uncertainty.

if you know me, you know i'm a planner, slightly anal, and a bit of a control freak. i hate not knowing what the future holds or having a way to explain current circumstances. sometimes things are the way they are simply because they are and the Lord says it's best. it drives me crazy.

to be vague but not too vague (how much of your life is okay to share with the blogging world?), ben and i have been going through...some things. our marriage is wonderful, no worries, but there are extraneous circumstances that have been challenging lately. some might even say "hard". it's nothing we can control, nothing we can figure out at this point, and the hardest part is not even actually going through it all. the hardest part is wanting an answer and not knowing if we'll ever get one.

we pray about our circumstance a lot together and as many times as i say, "i trust You, Lord. i know you see our situation and You haven't forgotten us. i know You love us more than we can imagine and You only desire good for our lives.", my faith is lacking. granted, it's improved over the last (almost) five months, but there are still moments when i ask "why?" and tell God i'm mad at Him, ask Him what in the world He is doing. i wish i trusted more. you'd think after truly following the Lord for the last seven years i would know that He is faithful and He has never let me down, that even all the bad and hard things i've gone through in life have been for my betterment. but still, i falter.

where does true faith come from? how do you force yourself one way when everything in you is fighting to go the opposite? i wish i knew the answer, but tonight i do know in my heart of hearts that God is good and that He is using our situation to mold and grow us and bring us closer together in our marriage. maybe one day we'll be able to use our situation to minister to others, to make a difference for the Kingdom somehow. really that's all i can ask for right now: Father, hear my prayers and use my life to honor You.

insomnia.

it's 2:44 am and while i went to bed almost 2 hours ago, i'm obviously not sleeping. working night shift will do that to you, but i refused to take anything tonight to help. 25 mg of benadryl makes me feel like i've been trampled by an elephant and sleep for 12 hours, so i don't love that so much. annnd, there's not a whole lot else out there much milder than that, so tonight the insomnia has taken over.

i'm sort of glad i'm awake right now to be honest. it's allowed me to catch up on some internet things (i'm hardly ever on it b/c i have to "borrow" from the neighbor and b/c ben likes to spend q.t. together when we're both home), think about all the things i want to do to make ben's day a little brighter tomorrow, annnnnnd it's given me quite the chuckle. ben always complains about how tired he is during the daytime because he doesn't sleep well at night. most of the time i'm passed out before he is and half the week i'm at work, so i haven't really noticed until now that he is a REALLY bad sleeper. currently his eyes are closed and occasionally he makes a snoring noise, but he is really thrashing around. he has managed to scoot me clear over to the edge of the bed with his bum and earlier, elbowed me right in the sternum. i said "ow", but he didn't apologize...or stir. well, depends on your definition of "stir" i suppose--he continued to thrash around, he just didn't open his eyes. meanwhile, our loyal guard dog stella is laying on the floor at the foot of our bed whimpering. she too is fast asleep and is simply dreaming. for some reason, whenever she does this, i think it's so hysterical. keeping my laughter inside has had me shaking the bed and hopefully i don't wake ben. what a funny family i have... :)

on another note, i lost my first baby sunday night. it was hard-- really hard. and really sudden. i'd taken care of him the two nights before and when i left sunday morning, had this terrible gut feeling. all the doctors thought he was fine, but i came home and told ben i just didn't think he was going to be ok. when i went back into work that night, report had only been over for two minutes and i hadn't even washed my hands when we started doing CPR. it was stressful and i was so nervous. i got help and started drawing up code meds. 35 minutes later, it was all over. the mother was wailing in the hallway and i just kept saying, "i don't know what to do. i've never done this before." what do you say to a mother that's just lost her first child?! i felt unprepared and inadequate and thankfully, had some experienced nurses around to help me through the bereavement process. he was so, so sweet and i am so, so sorry he's gone. it's hard not to wonder if you could have done something more, but ultimately, i think being held safely in Jesus' arms in heaven was the best thing that could have happened for him. still, there are nurses that have been there for 5 or 6 years and never lost a kid. i'm just hoping it doesn't happen to me again for a very, very long time.

i feel like i should say something happy after all that...who wants to end their post on such a sad note?! umm...good news! looks like i'll get to travel to indiana for the thanksgiving holiday weekend after all! i'm heading in town saturday on no sleep, but it's totally worth it to see my family! i absolutely can't wait!!! :) also, ben and i got some very good financial news recently...it's a long story, but let's just say that God is incredibly good and i never should have doubted that He would provide! i am a blessed, blessed woman.

