three beautiful things.

things to be thankful for today:

1. good friends that calm me down during a "freak out."(steph, thanks for praying with and for me.)
2. skipping class today-- two of them! :)
3. serving a God that enjoys showering me extravagantly with His holy and redemptive love.

thanksgiving is just around the corner...

the holidays are going to look a bit different around the powell household this year, but i think i'm finally coming to terms with it all. i'll be working on thanksgiving day this year and originally was completely bummed out about it. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and always has been...it's never about anything but togetherness and family and quality time and laughter-- it's goodness all wrapped up in a 24-hour package. i love it. needless to say, missing out on it was disappointing, but the payoff a month later is well worth it! at this point, i'm just ready for any sort of a break. even going to work has its perks.

my boss was kind enough to work with me and my difficult schedule and it looks as if i'll only be working until the 23rd of december. i'll go in for about an hour very early on the 24th (just to say i worked another holiday) and then will be on my way to sunny orlando with my dad. my mom is planning on flying down later that afternoon (14 hours in the car is just too difficult for her and it was too much for all to fly) and that way we'll be able to wake up on christmas morning with jules. by that time she'll be at pete's and i think it will be nice for him to have some family on christmas morning as well. it's going to be strange not sitting in my living room with our christmas tree and the stockings i've used since i was a wee little girl, but i'm pretty okay with change. we'll drive another 6 hours south on the 27th and meet up with the grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles to enjoy a week at the beach. dad and i will drive back the 4th and meet mom at home on the 5th. whew. then it's back to school. my last semester...eek! we don't need to talk about that right now though. ha.

so yeah, at this point, bring on thanksgiving (even if it isn't totally what i'm used to-- i still get yummy leftovers)! the countdown to leaving school is on: 94.5 hours. my research paper desperately needs doing before then though...maybe that's why i'm holed away in the library procrastinating again! back to it... :)

but first, just a few pictures from past thanksgivings.

overwhelmed by goodness.

more than any other time in my life, i feel as if God has been showing me His goodness over and over and over again. many of you reading know me well and know that my life was not always this way. it has been a long process to get to this place, but the journey has been so worth it. i say that today with such conviction and the knowledge that Jesus has always had my best interest at heart.

last week the Lord laid it on my heart to write a letter to a friend...i feel He does this often and most of the time i simply ignore it. way to be obedient, right? well, i answered His call with a "yes" this time and poured out my heart, hoping that the words written would be received as encouragement and nothing short of that. (he should be getting it today, so we'll see...) i shared the goodness of my Lord and the fullness, the joy, the freedom, and the peace that now permeate my very being. i wanted to extend that same Truth to him, but after writing it said to myself, "do i truly believe that? do i live my life in such a way that i convey this joy and freedom?" it was challenging. and i have been pondering it since.

monday was not a great day for me and that is putting it mildly. it was hard for me to live a fully redeemed life as i was bogged down by symptoms of the disease that plagues me. i said, "Jesus, i don't know that i can do this for 50 more years." i don't share my pain with others most of the time, as it makes me feel like a complainer and a big baby. it makes me vulnerable and needy. i hate it. but it had gotten to the point that i couldn't hide the despair i was experiencing. a friend of mine said to me, "you're ridiculous...you're not complaining. you don't have to prove you're tough; i already know you are." i felt so much freedom in that moment, knowing that with certain people in my life, i don't have to pretend to be tough. my pain makes me miserable sometimes and that's a fact, but it's not something i always have to keep to myself. i woke the yesterday morning with a note from this same friend, encouraging me to use my hardship to "personify and epitomize Christ's redemptive work" in my life. what a challenge, but it was exactly the perspective change i needed.

i realized then that God divinely provides for me in every moment. He brings people into my life in the moments i need them most. He opens my eyes to the beauty of His creation during times when i feel discouraged about the mess we've made of this world. He provides me moments of rest when i feel as if i'm at a breaking point. He is amazing.

last night's Bible study and this morning's chapel blessed me so much. my suite is studying romans and last night i was so challenged to make some changes in my life...this week i'm focusing on two specific areas: gossip and pride. i don't expect that they'll be solved by the end of this week (although that would be nice!), but being conscientious about my actions and intentional with the words i speak is so key. at the end of my life i would love for others to be able to look back on my life and say, "you know, stace always refused to talk about people and served them with such humility." not a bad goal, right? :) we spent some great time in prayer last night, asking God to renew our spirits and fill us with joy overflowing. we spent our last 5-10 minutes together calling out the attributes of God that we are so thankful for...He is my Redeemer, my Provider, and He declares me righteous. it's so easy to become focused on all the negative, so choosing to see the positive was so healthy for me last night. i went to bed with a sense of contentment i hadn't known in a while.

i felt so silly with love and joy during chapel this morning that i thought my heart might burst with it. i listened to a song over and over again this morning as i was getting ready and when they began to play it during chapel, tears filled my eyes. Jesus is romancing me and i couldn't be more thankful. i wish there were more ways to put it, but all i really know is Jesus is so good.

i hope this encourages you as much as it does me.

