Countdown: 7 Days

So much has happened these last few weeks and I don't even know how to begin to communicate it all. I feel like I say that so often, but it is incredibly true.

I'll begin by saying that God has amazed me with the responses of other believers to my trip. When I am having an incredibly difficult and trying time in the restaurant during work and I am praying, begging God to help me, He brings me tables of Christians and other people that ask me what I'm doing with my summer, etc. It opens the door to talking about India and I have been nothing short of encouraged by the interest in God's work there by complete strangers and loved ones alike. It is more than I ever could have asked for. Ever. And more often than not, sacred moments of sharing India with people help me get through my nights. After small group last week, I stopped by Monte's insurance office to pick up a support check in the morning. I won't share b/c they wouldn't want me to, but they helped provide for my trip abundantly more than I could have ever asked for also. My eyes immediately filled with tears-- there is no way in the world I deserve such generosity-- and I said, "I don't deserve this." He gave me a look to which I quickly replied, "but God does." I am fairly sure his eyes filled with tears as well as he said, "That's right. And we are glad to be able to do it. You will be such a blessing to those children." I couldn't do much more than say thanks-- words were escaping me at the moment and well, I was choked up. I had a similar moment with Susan's mom in her driveway last week. She explained to me that although she may not be able to go right now, she has the means to send. And although I may not have the means to send myself, I am able to go. She said, "We are a team," and for the first time, I realized her words were true. When people have contacted me to donate to this ministry, I feel embarrassed and unworthy and a bit like a charity case. (Forgive me-- it is a result of years of learned behavior regarding this area of my life.) I mean, I am thankful beyond words, but I have never been a gracious receiver. Understanding that the money is God's money and not mine helps me handle that. Through my moments with Kathy and with Monte, I have seen the Body of Christ in a tangible way. I have seen their joy in giving and the confidence and trust they are putting in little ol' piddly me to be faithful to the ministry and to their contribution by being wholly committed to India. Wow. What a challenge, but also what a privilege.

The spiritual attack has not lessened at all in fact and this weekend Satan caught me at my worst. I failed-- pretty miserably actually-- and even was at a place where I thought I should call Liz, tell her I was completely unqualified, and that I could not travel to India. Of course, that was blowing what happened a teensy bit out of proportion, but after God has shown me so much, grown me in amazing ways, and surrounded me with so much support, how in the world could I even contemplated screwing up?! It was like throwing all His hard work in me back in His face. I let Satan beat me with the guilt Saturday night and early on into Sunday, but suprisingly, through God's plan and not my own I am sure, I didn't actually end up attending Horizon like normal. I went, they had a combined service at 10 am, I was clearly late, so I ended up driving to the Crux on 96th St. God knew I needed to hear that message that morning. At one point the pastor said, "God always desires a relationship with us. Even if we're Christians and have screwed up and feel like our sin is too big for Him to handle, He still wants a relationship with us, even if it is a restored relationship." It was interesting to hear him say that and my heart lurched when he did b/c I had been praying very shortly before that that God would restore the dark parts of my heart I begrudgingly yield to Him. I felt like God said to me that morning, "Stace, I love you and I want to extend my forgiveness to you." What sweet words from my Savior they were to me.

On another not, I started work at the doctor's office today-- BORING. I felt like snoring like my patients on the table, but that might have been slightly inappropriate. haha. I'm going to stick it out for two more days, but I am not convinced that I will go back after I return from India. It just makes me feel suffocated to do so. *Sigh. Anyway, I should head to bed...5:30 am rolls around quickly...

I also wanted to share some lyrics from a song Suzanne introduced to me tonight that really touched me heart. It's by Caedmon's Call and is entitled "Mother India."

Father God, You have shed Your tears for Mother India
They have fallen to water ancient seeds
That will grow into hands to touch the untouchable How blessed are the poor, the sick, the weak
Father, forgive me, for I have not believed
Like Mother India, I have groaned and grieved
Father, forgive me, I forgot Your grace
Your Spirit falls on India and captures me in Your embrace
The serpent spoke and the world believed its venom
Now we're ten to a room or compared with magazines There's a land where our shackles turn to diamonds
Where we trade in our rags for a royal crown
In that place, our oppressors hold no power
And the doors of the King are thrown wide.

Here is a link to a YouTube video set to this song.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gRlynYaRAO4

Lord,

I am overwhelmed with your goodness tonight. I asked this morning that you would place an ever appreciative heart in me, that I would never ever forget what you have rescued me from or the incredible sacrifice you made. You were so faithful to that prayer today...

Thank you for your love for me. Thank you that you provide and that you bring encouragement and blessings in the moments I need them most. Thank you for preparing a way for me and for surrounding me with people that love you first. Thank you, Father, that you go to battle for me every single moment and that when I am weakest, your power is made perfect. Thank you that you choose to take a messy, broken vessel like me and use it to glorify you. Thank you that you call the brokenhearted to freedom and redemption. Thank you for granting words of wisdom and boldness in sticky life situations. Thank you for being bigger than every single one of those situations. Thank you for fellow believers and for the body of Christ and for opening my eyes to the incredible "team" and network that people have in common when they follow you. Thank you for your power and thank you for the victory. Thank you for sending Jesus not only so that I could have eternal life, but also so that I now have a life by which to measure my own-- thank you for sending him as the perfect example of a life lived in total submission to you.

