ben and i had a chance to go "pick out a tree" (artificial from target-ha) a few nights ago and had fun decorating. all the ornaments i brought from home have my name on it somewhere because my mom has been gifting them to me every christmas for as long as i can remember. it was a bit sad taking them from home, but it's also nice to see them on the tree here. all of ben's are store-bought ornaments his mom sent with him, so between the two of us, it turned out pretty well. it's still in some desperate need of an angel on top, but we'll get to that sometime before christmas i'm sure.stella also had fun helping.


















speaking of stella, she's been quite a pill today. ben woke up this morning to a newly-purchased, destroyed wallet. many of its contents were irreparable, but she managed to miss everything important: license, health insurance card, credit card, asbury id, etc. while eating everything not-so-important: borders card, blockbuster card, etc. ben commented, "it's almost like she decided 'i want to punish them, but i don't want to be too mean.'" ahaha. we also went to a movie tonight and when we returned to ben's apartment, discovered stella had eaten the blu-ray remote...i got a tad hysterical when i couldn't find the other battery for a while, but it turns out when she bit into it, she didn't like the taste of whatever was inside. right next to the obliterated remote? her very expensive, chicken-flavored bone. i think we have a dog who feels neglected. i'm looking forward to going to days next week simply so we can spend more time with her. between ben's class schedule and me working at night and sleeping all day, stella has had a lot of alone time lately. we'll be remedying that soon and hopefully we'll have a content pup once again.

until next time,
stace

i love that oswald chambers.

As part of my devotions tonight, I read Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest" and found one sentence to be extremely challenging and profound:

God’s revelation of Himself to me is influenced by my character, not by God’s character.

I encourage you to search online for the devotional thought yourself, but the jist of it centers around obedience. Chambers writes that his goal is "God Himself...At any cost, dear Lord, by any road", conceding that he is willing to do it God's way in order to reach that goal, fully obedient to whatever the Lord calls him to in order to know Him better. He goes on to say that "this work of obedience is the evidence that the nature of God is in me" and "the promises of God are of no value to us until, through obedience, we come to understand the nature of God."

Wow. It seems so elementary to realize that my outward actions of obedience reflect the Spirit that lives inside me, but that's exactly what happened tonight. I often like to believe (falsely) that my spiritual growth and maturation has more to do with what the Lord desires and chooses to do in my life rather than any sort of responsibility on my own part; if I just wait around long enough, God will supernaturally pop in and out, transforming as He sees fit. Therefore, it was hard to swallow Chambers' words that "God's revelation of Himself to me is influenced by my character, not by God's character." Essentially, the more proficient in obedience I become, the more I demonstrate faithfulness in the small things, the more God will reveal Himself to me. Again, elementary? Probably. Something I knew before? Most likely. Beneficial to hear it a different way? Definitely. Thanks, Oswald. I suppose the ball is in my court.

In other news, Southland is getting ready to finish up a sermon series called "Dirty Laundry" dealing with the issue of sin. Ben and I missed last week because we were out of town, but the church has made a website (www.clotheslineconfessions.com) where people can "air" their dirty laundry. It's completely anonymous and the website will be taken down after the completion of the series as a way to symbolically demonstrate the forgiveness of the sins confessed. I have to admit that I live a life that is far from perfect, but I have been shocked by many of the things posted. The Church is most definitely full of hurting and broken people...I know many look in from the outside and proclaim that we're all just a bunch of hypocrites, but what better place for hurting and broken people to go than church?

As I waded through many of the confessions though, my heart was just burdened. Almost every entry chronicles the emptiness and shame sin leaves in its wake, but almost every entry also touches on the chronic nature of that sin. What is it about us as humans that compels us to continually return to methods we know don't work? To lifestyles that leave us more messed up than we were before? As a dog returns to its vomit... What was more amazing to me as I was reading though, more than the inherent sinful nature bent on self-destruction, more than the lack of obedience to God, self-control, etc. was the realization that I serve a God that loves every single one of us despicable hypocrites and sinners fully, and that one day, He's going to make it right again and restore us. I love that promise. I'm clinging to it tonight.