The precious blood of Jesus Christ redeems,
Forgiven I’m alive, restored, set free.
Your majesty resides inside of me,
forever I believe. Forever I believe.
Arrested by your truth and righteousness,
your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness.
Convicted by your Spirit, led by your Word.
Your love will never fail.
Your love will never fail.
‘Cause I know you gave the world your only Son for us to
know your name, to live within the Savior's love and He took my place,
knowing He’d be crucified and you loved.. you loved, a people undeserving!

they are most certainly not forgotten.

a few weeks ago in church, they showed a video about helping kids at christmas time. i don't remember all the details of the actual charity, but at one point they said, "it says to the children, 'you are not forgotten.'" at that, my eyes welled with tears and i could hardly contain myself. i had already been fighting what was obviously a losing battle looking at the children on the screen and remembering all my own children...half a world away. my heart longs to be back. they are most certainly not forgotten. i remember them every single day and i ask myself, "what are they up to? do they miss me too? i wonder how jesus is touching their lives today..." ugh. i always said i wish my super power was the ability to click my heels like dorothy in the wizard of oz and go anywhere i desired in the blink of an eye. i could click myself to india just to have lunch and click myself back in time for class. jesus clearly has the capacity to grant such a desire...maybe i should start praying. seriously though, i hope and pray those children know that they are not forgotten. not by me, not by our Redeemer. they are beloved. they are precious. they are valuable in our sight. they are loved. they are so loved. they are so incredibly loved. every ounce of their being is loved and i pray tonight that each one of them is claiming that truth in their own lives. i pray that in spite of parents that abuse them or abandon them, in spite of a culture that tells them they are less than animals, they look in the mirror and say, "i am whole. i am healed." dear Lord, may it be so.

fast forward a few more days. i'm attending a beautiful group that celebrates recovery, whatever that may be in the lives of the attendees. i was there to actually do some clinical work, but apparently there had been a mix-up and they had no idea we were coming. another student and myself slipped in behind their circle and sat for 45 minutes as these women shared their stories. some were just beginning to work through their brokenness while others had emerged on the other side and remained to offer hope. it was beautiful. and i was so naive. they shared stories of serious drug addictions, ones that took their children from them and left them without any idea as to who they really were. one woman (who i actually knew) told her story about being sexually abused as a little girl-- it took her 48 years to recognize her value in Christ. one lady said she used to share a bed with 10-15 different men every day just to fund her drug habit. she's now healed. another chronicled her battle with a terrible eating disorder and how every morning she wakes up, looks in the mirror, and says to herself, "you are beloved. you are holy in His sight. you are the head and not the tail. you are above and not below. you are valued." these women are also most certainly not forgotten.

now to today. TU volleyball game. the chatter of spectators and the echo of volleyballs being slammed on the court fill my ears. the girls explode off the ground and the powerful arm swing entrances me. i miss the game. something catches my eye off the backside of the court.

a man.
shuffling.
wearing a purple game shirt.
eating his popcorn.
waving his hands above his head and clapping because he sees everyone else doing it.
he's in his own world.

my heart seemingly stops. my eyes fill with tears. silence. Lord, help me fight the urge to cry. not here, Father. not in front of all these people. this is incredibly embarrassing.

i close my eyes. gain my composure. look around me. no one has noticed a thing and no one else is even looking at this man. he appears to be invisible. that part hurts more.

i sat for a moment or two, pitying this man, wondering if he has people in his life that love him and love him well. he's mentally retarded after all, and he's vulnerable.

then Jesus said to me, "why do you pity him? look at him! really look at him! he's so full of joy and he wouldn't be spending this moment of his life any other way. don't pity him. i love him just the same way i love you and even if no one here on this earth loves him well, it doesn't matter. i validate his life. his existence delights Me. cheer up, stace. he is most certainly not forgotten either."

redeeming love.

i have two warnings before you start reading this entry:

1. it is fairly personal. if that scares you or you just don't care, stop here.
2. it is all about love. sometimes that scares people too.

