never ceased to be amazed...

i feel so silly every time i sit down to write you all, knowing that i left a disclaimer the post before because i never know if i will be able to update. well, God came through again. on our way to the leprosy home yesterday, we passed by an internet cafe within walking distance from our quarters. after i returned home from duty at the medical mission, we made our way here. it is by far the slowest internet i have experienced yet, but all my frustration and squinting is worth being able to share! :)

in case you are a little confused, elizabeth, jessica, and i are in neyyoor right now and have been since tuesday. we will be picked up at 7:15 sunday morning to go to sutheban's (an Indian board member) church where liz will preach, we will do a special song during the service, i will pray a dedication blessing for a new baby, we will lead Bible stories and songs for the Sunday school children, and then help lead a women's fellowship meeting that evening. i am SO overwhelmed and feel very out of my element! i am not a christian ministries major!!! ha. i am also leading chapel for nurses in the morning and uncomfortable with it, but trying to look at it as another opportunity to grow. God calls us all to minister, right? :) anyway, my experiences at the hospital have been...interesting. the first night we all wanted to call Johnson and tell him to let us come back to the orphanage! we were miserable. liz and jess are not big fans of hospitals anyway and this one looks like it came right out of a movie! i'm not kidding-- it's like 1960 nursing and older in many aspects. they have so many needs and look to me as an "American nurse" as if i can save them from their terrible financial situation. nurses here make about $100/month. the anesthesiologist i worked with made $250. the cataract surgery i watched cost $50 and the sigmoid colon cancer excision with anastomes was $375. unreal. i have hardly touched patients (i held a screaming mother's hand during labor-- no epidural and hardly any pain medication-- and helped examine cancer patients today), but have seen SO much and am shocked everyday. where do i even begin? they pray before surgeries that God would remove the bacteria from the air and prevent infection because there is no laminar air flow or even air conditioning! it was 85 degrees as the surgeon sliced open the man's abdomen and i about passed out from the heat. the OR door is open to outside air and nurses ran in and out about 100 times during a 2-hr. procedure. afterward, they wheeled him outside to a different ward in the compound. the best part was that the power went out in the middle of surgery as his intestines were resting nicely on his belly. don't worry, it was only three minutes before the back-up generator came on and besides, he had manual ventilation and anesthesia so the power outage didn't suffocate him. AH! i was having a heart attack watching. did i mention they wear flip-flops all the time, even in surgery?! they said they are "very careful," but sometimes vomit or blood gets on their feet. they just go wash it off. they know who has HIV and hep. B anyway, so no worries. i have so many more instances than these, but you all get the picture. be thankful for american healthcare!!! it doesn't matter that it costs an arm and a leg-- be thankful! be thankful that doctors do not treat our cancer patients with radiation machines from 50 years ago! be thankful that they have morphine and epidurals! i will never again complain about bad bedside manner or discomfort in hospitals. these patients all share one room and sleep on metal gurneys, are wheeled in metal wheelchairs, etc. it is unreal and i really wish i could have taken my camera to get some photos. i met with the medical superintendant this afternoon and she shared stories with me about God's miraculous healings in the hospitals, as that is their only resource at times. she is a phenomenal woman and has asked for our help as we travel back to the states. even equipment that is 10 or 15, even 20 years old would be of help here in this place. if they do not update their machinery soon, i fear that the medical mission started by missionaries in 1838 will be gone. they stand for God in a country shrouded in darkness. being their advocate when i return is a task i am more than happy to undertake. so...if you're reading and God is prompting, please pray for this hospital and the doctors here. they are brilliant, but they have little to work with. so please remember them!

(disclaimer: i am now picking up where i left off yesterday when the power cut out here, so there is a slight time change-- chapel went very well this morning. i praise Him for that and for finishing my time at the hospital well. we visited the children's polio home today. they were charming.)

