unbelief.

i'm a conundrum of emotions this morning, but that pretty much sums up the way i've felt most of the summer...but this conundrum isn't due to the MANY transitions my life has gone through in a matter of months or the fact that i did my first set of chest compressions on a woman yesterday, watched her regain a pulse, tell her family she loved them, and then pass away an hour later. it is not from the joy of being engaged only to realize the stress of making wedding decisions all while considering everyone else's feelngs, opinions, and schedules, nor is it from being in lexington, virtually without a soul i know, trying to find my place. i am a conundrum of emotions...

my faith is being tested.
i am being stretched.
it hurts.
and i really prefer that it would stop.

over the last few weeks, i have felt unsettled in my relationship with the Lord, like things could be and have been so much more than they are right now. i have been more than inconsistent in my devotional life and because of that, more hesistant to do it when i actually desire it and set my mind to it-- why? well, if Jesus were my actual tangible best friend kate, i'd be pretty afraid to approach her and discuss why i've been so in and out of her life lately, using her only for my benefit...i would expect her anger. i know the Lord is far more gracious and loving and merciful than my best friend kate, but in those moments, my unworthiness is so evident and i become ashamed and wonder what gives me the right to enter into His presence...but, as the Scriptures say, God is faithful even when I am not because He cannot deny Himself (2 tim 2:13). faithfulness is so etched into His character that even when i am completely failing on my end of things, it is impossible for Him to fail me. this feeling of being unsettled (and some very strategic sermons aimed directly at me) have brought me to a place of action. i can't continue on like this...and i don't want to. i don't want to just go through the motions. this past sunday at church the pastor said, "a radical love requires a radical commitment." Jesus radically loves me. i am praying He would teach me how to radically love Him and live for only Him in return.

my eyes have been opened to the complacency of my relationship with Him, but He has also spoken very clearly into my life the last few days. this is what i refer to when i say my faith is being tested. some of the things He has asked me to do are already being challenged. i am meeting opposition and i don't yet feel ready to fight back. but i suppose that has been a glitch in my thinking all along...i don't need to fight. He will. Him through me. i will admit that i'm struggling however. one thing God has asked me to do is believe someone in my life that i feel has betrayed me, to go against all human wisdom and an overwhelming amount of evidence and simply trust someone He has called me to trust. at times i feel ready to do this...but as i let my mind wander, get my eyes off of Him, and consider the situation, all i can say is, "it is impossible! there is no way i can trust what is being said...it makes no sense." inadvertantly, i believe God is teaching me a lesson about myself. but asking me to have faith and be gracious and loving in a situation that is hard for me to swallow and wrap my mind around? i'm at a crossroads of sorts, but i am determined to be obedient, to listen and follow the Lord even when it doesn't add up. it's hard. really, really hard. and my faith is so small.

Lord, help my unbelief.