i just finished reading redeeming love for the second time a few weeks ago. i started it on a wednesday and was done by saturday afternoon. i simply couldn't put it down and although i remembered the gist of one of the most amazing love stories i've ever known, it struck me so differently because i am a totally different person than the college freshman that read it the first time around. i know this sounds silly, but i resonated with angel so much throughout the book-- i felt as if i was her in many ways. i didn't feel connected to her simply because she represents christians that turn their back on God and michael represents the God that keeps pursuing. that part is true, sure, but even just her part in the literal love story made me understand myself so much more. for those of you that haven't read it (which you should go and do right now!), the fiction novel is modeled after the book of hosea in the Bible. angel plays the part of gomer, the prostitute that God asks hosea (michael) to marry. she runs back to her lifestyle and he pursues her again...and again...and again. it is a beautiful picture of how God loves us and continues to redeem us, to buy us back, even when we willfully turn and run from Him.

i can tell you that i relate to angel because she pays penance a lot in her life. how could she, a soiled dove, ever deserve to be happy? how could she ever deserve a man as wonderful and pure as michael hosea? how could she ever ask forgiveness or be cleansed from all the terrible things she has done in her life? how? at one point in the book, she tells him that she wishes she were whole for him. he asks, "because you think it would make me love you more?" she simply thought, "no, so that i could be worthy of you." i dated a boy once, a very nice boy. he thought i was worth pursuing and he told me he wanted to take care of me and see if our relationship might ultimately end in marriage. from the moment he started taking interest, i always wondered why. how could he, a man that has seemingly never done anything wrong in his life, want to court a tainted trainwreck like myself? i entered into the relationship anyway, but eventually could not take the self-imposed feelings of unworthiness and decided to end it. i didn't really have a great reason to do so, however. i mean, the guy was practically perfect on paper! i ended up doing the only thing i knew would make me feel guilty enough to cut ties between us: i failed to resist the advances of another boy. i thought that if i could prove that i was so unworthy of dating him, it would force me to end something i truly did want and it would ultimately be in his best interest; he needed to be away from a girl such as me. after all, i'm not a girl worth pursuing. since then, i have dated no one else and a few years have gone by. i cut myself off from having any desire to date again and convinced myself that i neither needed nor wanted a man. i closed my heart off and blamed it on my busyness and independence, afraid to ever really be happy in a relationship again. i have literally been self-destructively thinking that in some way, paying penance for past mistakes would eventually make things right. oh, i have been deceived. i have settled for less on many occasions, did things i ought not to do, and thought that all along it was what i was resigned to for the rest of my life.

most of the time i am so far removed from the person i was so many years ago when i was steeped in an unhealthy relationship full of sin. i look at myself and say, "that's not who you are anymore. you've changed." that works a lot of the time (except in the aforementioned relationship with Great Christian Boy) and when people tease me about my past, i normally laugh it off and make light of it. after all, it's history. well, this past week that didn't work so well for me. let's just say that some joking was going on that didn't really feel a whole lot like joking...i got up from the table and ran off crying...for four hours. i was a wreck and all the lies i'd been fighting for so long overwhelmed me and i gave in. i had not felt so much shame in such a long time, as the comments were reminders of the tarnished girl i used to be. i cried out asking God, "when do i get to be free? when will i ever be able to stop paying penance for the past?" i was hysterical. when i finally arrived back to the room that night, i had one of the most amazing conversations with the girl that teased me. she cried, i cried...and i walked away feeling as if something truly beautiful had come from it all. it was a time of confession, a time of encouragement, and a time of truly fellowshipping the way i believe Jesus intends for it to be all the time. there is beauty in brokenness.

okay, i tell you all that to say this: i serve one amazing God. He threw me for a loop today. a dear friend of mine that now lives far away sent a package in the mail that arrived this morning. it was addressed to myself and two other girls and included a book for the three of us to read as well as individualized letters for each of us. i bawled when i read mine. the letter was dated the same day as my hysteria, but had been written at 5:33 am, long before the incident. My friend had been unable to sleep and instead had stayed up praying for my friends and myself and writing to us. she tells me why she wants me to read the book...

"this last chapter i read caused me to think of you specifically because it told the story of a woman who was ruled by the thoughts and lies that she wasn't good enough and was undeserving of a life free of shame and guilt because of her past. i know this is something you've wrestled with and even the other day on the phone a shimmer of doubt showed up in our conversation when you were talking about ***** because of 'your past.' Stac, those thoughts are crippling lies and choke all hope you deserve from your dreams and your life. don't look back on your life unless you can do it with the truth and knowledge of God's faithfulness. this is what matters! there is no other reason to look back because when we do that, we are only preventing ourselves from hoping and dreaming and living in the freedom that God loved us enough to rescue us. you deserve better because you are His child! You are not the person you once were! believe it, sister! :)"

isn't that amazing that she was praying for me concerning this struggle area of my life, not knowing that that very evening, i would face what i did? i feel so thankful that i was covered in prayer. despite how hard those four hours were, i hate to know how i would have handled things without someone standing in the gap for me. God has blessed me so, and if that doesn't demonstrate the redeeming love my God offers me, i'm not sure what does.

maybe a little personal (and a little long) tonight? sorry. i'm just tired of hiding.