so, what else has been going on in the last week? well, before we came to neyyoor tuesday evening, we had many heartwarming moments with johnson. he is quite a special man. our difficult conversations that we had to have at the home went over incredibly well, thanks to many prayers from all of you i know. so thank you for that. in all my life, i have never seen so many answered prayers in such a short period of time. i absolutely love it. although this last week at the hospital was challenging and uncomfortable in many ways, we always had the comfort of our God. He is oftentimes the only One i share my thoughts and feelings with; sometimes that is a result of being unable to vocalize them, but other times it is simply because He has become my very best friend. i mean, we were close before, but i have never had to rely upon Him the way that i have these last three and a half weeks. i always had all of you to turn to. i have elizabeth and jessica and i have been so thankful for how God has bonded us together, but really, He has become more vital and special to me in my time here than He ever has before in my life. i thank Him that i know He is using our time here in India not only to point others to Him, but also to draw ourselves closer to Him as well. i like double blessings! :) one of our funnier moments with johnson this week was after we returned one evening. we were standing in the doorway talking to helan and he could not see us. we heard our phone begin to ring and when we ran to get it, it was him calling from across the hall! he said, "well, you were standing in the doorway and i couldn't see you." we thought that was hysterical and so touching. we went to puthievan's (an Indian board member) church on sunday and shared a special song with 500 of them while johnson preached. afterwards we taught the children songs in english and they seemed to enjoy it greatly. one great lesson i learned while there reminded me of the woman in mark 12. she came and gave her all, even though it was nothing in comparison to the rich man. but he had only given a portion. as we sat in the service, unable to understand any tamil, we noticed the offering table close in front of us. underneath it was food given as offerings...mangoes, coconuts, etc. off to the side was one egg someone left. one single egg. in america, that gift would surely be scoffed at, but it was all this person had and they wanted God to have their best, even though in the eyes of the world, it wasn't much. we have no idea what it is like to only have one egg in life, but to give it anyway. i was blown away by this selfless act of sacrifice and seeing it under the table that day is a picture i will never forget. i pray for a heart like the one that offered the egg, a heart that trusts Him fully to provide for me. it's all His anyway. it has taken me a long time to get to this place, but now more than ever i am beginning to understand that absolutely nothing i have in life has had to do with anything i have contributed. like the giver i saw sunday morning, i want to give my all.

dhivya, an 18-year old nursing student at the home, gave us henna tattoos on our hands sunday evening as well. i took pictures of it as it is now fading, but wow! she is incredibly talented. before it was my turn, i played hand slapping games with the children and little Abirami sat on my lap and just giggled. she was making funny faces and tickling me back! i got four kisses from her that day and it's safe to say that if kidnapping were legal, we would have a new citizen of the united states in three weeks! ha. she does have a little brother at the home now though- he arrived that afternoon and is an exact replica of her. they have three cousins there as well and all are grandchildren of the home cook. it is hard to picture, as the cook has seemlingly had a very hard life. her teeth are orange and she is extremely rough around the edges. when we wore our saris the other day, she asked for a picture with us. when i stood beside her, it took a lot within me to wrap around her and not cringe, i am ashamed to say. i prayed for His love though and it was as if i was able to instantly see her worth through His filter. the children love her and she does great work there with a servant's heart. God allowed me to appreciate that about her and i have grown to love her too. my experience with her that evening really helped me recognize my need to pray for His eyes as i was preparing to leave for the hospital. it put a lot of fear in me that when everything inside me revolted at the sight of patients, i would be unable to love them and show them Him. but again, He answered those prayers and was faithful. i never once felt like cringing in their presence and that is DEFINITELY nothing of me.

oh, i have so much more to share, but our driver just arrived to pick us up! next time i will be a better steward of my time. promise! keep praying. i love you all and am so thankful!

only 24 days left...

i write with a sense of urgency tonight as i sit in the internet cafe watching indians ride by on their bicycles and see mothers walking barefoot while carrying their half-naked babies. the sights and sounds and smells of india still surprise me at times, but i have fallen in love with the culture. i can't even begin to express what the thought of leaving does to me, although johnson (the man that started the orphanage) says, "you will be back." i pray that i will, but life doesn't give us guarantees, so in the mean time, i am attempting to soak up every last bit of india that i can. i write with urgency because of the incredible increase in spiritual warfare we have experienced as of late. elizabeth said it best today when she remarked, "i knew this was going too smoothly." we have encountered some issues that are requiring difficult conversations lately and so i ask that you would be praying fervently now. please be praying that the trusting relationships we have established with the staff here would not be destroyed by these conversations and that they would understand our place here is only to love and serve and that everything is in their best interest. sometimes it is so hard to communicate that over such large cultural barriers. please also be praying for wisdom of the board of directors and for unity within the organization. we know God has a bigger plan here than we originally imagined and we simply want to communicate the message He desires. please also be praying for the many needs the orphanage has: more staff members, pillows, sewing machines, buildings, etc. they simply do not have everything necessary to run the orphanage the way it should be, so ask that God would provide. i trust He will.

