home.

i've been home for two days now and it's good. i haven't exactly accomplished a whole lot in the way of unpacking, but there's time for that, right? :) i was able to spend some good time with dylan the night i got home (i dyed his hair and actually bleached my black dress in the process...whoops) and then went to church and hung around the house yesterday and today. watched a movie with my mom last night and then was able to meet kate's friend danielle and spend some time with them late last night. i slept in WAY too late today and then even napped after i got back from rollerblading in the rain. i have been so wiped out...i guess i'm finally just catching up from all the craziness at the end of the year.

there have been many surprises and blessings this last week concerning india. i went to my mailbox last thursday night after leaving the baseball game and found an anonymous card with $175 for my trip inside. i couldn't believe it! the card simply said, "God always provides." i am humbled and amazed and completely overwhelmed by such generosity. i wish i knew who sent it so that i could properly thank them, but my guess is that they know me too well and understand that along with my appreciation sometimes comes feelings of guilt over "inconveniencing" someone and accepting such an extravagant donation. also, i received a wonderful letter from friends of the family that served as an encourgement to stay faithful-- it also had a check enclosed. someone i admire very much called my phone as i was driving home saturday evening as well. i missed the call, but received one of the most incredible voicemails, assuring me that this prayer warrior would add me to the list. she told me she loved me and was proud of me and i have no doubt that my life is covered in her prayers. when i went to church yesterday, a woman i also admire spoke with me and then wrote me a check for $150 for my trip, abundantly more than i could have ever asked for. as i have thanked God over and over for His provision both monetarily and prayerfully though, i have tried to let go of any false feelings and simply say thank you for laying it on someone's heart to support the ministry. the more i pray about india and see God move, the more i realize that i have nothing to do with any of it. He gets all the glory. it is my continual prayer that india touches more hearts and reaches more lives than my own mind can fathom. i'll be leaving before i know it and hope that upon my return, i can adequately express my gratitude to each and every individual that was a part of it.

this last week also included a lot of heartache. i am normally so excited to get home, to spend time with my family, and enjoy time away from class. this year, it was different. the tears started on thursday and never really stopped. i realized that many of my graduating friends would be moving far away, but that i would see them at various weddings this summer-- that brought comfort. still, recognizing the mark they left on my life left me feeling empty at the thought of their departure. like i've said before, i just want to bottle them all up and carry them around forever. unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. there was one particular individual i was dreading saying goodbye to however. actually, i think i may blame the week's tears on him. he sort of came out of nowhere in my life, a fast friend that i will genuninely miss. whether i will ever see him again is questionable and after our goodbye, i cried most of the way home. for the first time at indiana wesleyan, i met a boy that made me feel valued and that fulfilled male friendship needs. that sounds hokey, but after having such great guy friends here at home, i desired the same at school and never really felt as if i had a consistent one that appreciated me for me. i am proud of him, proud of the man God has created him to be, and proud of his accomplishments and the places i know God will take him in life. he makes me believe in goodness of men again, something i wasn't sure i would ever get to say. i am thankful for him for so many reasons and will forever be grateful that God allowed our paths to cross. i'm only hoping that one day they will cross again. until then, he shall remain in my prayers.

finished.

well, i can't believe it. i am officially done with all my finals and my junior year of college. the time just keeps flying by and on nights like tonight, i wonder where in the world it all went. it was such a great feeling to finish up, but right now the thoughts of being a senior and missing all my graduating friends next year is leaving a bittersweet taste in my mouth...still, i was able to enjoy the BEAUTIFUL day. did some reading on a blanket outside with my friends, played sand volleyball, took a short nap, watched a movie, etc. i'm enjoying my free time.

on another note, meredith passed this morning. last night i was crying to susan about it actually, asking her why in the world my heart is breaking over this situation. meredith and i never even met! yet discovering that she went to be with her Savior this morning sent me over to the prayer chapel for the first time this year to just cry it out at the feet of my Jesus. i can't explain why i felt a connection to her or her life. maybe it was because she was so close to my age or maybe it was because i prayed and fasted for her all day saturday. maybe it was that she would never realize many of the hopes and dreams that she and many others had for her life or maybe it was simply because when i grow up, i want to live my life with such adandon, grace, and dignity. meredith was filled with Jesus to overflowing. that is my desire...i continue to lift her husband and family to the Lord in prayer and also my cousin lindsay as she is dealing with the death of one of her good friends. today was a day to celebrate concerning the existence of meredith, but i cannot deny the deep ache i know many will now have due to her earthly absence. she is rejoicing and complete and most likely basking in the glory and words of the Almighty God: "well done, my good and faithful servant."

may the things that cause your heart to break also break mine, Father.

living for the weekend!