it's been almost 5 months since i last updated, but that's what happens when you finish planning a wedding, get married, move, and then don't have internet. sometimes i can steal from my neighbor, but it's only in very select areas of our bedroom and isn't always the most reliable. so right now, i'm sitting in a study room in the asbury library. ben is studying for an exam and i'm trying my best to keep my mouth shut. i'm working on bills (ugh!) and trying to get us on a tighter budget and am planning on tackling some of those thank you's in my purse in a few minutes. not the most exciting way to spend the day, but i'm currently on day 2 of a 13 day stretch off and i'm trying to be productive. besides, just hanging out with ben is great no matter what we're doing.
so, there's marriage. it's great...better than what i could have hoped for. i should've known it would be pretty wonderful considering God brought us together, called us to get married, etc. but seriously, i am blessed beyond measure. ben has been God's greatest gift to me. i'm learning a lot and trying to be a better wife everyday, but sometimes it's more fun to just hang out with him than do the dishes like i know i should. ha. we eat out far too much (mostly due to our opposite schedules and my reluctance to do anything when i'm working night shift), but it's my goal to start cooking for him more. our roles are a bit reversed sometimes because he's home more and not working, but for now, it's okay for us. i appreciate all the sacrifices i know he's making and i am so, so proud of how well he's doing in school. i won't lie...it's kind of nice to come home in the morning to folded-laundry and vacuumed carpet too. ha. but i know it won't always be like this...we're just trying to enjoy where our life is taking us right now. a friend recently asked me to describe myself in just three words: content, joy-filled, and ben-loving. God is good and i'm finally feeling settled.

there's also work for me. i think enjoying my job is another HUGE reason i'm feeling settled. last year was just a terrible time for me to be completely honest. not only had i moved away from home, gotten engaged, and was trying to make friends and plan a wedding...i was also hating my job. i would get sick everyday before work and oftentimes, couldn't even enjoy a 4 or 5 day stretch off because i kept counting down the hours until i had to drag myself in there again. i was doubting my call to nursing and God and was honestly wondering what in the world He was up to. thank goodness ben put up with my insanity and still wanted to marry me...i relied on him a lot during that time (probably more than was healthy) and felt like he was the only reason i got through some nights at work. but, that's over now and i feel so good about being a nicu nurse. i love the babies and i feel very supported by my co-workers. it's certainly heartbreaking at times and some of the social situations are very draining, but it's such a privilege to be at work praying for the babies as i take care of them and the homes i know they'll go back to. there are definitely stressful nights, but it's nothing like pacu. nothing. i like nursing. i like my job. what a life changer that has been for me.

then there's stella. she's still being ornery, but we love her to pieces. ben thinks she might have an attachment disorder because she's so incredibly needy and no matter how many times we tell her she's a little pathetic, she still doesn't change. if she could, she would be on my lap 24/7. ha. yesterday morning i got off work, came home, and ben was already gone for class. i attempted to stay up the whole day so i could go to bed at a decent time that night (that definitely didn't work... i crashed around 2 pm), so when i got home i changed into my pj's, got into bed, and watched a movie. stella was acting a little weird, but i knew ben had let her out before he left, so i wasn't worried it was that. anyway, when i finally got up to hop in the shower around 10:30, stella climbed in with me! i was just shampooing my hair when i looked down and saw her head peaking around the curtain. next thing i knew, her entire body was in the shower and she was licking the hot water off the shower floor and walls. poor dog...i realized she was acting weird because she had no water downstairs and some neglectful parents. we'll have to do better than that with a baby one day! :)
day to day life as an adult can sometimes become repetitious, but i'm enjoying the routine. we spice it up with a camping trip here and there and visits to/from friends and family. my parents are coming down this weekend and bringing the remainder of our wedding gifts (finally!) and we're headed to the apple orchard and keeneland for some horse racing. i'm really looking forward to hanging out and relaxing together...all in all, life is good.

i am so looking forward to loving ben for the rest of my life.

update to come soon, but for now we're going to play tennis! :)

conflict.

i've never really known how to respond to conflict...i'm usually the one that individuals in conflict come to for an ear to listen. i give advice, empathize, try to see the argument from both sides, but to be honest, i've never really had a legitimate fight with any of my friends. i avoid arguments and confrontation and hurting others' feelings at all costs. i hate the thought of someone else hurting because of something i did.

tonight (or this morning), i am the one in the middle of conflict. or rather, i'm the one that took a pretty severe lashing. i've been emotional for the last two hours and i'm really hoping the ibuprofen will stave off a headache for in the morning. as for the puffy eyes, i don't have a remedy. my charge nurse asked me if i'd like to go home early and i'm not sure what gave it away. it was either my blotchy cheeks or my cherry-tomato looking eyes. i thankfully accepted her offer and managed to cry all the way home and in the grocery store. good thing it was 2 am and not too many shoppers were around.

