all mixed up.

as many of you know, i'm all mixed up inside. Jesus has done something to me and now i never feel quite right. besides the physical consequences india has left on my body, there are many many emotional and spiritual issues that my time there has wrought. i've been home almost three months--crazy, right?-- and still feel totally unsettled. it's getting to the point now that i'm not sure if i'm just mixed up and will eventually return to normal, or if it means i'm changed and meant to remain this way. i know this all seems very vague, so let me try to explain myself.

it all comes down to small things really, spending money being the biggest one. it used to be that i doubted God's ability to provide. now it is that i hate enjoying luxuries when i know my children halfway around the world are going to bed hungry. it doesn't mean that i never spend the money-- sometimes my rationality kicks in-- but as i hand the bills over, it just hurts inside. oftentimes i will be driving back in my car wondering, "why did you think you needed that? you could've gone without. now you are not allowed to spend money an anything for the next five days." i wonder if i am sometimes taking it too far, if i am paying penance for something i had no control over. i didn't ask to be born in the u.s. and i didn't ask that they go without. still, it's one of the things i struggle with the most. someone i shared with recently about this specific issue told me about a haitian missionary they had worked alongside. she said to them, "do not feel guilty. for whatever reason, God has placed you here in the u.s. and He has placed me in haiti. He has decided that i have nothing and that you have plenty for a reason. i do not want to be you. i do not want your life. so do not feel guilty." it was freeing for me to hear this story relayed to me. i sit here at my desk by lamplight, never having to worry if the power will cut out, with all my stuff around me and pity the poorest of the poor. it didn't really hit me until recently that maybe they don't want my pity. maybe they don't pity themselves. maybe they really do not want my life! what an arrogant and pompous way to think...i am an american through and though. i suppose that sentiment makes sense when i view it in light of the joy i saw in their lives. i envy that they don't have so many distractions, so many things to get in the way that only make them lust for more. still, i don't think that money spending is an issue that will become easy for me again.
i learned so much in india and i don't think that i have shared what any of those things are up until now. when i knew i'd be sharing at one of my church's Bible studies, i took my journal and my pictures and Bible to the wabash college library and just skimmed through, highlighting stories and lessons that i wanted to be sure to touch on. for time purposes, i will list them now and hope to elaborate further in entries to come.

1. God is universal.
2. love boldly.
3. trust blindly.
4. find God in every moment and renew a sense of childlike awe.
5. give until it hurts-- what is the most i can possibly give God?
6. God has called us to fellowship.
7. God uses us despite our severe inadequacies.
8. i cannot change the world, but i can change the world for one.
9. God never wastes our suffering.
10. entrust others into His care-- He knows best.
11. life is all about balance.

now, some of that may seem very vague right now or not make sense. it's a shorthand version of things God taught me and continues to teach me. i promise to expand later, but for the mean time, maybe there are some things that God may be asking of you in that list...love someone in your life boldly? trust Him blindly? give until it hurts? i'm not sure, but i will communicate soon exactly how each one of these has played out in my own life.