we visited kanyakumari last sunday and my journaling that night was heavy laden to say the least. i passed by the tsunami memorial, marking the point where thousands were wiped out by that terrible tragedy. i sat on a ledge overlooking the ocean...right beside a small building where people were offering prayers to some of the 33 million gods worshiped in this country. india is a country bound by hinduism and it was never so evident to me as it was last weekend. i watched a lady prepare her bed for the night on the side of the walkway and passed by numerous beggars crouched next to buildings. one young boy was leaning on his side on the ground. as i got closer, i could see that it was because he did not have legs from the knees down or arms from the elbows down. i did notice, however, that he had a smile on his face as he conversed with another man. he was basically laying in dirt and trash and i'm sure was assaulted by the pungent odor of urine and body odor that was all around. but he had found something to smile about. i pray that whatever it was it has its foundation in God, but there was still something to learn from this boy. i didn't know what to do with myself that night and when i remember it, i still don't. i weep at the overwhelming weight of our world situation and my eyes are shocked at the poverty i witness outside the walls of the home. where does one, with the help of God, even begin? before i flew to india, i thought on many occasions that God could use me to change the world. on that night, i seriously questioned that. how could i, as one young girl, possibly make a dent in this manmade mess? i haven't been able to answer that question as of now, but i don't feel quite as discouraged now as i did then. i know God cares and i know the plight of His people breaks His heart even more than mine, so i rest in that knowledge.

english was very hard this week, as the indians have no words for helping verbs! "do, does, did, has, had, have, would, could, should, can, may, might, must, shall, be, been, being, am, is, are"...none of these words exist in their language! try explaining that! it was difficult, but we got though and i think they have a fairly good grasp on it. indians are quick learners! speaking of learning though, i'm learning a little tamil of my own. the kids love quizzing us in the evenings, so we study before we head over there. they told us if we don't, we will be in trouble! ha. i guess it's only fair to learn their language if we are asking them to learn ours. we also took our cameras down to the home tuesday evening. it was chaos! "sister, one picture! sister! sister!" oh my goodness, i can't even describe the madness that ensued for an hour. it was totally worth it though...i got some really awesome pictures and video to bring home to show all of you. i can't post it here now for safety reasons, but will almost the minute i get home! :) when i left that evening, the girls were telling me they loved me in english. i melted, but was quickly surprised when i was hugged fiercely and then kissed on the lips! it didn't bother me, but i wondered if it was culturally okay. no one seems to care though, as i have been kissed numerous times since then. when i told them i loved them back, i really wanted to say, "i love you too and i have for months, before we even knew one another."

on wednesday nivya came by our room to try american snacks and we showed her pictures of the states and introduced her to our music. she loved fruit snacks and granola bars! that afternoon we headed over early because the staff asked us if we would wear their saris. before i knew what was happening, the entire female staff was in the room and i was half dressed! i felt very embarrassed knowing they are very modest, but they didn't seem to care. we took lots of pictures with them, but the kids would hardly touch us! nivya said it was because they were staring at our beauty, but it was like a whole different level of respect wearing those things! the most well-off staff member probably only has 10 saris to her name, each costing $5 which is considered very expensive here. her life's wardrobe costs $50 and she was so honored to have us dressed in her finest. it was a humbling experience. she did sneak away, however, and put on my dress from home. it was very funny and we shared a picture in our swapped outfits. on my way back to our room that night, we encountered a snake on out path. very small, but still. i yelled, "snake!" because liz was about to step on it, so i didn't have time to describe its size. jess and liz took off running down the path. hysterical. johnson was so worried about us though that he walked us to the road with a flashlight for dinner that night and even called ahead to tell the others at the home about the "scared American girls." hahaha. he is our caretaker and now we call him "tata," which is an affectionate term for grandfather in tamil. we said to him this afternoon, "you will miss us when we are gone." he paused for a moment and replied, "it will be as if i am losing three of my children." i cried again. big surprise.