And if you're looking for a whole bunch of people to add to your prayers, check out the website.

love your neighbors.

taking stella out to potty is not my favorite task and i know it will only get worse as the cold winter months come our way...but i have to admit it's a bit exciting when we walk out the front door of ben's apartment because we never know if the skittish, wandering kitty will be napping behind the nearby bush. stella particularly enjoys pursuing the cat, dragging me along by her leash.

upon my arrival from work a few nights ago, ben says, "i may or may not have set some milk out for a cat that may or may not exist." great. i enjoy watching stella take off after the cat while ben encourages it's stay.

fast forward to last night's humorous conversation.
ben (after taking stella out): "the kitty drank all the milk."
me: "yeah, i saw the empty bowl."
ben: "i'm going to go feed our cat again."
me: "ben..."
ben: "well what's the poor cat going to do during the winter?! it's going to starve to death!"
me (feeling a bit of compassion): "are you planning on making this cat ours?"
ben (as i hear the refrigerator door creak open): "no..."
me: what kind of milk are you giving her? (skim and whole are both in the fridge.)
ben: whole! straight from the teat!
me: ahahahahaha.

i love that man. i may not be very fond of the cat that may soon become ours, but i do adore that man. i suppose i have a few more things to learn about what it really means to "love your neighbor"... :)

latest happenings.

it seems lately that i have to remind myself of the things i am thankful for. sad? probably. realistic? most definitely. so starting a day out right (i worked night shift last night), here goes...

1. my Jesus...His love is constant, never-changing, and His forgiveness and grace are amazing and overwhelming.
2. ben. our love continues to grow and mature and i enjoy every moment we're blessed to spend together. sometimes i wonder how on earth i did life without him...he's certainly a gift.
3. Bible study girls. they are a breath of fresh air and i am so thankful God provided 7:45 on sunday evenings.
4. time with family. between ben's sister, cousin, and cousin's wife being here on friday to sunday and my parents staying here monday on their way back to indiana, the weekend was full of loved ones. i couldn't have asked for anything better.
5. stella. she loves ben and i unconditionally every day and more than most people, shows me Christ. silly? maybe, but besides that, she's hysterically quirky and entertaining. despite her bouts with lots of vomiting and diarrhea, we love her. (we figured out what it is though--bones! every time stella eats dog bones, here comes the good ol' v&d. sorry, stell! no more!)
6. today's sunshine. kentucky weather has been so dreary up until the last few days...it's so good to feel the sun on your face.

i feel better already. it's amazing how sitting back and focusing on all the things in life i have to be thankful for changes my perspective immensely. i won't lie--things have been really discouraging and hard at work these past few weeks. i made the transition to night shift and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. pacu is crazy at night and there simply aren't enough hands. i'm dreading coming off orientation next week...but i have to believe God will provide. ben has been my biggest encourager, reminding me where to keep my focus and to have some confidence, but i'm weak a lot. i cry before i have to go in, i cry when i leave, i cry when i'm at home just thinking about having to go back. sometimes i wonder if i have what it takes, so i guess we'll just have to wait and see...but if you're reading, please be praying. i need strength that is far beyond my human capability right now.

well, it's time to return some phone calls and do the good ol' dishes. hope you all have a blessed day!

here are just a few pictures from our fun weekend! the first was taken at the henry clay estate here in lexington and the second was taken at keeneland--the horse racing park. ben and i stopped to watch a few on sunday afternoon!

krispy kreme.

at dinner a few nights ago...
ben: "i know it's a bit out of the ordinary and spontaneous, but at midnight tonight we're going to krispy kreme to get donuts! and you're going to eat one!"
me: laughter...lots of laughter.
krispy kreme is our idea of spontaneous and exciting?! ahaha. i must be getting very old.

other than that, not a whole lot of new things to report here...i'm starting to feel more comfortable in my role as a nurse and am learning that i have a LOT more autonomy than i could have imagined i would in nursing school. i'm becoming more assertive which is a definite must and i don't ask nearly as many questions or make nearly as many silly mistakes. yay! when oct. 26th roles around and i come off orientation though, i could use some prayer! i'm already anticipating a sleepless night the night before!

things have also improved greatly in the last few weeks concerning my relationship with the
Lord as well (maybe part of the reason work seems to be going better too, right?). we're connecting again and i'm choosing to put Him first. it's a wonderful thing to be in love with your Savior...i have a long way to go and will always just be a "work in progress", but it's such a great feeling when you know you're making decisions and living your life in a way that honors Him.

ben and i are great...i love him more every single day and sometimes can't believe how blessed i am to spend our life together. i'm nearing some decisions in the way of wedding planning which is a definite plus and i am actually enjoying having a lot of time to plan it, as it's taking a lot of stress out of the mix. still, i can't wait for june 26th to get here! :)

incredibly blessed.