God does not waste our suffering.

i don't understand why things in life happen sometimes, but what i do know is that God does not waste our suffering. my heart goes out to a few friends of mine right now as they and their families are struggling with some very life-changing situations. you all are in my prayers and even though i know you all know it, remember that nothing in our lives goes untouched by Him. He knows and cares for both of you and all of this is in His beautiful plan. just as He has never wasted mine, He also will not waste your suffering. keep your eyes fixed upon Him.

speaking of suffering though, the aforementioned lesson is one that God taught me while i was in india. bringing this realization to mind has helped me on numerous occasions since i have been back over the last three months. i miss my children every single day and although the intense pain is not as frequent as it was, it still comes around more often than i would prefer. leaving them was the hardest thing i ever had to do in life and multiple times throughout a day i wonder if they're lonely, hungry, frightened, etc. their lives are so hard and i can't begin to know what that's like, but it keeps me sane knowing that God is not going to waste their suffering. He uses the brokenness to bring beauty and that's redemptive. on an afternoon where i am consumed with thoughts of going back and heartache that it's not just as simple as hopping on a plane, i rest in that.

thought i might share some of my favorite moments...i can still hear the giggling. and as far as that last one goes, i have no idea why we were smiling! this was on the bus on the way to the airport to leave after an incredibly emotional goodbye.

tonight i am so restless. instead of completing any one of my three BIG papers this week, i instead find myself doing anything to avoid them. mostly those distractions consist of researching mission organizations like the world race (thank you, michelle), cure international, cmfi, etc. etc. etc. i feel as if my lack of focus can be blamed on the fact that i am just so ready to be DONE! i so desperately want to be utilizing the gifts and skills that the Lord has graciously blessed me with. i feel a bit stir crazy thinking i have six and half more months of this! although the prospect of graduation is still terrifying in and of itself, i'm simply excited to watch God's plan for me unfold before my eyes. i was telling a friend at dinner this week, "i feel like i've been made for so much more." i'm ready. well, as ready as one who has no confidence in her own abilities can be. ha. but india showed me i can have full confidence in HIS abilities. i'm not even worried about my own at this point. just relying on Him.

i had a coffee date last night that was incredibly interesting and mentally exhausting. the gentleman i met with was an acquaintance and was far more intellectual than i could ever hope to be. he was discussing issues i have no knowledge about and was talking as if i did or at least should. it was overwhelming because it was all about Scripture and made me feel as if i didn't love Jesus nearly as much because of my ignorance. i finally looked at him at one point and said, "i wish i had the knowledge that you do, but the fact is, i don't. my relationship with Christ is very real and it's personal and i love Him very much, but i know nothing about the history behind his lineage and cultures and various countries and exiles, etc. etc. etc. i just know that He's changed my life." maybe that is the most ignorant thing to say, but i've never really felt the desire to read a million commentaries and research apologetics. do i think it's interesting? absolutely. but i'm afraid of making my faith so much about head knowledge. to me, the Gospel is simple. why complicate the fact that Jesus died on the cross for me, a dirty and broken and completely undeserving individual? i think there can be a great balance between head and heart, but i never want my head to overpower what i know Christ has done in my heart and spirit. i'm not exactly sure if all this makes sense because it's truly the first time i've verbalized it all, but i hope what i'm saying doesn't make me sound like a pagan...

anyway, i suppose 10:35 is a sufficient time to begin working on my midterm critique for tomorrow. ha. i just needed one more way to procrastinate... :)

isaiah 42:16

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. -Isaiah 42:16

my eyes filled with tears this morning during my 7:50 class as one of my classmates shared this verse during our devotion time. it not only relates to my last post about feeling all mixed up inside, it also relates to all the confusion that sets before me regarding my future. everyone keeps asking, "so what are you doing in seven months?" my answer is perpetually, "i don't know." it's the truth too. i don't have a clue where God is going to lead me in seven short months. i suppose i just have to trust that He will not forsake me and light the way.

i keep thinking about grad school and how i should probably start looking-- maybe i'll move to the city, get a job, and once i'm settled in a few years, go back to further my nursing education. i could really enjoy my life and all the attractive and exciting things it has to offer a single, carefree, twenty-something. i see so many of my other graduated friends delving into what may be considered a fairly selfish life. but it's so attractive and enticing.

i could stay around indiana, enjoy time around my family, and settle into a routine life among what is comfortable. after all, my grandparents aren't going to be around forever, right?