God, I ask right now that you would continue preparing my heart as well as the hearts of Jess and Elizabeth to do your ministry in India. I pray that you would continue to go before us and prepare the hearts of the people we will be interacting with and that in some small way, our lives may point them to you. Continue to speak in HUGE ways and provide vision for the work that you have planned there and Lord, may the attacks of Satan prove futile. I ask for eyes and ears to see individual needs of people and then the enablement to help meet those needs. I pray for hearts that break at the plight of your people and an eternal perspective that takes us far outside ourselves. It is my prayer that we never become proud or haughty, but that we would continually be humbled at your feet and focused on you. Lord, I ask that you continue to bind our hearts together as one in your love. And Father, I ask that you would grant us a sensitivity to your Spirit, that we may be able to grow in knowledge and discernment and continually be molded into the women that you desire us to be. This ministry is yours...you get all the glory for it and I am just so thankful to be a part of it. Protect us as we go about our days tomorrow and may we be in constant fellowship with you.

I also pray for those that are supporting the ministry both through prayer and monetary means. Bless them abundantly, Lord, and may India stretch and grow them as well. I pray it would continue to touch lives and have a much wider scope and eternal impact than I could ever fathom.

You are an amazing God and I praise and thank you now. May you always be glorified. I love you.

let's just say that tonight both at work and after was a blessing. thanks for the prayers-- they are making all the difference. it never ceases to amaze me how God meets me where i am and provides for my every need. He brought people into the restaurant tonight that encouraged me and shared words with me that blessed me. for that i am thankful, especially when the last few weeks there have been such a struggle. God goes before me every single day and i rest in that promise tonight.

after work i was able to chat with a good friend of mine. so so so so thankful for him in my life, even if he's hundreds of miles away.

planning on meeting susan tomorrow on my DAY OFF! and walking the monon together. hopefully it's sunny. i'll put in a request to the Big Guy. afterwards, i'm actually headed back into the restaurant, but as a guest instead. dina, kate, and i will be eating heavy italian food after their shopping trip. can't wait. ha!

continuing to seek Truth...

In 15 days I will sitting in coach on a huge airplane awaiting take-off and embarking on a 22.5 hr. flight. One might say I am appropriately freaking out at this point. Not only do I hate flying, but it's just so hard to imagine that what I have been praying about since August is actually coming to pass. There has been a slight hold-up with my visa recently, but I am hoping to fax the appropriate documents today and have it all straightened out. India, visas, traveling solo (without the 'rents), 6 weeks halfway around the world-- I feel so grown up. There are many things to see to before I head off as well and I just don't know how it will all get done...A crazy work schedule isn't leaving me a whole lot of time to do much else. I am planning on taking off the last few days before I leave to tie up any loose ends.

I stayed at IWU Thursday night with Liz, Jess, Emily, and Shauna and had such a great time. I originally went b/c Liz, Jess, and I needed to meet concerning our trip. As a result of that meeting, I now have 12 devotions and 1 sermon to prepare and a whole lot of praying to do. Liz shared that she believes the three of us are going b/c we all have a specific duty to do while there. Although we will all be interacting with the staff and the children, she has felt like the Spirit has laid on her heart some areas that we should each focus on. As she was talking, I felt a lump form in my throat and tears well up in my eyes b/c it amazes me how the Holy Spirit can speak to people that are listening. Without wanting to put constraints on us, she shared that she thought Jess would mainly be focusing on little children while she would be pouring into the staff. She felt as if my gifts could best be used with the adolescent girls which is interesting b/c that is exactly the age group God has given me a heart for. I am praying now that God would show me more clearly what He desires that ministry to look like. I think I have always had a heart for adolescent girls b/c when I was that age, I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. I know that my struggles here in the U.S. (eating disorder, depression, overachieving for validation, etc.) are different than the struggles these girls have within their society, but the message is the same: no matter what you are going through, God is faithful and He loves you and promises to stand by your side. That message alone is such a vital one to communicate. I am thrilled that God has shown Liz something He gave me a heart for long ago. Young girls are valuable and they have so much to offer our world. Hopefully in some small way, they can feel empowered by that knowledge.