what a great weekend it has been. it's a little crazy because it's 9 pm on sunday and i have yet to study for my finals, but it was a blessing nonetheless. friday afternoon my friend kristen came to visit and brought her baby corban. we went on a walk, caught up a tad, and then parted so she could go visit with others and so i could go on to the lodge cookout. she met back up with me before she left and actually ended up staying the night. i hadn't had the chance to talk to her let alone see her in so long and i truly had forgotten just how much i love having her a part of my life. i didn't get any studying done, but oh well. i certainly won't remember this exam in a couple years anyway...

saturday i had my final exam review for 3 hours and then kallie and andrew showed up! they went and had dinner and i sat and talked with them and we had a great discussion about heaven and end times and just all sorts of uplifting things. i can't wait to go to heaven someday-- talking about it got me seriously excited. after dinner with them we came back to the lodge and chatted for a while until they left and susan's entire family showed up. i was finally able to meet them all which was nice because i feel like i've known them forever based upon the things susan tells me. they eventually left so i did rounds and watched a movie with kent and susan. at 1:45, jessica frasso called me to let her in the lodge...we talked until after 3. hahaha. it was so great to catch up with her and have her share her life with me. i feel so honored that people let me in the way they do and i went to bed encouraged last night.

i spent most of today south of indy going to a scholarship interview in franklin, in. hopefully that went well-- i should hear back in about a week or so. i feel like i conveyed my heart well and represented Christ, not that they were looking for me to be a Christian or anything, but it is who i am. if nothing else, i hope something i said to them about the way i live my life was an encouragement or a witness. when someone asks you what you're going to do with your life or why you chose nursing or IWU, how can God not be a part of that? He is the reason i live. He is the reason i make the decisions i do. the two are really inseparable. we even talked about india in my interview and my heart for missions and the desire to use my nursing in that capacity-- very cool.

i was tearful driving south today however. lindsay's friend meredith, a woman i have been hearing about for months, is not doing well. she is losing the battle against the cancer that is raging within her entire body. i periodically check her caringbridge website, saw that yesterday was a designated fast and pray-for-meredith's-miracle day, and immediately wanted to be a part of it. after all, what is the body of Christ about if it's not lifting one another in prayer and encouraging one another, even if you've never met? when you share the most important aspect of your life together, it really doesn't matter if i've never even seen her face. well, i committed to praying and fasting yesterday and expected a miracle as i joined believers all over the world on her behalf. i was worried because others signing her guestbook would say things like, "well, your life is a miracle, even if you don't get healed." that's true, but it frustrated me! people were giving up the fight, the hope, before they even knew what the result would be. it's a protective mechanism to not want, to just expect the worse, but when i went to bed last night i really believed that i would wake up this morning and get an update that she had been healed. God doesn't do BIG things in our lives so often because we don't ask! i wanted these people to ask! i petitioned God: save her! heal her! free her from this illness and may you receive all the glory! my tiny mustard seed of faith was all in yesterday...and when i woke up this morning, nothing had changed. it hurt. i cried. it's not that i have lost faith in God-- i know He can do it, it's just a matter of wondering why He won't, especially when i believed it so hard. meredith is someone i want to ask God about when i get to heaven someday. why, God? i've never met her, but when she passes, it will hurt my heart as well.

“now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. glory to Him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! amen." -eph. 3:20

weekend at home...

God is amazing in so many ways and for so many reasons. as hard as last week was for me, i knew He was there in the midst. after my tearful post thursday night, i was able to drive home friday and had some really blessed time with my family.

i met kate at wal-mart that evening and we did the grocery shopping for suzi's shower and then ran some errands and made food until 1 am. ashtin stopped by and i was thankful for that. i just love that girl and the extra help was great. the next morning was a bit hectic, but the shower went off without a hitch and i think that suzi genuinely enjoyed it. after i was done with shower things for the day (5:15 pm), i made my way over to shane and alyssa's and then went on to grandma powell's after that. i meant to stay for only an hour or two, but was there until 11:30 that night! we talked about a lot of different things, but it was mainly good to talk about grandpa. i miss him-- i really, really do. we cried together for an hour and a half and fondly recalled last times together. i wish he was here now so that i could tell him about india and about what God is showing me. because he verbalized his acceptance of Christ so late in life, we never got to discuss that commonality. i think it would have changed our relationship a lot. it's 1 am right now, so april 17th has made it's way here. one year ago today he went to be with Jesus. i praise God for that. it's been the best year of grandpa's existence, but it doesn't keep me from crying either. grandma is doing okay...she is one incredible woman and i admire her strength. her love for Jesus encourages me and that's exactly the way i felt when i left her house that night. i missed an opportunity to spend time with friends that night, but God knew grandma needed me and i needed her.