i am quite possibly the most incredibly blessed girl i know...i have a job that i enjoy (even if i am completely underqualified), a family that loves and supports me through-and-through, friends that encourage me and desire to rub lives with me (even if they're not near), a fiance that loves me more and more like Christ everyday, and a God that relentlessly pursues and redeems me. even in brief moments that feel dark and hopeless, i am surrounded by people and a God that believe i'm worth it.

i will admit (and i say this with only from the perspective of my own little life-- i am very aware that many others are going through incredibly difficult things right now), life has been harder than usual lately. i've been stressed, very overwhelmed, and felt inadequate on nearly a daily basis. i've been sick, tired, and have been fighting aches and pains that just won't go away. i have ben, but i feel alone sometimes--i need Godly women here and finding them just hasn't been as easy as i thought it would be. needless to say amidst all my complaining, i have been weary and my strength is dwindling. unfortunately, i really only let ben see the majority of these overwhelming feelings. i'm not sure my parents really know or any of my friends from home for that matter. it presents itself in biting comments, irritability, and just overall grumpiness. i've even had to apologize to my dog stella from time to time.

so, last night i had a meltdown. it was a long time in coming and a bit inevitable i suppose. all those feelings have to go somewhere, right? i don't know if anyone else ever has moments where they sob uncontrollably and have no idea why they're crying, but i did. after i finally calmed down, i was able to think about where the torrent of tears was coming from and i came to this conclusion: i've been doing this all in my own strength. i haven't been asking for God's help, i haven't been relying on Him, i haven't run to Him when things have been overwhelming or i've been lonely. to no fault of his own, i've run to ben. he's here, his arms are readily available, and well, he's the love of my life. it's so easy to do, but as a result, my relationship with my Lord has suffered. i realized last night that i can't continue on the way i have been going and i certainly can't enter into a marriage without having my priorities in line. God is my first love, my redeemer, my best friend. it's unfair to ben, the Lord, and myself to put that much stock in one person.

not everything that has resulted from my mixed up priorities has been a bad thing however. i have watched ben develop (more) patience, compassion, grace, forgiveness, understanding, and love in his spirit toward me over the last few months. he has always embodied these things, but as he has loved me the way Christ loves the church, i have watched these characteristics blossom. (i'll go ahead and take credit for helping God mold ben into a more Christ-like man-- ha.) i am not the least bit afraid of pledging my love, devotion, and the rest of my life to ben because he has proven to me over and over again that he regards my life higher than he does his own. i love him and am so humbled that he chose me. i certainly don't deserve him, but i am grateful.

still, all that being said, ben will have to continue the development of all those wonderful qualities a different way. i vow, with the Lord's help, to make Him first in my life again. i want more of Him, i want to love Him better, i want to know Him intimately. i know all that our relationship can be and i'm finally ready to put forth the effort again. that is why i am so thankful for a God that relentlessly pursues me tonight; i know that this deep hunger to be back in His continual presence is a desire placed in my heart only by Him. i love you, Lord, because You first loved me.

stella, the newest member of our (almost) family

just wanted to take a moment to introduce stella...
ben and i's new golden.

she was kindly gifted to us by my brother and sister-in-law
and we've taken to her and she to us quite wonderfully.
it's already weird to think about an empty apartment without her...

currently, she's eating one of the expensive organic bones
we purchased for her yesterday at bluegrass barkery.
we spent three hours,
too much money,
and came home with three bags of "stella" things.

we have incessantly taken pictures of her
for the past 48 hours.
here are a few for your enjoyment.
she's beautiful.

unbelief.

i'm a conundrum of emotions this morning, but that pretty much sums up the way i've felt most of the summer...but this conundrum isn't due to the MANY transitions my life has gone through in a matter of months or the fact that i did my first set of chest compressions on a woman yesterday, watched her regain a pulse, tell her family she loved them, and then pass away an hour later. it is not from the joy of being engaged only to realize the stress of making wedding decisions all while considering everyone else's feelngs, opinions, and schedules, nor is it from being in lexington, virtually without a soul i know, trying to find my place. i am a conundrum of emotions...

my faith is being tested.
i am being stretched.
it hurts.
and i really prefer that it would stop.

