struggling.

i've been home for 36 hours now and maybe it's too soon to write...i don't know, but i have so many thoughts floating around my head and it's driving me crazy not to have anywhere to put them. so maybe it is too soon to talk about certain things concerning my time in india as i haven't even really begun to process, but i do know i want to ask for prayer concerning my readjustment.

i woke up yesterday morning feeling completely lost. it is the weirdest thing to sleep in the home i have occupied for 16 years and still feel like a stranger within its walls. i look out the window and don't see copious amounts of trash in the street and think how odd it is. i see woman wearing shorts and tanktops and think about how immodest they look. i open up my refrigerator and marvel at cold drinking water. i walked into the grocery store last night and was shocked at the all the food on the shelves and how i didn't have to think twice about whether it was safe to eat or not. i cried spending almost $4.00 on a gallon of milk, knowing that it is more expensive than some people's weekly wages. i don't know where to start. yesterday i sat at this computer and uploaded photos and just stared for hours. i miss them. i miss them with everything in me and i desperately want to go back. returning to the states has been harder than i imagined and i suppose reverse culture shock is setting in in the worst way. after two days of travel and no shower or sleep, i said to liz, "we look like we've been through Hell and back." she said, "back? i don't think we're through it yet." at this moment, i would have to agree. i'm not angry like i thought i might be...yet. it is more that my heart feels completely broken. knowing that i cannot just walk down the path to see my precious children kills me inside. vividly recalling their tear-stained faces and racking sobs as we said our goodbyes haunt me. i don't know where to start. i am at a loss on how to begin comprehending what has just happened to me and how it fits into my world here, as i feel like i have no one who can truly 100% understand. please, if you are reading, be praying. my world has been turned upside down and i feel like a foreigner in my own home. i feel panicky sometimes and so i choose to be in denial at moments, but i don't want to deny the change in my heart just because it hurts too much to think about people i love suffering there. pray that God would give me the strength to fully face what He has showed me and that He would be the One to help me through the transition process. pray that india would change lives and that God would give others a love for His beautiful people there as well. i promise when i begin to figure things out, i will share about the many happenings during my last weeks there, but for now, i need to be left alone with my thoughts and with Jesus. thank you all for your prayers even now-- they make all the difference. love you all.

well, this will officially be my last update while i'm in india. i cannot put into words how much God has shown up, how faithful He has been to our prayers, and how evident His presence has been as He has walked beside us every step of the way. i have never felt so inadequate for such a long period of time before, but i have learned to be okay with that because it just means that God gets all the glory and gets to do all the work! as i contemplate leaving this place, my mind and heart are overwhelmed by God's goodness and i try to remember to be thankful that i ever got to be a part of these people's lives rather than being sad that i won't be soon. it amazes me that we serve a God that can bind hearts together despite a very obvious language and cultural barrier and more than ever before, i believe God hears my prayers and that He answers every single one of them!

yesterday we met with the Indian board of directors and presented them with the extra money that you all blessed us with. it was truly a "God moment" in the room with them, as we cried sharing with them the impact this place has had upon our lives and then told them how we wanted to bless them. we were able to provide funds for 2 sewing machines, a staff member salary for three years, purchase English Bibles for all the staff members, put on a feast for the children, and help cover extra expenses they have for the children's food, fuel, clothing, etc. that is not being covered by sponsors right now. so thank you thank you thank you for your part in that. they were so blessed by it and after weeks in prayer about where to allocate the money, we feel confident that it truly was what God had in mind.

i have two more days with my children here, so you can bet i will be soaking up every last moment with them. again, i will be updating extensively when i get home, but please continue to pray. jessica has been down with a fairly severe stomach flu for almost two days, so please pray for her recovery and that elizabeth and i do not catch it! we do not want to be traveling home sick!!!

i will continue to pray for all of you and cannot wait to share about all of God's many blessings during my time away when i return. to Him be all the glory and honor and praise! love you all!

just a little guy today...

last time i promised that i would be a better steward of my time, but today, there is no time! 30 minutes, slow internet, etc. doesn't leave me with much time to update. but i do want to thank you all for your emails and comments as they are such an encouragement to me. i know i have been saying it, but i cannot express my heartfelt gratitude in knowing that you all are praying for us! you're doing the hard work half a world away, so thank you for joining our team and being a part of the amazing ministry God has in India.

i would like to say that church last week went well. it was the one thing i was dreading all week and it turned out to be the biggest blessing yet. God worked a miracle, but that will have to wait. the week back with the children has been absolutely incredible (as usual) and i have been shedding many tears in anticipation of coming home. i wish that i could say that i desire to leave, that i want to come back, but the God's honest truth is that i could stay here forever. Johnson keeps offering, but i told him my mom might not appreciate that. he says she can come too. ha. i can truly say that this place has become one of my favorite places in all the earth. as we enter our last week here, and i know it will fly by, please be praying that God would be preparing our hearts to leave and that anything He desires to communicate and teach His people here through us would be accomplished before we go. please pray for His comfort, as i feel my heart breaking every moment now. thank you all! i wish i could write more, but most go! updates when i get home to come! 8 days! love you all and may His blessings pour out upon you this week as He blesses abundantly here!