redeeming love.

i have two warnings before you start reading this entry:

1. it is fairly personal. if that scares you or you just don't care, stop here.
2. it is all about love. sometimes that scares people too.

i just finished reading redeeming love for the second time a few weeks ago. i started it on a wednesday and was done by saturday afternoon. i simply couldn't put it down and although i remembered the gist of one of the most amazing love stories i've ever known, it struck me so differently because i am a totally different person than the college freshman that read it the first time around. i know this sounds silly, but i resonated with angel so much throughout the book-- i felt as if i was her in many ways. i didn't feel connected to her simply because she represents christians that turn their back on God and michael represents the God that keeps pursuing. that part is true, sure, but even just her part in the literal love story made me understand myself so much more. for those of you that haven't read it (which you should go and do right now!), the fiction novel is modeled after the book of hosea in the Bible. angel plays the part of gomer, the prostitute that God asks hosea (michael) to marry. she runs back to her lifestyle and he pursues her again...and again...and again. it is a beautiful picture of how God loves us and continues to redeem us, to buy us back, even when we willfully turn and run from Him.

i can tell you that i relate to angel because she pays penance a lot in her life. how could she, a soiled dove, ever deserve to be happy? how could she ever deserve a man as wonderful and pure as michael hosea? how could she ever ask forgiveness or be cleansed from all the terrible things she has done in her life? how? at one point in the book, she tells him that she wishes she were whole for him. he asks, "because you think it would make me love you more?" she simply thought, "no, so that i could be worthy of you." i dated a boy once, a very nice boy. he thought i was worth pursuing and he told me he wanted to take care of me and see if our relationship might ultimately end in marriage. from the moment he started taking interest, i always wondered why. how could he, a man that has seemingly never done anything wrong in his life, want to court a tainted trainwreck like myself? i entered into the relationship anyway, but eventually could not take the self-imposed feelings of unworthiness and decided to end it. i didn't really have a great reason to do so, however. i mean, the guy was practically perfect on paper! i ended up doing the only thing i knew would make me feel guilty enough to cut ties between us: i failed to resist the advances of another boy. i thought that if i could prove that i was so unworthy of dating him, it would force me to end something i truly did want and it would ultimately be in his best interest; he needed to be away from a girl such as me. after all, i'm not a girl worth pursuing. since then, i have dated no one else and a few years have gone by. i cut myself off from having any desire to date again and convinced myself that i neither needed nor wanted a man. i closed my heart off and blamed it on my busyness and independence, afraid to ever really be happy in a relationship again. i have literally been self-destructively thinking that in some way, paying penance for past mistakes would eventually make things right. oh, i have been deceived. i have settled for less on many occasions, did things i ought not to do, and thought that all along it was what i was resigned to for the rest of my life.

most of the time i am so far removed from the person i was so many years ago when i was steeped in an unhealthy relationship full of sin. i look at myself and say, "that's not who you are anymore. you've changed." that works a lot of the time (except in the aforementioned relationship with Great Christian Boy) and when people tease me about my past, i normally laugh it off and make light of it. after all, it's history. well, this past week that didn't work so well for me. let's just say that some joking was going on that didn't really feel a whole lot like joking...i got up from the table and ran off crying...for four hours. i was a wreck and all the lies i'd been fighting for so long overwhelmed me and i gave in. i had not felt so much shame in such a long time, as the comments were reminders of the tarnished girl i used to be. i cried out asking God, "when do i get to be free? when will i ever be able to stop paying penance for the past?" i was hysterical. when i finally arrived back to the room that night, i had one of the most amazing conversations with the girl that teased me. she cried, i cried...and i walked away feeling as if something truly beautiful had come from it all. it was a time of confession, a time of encouragement, and a time of truly fellowshipping the way i believe Jesus intends for it to be all the time. there is beauty in brokenness.

okay, i tell you all that to say this: i serve one amazing God. He threw me for a loop today. a dear friend of mine that now lives far away sent a package in the mail that arrived this morning. it was addressed to myself and two other girls and included a book for the three of us to read as well as individualized letters for each of us. i bawled when i read mine. the letter was dated the same day as my hysteria, but had been written at 5:33 am, long before the incident. My friend had been unable to sleep and instead had stayed up praying for my friends and myself and writing to us. she tells me why she wants me to read the book...

"this last chapter i read caused me to think of you specifically because it told the story of a woman who was ruled by the thoughts and lies that she wasn't good enough and was undeserving of a life free of shame and guilt because of her past. i know this is something you've wrestled with and even the other day on the phone a shimmer of doubt showed up in our conversation when you were talking about ***** because of 'your past.' Stac, those thoughts are crippling lies and choke all hope you deserve from your dreams and your life. don't look back on your life unless you can do it with the truth and knowledge of God's faithfulness. this is what matters! there is no other reason to look back because when we do that, we are only preventing ourselves from hoping and dreaming and living in the freedom that God loved us enough to rescue us. you deserve better because you are His child! You are not the person you once were! believe it, sister! :)"

isn't that amazing that she was praying for me concerning this struggle area of my life, not knowing that that very evening, i would face what i did? i feel so thankful that i was covered in prayer. despite how hard those four hours were, i hate to know how i would have handled things without someone standing in the gap for me. God has blessed me so, and if that doesn't demonstrate the redeeming love my God offers me, i'm not sure what does.

maybe a little personal (and a little long) tonight? sorry. i'm just tired of hiding.