what a looooong day.

Today has seemingly been going on forever...I was up early to go to lab and it's going to prove to be a late night. An exam and a quiz tomorrow and lovely VCE's...argh. I'm thrilled. Ha. Still, I'm joyful. I'm pretty sure not a whole lot could ruin my mood right now. Even though I am at a precipice and have no clue what life has in store, I am excited. I'm looking in the face of opposition and screaming, "Bring it on!" :) It's a good feeling.

Three beautiful things of the day:
1. Lab this morning-- I learned lots of good new nursing skills! I'm totally out of my league and this semester is going to make a fool of me, but I'm looking forward to the experience, even if I feel stupid sometimes.
2. A phone conversation with my mom about India. What a blessing...
3. My new favorite song, "Carried to the Table" by Leeland. I'll post lyrics down below. It has become my mantra lately...He has healed me and I no longer need to be ashamed--He hides my brokenness. I couldn't ask for anything better in life than Him.

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

oh, and three beautiful things...

1. Kickboxing class every Wednesday= incredible.
2. A 7 out of 5 on my pathophysiology quiz-- I absolutely LOVE what I'm learning so that's even more beautiful than a good grade! :)
3. Catch up time with Katie at Taylor. That girl is one big blessing in my life.

So much for a habit, huh? :)

Well, I'm gonna be honest...I forgot my password and username there for a while and well, nursing school was keeping me busy. It's going to be another hectic semester, but hopefully I'll be doing a much better job prioritizing--we'll keep our fingers crossed! :)

I wanted to start journaling again because I miss knowing what's going on in my life. I miss being able to recognize what God has brought me from (lots). I really wish I would have been keeping track of all the things God taught me this past semester because it was certainly a transformation. I started counseling in October and it was the absolute best decision I could ever have made for myself. God has started the healing process in my life and for that I am thankful. It was finally time to just let it all go and it was amazing the work God did in my life and in my relationships once I finally relinquished control. (Well, that's still a day-to-day thing, but it's getting much better.) I understand myself MUCH better and have the desire to continue to go...There are a few areas of my life where I have pent up a lot of shame--Scott says we're focusing on those this semester. I'm thrilled. Ha. It's almost enough to scare me out of returning. In fact, every night before I go the next day I tell my roommate I'm not going...After I walk out of the office the following morning, I am always thrilled I went. God is good.

Another reason I wanted to start writing again was to put down in words my thoughts about where God is taking me: India. It would be a six-week trip this summer, working in orphanages, and getting nursing experience. I never once thought that the trip would actually be approved by my professor and when I prayed about it I simply said to God, "If you open this door, I'm walking through it." So guess what? I'm now walking through it. I'm freaking out a bit...Thinking about the cost and thinking about the money I'll be losing while I'm not working, and thinking about not being able to get a nursing job this summer all really scares me. Today during chapel, however, I felt a distinct call upon my life to enter missions. It has been something that I have thought about for years, but I always wondered, "God, is this about me? Am I seeking my own glory? How do I know this desire comes from You?" Today, I felt Him speak to my heart and knew with confidence that this isn't about me anymore, if it ever was. I began to cry, simply desiring to be in India right this second with all those precious children that need me. God broke my heart for people I've never even met and confirmed to me that missions will be a part of my life after college. That's terrifying to be honest, but also exciting at the same time. I want to do and be something BIG for Him. I want to turn the world upside down. I want to live my life radically.

Here I am, Lord. Send me.