God does not waste our suffering.

i don't understand why things in life happen sometimes, but what i do know is that God does not waste our suffering. my heart goes out to a few friends of mine right now as they and their families are struggling with some very life-changing situations. you all are in my prayers and even though i know you all know it, remember that nothing in our lives goes untouched by Him. He knows and cares for both of you and all of this is in His beautiful plan. just as He has never wasted mine, He also will not waste your suffering. keep your eyes fixed upon Him.

speaking of suffering though, the aforementioned lesson is one that God taught me while i was in india. bringing this realization to mind has helped me on numerous occasions since i have been back over the last three months. i miss my children every single day and although the intense pain is not as frequent as it was, it still comes around more often than i would prefer. leaving them was the hardest thing i ever had to do in life and multiple times throughout a day i wonder if they're lonely, hungry, frightened, etc. their lives are so hard and i can't begin to know what that's like, but it keeps me sane knowing that God is not going to waste their suffering. He uses the brokenness to bring beauty and that's redemptive. on an afternoon where i am consumed with thoughts of going back and heartache that it's not just as simple as hopping on a plane, i rest in that.

thought i might share some of my favorite moments...i can still hear the giggling. and as far as that last one goes, i have no idea why we were smiling! this was on the bus on the way to the airport to leave after an incredibly emotional goodbye.

tonight i am so restless. instead of completing any one of my three BIG papers this week, i instead find myself doing anything to avoid them. mostly those distractions consist of researching mission organizations like the world race (thank you, michelle), cure international, cmfi, etc. etc. etc. i feel as if my lack of focus can be blamed on the fact that i am just so ready to be DONE! i so desperately want to be utilizing the gifts and skills that the Lord has graciously blessed me with. i feel a bit stir crazy thinking i have six and half more months of this! although the prospect of graduation is still terrifying in and of itself, i'm simply excited to watch God's plan for me unfold before my eyes. i was telling a friend at dinner this week, "i feel like i've been made for so much more." i'm ready. well, as ready as one who has no confidence in her own abilities can be. ha. but india showed me i can have full confidence in HIS abilities. i'm not even worried about my own at this point. just relying on Him.

i had a coffee date last night that was incredibly interesting and mentally exhausting. the gentleman i met with was an acquaintance and was far more intellectual than i could ever hope to be. he was discussing issues i have no knowledge about and was talking as if i did or at least should. it was overwhelming because it was all about Scripture and made me feel as if i didn't love Jesus nearly as much because of my ignorance. i finally looked at him at one point and said, "i wish i had the knowledge that you do, but the fact is, i don't. my relationship with Christ is very real and it's personal and i love Him very much, but i know nothing about the history behind his lineage and cultures and various countries and exiles, etc. etc. etc. i just know that He's changed my life." maybe that is the most ignorant thing to say, but i've never really felt the desire to read a million commentaries and research apologetics. do i think it's interesting? absolutely. but i'm afraid of making my faith so much about head knowledge. to me, the Gospel is simple. why complicate the fact that Jesus died on the cross for me, a dirty and broken and completely undeserving individual? i think there can be a great balance between head and heart, but i never want my head to overpower what i know Christ has done in my heart and spirit. i'm not exactly sure if all this makes sense because it's truly the first time i've verbalized it all, but i hope what i'm saying doesn't make me sound like a pagan...

anyway, i suppose 10:35 is a sufficient time to begin working on my midterm critique for tomorrow. ha. i just needed one more way to procrastinate... :)

isaiah 42:16

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. -Isaiah 42:16

my eyes filled with tears this morning during my 7:50 class as one of my classmates shared this verse during our devotion time. it not only relates to my last post about feeling all mixed up inside, it also relates to all the confusion that sets before me regarding my future. everyone keeps asking, "so what are you doing in seven months?" my answer is perpetually, "i don't know." it's the truth too. i don't have a clue where God is going to lead me in seven short months. i suppose i just have to trust that He will not forsake me and light the way.

i keep thinking about grad school and how i should probably start looking-- maybe i'll move to the city, get a job, and once i'm settled in a few years, go back to further my nursing education. i could really enjoy my life and all the attractive and exciting things it has to offer a single, carefree, twenty-something. i see so many of my other graduated friends delving into what may be considered a fairly selfish life. but it's so attractive and enticing.

i could stay around indiana, enjoy time around my family, and settle into a routine life among what is comfortable. after all, my grandparents aren't going to be around forever, right?

