow", but he didn't apologize...or stir. well, depends on your definition of "stir" i suppose--he continued to thrash around, he just didn't open his eyes. meanwhile, our loyal guard dog stella is laying on the floor at the foot of our bed whimpering. she too is fast asleep and is simply dreaming. for some reason, whenever she does this, i think it's so hysterical. keeping my laughter inside has had me shaking the bed and hopefully i don't wake ben. what a funny family i have... :)

on another note, i lost my first baby sunday night. it was hard-- really hard. and really sudden. i'd taken care of him the two nights before and when i left sunday morning, had this terrible gut feeling. all the doctors thought he was fine, but i came home and told ben i just didn't think he was going to be ok. when i went back into work that night, report had only been over for two minutes and i hadn't even washed my hands when we started doing CPR. it was stressful and i was so nervous. i got help and started drawing up code meds. 35 minutes later, it was all over. the mother was wailing in the hallway and i just kept saying, "i don't know what to do. i've never done this before." what do you say to a mother that's just lost her first child?! i felt unprepared and inadequate and thankfully, had some experienced nurses around to help me through the bereavement process. he was so, so sweet and i am so, so sorry he's gone. it's hard not to wonder if you could have done something more, but ultimately, i think being held safely in Jesus' arms in heaven was the best thing that could have happened for him. still, there are nurses that have been there for 5 or 6 years and never lost a kid. i'm just hoping it doesn't happen to me again for a very, very long time.

i feel like i should say something happy after all that...who wants to end their post on such a sad note?! umm...good news! looks like i'll get to travel to indiana for the thanksgiving holiday weekend after all! i'm heading in town saturday on no sleep, but it's totally worth it to see my family! i absolutely can't wait!!! :) also, ben and i got some very good financial news recently...it's a long story, but let's just say that God is incredibly good and i never should have doubted that He would provide! i am a blessed, blessed woman.