or, i could do what the other half of my heart is longing for: i could go on an incredible adventure, one that leads me straight into the arms of broken and hurting people all over the world. i could become a missionary. it seems weird (and incredibly scary) that i've reached this stage of my life. i have been praying about it for years and yet now that it's all coming to a pinnacle, i'm frozen, unable to move or think or decide what in the world i want. i think i have an idea what i was made for, but it requires sacrifice-- and lots of it. it requires heartache. it requires being absent from the lives of so many i love. it requires blind faith. it requires wholly holy living. it requires selflessness. God, it requires too much! still, i simply cannot forget what my heart felt as i stepped out of the plane and onto Indian soil. it was like coming home again. i cannot forget how my heart cries out to be there every single day and i cannot forget what it was like to tell dhivya goodbye on the phone the other night; it felt as if my heart was being ripped from my chest again-- so i wept. do i really believe i can forget all that and live a "comfortable" life with no regrets in seven months? i just don't know.

i talked with eric about it last week. i told him about an email i got concerning being a nanny for a missionary couple in india for six months to a year starting in february. that clearly doesn't work with my school schedule, but it's something i'm still willing to look into. he told me i may want to know all my options, all the mission organizations i could possibly get on board with, and that i should formulate a list of what i want and send it to him. he can do some networking for me. at this point, we're not just talking about a short-term two-week trip as a student. we're talking about my life...as an adult. we're talking about choosing a lifestyle and one that will not be easy. but i suppose Jesus doesn't always call us to what is easy, huh? it's the real deal, people. it's time to put my money where my mouth is. it's time to decide if Jesus is big enough to be trusted with my future. so...i'm praying. please pray with me.

i remember driving one afternoon and calling my mom on the phone. i told her about a recent incident that broke my heart and i said, "mom, i am praying for a heart that breaks at the things that break Jesus' heart. i want my life to bring Jesus' healing balm to those that are hurting." she said, "stacey, don't pray for that life. it will hurt and be full of pain, full of the pain of others." but you know what? i don't care. i have experienced so much hurt in my life, but Jesus has brought me peace. it is that peace i desire to impart to others. oh, may God allow it to be so.

all mixed up.

as many of you know, i'm all mixed up inside. Jesus has done something to me and now i never feel quite right. besides the physical consequences india has left on my body, there are many many emotional and spiritual issues that my time there has wrought. i've been home almost three months--crazy, right?-- and still feel totally unsettled. it's getting to the point now that i'm not sure if i'm just mixed up and will eventually return to normal, or if it means i'm changed and meant to remain this way. i know this all seems very vague, so let me try to explain myself.

it all comes down to small things really, spending money being the biggest one. it used to be that i doubted God's ability to provide. now it is that i hate enjoying luxuries when i know my children halfway around the world are going to bed hungry. it doesn't mean that i never spend the money-- sometimes my rationality kicks in-- but as i hand the bills over, it just hurts inside. oftentimes i will be driving back in my car wondering, "why did you think you needed that? you could've gone without. now you are not allowed to spend money an anything for the next five days." i wonder if i am sometimes taking it too far, if i am paying penance for something i had no control over. i didn't ask to be born in the u.s. and i didn't ask that they go without. still, it's one of the things i struggle with the most. someone i shared with recently about this specific issue told me about a haitian missionary they had worked alongside. she said to them, "do not feel guilty. for whatever reason, God has placed you here in the u.s. and He has placed me in haiti. He has decided that i have nothing and that you have plenty for a reason. i do not want to be you. i do not want your life. so do not feel guilty." it was freeing for me to hear this story relayed to me. i sit here at my desk by lamplight, never having to worry if the power will cut out, with all my stuff around me and pity the poorest of the poor. it didn't really hit me until recently that maybe they don't want my pity. maybe they don't pity themselves. maybe they really do not want my life! what an arrogant and pompous way to think...i am an american through and though. i suppose that sentiment makes sense when i view it in light of the joy i saw in their lives. i envy that they don't have so many distractions, so many things to get in the way that only make them lust for more. still, i don't think that money spending is an issue that will become easy for me again.
i learned so much in india and i don't think that i have shared what any of those things are up until now. when i knew i'd be sharing at one of my church's Bible studies, i took my journal and my pictures and Bible to the wabash college library and just skimmed through, highlighting stories and lessons that i wanted to be sure to touch on. for time purposes, i will list them now and hope to elaborate further in entries to come.