over the last few weeks, i have felt unsettled in my relationship with the Lord, like things could be and have been so much more than they are right now. i have been more than inconsistent in my devotional life and because of that, more hesistant to do it when i actually desire it and set my mind to it-- why? well, if Jesus were my actual tangible best friend kate, i'd be pretty afraid to approach her and discuss why i've been so in and out of her life lately, using her only for my benefit...i would expect her anger. i know the Lord is far more gracious and loving and merciful than my best friend kate, but in those moments, my unworthiness is so evident and i become ashamed and wonder what gives me the right to enter into His presence...but, as the Scriptures say, God is faithful even when I am not because He cannot deny Himself (2 tim 2:13). faithfulness is so etched into His character that even when i am completely failing on my end of things, it is impossible for Him to fail me. this feeling of being unsettled (and some very strategic sermons aimed directly at me) have brought me to a place of action. i can't continue on like this...and i don't want to. i don't want to just go through the motions. this past sunday at church the pastor said, "a radical love requires a radical commitment." Jesus radically loves me. i am praying He would teach me how to radically love Him and live for only Him in return.

my eyes have been opened to the complacency of my relationship with Him, but He has also spoken very clearly into my life the last few days. this is what i refer to when i say my faith is being tested. some of the things He has asked me to do are already being challenged. i am meeting opposition and i don't yet feel ready to fight back. but i suppose that has been a glitch in my thinking all along...i don't need to fight. He will. Him through me. i will admit that i'm struggling however. one thing God has asked me to do is believe someone in my life that i feel has betrayed me, to go against all human wisdom and an overwhelming amount of evidence and simply trust someone He has called me to trust. at times i feel ready to do this...but as i let my mind wander, get my eyes off of Him, and consider the situation, all i can say is, "it is impossible! there is no way i can trust what is being said...it makes no sense." inadvertantly, i believe God is teaching me a lesson about myself. but asking me to have faith and be gracious and loving in a situation that is hard for me to swallow and wrap my mind around? i'm at a crossroads of sorts, but i am determined to be obedient, to listen and follow the Lord even when it doesn't add up. it's hard. really, really hard. and my faith is so small.

Lord, help my unbelief.

it's about that time...

it seems that a monthly update is in order...i hate that i don't get the chance to write more often (or make the time), but now seemed like a good time to catch up.

a lot has been going on-- big surprise there, right? (so much so that i have 5 voicemails that have been waiting on my phone for nearly two days--haven't had a moment to check them! although i am taking the time to update i suppose...ha.) i've made a few trips to lexington in the last month and finally made a decision about a housing situation. ben and i will both be living in an apartment complex called raintree and i was really pleased with the price for the quality. ben's front door is about 50 ft away from mine which will come in handy when i need my closets to be checked for bad guys. seriously. (i'll explain more about my creepy nightmares in a moment!) i'm not exactly sure how often we'll really see one another, as i work nights and sleep during the day and he has class in the afternoons and evenings. we'll see. i suppose it does help that i'm only tied up three days a week and he only has class four; i just hope they're not on opposite days! anyway, about those nightmares...i'm sure they're happening because my mind runs wild while i'm awake. even with my parents in the bedroom next to me, i fear an intruder breaking into the house and harming us all. every creak i hear (and our house creaks a lot) i think someone has arrived. ben has been on the phone with me during such episodes and i really do freak out quite a bit. one night i slept with a knife next to me in bed...i woke the next morning to an email filled with lots of Spripture verses ben encouraged me to memorize to fight the terrors. it's been getting better and i realize a lot of it probably is spiritual attack-- i think i've also been dwelling on the fact that i'm going to be all alone in lexington, coming home to an empty apartment, and fearing what might be awaiting me. maybe a self-defense class is in order too. ha. anyway, i'll be fine! but seriously, if anyone wants to come visit and stay for oh...5 weeks or so, you're more than welcome. ha.

so, housing is done and job is obtained. i took the NCLEX examination on the 2nd of june and was successful! it's definitely another weight lifted from my shoulders. may was set aside for a lot of studying and i remained fairly diligent. i think it paid off and i'm glad now that i didn't take kaplan after all. i was definitely nervous when everyone that took it was passing and i realized maybe i'd made a mistake. now i'm just glad i have $400 more in my bank account. ben drove up on monday so he could accompany me tuesday...what a good boyfriend. as i was walking to meet his car afterwards he asked, "how was it?" i only had time to reply, "it was awful!" when i arrived at the open window and spied a dozen roses mixed in among baby's breath and beautiful carnations (seriously, i'm not usually one for carnations, but they are beautiful!). i felt really blessed...until after i arrived home an hour later and burst into tears wailing dramatically, "i failed! i failed!" everyone has their moment, right? :) we left for lexington the next morning, i tried to take my mind off of NCLEX, and we had a great time. i was able to check my results thursday evening and made everyone stay away when i did. but alas, the glorious word was there in tiny, insignificant letters: passed. i was expecting music and a creepy clown to appear on the screen carrying balloons screaming its congratulations. apparently pearson doesn't get as excited as i do about passing. ha.

