conflict.

i've never really known how to respond to conflict...i'm usually the one that individuals in conflict come to for an ear to listen. i give advice, empathize, try to see the argument from both sides, but to be honest, i've never really had a legitimate fight with any of my friends. i avoid arguments and confrontation and hurting others' feelings at all costs. i hate the thought of someone else hurting because of something i did.

tonight (or this morning), i am the one in the middle of conflict. or rather, i'm the one that took a pretty severe lashing. i've been emotional for the last two hours and i'm really hoping the ibuprofen will stave off a headache for in the morning. as for the puffy eyes, i don't have a remedy. my charge nurse asked me if i'd like to go home early and i'm not sure what gave it away. it was either my blotchy cheeks or my cherry-tomato looking eyes. i thankfully accepted her offer and managed to cry all the way home and in the grocery store. good thing it was 2 am and not too many shoppers were around.

without going into too many details, i inadvertently hurt someone's feelings at work. the original incident lasted all of 5 seconds and no one else involved thought twice about it...except for our nursing tech. she pulled me aside later to yell at me. maybe it is my cultural ignorance and naivety, but never in a million years did i think my actions would cause someone to take offense, let alone say they never want to speak to me again. if i embarrassed her or hurt her feelings, i was more than willing to apologize--i tried actually--but what hurt me more than anything was the fact that she has gotten to know me and thinks i'm the type of person that would intentionally try and do that.

no one else aware of the situation thinks that this blow-up has anything to do with me at all, but more than likely a much bigger personal issue. so, how do i respond? everything inside me wants to reason with her, to tell her that i in no way wanted to hurt her, to apologize and receive her forgiveness. it drives me absolutely crazy to think there's a person in this world that dislikes me. i want all to be well and i'm not sure that's an option in this situation. i've been praying for this situation and for her and i'm still not sure i will ever be okay just letting it be.

i've always envied people that don't care what others think, but that's not me. maybe there never will be a solution. quite possibly i will live out these awkward next three weeks and go to nicu with an unresolved conflict. i hate it, but maybe God is trying to teach me something too...