sunday i went and visited mamaw and papaw rice before i headed out of town to go to another one of suzi's bridal showers in indy. while papaw was outside checking my car battery, grandma said, "stace, has your mom told you what i'm going to do?" i shook my head no and then she proceeded to tell me that she wants to be a major contributor to my trip. i bawled (surprise!) and felt so humbled. when i went to discuss the Lord with them and talked about india two months ago, they didn't understand why i felt it was necessary to go halfway around the world. they didn't understand my needing to follow Christ's lead. they accepted Christ the next morning and in the last two months i have seen changes in them-- positive ones. it is amazing to me how God can transform a heart of confusion to a heart of support and desire to help provide. i am excited! i am thankful and so humbled, but also so excited to see how God will be faithful to the contribution they are making. God has blessed me so.

annnnnnd, another blessing made it's way to my mailbox yesterday-- a scholarship and financial aid that i was not anticipating! now, even though i'm gone for 6 weeks this summer, the money that i would normally be making to pay my bill has essentially been covered. i serve an amazing God. i don't know how anyone could look at that situation and not see how God has perfectly orchestrated this opportunity. *sigh. it just makes me so happy.

granted, there is still some more of my bill to be covered. i am traveling down south to franklin, in, this weekend for a scholarship interview, so if you're reading this, pray it goes well! i just want to share my heart and convey my strengths without appearing fake. i hate fake.

in other news, i have to learn how to eat without utensils and with my right hand while in india. that thrills me. ha. i should really start practicing, but it's so hard! no waving, no touching, no eating, no nothing with my left hand! it's unclean! hahaha. my whole life and i never even knew it...shoot. alright, well i think that's about it for now so it's time for bed. drowsiness is overtaking me... :) i'll be sleeping tight and remembering india in my prayers.

i'm forgetful.

i also failed to mention that sunday evening i traveled to anderson with jess to meet liz and her dad. we spoke about india in front of a crowd of 30-40 and the american board of directors of the orphanage. the reception we received was more than i could have hoped for. immediately upon our arrival, a gentleman said, "so these are the two going with you, elizabeth? nice to meet you, girls. i have been praying for you for over 6 months." before i had a name or face, multiple people were praying for me. when i was up in front of them sharing my heart, that thought got me choked up. what a humbling experience...God ordained this trip in heaven long ago. He knew before anyone even thought to consider my existence that i would spend 6 weeks halfway around the world summer of 2008. he chose me and has made the way. i praise Jehovah-Jirah, the God that provides.

whelmed.

*sigh. it has been quite the day today...i'm exhausted and was just going to climb in bed, but i have so many things running through my head that i just need to get off my chest. the only question is: where do i start?

i'll start with the fact that i realize i'm being spiritually attacked. jesus is doing very real and very big things in my life right now-- satan doesn't like that much. i was telling my friend katie earlier this week (we met for coffee at payne's. she is lovely.) that i feel as if i'm moving out of the "baby" christian phase. i was in it for so long and felt like i just kept struggling with the same issues over and over and over again, but lately god has been maturing me. even when it comes to simple things like praying in front of people-- i now trust god for the words instead. crazy idea, huh? that that might actually calm my nerves and make me feel confident? i've come to the end of myself.

i haven't been sleeping much this week. i thought that it was going to be a fairly easy week with plenty of free time to accomplish lots. unfortunately life things have gotten in the way and i am currently fighting off this blasted headache i've had for almost three days. BUT, i mailed my india letters this morning. praise jesus! i prayed over them before i sent them off, trusting that god's message would be received well and that if nothing else, that letter might minister to someone. postage was a bit steep, but you can't put a price on prayer. i'm hoping people call to talk with me about it-- i just have so much in my heart that i want to shout from the rooftops! i also made some significant ground concerning suzi's shower this week, although long phone conversations to coordinate, etc. have kept me from making ground on my schoolwork. it just has not been a good time trying to wrap up my semester and plan this shindig for 40 people. i love suzi and i am honored to be a part of it, but i will be glad when she's hitched and off on a honeymoon... :)

counseling this week was rough. it has been rough lately. scott actually apologized to me when i was leaving tuesday afternoon. "stace, i know this has not been fun and for that i am sorry, but i commend your courage in wanting to seek truth and live in freedom." sometimes i don't want to be so brave. every time i feel like i'm making progress, more junk is uprooted. this week: my need to play the role of the martyr to prove my godliness. he challenged me to redefine my definition of christ's love-- jesus apparently was not a doormat and i'm not emulating him when i take on that role. ouch. being an enabler for my friends is not loving them well. jesus was confrontational and radical. i guess that means i need to reevaluate relationships in my life. yay.

