In 15 days I will sitting in coach on a huge airplane awaiting take-off and embarking on a 22.5 hr. flight. One might say I am appropriately freaking out at this point. Not only do I hate flying, but it's just so hard to imagine that what I have been praying about since August is actually coming to pass. There has been a slight hold-up with my visa recently, but I am hoping to fax the appropriate documents today and have it all straightened out. India, visas, traveling solo (without the 'rents), 6 weeks halfway around the world-- I feel so grown up. There are many things to see to before I head off as well and I just don't know how it will all get done...A crazy work schedule isn't leaving me a whole lot of time to do much else. I am planning on taking off the last few days before I leave to tie up any loose ends.

I stayed at IWU Thursday night with Liz, Jess, Emily, and Shauna and had such a great time. I originally went b/c Liz, Jess, and I needed to meet concerning our trip. As a result of that meeting, I now have 12 devotions and 1 sermon to prepare and a whole lot of praying to do. Liz shared that she believes the three of us are going b/c we all have a specific duty to do while there. Although we will all be interacting with the staff and the children, she has felt like the Spirit has laid on her heart some areas that we should each focus on. As she was talking, I felt a lump form in my throat and tears well up in my eyes b/c it amazes me how the Holy Spirit can speak to people that are listening. Without wanting to put constraints on us, she shared that she thought Jess would mainly be focusing on little children while she would be pouring into the staff. She felt as if my gifts could best be used with the adolescent girls which is interesting b/c that is exactly the age group God has given me a heart for. I am praying now that God would show me more clearly what He desires that ministry to look like. I think I have always had a heart for adolescent girls b/c when I was that age, I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. I know that my struggles here in the U.S. (eating disorder, depression, overachieving for validation, etc.) are different than the struggles these girls have within their society, but the message is the same: no matter what you are going through, God is faithful and He loves you and promises to stand by your side. That message alone is such a vital one to communicate. I am thrilled that God has shown Liz something He gave me a heart for long ago. Young girls are valuable and they have so much to offer our world. Hopefully in some small way, they can feel empowered by that knowledge.

If you're reading this, please also be praying against spiritual attack. Satan has been using his best tactics on me lately and some days, I hate to admit, I give up the fight. Work has been especially hard this summer and I have only been there 2 weeks! My old friends are gone, new coworkers have arrived, and I have to re-establish my identity with these new people. It's hard to be a good example always and I feel like more this summer than last that my appearance and singleness is hindering that example. For anyone that knows me, I have struggled with seeking validation from men from the time I was in middle school. I always wanted to be with the guy that every other girl wanted to prove that I was indeed worth something. And even when I was with that guy, I still wanted to be wanted by all the others. In the least arrogant way I can say it, that worked for me for a number of years. For the past three years at college however, God has been purging me of that need in my life, revealing to me that He alone counts me worthy and I don't need men telling me I'm beautiful to feel great about myself. How do I know this? Well, for these three years, I can count on one finger the number of boys that have complimented my appearance-- and that was during our brief dating stint. It has been good for me, but very hard at times too, wondering if anyone in the whole world thinks I'm attractive anymore. Ha. Sounds silly, right? Coming back to work though, Satan has grabbed ahold of an area of my life that hinders my walk with Christ. He has brought men that are not afraid to tell me what they think of me or ask me out. Just yesterday, I was asked out 3 times in 10 minutes. I'm not kidding either. The standard is completely different for men that don't follow Christ. One gentleman in particular has been especially vocal. I know he is a womanizer, he told me so himself, but there is something still so appealing about him. And even though his words toward me are completely disrespectful and probably vulgar, it's flattering and makes me feel desirable. I don't have feelings for him in the slightest-- we don't share anything emotionally or spiritually in common, but I would be lying if I said there was not a physical attraction there. I hate it really and I want it to go away. I feel pathetic saying that the affections of men make me feel like a woman and confident in that femininity. I am praying for FREEDOM from this and ask that you be praying for it as well. Right now I do not desire that anything would get in the way or distract my trip to India. Please pray for boldness, perseverance, and focus until I can literally escape this in 15 days. Eventually I will have to overcome the underlying issue, but for now I simply want to flee.

Thanks for sticking with me through this and for sharing in my struggles with me. A lot more has been going on lately that I hope to journal about soon, but clearly this is lengthy so until then, stay faithful. God is good.