without going into too many details, i inadvertently hurt someone's feelings at work. the original incident lasted all of 5 seconds and no one else involved thought twice about it...except for our nursing tech. she pulled me aside later to yell at me. maybe it is my cultural ignorance and naivety, but never in a million years did i think my actions would cause someone to take offense, let alone say they never want to speak to me again. if i embarrassed her or hurt her feelings, i was more than willing to apologize--i tried actually--but what hurt me more than anything was the fact that she has gotten to know me and thinks i'm the type of person that would intentionally try and do that.

no one else aware of the situation thinks that this blow-up has anything to do with me at all, but more than likely a much bigger personal issue. so, how do i respond? everything inside me wants to reason with her, to tell her that i in no way wanted to hurt her, to apologize and receive her forgiveness. it drives me absolutely crazy to think there's a person in this world that dislikes me. i want all to be well and i'm not sure that's an option in this situation. i've been praying for this situation and for her and i'm still not sure i will ever be okay just letting it be.

i've always envied people that don't care what others think, but that's not me. maybe there never will be a solution. quite possibly i will live out these awkward next three weeks and go to nicu with an unresolved conflict. i hate it, but maybe God is trying to teach me something too...

hold her heart, Lord.

right now, i'm exhausted. i just arrived home after working five of the last six nights and although i'm fairly sure i could drift off to sleep and wake up on wednesday, my mind is reeling.

some lyrics keep playing over and over again as the tears continually well up in my eyes...

one tear in the driving rain,
one voice in a sea of pain
could the maker of the stars
hear the sound of my breaking heart?
one life, that's all I am
right now I can barely stand
if You're everything You say You are
would You come close and hold my heart?

i feel like his mother might be singing this song right now. i can only picture her crying over her young son as he laid dying, the sister leaning over her brother and begging him to "get up!" i can only imagine the 100 people that showed up at the hospital after this young man's accident whose lives are forever altered by his death. so young...so much more life to live...gone. forever. there's no turning back for him now. whatever decisions he made in life, whoever he chose to worship, he's facing the consequences of those actions now. it's so...final. after he passed, his mother asked if she could take him home and put him in bed. when she left, she had so many questions about where his body would go, what she should do, etc. she sobbed and through tears managed to say, "for the first time in my life, i don't know what to do for my child." my heart broke.

i heard this same mother pray and thank the Lord for giving him to her if only for a short time. i imagine she'll be questioning a lot of things in weeks to come and that her faith may not always be as strong as it was in the moments shortly before his passing...i'm praying she remembers that God truly is holding her heart close, even in moments when a tragedy like this does not make sense to anyone.

kids make me chuckle.

surprise! i'm unmotivated. i should be finishing my paper due thursday, but instead i thought i'd share a moment from this weekend that brought a HUGE smile to my face and a few (stifled) chuckles.

phone conversation with ethan and emily while they were at my parents' house:
me: hi, dad. can i talk to the kids?
dad: ethan, do you want to talk to aunt stacey? (i hear a "no".) emily, do you want to talk to aunt stacey?
emily: hello?
me: hey, emily! how are you? are you having fun?
emily: yeah...
me: well, you know i'm getting married, right? i'm sort of in need of a flower girl...would you want to be my flower girl?
emily: well...i don't know. i'm planning.
me: you're planning? planning what?
emily: i'm not sure i can...i'll have to ask mommy. what can ethan be?
me: he can be a ring bearer and i'm going to ask him if he'll get on the phone with me.
ethan: hello?
me: oh hi, ethan! hey, you know i'm getting married, right? i'm in need of a ring...
ethan: yes. (me giggling. i haven't even asked yet...)
me: so you think you might want to be my ring bearer?
ethan: yes! i've only been wanting this for nine days now! (more giggling...)
me: well, good! now if you can only help me convince emily to be my flower girl.
ethan: (pauses.) i'm not too sure i'm very good at convincing.
me: oh, it's ok, buddy. can you just put em back on the phone?
mom: hi, stace!
me: mom! what are you doing? i was just going to ask emily to be my flower girl...
mom: oh, ok. i'll put her back on.
me: so emily, do you think you might want to be my flower girl? it would make me really happy!
emily: i'll have to ask my mommy if i can.
me: i've already talked to your mommy, emily. she said it's ok, but it just depends on if you want to or not.
emily: oh. ok. i guess i'll be it.

ethan's so excited he can't even hold his response back until i've asked the question and emily "guesses" she'll be my flower girl. ha. mom assured me they both had big smiles on their face after our conversation however. can't wait to see them both dressed up and adorable in june!!! :)

also, i know i wrote about some possible big life changes a while back...they're becoming more real than i imagined and i feel confused as to what to do. please continue to pray. i'll update about it when i can...

