insomnia.

it's 2:44 am and while i went to bed almost 2 hours ago, i'm obviously not sleeping. working night shift will do that to you, but i refused to take anything tonight to help. 25 mg of benadryl makes me feel like i've been trampled by an elephant and sleep for 12 hours, so i don't love that so much. annnd, there's not a whole lot else out there much milder than that, so tonight the insomnia has taken over.

i'm sort of glad i'm awake right now to be honest. it's allowed me to catch up on some internet things (i'm hardly ever on it b/c i have to "borrow" from the neighbor and b/c ben likes to spend q.t. together when we're both home), think about all the things i want to do to make ben's day a little brighter tomorrow, annnnnnd it's given me quite the chuckle. ben always complains about how tired he is during the daytime because he doesn't sleep well at night. most of the time i'm passed out before he is and half the week i'm at work, so i haven't really noticed until now that he is a REALLY bad sleeper. currently his eyes are closed and occasionally he makes a snoring noise, but he is really thrashing around. he has managed to scoot me clear over to the edge of the bed with his bum and earlier, elbowed me right in the sternum. i said "ow", but he didn't apologize...or stir. well, depends on your definition of "stir" i suppose--he continued to thrash around, he just didn't open his eyes. meanwhile, our loyal guard dog stella is laying on the floor at the foot of our bed whimpering. she too is fast asleep and is simply dreaming. for some reason, whenever she does this, i think it's so hysterical. keeping my laughter inside has had me shaking the bed and hopefully i don't wake ben. what a funny family i have... :)

on another note, i lost my first baby sunday night. it was hard-- really hard. and really sudden. i'd taken care of him the two nights before and when i left sunday morning, had this terrible gut feeling. all the doctors thought he was fine, but i came home and told ben i just didn't think he was going to be ok. when i went back into work that night, report had only been over for two minutes and i hadn't even washed my hands when we started doing CPR. it was stressful and i was so nervous. i got help and started drawing up code meds. 35 minutes later, it was all over. the mother was wailing in the hallway and i just kept saying, "i don't know what to do. i've never done this before." what do you say to a mother that's just lost her first child?! i felt unprepared and inadequate and thankfully, had some experienced nurses around to help me through the bereavement process. he was so, so sweet and i am so, so sorry he's gone. it's hard not to wonder if you could have done something more, but ultimately, i think being held safely in Jesus' arms in heaven was the best thing that could have happened for him. still, there are nurses that have been there for 5 or 6 years and never lost a kid. i'm just hoping it doesn't happen to me again for a very, very long time.

i feel like i should say something happy after all that...who wants to end their post on such a sad note?! umm...good news! looks like i'll get to travel to indiana for the thanksgiving holiday weekend after all! i'm heading in town saturday on no sleep, but it's totally worth it to see my family! i absolutely can't wait!!! :) also, ben and i got some very good financial news recently...it's a long story, but let's just say that God is incredibly good and i never should have doubted that He would provide! i am a blessed, blessed woman.