thursday night was spent on the roof. it has been overcast almost the whole time we have been here, so when the moon was bright and the stars were out, we headed up to the roof. we prayed and sang worship songs together there and God certainly met us on that roof. i was left in awe of my Creator that night and as we poured our hearts out in prayer to Him, i know He was listening in our midst and was pleased with what He heard. my continual prayer is that He would be enough. i do not desire to place my trust in the things of this world, but rather in the One that made the entire universe. it kills me to think of how easily satisfied i am most of the time. i settle for the rags of men when He desires to bless me with eternal riches. i notice only outward appearances, but God wants to teach me to look inwardly. i choose to remain in bondage as He wants to extend me freedom. at the end of my life, i want to look back and thank Him for how He chose to use my life for His Kingdom, not for how much stuff i accumulated that i cannot take with me. i have very little here. 8 outfits and a few books and i have everything i could need. i am living life and am full of joy. the difference is that here in india it is acceptable to not have much to "show" for yourself. i get so discontented in the states because it would be unacceptable to have 8 outfits. who am i to think i deserve a comfortable life or more than what i need? i am ashamed by all the things i often indulge in...i have so much to learn here.

i did have a chance to chat with nivya and gigi about the commonality of individuals living among hindu families that are forced to hide their faith. nivya called them, "true believers." i told her i have never known faith like that, that i have never had to exercise my faith like that. i have never had the perseverance to pray for 12 years for the same thing-- that my family would be saved. our conversation was eye-opening and it blessed me. i hope sharing my heart blessed them as well, even though it is uncommon to be that open with another individual in their culture. i trust He had a hand in it.

eric sent us a postcard today from when he was in dubai. among other things it said, "keep journaling, as your time there will be over soon." i was reading it in the middle of our morning session with the kids and tried to keep my emotion in check, but began to cry thinking of leaving them. they were worried and when they asked why, i had nivya explain that i loved them and was dreading saying goodbye. at that, rehka placed her head on my shoulder and began to cry too. the thing is, the children keep saying, "coming back next year." we tell them no, but still they seem to believe we will be back then. i may never see them again in my life, so i know that in three sundays when we have to say goodbye, many hearts will be broken. i believe they love us just as much as we love them. i continue to pray for a heart that loves boldly.

we will be at the hospital starting tuesday evening this week, so we will be away from the children until sunday. i don't know if we will have internet access there and the following week we may go to kanyakumari to buy souvenirs, etc. so there is no guarantee i will have access to post for the rest of my time here. please pray that we do, but know that if we do not, God is remaining faithful and i am remembering all of you. thank you for being my cloud of witnesses and being part of this. love you all, all the way from india.

another week in india...

i would first like to say that God is teaching me patience...i have been at this internet cafe for over an hour and finally was able to get on and read all your comments and update. forgive me for not acknowledging them last week. i didn't realize they were there, but as i read them, it was as if i could see and hear each and every one of you like we were talking face to face. i wept. my eyes are still full of tears and the Indian gentleman that runs the place looked at me as if i were crazy. it's not anything new really-- the Indians always just think we are a bunch of "crazy Americans." ha. thank you all very much for your kind words and prayers though. they really mean more than i can express.

i brought my journal along with me this time so that i can more quickly put my jumbled thoughts into coherent words for you all to read. since i wrote last, a lot has happened. after we returned monday evening from the cafe, we had dinner. they brought sandwiches for us from town and i made the mistake of eating the "spicy one" while everyone else had cheese and tomato or something similar. the next afternoon, i started to feel pretty awful as i headed over to the orphanage to meet the children after their school day. eric, liz, and jess sent me back and before i knew it, i had turned the fans off in our room, put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants, and was still freezing! let me say, you never feel cold in india. whenever i do anything, i sweat now. i realized i had a fairly high fever-- i am guessing 102 or 103 by the way i felt. when the others returned they immediately gave me tylenol and a motion sickness med because of my constant urge to vomit. God spared me from that end, but not the other if you catch my drift. (sorry for those of you that don't appreciate details, but i was on my death bed!) i cried and just wanted a soft bed and my mom. they laid hands on me and prayed for me though and i was sure that God would make me better-- i was supposed to visit the hospital and the doctor and nurse i would be working with the next day! helen, the wife of the man that used to run the orphanage, lives across the hall and she and her husband watch out for us. she was very worried and stood in the doorway the whole time they prayed for me. when they were finished, she hobbled in and said, "pray in tamil." she placed her cold hand on my forehead and started saying what i know was one of the most heartfelt prayers i ever witnessed. i couldn't understand a word she uttered, but there was power in it. i felt the Spirit overcome me and i sobbed the entire time she interceded. i wish i could more adequately explain what happened between us in that moment, but i don't know how to describe it. all i can say is that i felt the Spirit more in those few minutes than i have ever felt tangibly in my life. it was something i will never forget. it amazes me how i couldn't even properly tell her thank you b/c we don't share a common tongue, but we certainly share the same God. He touched me through her prayer, even when i couldn't understand-- God overcame a language barrier and used helen in my life. i am amazed by that. needless to say, it was still a hard night, but i woke the next morning feeling fine. i still was not able to go anywhere that day b/c i was fairly weak (liz and eric went to the hospital without me!), but God healed my body of food poisoning and had touched my spirit in the meantime. i will forever be thankful that i came down with such a miserable sickness-- it allowed me to see Him in a way i never had before. praise Him!

