it's days like today that make me want to run back to india. i mean, i want to do that everyday, but some are worse than others. today was one of those. 13 hours working in the restaurant with no break. i'm not even necessarily complaining about that because i had fairly good tables and nice people, but i am so hungry for some Christian fellowship. i need it in the worst way right now. everyone there makes me feel tired and weary and empty inside...it's like they suck the joy and Jesus right out of me. i try and try and try to talk about Him as much as possible, try to remind myself that i am working for Him and not for man, try to be the example of love that He woud want me to be, but dangit! it's hard to love like Jesus does. in india, it was simple. it's easy to love children that run for you when they see you coming. it's easy to serve and be caring toward such humble and broken people. my heart could not help but cry out for them. but here, it's hard. people are stubborn and sinful and hateful and AH! i just want to give up the fight and tell them what i think!!! i want to stop being kind and going the extra mile to help them out when i know i would never receive the favor in return. i want to call them mean names and gossip about them like everyone else does. my flesh longs to do so many things and yet, i cannot. God calls me to a higher standard. oh, how easy my life would be except for that. empty? probably, but i'm feeling pretty discontent right now. it makes me angry that i'm called to love these people...what a terrible heart condition. it makes me sick that i'm at this place to be honest. what kind of a person begrudges praying for others and serving them?

oh, Jesus, please help me love the way You do. please forgive me and fill me to overflowing with your Spirit. i'm tired and weary and i feel all broken apart inside. take my burdens, i pray. i want to know contentment and i want You to be enough. please, Jesus, i'm asking You to come and dwell in me fully. help me love You well. once again, i lay my life at Your feet for Your taking. be glorified.