hmm...what else? chapel wednesday was incredible. leena molchandani spoke about her experiences living in nigeria amongst an entire indian family that practices hinduism. hearing her speak about her parents and india and the culture broke my heart. she was 11 when she accepted christ. she snuck her bible in her house, stayed up after everyone else went to bed at night, and for 9 years read her bible under her blankets with a flashlight. at age 11, she was burdened to pray for 76 of her family members, all hindus. for 9 years she faithfully prayed for them. her sister finally came around and it seems that her father is getting there...he asked her to attend church with him over christmas break. when they drove her to the airport to fly back to the states, he asked her to pray for their family. for the first time in her life, her family held hands and acknowledged the presence of christ in prayer. she challenged us as students not to take for granted the things we so often complain about: church, chapel, the ability to read our bible. those are the things she cherishes most. what a testimony.

new testament class tonight was also amazing. we finished up our lecture for the semester. next week is the final and i can genuinely say that i am going to miss that class. we discussed revelation tonight and it stirred my heart for jesus and his coming. at the end of chapter 22, john writes an aramaic word: maranatha. it is literally translated "come, lord jesus." i try to imagine what it will be like watching him return in all his glory and it overwhelms me. tonight i would not have cared if jesus decided to come and take me home. in fact, would have loved it. i don't desire to end my life, but sometimes i'm tired of fighting. i'm ready to be complete, the way god intended from the beginning. why so ready? well, let's count things currently going "wrong": counseling=terrible pain, no sleep=terrible headaches, my bike was stolen today, my car battery was dead today (campus police came and jumped it, i went and drove it 20 miles, turned it off and it wouldn't start again--i'll be calling again in the morning), it's raining for the 50 billionth day in a row, my professor hasn't returned my paper so i'm having a hard time doing the poster that's due monday (and i'm going to have TONS of time this weekend to accomplish it), one particular friend still has not forgiven me for our housing mishap (she's passive aggressive and won't discuss it, but also won't look me in the eye), i'm having a heck of a time with class scheduling for next year, the fibro has caused me a lot of pain recently-- getting out of bed in the morning has been a struggle, my friends are graduating and moving far away in two weeks, and today would have been grandpa's birthday. maybe that's the real reason i'm having such a hard time-- i don't know. as i was standing in chapel yesterday, envisioning grandpa in heaven, it made me want to join. i miss him and i would never ask him to come back to this place, but i'm jealous.

until then, however, there is much work to be done. i sound defeated right now, but i promise i am in the battle. if god and i weren't giving up a good fight, satan wouldn't be trying so hard to keep me down. i choose joy.

well, today was completely unproductive...ha. i could have at least looked up all the addresses for my prayer support letters or something. geesh. i am a sad excuse for a college student.

instead of preparing for my day in the OR tomorrow (i get to watch a total knee replacement at 10 am!), i'm looking up the weather in india. june 3rd cannot come quickly enough in my mind. but it's 91 degrees there right now with a humidity of 74%. i just hope that no one plans on seeing any remotely attractive pictures of me when i return. make-up and doing my hair will most likely be futile. you can bet that i'll be brown as a bear when i return though... :)

it's late and i should be sleeping, but instead i've been sitting here staring at my computer screen eating fruit loops. ha. i just can't seem to shut the mind off lately...

i'll blame the distraction on india mostly. i leave two months from now and i feel completely unprepared. i suppose being so far out of my comfort zone is a blessing though--it means i have to rely upon my Lord. liz, jess, and i meet every monday evening to talk and pray about our trip and i have really enjoyed our time together. last night we started talking about the incredibly hot weather (it's 90 degrees there now and june/july is their hottest season!), the massive bugs we will encounter, our 24 hours of travel there and then home again, the food we'll be eating, etc. etc. etc. basically we laid every fear out on the table and discussed it. we laughed and screamed (mostly about the bugs). i shared with them though something that God has been challenging me with lately. despite conditions that are not ideal, i am to have joy. i want to have a glad heart full of perseverance and gratitude, not one full of complaint. satan will use complaining in our lives to get our eyes off of Christ and so i've decided that from here on out, i will not let him use it in my life. did anyone ever hear paul complain while he was in prison? nope. he was still doing the Lord's will and with a smile on his face (i imagine). i desire to follow that example. through Christ in me and His strength, i am going to attempt to keep the grumbling to a minimum while we're gone. i am refusing to allow bugs, hot weather, and terrible jet lag steal my joy! :)
this is a picture of one of the girls from the orphanage (stolen from liz). seeing her keeps things in perspective.

three beautiful things...
1. staff covenant at payne's. i love those people.
2. playing guess who? with gabe today-- it brought back so many childhood vanity theater memories!
3. surprising my unit with treat bags today! it was a blast to make them!