i was able to call home on wednesday and that was such a blessing. mom, dad, grandma sharon-- it was good to talk with you all and hear your voice. thank you for praying. on thursday, my first day back with the staff and kids, i had the most amazing time. it was eric's first day away from us and our first day to try and rough it without him. we were overwhelmed by the thought of it, but God blessed our day with laughter and good fellowship and teaching with Nivya (our translator) and just between the three of us. in fact, since he's been gone, it has been nothing but God showing up. He is faithful and there is never a moment i feel as if He has left me, even when i'm seemingly flying by the seat of my pants. :) thursday night as i journaled though, i was filled with brokenness. i shall share an excerpt:

The children here at the orphanage would be starving without this place. They would be receiving no education and would possibly never come to hear about Christ. Those children didn't choose to be born in India and they didn't choose to have a hard life- it chose them. Tonight I feel thankful that God chose to give me an "easy" life and that He chose for me to come here to this place so I could appreciate it even more. These children have so much love to give and I cannot describe how wonderful it feels to have 4 little hands in mine at once while a little one tugs at my skirt. They call me "sister" and give me kisses and I would love nothing more than to shove a few in my suitcase and take them home with me. Oh, that God would give me strength to love them BOLDLY. I don't want to fly home with one ounce of love left in me that could have been given, both to the children or the staff. Tonight I go to bed humbled by being in His service."

oh, how i wish you could all be here with me! i cry thinking about leaving this place and sometimes find myself desiring to hold back, not to give too much of my heart b/c i anticipate how difficult it will be to tell them goodbye, not knowing if i will ever be able to return to this place. so please pray that i will give them all of me-- even when it's hard. they run when they see us coming now and it is a sight i will hopefully capture on video for you all! :) they yell to be picked up and then snuggle in really close when we do. please also be praying that we would not get head lice from the kids! we love to cuddle them and they all have it from sleeping on straw mats on tile floor all crowded in a room together. if i get it, it won't be the end of the world, but i'm putting in requests to the Big Guy that i won't!

we're still teaching the staff English in the mornings, followed by creative study. they have requested that starting this monday we teach them study for the staff alone-- they think they know ways to teach the children by now. although that is intimidating, i am also amazed at their desire to grow and thankful for it. they still don't quite understand that there is more than one posture of prayer and that it is okay to give me prayer requests. i have been meeting with Sumin and Ezhyl and when i say, "how can i pray for you?" they never mention anything about themselves. it's not Indian culture to open up about struggles or be anything but "fine." slowly but surely i think we are getting the message across. be praying for those two specifically, that He would strengthen our bond in Him and a relationship of trust and intimacy would be formed.

we head over to the home around 4:30 in the afternoon to meet the kids, play with them, and teach them songs. we'll be tutoring the older ones in English from 6:30-8:00 this week as well. today we definitely flew by the seat of our pants, as the staff arranged 3 hours with the kids in the chapel for us! we were told they would have curriculum they needed help with, etc. and that they might want to be taught a song. well, when we arrived at 9 am, that was definitely not the case! God was faithful though and led us in ways to occupy three hours' time! ha. it was scary! they now know three new English worship songs (with actions, of course) and learned the story of Saul on the road to Damascus. we sent the little ones away then and helped the older with English we'd been teaching the staff all week. whew! minor catastrophe avoided!

