struggling.

i've been home for 36 hours now and maybe it's too soon to write...i don't know, but i have so many thoughts floating around my head and it's driving me crazy not to have anywhere to put them. so maybe it is too soon to talk about certain things concerning my time in india as i haven't even really begun to process, but i do know i want to ask for prayer concerning my readjustment.

i woke up yesterday morning feeling completely lost. it is the weirdest thing to sleep in the home i have occupied for 16 years and still feel like a stranger within its walls. i look out the window and don't see copious amounts of trash in the street and think how odd it is. i see woman wearing shorts and tanktops and think about how immodest they look. i open up my refrigerator and marvel at cold drinking water. i walked into the grocery store last night and was shocked at the all the food on the shelves and how i didn't have to think twice about whether it was safe to eat or not. i cried spending almost $4.00 on a gallon of milk, knowing that it is more expensive than some people's weekly wages. i don't know where to start. yesterday i sat at this computer and uploaded photos and just stared for hours. i miss them. i miss them with everything in me and i desperately want to go back. returning to the states has been harder than i imagined and i suppose reverse culture shock is setting in in the worst way. after two days of travel and no shower or sleep, i said to liz, "we look like we've been through Hell and back." she said, "back? i don't think we're through it yet." at this moment, i would have to agree. i'm not angry like i thought i might be...yet. it is more that my heart feels completely broken. knowing that i cannot just walk down the path to see my precious children kills me inside. vividly recalling their tear-stained faces and racking sobs as we said our goodbyes haunt me. i don't know where to start. i am at a loss on how to begin comprehending what has just happened to me and how it fits into my world here, as i feel like i have no one who can truly 100% understand. please, if you are reading, be praying. my world has been turned upside down and i feel like a foreigner in my own home. i feel panicky sometimes and so i choose to be in denial at moments, but i don't want to deny the change in my heart just because it hurts too much to think about people i love suffering there. pray that God would give me the strength to fully face what He has showed me and that He would be the One to help me through the transition process. pray that india would change lives and that God would give others a love for His beautiful people there as well. i promise when i begin to figure things out, i will share about the many happenings during my last weeks there, but for now, i need to be left alone with my thoughts and with Jesus. thank you all for your prayers even now-- they make all the difference. love you all.