well, what since then, right? i guess the real question is, what not since then? i'm helping coach a 14-under girls softball team and trying to spend as much time with my friends and family all while attending/being in weddings, trying to plan and prepare for my open house/going away party (i shopped until midnight at four different grocery stores last night! why don't all the grocery stores carry the same items?!), buy furniture and accumulate things for a home, and prepare ben some very important going-away-to-africa-gifts. and let me go ahead and say that being crafty has had its low points: i've injured myself to the point of blood and experienced deep pain...all for ben. and since when does wal-mart stop selling very important items (in my mind) in the store and only offer them online? i'm telling you, they're sucking you into the shipping prices...$14 to get the desired item here by next tuesday. silliness. there will be sweet satisfaction when it's all said and done. *sigh. next week is filled with more of the same as i travel to chicago for some friends' wedding...to sing! i'm scared. but, no one will be looking at me anyway. or listening to me i hope. ha.

but i'm going to go ahead and apologize if you haven't heard from me since i've been home. everytime i think things are going to slow down and i'll be able to spend time with people, make commitments, etc. it just gets faster. it's not because you're not loved or important-- i promise. i just wish everyday had 30 hours and not 24.

now off to check those voicemails... :) and for your viewing pleasure, a picture from my college roommate's wedding this past weekend. enjoy.

just another day at the library...

i'm convinced that the employees here at the crawfordsville public library see the same people at the same time each week. i'm currently sitting on a fairly comfortable couch myself, staring out the nicely polished HUGE windows watching the traffic go by. (i think i've spied a few people i know from my vantage point and let's just say they're not all people i want to run into during my time in town!) anyway, next to me an older middle-aged gentleman sits with his laptop playing endless games of spider solitaire (although i think he's winning most) and his brow furrowed with his hand upon his forehead. i'm gonna go ahead and guess he's a regular...behind me at one of the tables sits an older man reading a magazine. he is accompanied by his Down's syndrome son who is also reading a magazine. they were in here last thursday same time i was (i've been studying for NCLEX...ugh). in fact, there are six other people in this particular room with me this morning and i recognize four of them just from the three short hours i was here last week. interesting.

i can't exactly say that the thing i'm looking forward to most about aging is heading to the public library everyday to catch up on my reading or play countless games of spider solitaire on my computer. but in a lot of ways, i long for a life that simple, that carefree. lately things have been hectic (to say the least). i have mixed feelings about where this next chapter of life is taking me and at any point during the day, i may be feeling one of twenty different emotions. excitement and peace are the emotions superceding them all, but sometimes doubt, fear, sadness, longing, or even anger seem to creep into the mess. girls tend to be emotional rollercoasters anyway (thanks, eve) and this transition seems to be having a synergistic effect on the height of the hills and angle of the turns on said rollercoaster ride. still, i'm enjoying being at home, spending time with my parents, and am looking forward to soaking in these last few months of freedom before i truly enter "the real world." and despite my ever-changing emotions, i have confidence that i serve a God that is never-changing. when i sit before Him in prayer or open His Word, nothing but peace floods my soul. i can't quite figure out why i still like to let my eyes drift from His glorious face, but in the quiet times i am reminded that He truly is leading me and that He truly is in control. just gotta hang onto that peace...

quick update:
1. i am currently living in crawfordsville.
2. i will be working just a few days a week in indianapolis.
3. i am studying for my NCLEX (state boards) examination.
4. i accepted a job on friday as an RN in the PACU at University of Kentucky's Chandler Hospital.
5. i start july 6th!
6. i'm moving to lexington at the end of june/1st of july. (i have no furniture though! ahaha.)
7. i will miss numerous people that have blessed and continue to bless my life.
8. i'm super terrified of living alone.
9. things with ben are great...he'll be moving to lexington in august.
10. my dog currently has cancer, is on the fritz, and i'm most scared of leaving her right now.
11. i secretly can't wait to get some experience as a nurse and then head overseas! i'm jealous of everyone traveling (especially elizabeth fleck!) this summer. ha.