that's really all for now though-- we're headed back soon to see the kids! :) oh, i guess i did do LOTS of laundry by hand in a sink today. talk about hard work! mom, you would be so proud! hahaha. there have been more creatures (ticks are prevalent as well- sick!), but that's commonplace by now. ha.

thank you again for all your prayers. i hope the update on how God is moving is as encouraging to you all as it is for me to see. i have not forgotten for one second that i have brought many people with me to india for this journey and i pray for you all daily. may God bless you all and give you opportunities to see His Kingdom everyday as i see it here. to Him goes all the glory. i love you all and hopefully will be back again next week to write. if you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry. accesss is just limited. until then, much love and prayers and blessings! miss you!

p.s. good luck to steven and josh at state! i am SO proud and wish i could be there for their special game! it will be 1:30 in the morning tonight when they throw the first pitch, so i will pray before i fall asleep! :)
p.p.s. cherie, i am especially praying for you right now as i know you are anticipating a visitor soon-- He will give you the opportunity and words. i am confident.

safe and sound in india!

for those of you who may have been waiting for a word from me, i have arrived and am safe and sound in india! i am currently sitting in an internet cafe in a nearby village (we took a very terrifying 15 minute drive here-- the traffic is madness!) because i do not have the internet at the orphanage as previously hoped. we are expecting to make a trip to the cafe once a week to catch up on email and update everyone from home. mom and dad, i am also planning on calling about once a week, so hopefully you'll be able to hear my voice soon-- i miss you both a lot. i also must be careful with the words i use in my post, as Hindu extremists monitor every word being posted here. forgive me if i am vague at times. it is only to protect the other girls and myself as well as the children and staff at the home.

i suppose i'm totally overwhelmed and don't even know where to begin. i have had 4 ays in the country and our interpreter finally arrived today. we believe it was His protection, as we sort of needed a "soft landing" for the first few days as we acclimated ourselves to the many new things and recovered from jet lag. at home it is currently 9:45 in the morning while the sun has almost gone down here. it's strange, but i'm learning not to think indiana time anymore. so we arrived thursday afternoon, exhausted, and since then have been doing a lot of planning and "being honored." when eric told us that the people here would treat us better than any husband we'll ever have, i'm afraid he was right. adjusting to their culture and allowing them to get used to the idea of us as "servants" has been hard. they want to feed us constantly and make sure we are always comfortable, even bringing in pizza (although it was the HOTTEST pizza i have ever had in my life!) for last night's dinner. that was a special treat i must say b/c i have been eating a lot of rice, chapatis, soup that resembles potato, this crazy red cauliflower, fish with scales (creepy!), chicken cut every which way, and tea everyday twice a day. the heat makes me feel full constantly, so they worry we're not eating enough. they eat more in one setting than i could possibly eat in a day! the kids' appetites are quite impressive. the staff serves us different food though b/c theirs is too hot for us and we sit at a special table while they all sit indian style on the floor. after the first two meals, i learned to use my "natural" spoon...my right hand. ha. it's been interesting to say the least, but they show me a lot of grace. the weather hasn't been too horrible, but i do take a shower in the morning and at night before bed. i simply cannot go to bed and sleep that sticky. the showers are cold which isn't normally a problem, but one night we ran out of water. thankfully i had already washed off the soap when it happened. i do have a friend that hangs out in our bathroom all day though...we found him in the toilet to begin with and then he hopped up the wall. a friendly frog has been our companion up until this afternoon when we finally caught him and set him free out in the yard. hopefully a cobra ate him. ( sorry, mom, but they do have those here! they killed one last week, but i haven't seen one yet and hope to never see one!) we have encountered many creatures we are not accustomed to, including salamanders in our apartment, spiders everywhere including the toilet (i got bit in my sleep last night by something--spider probably.), preying mantis, giant stickbugs, and scorpions. i killed one in our room the first night. we scream a lot, which usually brings our kind neighbor helen over to make sure we're not dying. we've tried to tone it down lately for her sake. but besides the time change, the spicy food, the creatures, and the hot weather, everything is just like indiana! hahaha. i actually don't think i've found one thing that is like indiana yet. i'm learning so much though and think you all will be proud of how tough i have become when i return to the states.