1. God is universal.
2. love boldly.
3. trust blindly.
4. find God in every moment and renew a sense of childlike awe.
5. give until it hurts-- what is the most i can possibly give God?
6. God has called us to fellowship.
7. God uses us despite our severe inadequacies.
8. i cannot change the world, but i can change the world for one.
9. God never wastes our suffering.
10. entrust others into His care-- He knows best.
11. life is all about balance.

now, some of that may seem very vague right now or not make sense. it's a shorthand version of things God taught me and continues to teach me. i promise to expand later, but for the mean time, maybe there are some things that God may be asking of you in that list...love someone in your life boldly? trust Him blindly? give until it hurts? i'm not sure, but i will communicate soon exactly how each one of these has played out in my own life.

a fabulous weekend-- c'ville reunion! :)

i arrived back from a FABULOUS three days with some of my best friends in terre haute this weekend. i decided that i would forgo ethan's 5th birthday party next weekend (i will miss him though!) and used my gas money to drive three hours to isu to see my best friend-- see picture below.
after meeting some of her friends at "the office" premiere, we stayed the night in her dorm room. it was just really great to finally be able to visualize where she is every time i talk to her, but also to just talk honestly. God had been challenging me for some time to share some things with kate that i had been hiding for a very long time. turns out that little prompt and obedience to it brought a semblance of freedom-- on both sides. there is nothing like being 100% yourself with someone. she knows everything embarrassing or shameful i've ever done in my life now and although that leaves me completely vulnerable, i know it's all safe with her. i believe it's what the good Lord intended when He created us to be in fellowship with one another. i am blessed.

we met charlie for lunch friday, played around friday afternoon and grabbed dinner with kate's roommate and then finally headed over to daniel and lisa's late that night. we stayed two nights and had the best time surrounded by all our friends. their apartment was so stinking cute and we laughed a lot. charlie was in and out due to other obligations, but for the most part, we all spent the whole weekend together. it was exactly what i needed. i was telling my sister (as we were talking on the long drive home) that there really is nothing in life like the people that know your past and what you come from. i have AMAZING friends here at school- don't get me wrong- but sometimes it's refreshing to just be with people that love and accept the person that you've always been, not just the person you've become through all the experiences. God is good and He teaches me through these people. i feel so challenged and encouraged as i go to bed tonight.

things i'm thankful for...
1. a GREAT weekend.
2. hilarious games of Sorry. i'm obsessed.
3. belated birthday presents.
4. the opportunity to glorify Christ with my life each and every moment.

being thankful makes everything in life better.

tonight i went to visit my friend katie at payne's and we ended up talking for FIVE hours! i just love her...the thing is, we could have kept talking for much much longer. as we were chatting though, she mentioned that studies have been done that prove that by writing down/saying things you are thankful for at the end of each day actually improves your life and you are proven to get fewer colds!!! crazy what a little positive thinking can do for you...

here are today's three (or ten) beautiful things:
1. clearly, my time with katie. amazing.
2. my canceled 7:50 class this morning- yes!
3. today's amazing weather and sunshine.
4. suite Bible study. it blesses me to be with women that love Jesus.
5. winning an intense game of sorry this afternoon.
6. talking to my dad on the phone tonight.
7. a surprise birthday party for me, susan, becca, and jess! (mine's a little late, but we celebrated anyway and i got dirt pudding!)
8. lunch with steph and the hallis babies...i just love that little keegan and want to keep him all to myself!
9. laughing hysterically at raut (essentially having way too much fun in my suite in general)-- "this one's for you, stace!" or "stace, i need you in here!" ahahaha.
10. having a fully feminine heart.

i could go on and on and on because Jesus is just too good to me sometimes, but i will stop there. i have so many other things to update about...um, but they'll have to wait until later. bedtime!

three beautiful things...

1. being a part of something bigger than yourself...
2. laughing so hard that your abs get a workout.
3. meeting new people and rubbing lives with them.

your pain has changed me...

a friend introduced me to some sara groves music recently...by far, this song is my favorite and i find myself playing it in the car over and over and over again. in a song, sara managed to capture my heart's cry as a result of my time in india. this song blesses me and speaks when i have no words. truly their pain has changed me.


I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dreams inspire
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

i'll set the scene for you:

driving down washington street in crawfordsville, waiting for the light to turn green so i can turn down wabash and head home. there is a man wearing khaki shorts, a red polo, and some very thick-lensed glasses standing on the opposite corner waiting to cross the street toward me. i begin to make the turn but stop, wanting to wait for him to cross. his steps are jerky as he walks, clearly indicating he has some sort of physical defect. he sees me waiting and begins to run across the street to get out of my way. he is stumbling and struggling so hard all so that i can be home five seconds sooner than i would have had he walked. i begin to weep.

