only 24 days left...

i write with a sense of urgency tonight as i sit in the internet cafe watching indians ride by on their bicycles and see mothers walking barefoot while carrying their half-naked babies. the sights and sounds and smells of india still surprise me at times, but i have fallen in love with the culture. i can't even begin to express what the thought of leaving does to me, although johnson (the man that started the orphanage) says, "you will be back." i pray that i will, but life doesn't give us guarantees, so in the mean time, i am attempting to soak up every last bit of india that i can. i write with urgency because of the incredible increase in spiritual warfare we have experienced as of late. elizabeth said it best today when she remarked, "i knew this was going too smoothly." we have encountered some issues that are requiring difficult conversations lately and so i ask that you would be praying fervently now. please be praying that the trusting relationships we have established with the staff here would not be destroyed by these conversations and that they would understand our place here is only to love and serve and that everything is in their best interest. sometimes it is so hard to communicate that over such large cultural barriers. please also be praying for wisdom of the board of directors and for unity within the organization. we know God has a bigger plan here than we originally imagined and we simply want to communicate the message He desires. please also be praying for the many needs the orphanage has: more staff members, pillows, sewing machines, buildings, etc. they simply do not have everything necessary to run the orphanage the way it should be, so ask that God would provide. i trust He will.

we visited kanyakumari last sunday and my journaling that night was heavy laden to say the least. i passed by the tsunami memorial, marking the point where thousands were wiped out by that terrible tragedy. i sat on a ledge overlooking the ocean...right beside a small building where people were offering prayers to some of the 33 million gods worshiped in this country. india is a country bound by hinduism and it was never so evident to me as it was last weekend. i watched a lady prepare her bed for the night on the side of the walkway and passed by numerous beggars crouched next to buildings. one young boy was leaning on his side on the ground. as i got closer, i could see that it was because he did not have legs from the knees down or arms from the elbows down. i did notice, however, that he had a smile on his face as he conversed with another man. he was basically laying in dirt and trash and i'm sure was assaulted by the pungent odor of urine and body odor that was all around. but he had found something to smile about. i pray that whatever it was it has its foundation in God, but there was still something to learn from this boy. i didn't know what to do with myself that night and when i remember it, i still don't. i weep at the overwhelming weight of our world situation and my eyes are shocked at the poverty i witness outside the walls of the home. where does one, with the help of God, even begin? before i flew to india, i thought on many occasions that God could use me to change the world. on that night, i seriously questioned that. how could i, as one young girl, possibly make a dent in this manmade mess? i haven't been able to answer that question as of now, but i don't feel quite as discouraged now as i did then. i know God cares and i know the plight of His people breaks His heart even more than mine, so i rest in that knowledge.

english was very hard this week, as the indians have no words for helping verbs! "do, does, did, has, had, have, would, could, should, can, may, might, must, shall, be, been, being, am, is, are"...none of these words exist in their language! try explaining that! it was difficult, but we got though and i think they have a fairly good grasp on it. indians are quick learners! speaking of learning though, i'm learning a little tamil of my own. the kids love quizzing us in the evenings, so we study before we head over there. they told us if we don't, we will be in trouble! ha. i guess it's only fair to learn their language if we are asking them to learn ours. we also took our cameras down to the home tuesday evening. it was chaos! "sister, one picture! sister! sister!" oh my goodness, i can't even describe the madness that ensued for an hour. it was totally worth it though...i got some really awesome pictures and video to bring home to show all of you. i can't post it here now for safety reasons, but will almost the minute i get home! :) when i left that evening, the girls were telling me they loved me in english. i melted, but was quickly surprised when i was hugged fiercely and then kissed on the lips! it didn't bother me, but i wondered if it was culturally okay. no one seems to care though, as i have been kissed numerous times since then. when i told them i loved them back, i really wanted to say, "i love you too and i have for months, before we even knew one another."