as far as the children are concerned, they are amazing. we don't have much interaction with the boys, but there are 72 girls ranging in age from 6-18. the 6-year olds look like they could be two or three though, so it's hardly comparable to the states. our first visit with them, they were very timid, but would gather around us in large groups. i could tell they wanted to touch and hug us, but weren't sure if it was okay. the next day was a complete 180. they grabbed me, dragged me over to some chairs, and then all sat around us as we sang songs in english to them. we did the hokey pokey and played other games and they were so sweet, calling us "alagu," which means beautiful. many times they would put their hand in mine and say, "white pretty, black bad." my heart hurt then, realizing that they all wish they were white b/c it means privilege and a life different than their own. we attended service with them that evening and they were vying for the seats next to us. it was like they couldn't get enough of our attention. they truly are captivating though and i want to give them all my attention and love and affection. Their service was different though-- they sing a gajillion verses of a tamil song, say a very long petition on their knees with their hands together, and then the staff member leading it reads a chapter out of the "good book" and then they are done. it's very routine and formal and many of the kids can't make it through without falling asleep. part of what we are doing here is teaching creative ways to lead service in order to engage the children b/c there is no interaction at all. in indian culture, people don't think for themselves. the one in charge tells you what you think and that is that. they don't do discussion b/c they learn from hearing and then memorize it and then they are done. there is also a problem of intimacy between these indian individuals and the alpha and omega. we are beginning to break them up in small groups in order to disciple them and teach them how they can lift each other's needs to him. in the morning also, we are starting to teach english. they can read it very well, but do not understand the meaning of the words. they cannot hear our english very well b/c the pronunciation is COMPLETELY different. that has made it hard on both sides, but they have never had an actual U.S. citizen to talk to. they also are very afraid to speak it b/c in their culture, they are told "if you can't speak it correctly, don't say anything at all." getting their cooperation has been frustrating and challenging. we are going to begin tutoring the children during their study time in the evening as well, hoping to help them improve their english too. then at 8:30 pm, we will go to the service to watch the staff lead a more engaging study that we helped them prepare during the afternoon. we're here to help them help themselves, not to come in and change everything. i came with very high hopes and i hope not to disappoint anyone at home when i say that i am not sure we will accomplish everything we planned. but the One knows what our real purpose here is and so we're being flexible according to His leading. change is very hard for the people here when they have had generations and generations of tradition, but if we walk away having only taught the staff how to be intimate with one another, sharing petitions and concerns with one another, and ultimately with Him, that will be a huge help. we're hoping to start something that they will carry on after we are gone and eventually that they will teach the children.

so many things have broken my heart since i've been gone though...we drove through the villages and seeing temples and pictures of various idols everywhere was hard. in fact, there is a light up idol in the booth i am sitting in this very second. it permeates indian life. when i saw the old woman walking completely bent over in the dirt road, my heart broke. when i saw people wearing no shoes, carrying water on their heads (which i am sure was completely unsafe) to their shacks, my heart broke. when i see the children in the same outfit every other day, my heart breaks. when i watch their faces as i go to hang my own 5 clothing items on the line after laundry, my heart breaks b/c i know it is more than they have ever possessed at one time. when i see a child show up to the orphanage when only a plastic sack half full of everything they own in the world, my heart hurts. when i watched a grandmother raise a stick to beat her grandchild, my heart broke. i know it is only the beginning of a long road where He will show me the plight of His lost and destitute people and to be honest, i am burdened at the thought of knowing i don't even have a clue yet. please be praying for the openness of the indian people and for our interactions together. please be praying for the financial needs of the home-- the cost of living has gotten so much more expensive and it is hard to feed all the children all the time. please be praying that despite our frustrations and fears, He would provide us with confidence and understanding of these people. we feel so inadequate and b/c the need is so great, it often overwhelms us. still, we know He goes before us and He will lead, if only we listen closely. i am great, i really am, and at this very moment i do not desire to be anywhere else.

5 weeks, friends. in 5 short weeks i will be heading home. thank you for your thoughts and petitions on our behalf. i know it gives us hope when we feel like we've hit a dead end. until next week, know that i am remembering you all by name and wishing you well. for those of you who read this, please relay my messages to my parents and grandparents and anyone else you feel won't see it. i love you all and will write again soon.