so, some good news mixed in with the not-so-good, but overall, i can't complain. it's a beautiful day outside and i am loved deeply by my Creator.

i wanna go back to india...

i became overwhelmed tonight, more overwhelmed than i've been in a long time. no worries-- this isn't a "i'm-super-stressed-about-my-future, i-have-no-idea-what-is-going-on, i-have-WAY-too-much-to-do" kind of overwhelmed.

i became overwhelmed with the utter beauty of my Lord tonight. between crazy weeks filled with commitments and then the lovely sickness of this past week, i haven't been left with much of an opportunity to attend an actual service lately. i guess i hadn't realized how much my spirit had been longing for it. as i worshipped, singing words relaying my absolute poverty and need for Jesus, i felt the Lord ever-so-near.

every now and again, i am ashamed to admit, it hits me: He died for me. He sent His Son for me. Jesus suffered for me. what have I ever done to deserve such a sacrifice? nothing. and most of the time, i don't even convey my gratitude. it should never have to "hit" me that i possess the precious gift of salvation and all the anguish and tears and pain that went into offering it to me. in those moments, i see my dirtiness and brokenness again and am filled anew with humility and gratitude. my Jesus is absolutely beautiful.

thank You for reminding me of how You love me, Lord, and thank You for redemption. thank You for offering me the invaluable and precious, sacrificial and holy gift of salvation.

updates!

this could end up being fairly lengthy, so i'll try a numerical list of updates in semi-chronological order...

1. i'm in love with a boy and he's the absolute best thing that's ever happened to me (i could write a novel about ben...)
2. i was invited to join sigma theta tau international, a nursing honor society. $40 later, i'm now a member.
3. thatta passed away on february 20th (indiana time) and not a day goes by that i don't think about him. i find myself unwilling to discuss it very much though-- the hurt is overwhelming sometimes. i miss india, i miss him, i miss my children...more than i ever thought possible 8 months later. india continues to change my life.
4. ben and i traveled to florida together for spring break and even though we met some unexpected obstacles and the weather wasn't great, we had a wonderful time.
5. on the way to florida, we stopped at asbury for ben's graduate school visit. he got accepted and will be attending asbury in august!
6. we also stopped in nashville for my job interview with vanderbilt university medical center. it went well, lasted an hour, and i don't find out the results until mid-april, but it's kind of a moot point now (see #11).
7. i've decided i hate getting up early. for two weeks, i wasn't able to sleep past 6:30 am and most mornings it was 5:00 or 5:30 am...those were a miserable and grouchy two weeks. ha.
8. i love my leadership and management clincal, even if i'm not a huge fan of the class. my preceptor is amazing and although i never would have considered a position in administration before, it's something i think i would eventually like to do.
9. i also love critical care and cannot wait to be a critical care nurse someday! between now and then though, God is going to have to toughen up this little heart of mine-- it breaks easily.
10. i was asked to be in katie and justin's wedding! i'm so excited and i just love those two. i have no doubt their marriage will be a blessing to everyone around them.
11. since ben will be right outside lexington for the next two years, i've decided i will be too! i'm starting to apply for jobs at the university of kentucky and hopefully will start my own graduate studies there in about a year-ish.
12. i'm going to register for NCLEX soon. kinda makes me want to die a little...ah!
13. i'm broke...more broke than i've been in years. i may be soliciting grandma for a loan. ha.
14. i'm now on my fourth day holed away in my room. the stomach flu started on friday, i thought i was getting better yesterday, and then it reared it's ugly head last night. ben took me to the ER because i was experiencing the worst pain of my entire life.
15. Dilaudid is now my friend. :)
16. i'm currently on Lortab for the pain, so if this entry seems strange, we'll blame it on that.

that might be close to all of it for now...i still have the cutest and most precious niece and nephew in the world and i'm still in love with a boy. life is good.

it's been awhile...and a lot has changed. to be fair, silly blogspot wouldn't let me log in for about a month so we'll blame it partly on that. otherwise, i just haven't had the time-- or made it. last time i checked in, i was anticipating finals. now that seems like a million years ago. i finished another semester, had christmas, took a 12-day trip to florida with my family, celebrated another new year, started my last semester, and got a boyfriend since then. ha. i know that i do practically everything on that list every year around this time, but i surprised you with the boyfriend part. it surprised me too. but it's been the best surprise i've had in a long time.