or, i could do what the other half of my heart is longing for: i could go on an incredible adventure, one that leads me straight into the arms of broken and hurting people all over the world. i could become a missionary. it seems weird (and incredibly scary) that i've reached this stage of my life. i have been praying about it for years and yet now that it's all coming to a pinnacle, i'm frozen, unable to move or think or decide what in the world i want. i think i have an idea what i was made for, but it requires sacrifice-- and lots of it. it requires heartache. it requires being absent from the lives of so many i love. it requires blind faith. it requires wholly holy living. it requires selflessness. God, it requires too much! still, i simply cannot forget what my heart felt as i stepped out of the plane and onto Indian soil. it was like coming home again. i cannot forget how my heart cries out to be there every single day and i cannot forget what it was like to tell dhivya goodbye on the phone the other night; it felt as if my heart was being ripped from my chest again-- so i wept. do i really believe i can forget all that and live a "comfortable" life with no regrets in seven months? i just don't know.

i talked with eric about it last week. i told him about an email i got concerning being a nanny for a missionary couple in india for six months to a year starting in february. that clearly doesn't work with my school schedule, but it's something i'm still willing to look into. he told me i may want to know all my options, all the mission organizations i could possibly get on board with, and that i should formulate a list of what i want and send it to him. he can do some networking for me. at this point, we're not just talking about a short-term two-week trip as a student. we're talking about my life...as an adult. we're talking about choosing a lifestyle and one that will not be easy. but i suppose Jesus doesn't always call us to what is easy, huh? it's the real deal, people. it's time to put my money where my mouth is. it's time to decide if Jesus is big enough to be trusted with my future. so...i'm praying. please pray with me.

i remember driving one afternoon and calling my mom on the phone. i told her about a recent incident that broke my heart and i said, "mom, i am praying for a heart that breaks at the things that break Jesus' heart. i want my life to bring Jesus' healing balm to those that are hurting." she said, "stacey, don't pray for that life. it will hurt and be full of pain, full of the pain of others." but you know what? i don't care. i have experienced so much hurt in my life, but Jesus has brought me peace. it is that peace i desire to impart to others. oh, may God allow it to be so.

all mixed up.

as many of you know, i'm all mixed up inside. Jesus has done something to me and now i never feel quite right. besides the physical consequences india has left on my body, there are many many emotional and spiritual issues that my time there has wrought. i've been home almost three months--crazy, right?-- and still feel totally unsettled. it's getting to the point now that i'm not sure if i'm just mixed up and will eventually return to normal, or if it means i'm changed and meant to remain this way. i know this all seems very vague, so let me try to explain myself.

it all comes down to small things really, spending money being the biggest one. it used to be that i doubted God's ability to provide. now it is that i hate enjoying luxuries when i know my children halfway around the world are going to bed hungry. it doesn't mean that i never spend the money-- sometimes my rationality kicks in-- but as i hand the bills over, it just hurts inside. oftentimes i will be driving back in my car wondering, "why did you think you needed that? you could've gone without. now you are not allowed to spend money an anything for the next five days." i wonder if i am sometimes taking it too far, if i am paying penance for something i had no control over. i didn't ask to be born in the u.s. and i didn't ask that they go without. still, it's one of the things i struggle with the most. someone i shared with recently about this specific issue told me about a haitian missionary they had worked alongside. she said to them, "do not feel guilty. for whatever reason, God has placed you here in the u.s. and He has placed me in haiti. He has decided that i have nothing and that you have plenty for a reason. i do not want to be you. i do not want your life. so do not feel guilty." it was freeing for me to hear this story relayed to me. i sit here at my desk by lamplight, never having to worry if the power will cut out, with all my stuff around me and pity the poorest of the poor. it didn't really hit me until recently that maybe they don't want my pity. maybe they don't pity themselves. maybe they really do not want my life! what an arrogant and pompous way to think...i am an american through and though. i suppose that sentiment makes sense when i view it in light of the joy i saw in their lives. i envy that they don't have so many distractions, so many things to get in the way that only make them lust for more. still, i don't think that money spending is an issue that will become easy for me again.
i learned so much in india and i don't think that i have shared what any of those things are up until now. when i knew i'd be sharing at one of my church's Bible studies, i took my journal and my pictures and Bible to the wabash college library and just skimmed through, highlighting stories and lessons that i wanted to be sure to touch on. for time purposes, i will list them now and hope to elaborate further in entries to come.

1. God is universal.
2. love boldly.
3. trust blindly.
4. find God in every moment and renew a sense of childlike awe.
5. give until it hurts-- what is the most i can possibly give God?
6. God has called us to fellowship.
7. God uses us despite our severe inadequacies.
8. i cannot change the world, but i can change the world for one.
9. God never wastes our suffering.
10. entrust others into His care-- He knows best.
11. life is all about balance.

now, some of that may seem very vague right now or not make sense. it's a shorthand version of things God taught me and continues to teach me. i promise to expand later, but for the mean time, maybe there are some things that God may be asking of you in that list...love someone in your life boldly? trust Him blindly? give until it hurts? i'm not sure, but i will communicate soon exactly how each one of these has played out in my own life.