uncertainty.

if you know me, you know i'm a planner, slightly anal, and a bit of a control freak. i hate not knowing what the future holds or having a way to explain current circumstances. sometimes things are the way they are simply because they are and the Lord says it's best. it drives me crazy.

to be vague but not too vague (how much of your life is okay to share with the blogging world?), ben and i have been going through...some things. our marriage is wonderful, no worries, but there are extraneous circumstances that have been challenging lately. some might even say "hard". it's nothing we can control, nothing we can figure out at this point, and the hardest part is not even actually going through it all. the hardest part is wanting an answer and not knowing if we'll ever get one.

we pray about our circumstance a lot together and as many times as i say, "i trust You, Lord. i know you see our situation and You haven't forgotten us. i know You love us more than we can imagine and You only desire good for our lives.", my faith is lacking. granted, it's improved over the last (almost) five months, but there are still moments when i ask "why?" and tell God i'm mad at Him, ask Him what in the world He is doing. i wish i trusted more. you'd think after truly following the Lord for the last seven years i would know that He is faithful and He has never let me down, that even all the bad and hard things i've gone through in life have been for my betterment. but still, i falter.

where does true faith come from? how do you force yourself one way when everything in you is fighting to go the opposite? i wish i knew the answer, but tonight i do know in my heart of hearts that God is good and that He is using our situation to mold and grow us and bring us closer together in our marriage. maybe one day we'll be able to use our situation to minister to others, to make a difference for the Kingdom somehow. really that's all i can ask for right now: Father, hear my prayers and use my life to honor You.