on wednesday nivya came by our room to try american snacks and we showed her pictures of the states and introduced her to our music. she loved fruit snacks and granola bars! that afternoon we headed over early because the staff asked us if we would wear their saris. before i knew what was happening, the entire female staff was in the room and i was half dressed! i felt very embarrassed knowing they are very modest, but they didn't seem to care. we took lots of pictures with them, but the kids would hardly touch us! nivya said it was because they were staring at our beauty, but it was like a whole different level of respect wearing those things! the most well-off staff member probably only has 10 saris to her name, each costing $5 which is considered very expensive here. her life's wardrobe costs $50 and she was so honored to have us dressed in her finest. it was a humbling experience. she did sneak away, however, and put on my dress from home. it was very funny and we shared a picture in our swapped outfits. on my way back to our room that night, we encountered a snake on out path. very small, but still. i yelled, "snake!" because liz was about to step on it, so i didn't have time to describe its size. jess and liz took off running down the path. hysterical. johnson was so worried about us though that he walked us to the road with a flashlight for dinner that night and even called ahead to tell the others at the home about the "scared American girls." hahaha. he is our caretaker and now we call him "tata," which is an affectionate term for grandfather in tamil. we said to him this afternoon, "you will miss us when we are gone." he paused for a moment and replied, "it will be as if i am losing three of my children." i cried again. big surprise.

thursday night was spent on the roof. it has been overcast almost the whole time we have been here, so when the moon was bright and the stars were out, we headed up to the roof. we prayed and sang worship songs together there and God certainly met us on that roof. i was left in awe of my Creator that night and as we poured our hearts out in prayer to Him, i know He was listening in our midst and was pleased with what He heard. my continual prayer is that He would be enough. i do not desire to place my trust in the things of this world, but rather in the One that made the entire universe. it kills me to think of how easily satisfied i am most of the time. i settle for the rags of men when He desires to bless me with eternal riches. i notice only outward appearances, but God wants to teach me to look inwardly. i choose to remain in bondage as He wants to extend me freedom. at the end of my life, i want to look back and thank Him for how He chose to use my life for His Kingdom, not for how much stuff i accumulated that i cannot take with me. i have very little here. 8 outfits and a few books and i have everything i could need. i am living life and am full of joy. the difference is that here in india it is acceptable to not have much to "show" for yourself. i get so discontented in the states because it would be unacceptable to have 8 outfits. who am i to think i deserve a comfortable life or more than what i need? i am ashamed by all the things i often indulge in...i have so much to learn here.

i did have a chance to chat with nivya and gigi about the commonality of individuals living among hindu families that are forced to hide their faith. nivya called them, "true believers." i told her i have never known faith like that, that i have never had to exercise my faith like that. i have never had the perseverance to pray for 12 years for the same thing-- that my family would be saved. our conversation was eye-opening and it blessed me. i hope sharing my heart blessed them as well, even though it is uncommon to be that open with another individual in their culture. i trust He had a hand in it.

eric sent us a postcard today from when he was in dubai. among other things it said, "keep journaling, as your time there will be over soon." i was reading it in the middle of our morning session with the kids and tried to keep my emotion in check, but began to cry thinking of leaving them. they were worried and when they asked why, i had nivya explain that i loved them and was dreading saying goodbye. at that, rehka placed her head on my shoulder and began to cry too. the thing is, the children keep saying, "coming back next year." we tell them no, but still they seem to believe we will be back then. i may never see them again in my life, so i know that in three sundays when we have to say goodbye, many hearts will be broken. i believe they love us just as much as we love them. i continue to pray for a heart that loves boldly.

we will be at the hospital starting tuesday evening this week, so we will be away from the children until sunday. i don't know if we will have internet access there and the following week we may go to kanyakumari to buy souvenirs, etc. so there is no guarantee i will have access to post for the rest of my time here. please pray that we do, but know that if we do not, God is remaining faithful and i am remembering all of you. thank you for being my cloud of witnesses and being part of this. love you all, all the way from india.