i've had some not so good surprises these last few months as well: johnson (my thatta from india) is not doing well and i also discovered i probably will not be able to travel back there as i'd hoped this summer. ugh. johnson's health has been a rollercoaster the last month and it has certainly done a few loops with my emotions as well. today, after a depressing update, i cried through chapel and then again in critical care class. i just don't know what to do anymore or even how to pray (which is convenient considering i asked jess and liz to get together tonight to interceded on his behalf). at one point along this rollercoaster, i was really okay with the Lord calling him home. johnson has been so faithful and as one email stated it, he's "ready to see his Creator." i suppose i can celebrate for him when i consider that aspect. but then he started to get better...and i got my hopes up. another turn for the worse, another time of getting better, another turn for the worse, another time of getting better, etc. etc. etc. at this point, i just want him to get well and stay well! liz and jess might possibly be heading back there this summer and i have a big hug that i need them to give him. during worship in chapel today, i felt as if everyone else just faded away. it was just me and the Lord meeting and with my most earnest cries, i begged Him to save johnson. i know He heard my prayers...He always does. if i learned anything in india, it is that. but i felt like i heard God tell me what He so often does: "entrust him to My care, beloved. i love him far more than you ever could. he has been a good and faithful servant and i desire to bless him not only in this life, but the next. relinquish this hold and desperation, for this life is a mere glimpse of the goodness i have planned for eternity. celebrate and be joyful...johnson will be with me." how do you argue with the Creator of the universe, the all-powerful and holy God? you don't. so, i stopped my crying and begging and simply prayed for His will to be done. even if i don't like it, i can obediently say Thy will be done, Father.

in other news, i applied for the nurse residency program at vanderbilt medical center this past week. ah! it was the first real step i took toward anything relating to life post-graduation. this is not a small thing, people, as i have been avoiding it like the plague. i realized after i mailed the application that i hadn't even told my parents i was doing it though-- oops. it shouldn't come as a surprise to them; they've always known i wanted to get away from indiana. it's just that no one in my family actually thinks i'll go through with it. and maybe i won't. i have no idea. i just know that i'm praying for God to open doors and lead me where He sees fit. wherever the gifts and abilities He's given me can be used to glorify Him best, that's where i want to be. i'm open and flexible and uh, somewhat ready. ha. i figure i've got a lifetime to find the right fit-- i'll get it eventually. so in the meantime, i'm going to start applying other places and see where it goes. otherwise come april 25th, i'm outta luck. there's no more delaying...

let's see...florida with the family was fun. but long. i was there for 12 days because mom, dad, and i flew down on christmas eve in order to spend christmas with julie and pete. we met the rice's on the 27th, stayed with them for a week, and then headed back to pete's to wait for our monday flight out. by that time, i was about four days overdue and ready to come home. i will admit that most of it was because i missed ben, but more than ever before, i realized on that trip that i am a total introvert. i know i'm completely chatty and enjoy people immensely, but i am dragging pretty terribly if i don't have any alone time. with 18 other members of your family running around all week, there is no such thing as alone time. that part was hard, but after two and a half hours wandering around an outlet mall by myself one evening, i was much much better. julie's car and gps are exactly what i needed. ha. i would never trade the memories i gained that vaca though...mostly my time with grandpa and grandma really. they are two incredible people and i am blessed to know them. they love me so well.

this semester has been an interesting one so far...probably because so many of my relationships have changed. everyone is really involved in their major classes and with the stress of life in general. it's a hard semester because anyone that doesn't know what they're doing in may is now freaking out. i hear it every single day and it reverberates deep within me too. besides that though, i've been trying to balance homework, friends, ben, and sleep. ha. it's been harder than i anticipated, especially considering i enjoy spending most of my time with ben. after a few weeks away though, i'm beginning to see how important my girls are to me. not sure i could do a whole lot of life without them for very long. our relationship is still new and i hate to have to justify it, but it's important for us to be spending time together right now trying to decipher if this is legit or not. if the Lord leads us away from each other after graduation, we're going to need a foundation that seemingly endless nights over the telephone can rest firmly upon. i don't regret being with him so much, i just wish i had more time in the day. ha. still, it'll all work out and i'll get in a routine... :)

i think i hear jess and liz so i'm going, but if you're reading, please be praying for johnson...and the Lord's will to be done. until next time...

stace