isaiah 42:16

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. -Isaiah 42:16

my eyes filled with tears this morning during my 7:50 class as one of my classmates shared this verse during our devotion time. it not only relates to my last post about feeling all mixed up inside, it also relates to all the confusion that sets before me regarding my future. everyone keeps asking, "so what are you doing in seven months?" my answer is perpetually, "i don't know." it's the truth too. i don't have a clue where God is going to lead me in seven short months. i suppose i just have to trust that He will not forsake me and light the way.

i keep thinking about grad school and how i should probably start looking-- maybe i'll move to the city, get a job, and once i'm settled in a few years, go back to further my nursing education. i could really enjoy my life and all the attractive and exciting things it has to offer a single, carefree, twenty-something. i see so many of my other graduated friends delving into what may be considered a fairly selfish life. but it's so attractive and enticing.

i could stay around indiana, enjoy time around my family, and settle into a routine life among what is comfortable. after all, my grandparents aren't going to be around forever, right?

or, i could do what the other half of my heart is longing for: i could go on an incredible adventure, one that leads me straight into the arms of broken and hurting people all over the world. i could become a missionary. it seems weird (and incredibly scary) that i've reached this stage of my life. i have been praying about it for years and yet now that it's all coming to a pinnacle, i'm frozen, unable to move or think or decide what in the world i want. i think i have an idea what i was made for, but it requires sacrifice-- and lots of it. it requires heartache. it requires being absent from the lives of so many i love. it requires blind faith. it requires wholly holy living. it requires selflessness. God, it requires too much! still, i simply cannot forget what my heart felt as i stepped out of the plane and onto Indian soil. it was like coming home again. i cannot forget how my heart cries out to be there every single day and i cannot forget what it was like to tell dhivya goodbye on the phone the other night; it felt as if my heart was being ripped from my chest again-- so i wept. do i really believe i can forget all that and live a "comfortable" life with no regrets in seven months? i just don't know.

i talked with eric about it last week. i told him about an email i got concerning being a nanny for a missionary couple in india for six months to a year starting in february. that clearly doesn't work with my school schedule, but it's something i'm still willing to look into. he told me i may want to know all my options, all the mission organizations i could possibly get on board with, and that i should formulate a list of what i want and send it to him. he can do some networking for me. at this point, we're not just talking about a short-term two-week trip as a student. we're talking about my life...as an adult. we're talking about choosing a lifestyle and one that will not be easy. but i suppose Jesus doesn't always call us to what is easy, huh? it's the real deal, people. it's time to put my money where my mouth is. it's time to decide if Jesus is big enough to be trusted with my future. so...i'm praying. please pray with me.

i remember driving one afternoon and calling my mom on the phone. i told her about a recent incident that broke my heart and i said, "mom, i am praying for a heart that breaks at the things that break Jesus' heart. i want my life to bring Jesus' healing balm to those that are hurting." she said, "stacey, don't pray for that life. it will hurt and be full of pain, full of the pain of others." but you know what? i don't care. i have experienced so much hurt in my life, but Jesus has brought me peace. it is that peace i desire to impart to others. oh, may God allow it to be so.