whelmed.

*sigh. it has been quite the day today...i'm exhausted and was just going to climb in bed, but i have so many things running through my head that i just need to get off my chest. the only question is: where do i start?

i'll start with the fact that i realize i'm being spiritually attacked. jesus is doing very real and very big things in my life right now-- satan doesn't like that much. i was telling my friend katie earlier this week (we met for coffee at payne's. she is lovely.) that i feel as if i'm moving out of the "baby" christian phase. i was in it for so long and felt like i just kept struggling with the same issues over and over and over again, but lately god has been maturing me. even when it comes to simple things like praying in front of people-- i now trust god for the words instead. crazy idea, huh? that that might actually calm my nerves and make me feel confident? i've come to the end of myself.

i haven't been sleeping much this week. i thought that it was going to be a fairly easy week with plenty of free time to accomplish lots. unfortunately life things have gotten in the way and i am currently fighting off this blasted headache i've had for almost three days. BUT, i mailed my india letters this morning. praise jesus! i prayed over them before i sent them off, trusting that god's message would be received well and that if nothing else, that letter might minister to someone. postage was a bit steep, but you can't put a price on prayer. i'm hoping people call to talk with me about it-- i just have so much in my heart that i want to shout from the rooftops! i also made some significant ground concerning suzi's shower this week, although long phone conversations to coordinate, etc. have kept me from making ground on my schoolwork. it just has not been a good time trying to wrap up my semester and plan this shindig for 40 people. i love suzi and i am honored to be a part of it, but i will be glad when she's hitched and off on a honeymoon... :)

counseling this week was rough. it has been rough lately. scott actually apologized to me when i was leaving tuesday afternoon. "stace, i know this has not been fun and for that i am sorry, but i commend your courage in wanting to seek truth and live in freedom." sometimes i don't want to be so brave. every time i feel like i'm making progress, more junk is uprooted. this week: my need to play the role of the martyr to prove my godliness. he challenged me to redefine my definition of christ's love-- jesus apparently was not a doormat and i'm not emulating him when i take on that role. ouch. being an enabler for my friends is not loving them well. jesus was confrontational and radical. i guess that means i need to reevaluate relationships in my life. yay.

hmm...what else? chapel wednesday was incredible. leena molchandani spoke about her experiences living in nigeria amongst an entire indian family that practices hinduism. hearing her speak about her parents and india and the culture broke my heart. she was 11 when she accepted christ. she snuck her bible in her house, stayed up after everyone else went to bed at night, and for 9 years read her bible under her blankets with a flashlight. at age 11, she was burdened to pray for 76 of her family members, all hindus. for 9 years she faithfully prayed for them. her sister finally came around and it seems that her father is getting there...he asked her to attend church with him over christmas break. when they drove her to the airport to fly back to the states, he asked her to pray for their family. for the first time in her life, her family held hands and acknowledged the presence of christ in prayer. she challenged us as students not to take for granted the things we so often complain about: church, chapel, the ability to read our bible. those are the things she cherishes most. what a testimony.

new testament class tonight was also amazing. we finished up our lecture for the semester. next week is the final and i can genuinely say that i am going to miss that class. we discussed revelation tonight and it stirred my heart for jesus and his coming. at the end of chapter 22, john writes an aramaic word: maranatha. it is literally translated "come, lord jesus." i try to imagine what it will be like watching him return in all his glory and it overwhelms me. tonight i would not have cared if jesus decided to come and take me home. in fact, would have loved it. i don't desire to end my life, but sometimes i'm tired of fighting. i'm ready to be complete, the way god intended from the beginning. why so ready? well, let's count things currently going "wrong": counseling=terrible pain, no sleep=terrible headaches, my bike was stolen today, my car battery was dead today (campus police came and jumped it, i went and drove it 20 miles, turned it off and it wouldn't start again--i'll be calling again in the morning), it's raining for the 50 billionth day in a row, my professor hasn't returned my paper so i'm having a hard time doing the poster that's due monday (and i'm going to have TONS of time this weekend to accomplish it), one particular friend still has not forgiven me for our housing mishap (she's passive aggressive and won't discuss it, but also won't look me in the eye), i'm having a heck of a time with class scheduling for next year, the fibro has caused me a lot of pain recently-- getting out of bed in the morning has been a struggle, my friends are graduating and moving far away in two weeks, and today would have been grandpa's birthday. maybe that's the real reason i'm having such a hard time-- i don't know. as i was standing in chapel yesterday, envisioning grandpa in heaven, it made me want to join. i miss him and i would never ask him to come back to this place, but i'm jealous.

until then, however, there is much work to be done. i sound defeated right now, but i promise i am in the battle. if god and i weren't giving up a good fight, satan wouldn't be trying so hard to keep me down. i choose joy.