If you're reading this, please also be praying against spiritual attack. Satan has been using his best tactics on me lately and some days, I hate to admit, I give up the fight. Work has been especially hard this summer and I have only been there 2 weeks! My old friends are gone, new coworkers have arrived, and I have to re-establish my identity with these new people. It's hard to be a good example always and I feel like more this summer than last that my appearance and singleness is hindering that example. For anyone that knows me, I have struggled with seeking validation from men from the time I was in middle school. I always wanted to be with the guy that every other girl wanted to prove that I was indeed worth something. And even when I was with that guy, I still wanted to be wanted by all the others. In the least arrogant way I can say it, that worked for me for a number of years. For the past three years at college however, God has been purging me of that need in my life, revealing to me that He alone counts me worthy and I don't need men telling me I'm beautiful to feel great about myself. How do I know this? Well, for these three years, I can count on one finger the number of boys that have complimented my appearance-- and that was during our brief dating stint. It has been good for me, but very hard at times too, wondering if anyone in the whole world thinks I'm attractive anymore. Ha. Sounds silly, right? Coming back to work though, Satan has grabbed ahold of an area of my life that hinders my walk with Christ. He has brought men that are not afraid to tell me what they think of me or ask me out. Just yesterday, I was asked out 3 times in 10 minutes. I'm not kidding either. The standard is completely different for men that don't follow Christ. One gentleman in particular has been especially vocal. I know he is a womanizer, he told me so himself, but there is something still so appealing about him. And even though his words toward me are completely disrespectful and probably vulgar, it's flattering and makes me feel desirable. I don't have feelings for him in the slightest-- we don't share anything emotionally or spiritually in common, but I would be lying if I said there was not a physical attraction there. I hate it really and I want it to go away. I feel pathetic saying that the affections of men make me feel like a woman and confident in that femininity. I am praying for FREEDOM from this and ask that you be praying for it as well. Right now I do not desire that anything would get in the way or distract my trip to India. Please pray for boldness, perseverance, and focus until I can literally escape this in 15 days. Eventually I will have to overcome the underlying issue, but for now I simply want to flee.

Thanks for sticking with me through this and for sharing in my struggles with me. A lot more has been going on lately that I hope to journal about soon, but clearly this is lengthy so until then, stay faithful. God is good.

getting excited... :)

whew. these last few days have been a WHIRLWIND. a really good one, but still a whirlwind. my boss messed up my schedule, so i didn't start work until this morning (a day i told her i could not work, mind you). a lot of good came out of the 5-day delay though...mom and i drove to north carolina wednesday to surprise jules! she totally freaked out and cried when she saw us-- it was worth the 13 hours cooped up in the car with my mom (and the 13 hours back, i suppose). ha. we enjoyed our time. i met her class one morning, went shopping another day, went out to dinner and had dinner made for us by pete, went to watch jules coach softball, visited the airborne museum, etc etc etc. i'm so glad we went.

when i got back at 8:10 last night, i hurried to take the fastest shower of my life and then met ashley and kallie at pizza hut at 8:30. impressed? :) we chatted until 10:30ish and it was great. i love hearing how God is moving and causing others to grow. what a blessing.

because of my late night and exhaustion from being in the car all day, i decided to wait and pack all my things for my move to indy this morning--bad life decision. i had to be at work at 10 am, so when my alarm went off at 7:00 so i could be adequately prepared, it was not a good moment for me. i slept until 7:35. i was rushing around like a mad woman, but actually managed to get to work on time. i am glad to be back at maggiano's, although the vulgarity started early on. trey said, "welcome back, stace!" after some lewd comments were made. i did meet a fellow Christian today though-- the only one in the restaurant i believe. he's new...comes from muncie and has a wife and 8 kids he's trying to support. lost his job as a mortgage broker along with 3000 others at his bank and the market is just not good for him right now. still, we talked about how God wil provide. He always does.

i got let go early today and came back to the house to unload my things. i was here for a bit and then drove to pick up jess to go to our meeting in anderson about INDIA. i leave four weeks from tomorrow. holy cow. it was such a blessing to meet with tom and rhonda, steve and lynn, eric, liz, and jess, and i learned A LOT. mainly about things to be prepared for, watch out for, etc. but also about the indian culture a bit more. the children we will be ministering to are mostly Christian but come from families that have very strong hindu backgrounds. hope home is unique in that it is a Christian orphanage, but it serves destitute and non-Christian families. i discovered tonight that most orphanages in India are Christian but essentially are Christian boarding schools for children that come from 2-parent Christian homes. tom touched on the fact that the church should be taking care of its own, not an orphanage. he wanted hope home to be a place to reach the destitute and lost. what a great vision it has been. he also explained that in indian society, the children we are going to be loving are considered to be some of the "untouchables," the lowest caste in india. they come from generations of untouchables because in their country, no one tries to better their status in life because they see their caste placement as punishment for sins from a past life. they simply try to be good people within their life situation in hopes that in the next life, they will come back as part of a higher caste. in america, we believe that if you are born poor, there can be a way out-- pull yourselves up by your bootstraps essentially. there, there is no progress because their status is divinely appointed. the thought of that killed me tonight. they are "untouchable" because of their sin? that is so backward from what Jesus taught-- He came to save the lost. it is the sick that need a doctor, not the well, right? *sigh. as sad as that is, it only makes me more excited to love and show affection to children that might never have had it before in their life. they are worth something-- they have something to offer the world. it is my prayer now that God would give me eyes to see the needs of individuals and then the strength and enablement to help meet that need. i am ready to be broken for His people and i am ready to serve.

empty me, Lord, so that i can be Your vessel alone.