Countdown: 7 Days

So much has happened these last few weeks and I don't even know how to begin to communicate it all. I feel like I say that so often, but it is incredibly true.

I'll begin by saying that God has amazed me with the responses of other believers to my trip. When I am having an incredibly difficult and trying time in the restaurant during work and I am praying, begging God to help me, He brings me tables of Christians and other people that ask me what I'm doing with my summer, etc. It opens the door to talking about India and I have been nothing short of encouraged by the interest in God's work there by complete strangers and loved ones alike. It is more than I ever could have asked for. Ever. And more often than not, sacred moments of sharing India with people help me get through my nights. After small group last week, I stopped by Monte's insurance office to pick up a support check in the morning. I won't share b/c they wouldn't want me to, but they helped provide for my trip abundantly more than I could have ever asked for also. My eyes immediately filled with tears-- there is no way in the world I deserve such generosity-- and I said, "I don't deserve this." He gave me a look to which I quickly replied, "but God does." I am fairly sure his eyes filled with tears as well as he said, "That's right. And we are glad to be able to do it. You will be such a blessing to those children." I couldn't do much more than say thanks-- words were escaping me at the moment and well, I was choked up. I had a similar moment with Susan's mom in her driveway last week. She explained to me that although she may not be able to go right now, she has the means to send. And although I may not have the means to send myself, I am able to go. She said, "We are a team," and for the first time, I realized her words were true. When people have contacted me to donate to this ministry, I feel embarrassed and unworthy and a bit like a charity case. (Forgive me-- it is a result of years of learned behavior regarding this area of my life.) I mean, I am thankful beyond words, but I have never been a gracious receiver. Understanding that the money is God's money and not mine helps me handle that. Through my moments with Kathy and with Monte, I have seen the Body of Christ in a tangible way. I have seen their joy in giving and the confidence and trust they are putting in little ol' piddly me to be faithful to the ministry and to their contribution by being wholly committed to India. Wow. What a challenge, but also what a privilege.

The spiritual attack has not lessened at all in fact and this weekend Satan caught me at my worst. I failed-- pretty miserably actually-- and even was at a place where I thought I should call Liz, tell her I was completely unqualified, and that I could not travel to India. Of course, that was blowing what happened a teensy bit out of proportion, but after God has shown me so much, grown me in amazing ways, and surrounded me with so much support, how in the world could I even contemplated screwing up?! It was like throwing all His hard work in me back in His face. I let Satan beat me with the guilt Saturday night and early on into Sunday, but suprisingly, through God's plan and not my own I am sure, I didn't actually end up attending Horizon like normal. I went, they had a combined service at 10 am, I was clearly late, so I ended up driving to the Crux on 96th St. God knew I needed to hear that message that morning. At one point the pastor said, "God always desires a relationship with us. Even if we're Christians and have screwed up and feel like our sin is too big for Him to handle, He still wants a relationship with us, even if it is a restored relationship." It was interesting to hear him say that and my heart lurched when he did b/c I had been praying very shortly before that that God would restore the dark parts of my heart I begrudgingly yield to Him. I felt like God said to me that morning, "Stace, I love you and I want to extend my forgiveness to you." What sweet words from my Savior they were to me.

On another not, I started work at the doctor's office today-- BORING. I felt like snoring like my patients on the table, but that might have been slightly inappropriate. haha. I'm going to stick it out for two more days, but I am not convinced that I will go back after I return from India. It just makes me feel suffocated to do so. *Sigh. Anyway, I should head to bed...5:30 am rolls around quickly...