all of this transpired in a matter of ten seconds or less, but my heart hurts. i have just begun to really share about all that God did in india this summer and how His broken people have touched my life. even after being home for a month, many moments throughout the day are extremely difficult. part of what has been getting me through has been praying that God would reveal His broken and hurting people to me here in this place as well. my weeping at the sight of a stumbling man crossing washington is evidence that God is certainly answering my prayer. i had the urge to pull my car over, jump out, and hug this man. i sensed in a few short seconds that his life has been one of rejection and hurt and maybe even bitterness at the hand God has dealt him. i wanted to comfort him and tell him about a love that fills all the gaping wounds inside: the love of Christ. many of life's injustices that i witnessed in india and continue to witness here break my heart. why was i born into a family that loves me? why did God bless me with a body that works and a brain that thinks well? why is that God has revealed Himself to me in so many ways while i wait for the day that He reveals Himself to others i love and pray for without ceasing? why? why? why? i don't understand sometimes. i don't understand why some people suffer their whole lives like the hindus living in the streets of india when they don't even have hope for life after death. what kind of existence is that? are they just too stubborn to see? is God using their poverty and suffering to try to bring them to Him? but what if they don't turn? they've had a hard life and a terrible afterlife! oh, God...i have so many questions. please help me to make sense of what's going on in Your world. my heart is so burdened, but i entrust these people into Your hands, knowing despite the hurt that You love and care for them more than i could ever fathom.

it's days like today that make me want to run back to india. i mean, i want to do that everyday, but some are worse than others. today was one of those. 13 hours working in the restaurant with no break. i'm not even necessarily complaining about that because i had fairly good tables and nice people, but i am so hungry for some Christian fellowship. i need it in the worst way right now. everyone there makes me feel tired and weary and empty inside...it's like they suck the joy and Jesus right out of me. i try and try and try to talk about Him as much as possible, try to remind myself that i am working for Him and not for man, try to be the example of love that He woud want me to be, but dangit! it's hard to love like Jesus does. in india, it was simple. it's easy to love children that run for you when they see you coming. it's easy to serve and be caring toward such humble and broken people. my heart could not help but cry out for them. but here, it's hard. people are stubborn and sinful and hateful and AH! i just want to give up the fight and tell them what i think!!! i want to stop being kind and going the extra mile to help them out when i know i would never receive the favor in return. i want to call them mean names and gossip about them like everyone else does. my flesh longs to do so many things and yet, i cannot. God calls me to a higher standard. oh, how easy my life would be except for that. empty? probably, but i'm feeling pretty discontent right now. it makes me angry that i'm called to love these people...what a terrible heart condition. it makes me sick that i'm at this place to be honest. what kind of a person begrudges praying for others and serving them?

oh, Jesus, please help me love the way You do. please forgive me and fill me to overflowing with your Spirit. i'm tired and weary and i feel all broken apart inside. take my burdens, i pray. i want to know contentment and i want You to be enough. please, Jesus, i'm asking You to come and dwell in me fully. help me love You well. once again, i lay my life at Your feet for Your taking. be glorified.

struggling.

i've been home for 36 hours now and maybe it's too soon to write...i don't know, but i have so many thoughts floating around my head and it's driving me crazy not to have anywhere to put them. so maybe it is too soon to talk about certain things concerning my time in india as i haven't even really begun to process, but i do know i want to ask for prayer concerning my readjustment.

i woke up yesterday morning feeling completely lost. it is the weirdest thing to sleep in the home i have occupied for 16 years and still feel like a stranger within its walls. i look out the window and don't see copious amounts of trash in the street and think how odd it is. i see woman wearing shorts and tanktops and think about how immodest they look. i open up my refrigerator and marvel at cold drinking water. i walked into the grocery store last night and was shocked at the all the food on the shelves and how i didn't have to think twice about whether it was safe to eat or not. i cried spending almost $4.00 on a gallon of milk, knowing that it is more expensive than some people's weekly wages. i don't know where to start. yesterday i sat at this computer and uploaded photos and just stared for hours. i miss them. i miss them with everything in me and i desperately want to go back. returning to the states has been harder than i imagined and i suppose reverse culture shock is setting in in the worst way. after two days of travel and no shower or sleep, i said to liz, "we look like we've been through Hell and back." she said, "back? i don't think we're through it yet." at this moment, i would have to agree. i'm not angry like i thought i might be...yet. it is more that my heart feels completely broken. knowing that i cannot just walk down the path to see my precious children kills me inside. vividly recalling their tear-stained faces and racking sobs as we said our goodbyes haunt me. i don't know where to start. i am at a loss on how to begin comprehending what has just happened to me and how it fits into my world here, as i feel like i have no one who can truly 100% understand. please, if you are reading, be praying. my world has been turned upside down and i feel like a foreigner in my own home. i feel panicky sometimes and so i choose to be in denial at moments, but i don't want to deny the change in my heart just because it hurts too much to think about people i love suffering there. pray that God would give me the strength to fully face what He has showed me and that He would be the One to help me through the transition process. pray that india would change lives and that God would give others a love for His beautiful people there as well. i promise when i begin to figure things out, i will share about the many happenings during my last weeks there, but for now, i need to be left alone with my thoughts and with Jesus. thank you all for your prayers even now-- they make all the difference. love you all.