until next time,
stacey

i'm so incredibly thankful i had the opportunity to go home this past weekend...ben and i didn't do anything extremely exciting and the trip was planned in order to accomplish some wedding "to-do's", but as i sit and reflect on my time, i'm thankful.

it's always wonderful to see my family and to hang out with friends that know me so well, but i know God took me home this specific weekend just so i could hear His message sunday at church and speak to a woman i deeply respect afterward.

i don't think it's any surprise that since moving to lexington, i've been having a hard time. the job transition has been difficult, i miss my family, making friends has not come as easily as i thought it would...overall, my life has felt completely out of control. this has resulted in a desire to cling to anything tangible and seemingly comfortable (ben, home) and neglect things that are normally very important (returning phone calls to friends, spending time with the Lord, etc.). my priorities has been a tad out of whack along with my emotions and perception of reality, but the last few weeks, i feel like i've been seeing the light. for the first time in a very long time last week, when i spent alone time with the Lord, i actually wanted to be doing it. desperately. i cried reading His Word because i actually desired it.

as far as sunday's sermon goes, my pastor taught out of acts 27 chronicling paul's shipwreck on malta. he talked a lot about the storms of life and why we go through them...and how sometimes we just can't understand God's purpose in sending us through them, but how they're never just unnecessary. there have been moments over these last 7 months when i felt as if God had completely left me alone...i didn't like it and i was angry about it. but sunday gave me fresh perspective-- i know He has a purpose. i may not get it, but it's not unnecessary.

after the service, i was given this verse by aforementioned woman and it reminded me of my recent desperate desire to read His Word:

"Then I will give them a heart to know Me, that I am the LORD; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God, for they shall return to Me with their whole heart. " -Jeremiah 24:7

i like it. a lot.

iloveyou.

one year ago yesterday, ben and i said some very scary and vulnerable words to each other for the first time.

"i love you."

i thought i was crazy about him then, but every day gets better and better.

can't wait to spend my life loving him more.

homesick.

i'm homesick.

lexington is a great place, ben is incredible and supportive...we're making a life for ourselves here.

but i'm homesick. my mom and grandma just left to head back to crawfordsville and i wish i was hiding in their trunk.

i've never really suffered from this terrible sickness before, but here it is. i'm 23-years old and i miss my mommy and daddy.

maybe God will allow us to move closer to home in a few years when ben is finished with school. i think i would really like that...

rewarding myself.

jillian michael's kicked my butt this evening during my first workout in 6 months, so now i'm sitting on the couch eating m&m's... :)

update.

well, the holiday hustle and bustle is over and i'm thankful to say that it went smoothly, despite all the traveling and working over christmas, etc. i really enjoyed my time at home and also with ben's family and even though it felt too short, it was worth all the hours in the car. AND, i loved every single one of my christmas gifts and didn't have to return a single thing. yes! everything fit, nothing was duplicated, and everything was exactly what i would have picked for myself. i should probably start writing some thank you notes...especially since it's my day off and i'm stuck in ben's apartment without a car. (he has mine at school until 5 pm...his tire went flat late last night and won't hold air. bummer.)

stella is currently pacing and jillian michael's and i have a workout date if i can force myself to get up off the couch. ugh...it's amazing that i haven't worked out in 6 months (terrible, i know) and yet i still can't make myself motivated to move. good news is, i haven't gained any weight even for my lack of movement and eating more along the lines of ben's diet. no wedding diet for me! :) but, i suppose i do want toned arms in my dress and if i'll be seeing a bathing suit on our honeymoon, i'll probably need to be having regular dates with jillian for the next 5.5 months. ha.

speaking of wedding things though, i really need to get moving! i had a terrible dream last night that it was june 25th and the bridesmaid dresses weren't ordered and i had no one to do the girls' hair! all of ben's responsibilities were taken care of, but none of mine were. i woke up in a panic and then realized it's still january 8th! whew. we finalized a guest list yesterday and it looks to be right on target for our venue size. yay! now it's time to gather addresses and mail save-the-dates...i'm not exactly looking forward to addressing 100-something envelopes, but we'll make it.

i'm also praying about some big life changes right now that i ask you to be praying with me about it if you're reading this...i truly want to set aside all my feelings about the situation and allow God to lead me in the right direction. and, if He chooses not to take me where i desire, i'm praying for a right spirit no matter the outcome. i entirely want to fight against that last statement, but i have to trust that God knows best and as ben told me, that "He has my back." hopefully i'll have another update about that situation soon.

until next time,
stacey