tonight i am so restless. instead of completing any one of my three BIG papers this week, i instead find myself doing anything to avoid them. mostly those distractions consist of researching mission organizations like the world race (thank you, michelle), cure international, cmfi, etc. etc. etc. i feel as if my lack of focus can be blamed on the fact that i am just so ready to be DONE! i so desperately want to be utilizing the gifts and skills that the Lord has graciously blessed me with. i feel a bit stir crazy thinking i have six and half more months of this! although the prospect of graduation is still terrifying in and of itself, i'm simply excited to watch God's plan for me unfold before my eyes. i was telling a friend at dinner this week, "i feel like i've been made for so much more." i'm ready. well, as ready as one who has no confidence in her own abilities can be. ha. but india showed me i can have full confidence in HIS abilities. i'm not even worried about my own at this point. just relying on Him.

i had a coffee date last night that was incredibly interesting and mentally exhausting. the gentleman i met with was an acquaintance and was far more intellectual than i could ever hope to be. he was discussing issues i have no knowledge about and was talking as if i did or at least should. it was overwhelming because it was all about Scripture and made me feel as if i didn't love Jesus nearly as much because of my ignorance. i finally looked at him at one point and said, "i wish i had the knowledge that you do, but the fact is, i don't. my relationship with Christ is very real and it's personal and i love Him very much, but i know nothing about the history behind his lineage and cultures and various countries and exiles, etc. etc. etc. i just know that He's changed my life." maybe that is the most ignorant thing to say, but i've never really felt the desire to read a million commentaries and research apologetics. do i think it's interesting? absolutely. but i'm afraid of making my faith so much about head knowledge. to me, the Gospel is simple. why complicate the fact that Jesus died on the cross for me, a dirty and broken and completely undeserving individual? i think there can be a great balance between head and heart, but i never want my head to overpower what i know Christ has done in my heart and spirit. i'm not exactly sure if all this makes sense because it's truly the first time i've verbalized it all, but i hope what i'm saying doesn't make me sound like a pagan...

anyway, i suppose 10:35 is a sufficient time to begin working on my midterm critique for tomorrow. ha. i just needed one more way to procrastinate... :)