your pain has changed me...

a friend introduced me to some sara groves music recently...by far, this song is my favorite and i find myself playing it in the car over and over and over again. in a song, sara managed to capture my heart's cry as a result of my time in india. this song blesses me and speaks when i have no words. truly their pain has changed me.


I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dreams inspire
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

i'll set the scene for you:

driving down washington street in crawfordsville, waiting for the light to turn green so i can turn down wabash and head home. there is a man wearing khaki shorts, a red polo, and some very thick-lensed glasses standing on the opposite corner waiting to cross the street toward me. i begin to make the turn but stop, wanting to wait for him to cross. his steps are jerky as he walks, clearly indicating he has some sort of physical defect. he sees me waiting and begins to run across the street to get out of my way. he is stumbling and struggling so hard all so that i can be home five seconds sooner than i would have had he walked. i begin to weep.

all of this transpired in a matter of ten seconds or less, but my heart hurts. i have just begun to really share about all that God did in india this summer and how His broken people have touched my life. even after being home for a month, many moments throughout the day are extremely difficult. part of what has been getting me through has been praying that God would reveal His broken and hurting people to me here in this place as well. my weeping at the sight of a stumbling man crossing washington is evidence that God is certainly answering my prayer. i had the urge to pull my car over, jump out, and hug this man. i sensed in a few short seconds that his life has been one of rejection and hurt and maybe even bitterness at the hand God has dealt him. i wanted to comfort him and tell him about a love that fills all the gaping wounds inside: the love of Christ. many of life's injustices that i witnessed in india and continue to witness here break my heart. why was i born into a family that loves me? why did God bless me with a body that works and a brain that thinks well? why is that God has revealed Himself to me in so many ways while i wait for the day that He reveals Himself to others i love and pray for without ceasing? why? why? why? i don't understand sometimes. i don't understand why some people suffer their whole lives like the hindus living in the streets of india when they don't even have hope for life after death. what kind of existence is that? are they just too stubborn to see? is God using their poverty and suffering to try to bring them to Him? but what if they don't turn? they've had a hard life and a terrible afterlife! oh, God...i have so many questions. please help me to make sense of what's going on in Your world. my heart is so burdened, but i entrust these people into Your hands, knowing despite the hurt that You love and care for them more than i could ever fathom.

it's days like today that make me want to run back to india. i mean, i want to do that everyday, but some are worse than others. today was one of those. 13 hours working in the restaurant with no break. i'm not even necessarily complaining about that because i had fairly good tables and nice people, but i am so hungry for some Christian fellowship. i need it in the worst way right now. everyone there makes me feel tired and weary and empty inside...it's like they suck the joy and Jesus right out of me. i try and try and try to talk about Him as much as possible, try to remind myself that i am working for Him and not for man, try to be the example of love that He woud want me to be, but dangit! it's hard to love like Jesus does. in india, it was simple. it's easy to love children that run for you when they see you coming. it's easy to serve and be caring toward such humble and broken people. my heart could not help but cry out for them. but here, it's hard. people are stubborn and sinful and hateful and AH! i just want to give up the fight and tell them what i think!!! i want to stop being kind and going the extra mile to help them out when i know i would never receive the favor in return. i want to call them mean names and gossip about them like everyone else does. my flesh longs to do so many things and yet, i cannot. God calls me to a higher standard. oh, how easy my life would be except for that. empty? probably, but i'm feeling pretty discontent right now. it makes me angry that i'm called to love these people...what a terrible heart condition. it makes me sick that i'm at this place to be honest. what kind of a person begrudges praying for others and serving them?

oh, Jesus, please help me love the way You do. please forgive me and fill me to overflowing with your Spirit. i'm tired and weary and i feel all broken apart inside. take my burdens, i pray. i want to know contentment and i want You to be enough. please, Jesus, i'm asking You to come and dwell in me fully. help me love You well. once again, i lay my life at Your feet for Your taking. be glorified.