hold her heart, Lord.

right now, i'm exhausted. i just arrived home after working five of the last six nights and although i'm fairly sure i could drift off to sleep and wake up on wednesday, my mind is reeling.

some lyrics keep playing over and over again as the tears continually well up in my eyes...

one tear in the driving rain,
one voice in a sea of pain
could the maker of the stars
hear the sound of my breaking heart?
one life, that's all I am
right now I can barely stand
if You're everything You say You are
would You come close and hold my heart?

i feel like his mother might be singing this song right now. i can only picture her crying over her young son as he laid dying, the sister leaning over her brother and begging him to "get up!" i can only imagine the 100 people that showed up at the hospital after this young man's accident whose lives are forever altered by his death. so young...so much more life to live...gone. forever. there's no turning back for him now. whatever decisions he made in life, whoever he chose to worship, he's facing the consequences of those actions now. it's so...final. after he passed, his mother asked if she could take him home and put him in bed. when she left, she had so many questions about where his body would go, what she should do, etc. she sobbed and through tears managed to say, "for the first time in my life, i don't know what to do for my child." my heart broke.

i heard this same mother pray and thank the Lord for giving him to her if only for a short time. i imagine she'll be questioning a lot of things in weeks to come and that her faith may not always be as strong as it was in the moments shortly before his passing...i'm praying she remembers that God truly is holding her heart close, even in moments when a tragedy like this does not make sense to anyone.

kids make me chuckle.

surprise! i'm unmotivated. i should be finishing my paper due thursday, but instead i thought i'd share a moment from this weekend that brought a HUGE smile to my face and a few (stifled) chuckles.

phone conversation with ethan and emily while they were at my parents' house:
me: hi, dad. can i talk to the kids?
dad: ethan, do you want to talk to aunt stacey? (i hear a "no".) emily, do you want to talk to aunt stacey?
emily: hello?
me: hey, emily! how are you? are you having fun?
emily: yeah...
me: well, you know i'm getting married, right? i'm sort of in need of a flower girl...would you want to be my flower girl?
emily: well...i don't know. i'm planning.
me: you're planning? planning what?
emily: i'm not sure i can...i'll have to ask mommy. what can ethan be?
me: he can be a ring bearer and i'm going to ask him if he'll get on the phone with me.
ethan: hello?
me: oh hi, ethan! hey, you know i'm getting married, right? i'm in need of a ring...
ethan: yes. (me giggling. i haven't even asked yet...)
me: so you think you might want to be my ring bearer?
ethan: yes! i've only been wanting this for nine days now! (more giggling...)
me: well, good! now if you can only help me convince emily to be my flower girl.
ethan: (pauses.) i'm not too sure i'm very good at convincing.
me: oh, it's ok, buddy. can you just put em back on the phone?
mom: hi, stace!
me: mom! what are you doing? i was just going to ask emily to be my flower girl...
mom: oh, ok. i'll put her back on.
me: so emily, do you think you might want to be my flower girl? it would make me really happy!
emily: i'll have to ask my mommy if i can.
me: i've already talked to your mommy, emily. she said it's ok, but it just depends on if you want to or not.
emily: oh. ok. i guess i'll be it.

ethan's so excited he can't even hold his response back until i've asked the question and emily "guesses" she'll be my flower girl. ha. mom assured me they both had big smiles on their face after our conversation however. can't wait to see them both dressed up and adorable in june!!! :)

also, i know i wrote about some possible big life changes a while back...they're becoming more real than i imagined and i feel confused as to what to do. please continue to pray. i'll update about it when i can...

until next time,
stacey

i'm so incredibly thankful i had the opportunity to go home this past weekend...ben and i didn't do anything extremely exciting and the trip was planned in order to accomplish some wedding "to-do's", but as i sit and reflect on my time, i'm thankful.

it's always wonderful to see my family and to hang out with friends that know me so well, but i know God took me home this specific weekend just so i could hear His message sunday at church and speak to a woman i deeply respect afterward.

i don't think it's any surprise that since moving to lexington, i've been having a hard time. the job transition has been difficult, i miss my family, making friends has not come as easily as i thought it would...overall, my life has felt completely out of control. this has resulted in a desire to cling to anything tangible and seemingly comfortable (ben, home) and neglect things that are normally very important (returning phone calls to friends, spending time with the Lord, etc.). my priorities has been a tad out of whack along with my emotions and perception of reality, but the last few weeks, i feel like i've been seeing the light. for the first time in a very long time last week, when i spent alone time with the Lord, i actually wanted to be doing it. desperately. i cried reading His Word because i actually desired it.

as far as sunday's sermon goes, my pastor taught out of acts 27 chronicling paul's shipwreck on malta. he talked a lot about the storms of life and why we go through them...and how sometimes we just can't understand God's purpose in sending us through them, but how they're never just unnecessary. there have been moments over these last 7 months when i felt as if God had completely left me alone...i didn't like it and i was angry about it. but sunday gave me fresh perspective-- i know He has a purpose. i may not get it, but it's not unnecessary.

after the service, i was given this verse by aforementioned woman and it reminded me of my recent desperate desire to read His Word:

"Then I will give them a heart to know Me, that I am the LORD; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God, for they shall return to Me with their whole heart. " -Jeremiah 24:7

i like it. a lot.