do not fear.

i wish i had the cure for worry. i've slept approximately 6 hours in the last 48 and here i am wide awake with so much on my mind. i hate to be vague (and my last post was uncharacteristically transparent), but it just makes me cringe sometimes when i read things on facebook, etc. that are better left to yourself. i wish i had better news to report since i wrote that post on february 9th, but the truth is things have only gotten harder. for the last few weeks i thought things were looking up... it was as if i could feel the prayers being lifted on ben and i's behalf and i had hope for the first time in months. but for some reason this past week, we took 1 step forward and 10 back. i think i posted back in december about ben's health issues and wishing we had answers...there are still no answers and we are becoming desperate both as individuals and as a couple. 

i wish that i could post something really happy and uplifting like the blogs of those i read. i would love to post about something crafty i'm doing or about the really fun weekend we had or even about the new, great recipe we tried. but the truth is, our life has become debilitated by what's going on and i have nothing but piles of laundry, dishes, and layers of dust building up in my house and this blog to share my feelings with. not exactly the greatest writing material. those things just haven't been the priority. oh, and if you're reading this and wondering where your wedding thank-you is...most have been written since october, but that too has just not been the priority. it's amazing the things that don't seem important anymore...hence the reason i haven't had a shower in three days. ha.

i was reading lamentations 3 to ben last night before he fell asleep and i just couldn't help but feel like i might have written it myself. the writer feels abandoned, alone, like his prayers are not being heard...but deep down inside somewhere, recognizes God's goodness and he hopes again. i just want to be able to hope again...to not be afraid to pray for blessing and only be met with disappointment and heartache. i'll leave you with some of the verses that resonate with me, but if you're reading this and you're a praying person, please pray. we're in the middle of the fire. (and i'm pretty sure i just became that post that makes me cringe sometimes. oh well. life is messy.)

lam. 3 

 ⁷ He has walled me in, and I cannot escape.
      He has bound me in heavy chains.
 ⁸ And though I cry and shout,
      he has shut out my prayers.

¹¹ He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces,
      leaving me helpless and devastated.

 ¹⁵ He has filled me with bitterness
      and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.

  ¹⁷ Peace has been stripped away,
      and I have forgotten what prosperity is.
 ¹⁸ I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
      Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”

 ¹⁹ The thought of my suffering and homelessness
      is bitter beyond words.
 ²⁰ I will never forget this awful time,
      as I grieve over my loss.
 ²¹ Yet I still dare to hope
      when I remember this:

 ²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
      His mercies never cease.
 ²³ Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.
 ²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
      therefore, I will hope in him!”

 ²⁵ The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
      to those who search for him.
 ²⁶ So it is good to wait quietly
      for salvation from the Lord.

 ³¹ For no one is abandoned
      by the Lord forever.
 ³² Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
      because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
 ³³ For he does not enjoy hurting people
      or causing them sorrow.

⁵⁵ ...I called on your name, Lord,
      from deep within the pit.
 ⁵⁶ You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading!
      Hear my cry for help!”
 ⁵⁷ Yes, you came when I called;
      you told me, “Do not fear.”