well, this will officially be my last update while i'm in india. i cannot put into words how much God has shown up, how faithful He has been to our prayers, and how evident His presence has been as He has walked beside us every step of the way. i have never felt so inadequate for such a long period of time before, but i have learned to be okay with that because it just means that God gets all the glory and gets to do all the work! as i contemplate leaving this place, my mind and heart are overwhelmed by God's goodness and i try to remember to be thankful that i ever got to be a part of these people's lives rather than being sad that i won't be soon. it amazes me that we serve a God that can bind hearts together despite a very obvious language and cultural barrier and more than ever before, i believe God hears my prayers and that He answers every single one of them!

yesterday we met with the Indian board of directors and presented them with the extra money that you all blessed us with. it was truly a "God moment" in the room with them, as we cried sharing with them the impact this place has had upon our lives and then told them how we wanted to bless them. we were able to provide funds for 2 sewing machines, a staff member salary for three years, purchase English Bibles for all the staff members, put on a feast for the children, and help cover extra expenses they have for the children's food, fuel, clothing, etc. that is not being covered by sponsors right now. so thank you thank you thank you for your part in that. they were so blessed by it and after weeks in prayer about where to allocate the money, we feel confident that it truly was what God had in mind.

i have two more days with my children here, so you can bet i will be soaking up every last moment with them. again, i will be updating extensively when i get home, but please continue to pray. jessica has been down with a fairly severe stomach flu for almost two days, so please pray for her recovery and that elizabeth and i do not catch it! we do not want to be traveling home sick!!!

i will continue to pray for all of you and cannot wait to share about all of God's many blessings during my time away when i return. to Him be all the glory and honor and praise! love you all!

just a little guy today...

last time i promised that i would be a better steward of my time, but today, there is no time! 30 minutes, slow internet, etc. doesn't leave me with much time to update. but i do want to thank you all for your emails and comments as they are such an encouragement to me. i know i have been saying it, but i cannot express my heartfelt gratitude in knowing that you all are praying for us! you're doing the hard work half a world away, so thank you for joining our team and being a part of the amazing ministry God has in India.

i would like to say that church last week went well. it was the one thing i was dreading all week and it turned out to be the biggest blessing yet. God worked a miracle, but that will have to wait. the week back with the children has been absolutely incredible (as usual) and i have been shedding many tears in anticipation of coming home. i wish that i could say that i desire to leave, that i want to come back, but the God's honest truth is that i could stay here forever. Johnson keeps offering, but i told him my mom might not appreciate that. he says she can come too. ha. i can truly say that this place has become one of my favorite places in all the earth. as we enter our last week here, and i know it will fly by, please be praying that God would be preparing our hearts to leave and that anything He desires to communicate and teach His people here through us would be accomplished before we go. please pray for His comfort, as i feel my heart breaking every moment now. thank you all! i wish i could write more, but most go! updates when i get home to come! 8 days! love you all and may His blessings pour out upon you this week as He blesses abundantly here!

never ceased to be amazed...

i feel so silly every time i sit down to write you all, knowing that i left a disclaimer the post before because i never know if i will be able to update. well, God came through again. on our way to the leprosy home yesterday, we passed by an internet cafe within walking distance from our quarters. after i returned home from duty at the medical mission, we made our way here. it is by far the slowest internet i have experienced yet, but all my frustration and squinting is worth being able to share! :)

in case you are a little confused, elizabeth, jessica, and i are in neyyoor right now and have been since tuesday. we will be picked up at 7:15 sunday morning to go to sutheban's (an Indian board member) church where liz will preach, we will do a special song during the service, i will pray a dedication blessing for a new baby, we will lead Bible stories and songs for the Sunday school children, and then help lead a women's fellowship meeting that evening. i am SO overwhelmed and feel very out of my element! i am not a christian ministries major!!! ha. i am also leading chapel for nurses in the morning and uncomfortable with it, but trying to look at it as another opportunity to grow. God calls us all to minister, right? :) anyway, my experiences at the hospital have been...interesting. the first night we all wanted to call Johnson and tell him to let us come back to the orphanage! we were miserable. liz and jess are not big fans of hospitals anyway and this one looks like it came right out of a movie! i'm not kidding-- it's like 1960 nursing and older in many aspects. they have so many needs and look to me as an "American nurse" as if i can save them from their terrible financial situation. nurses here make about $100/month. the anesthesiologist i worked with made $250. the cataract surgery i watched cost $50 and the sigmoid colon cancer excision with anastomes was $375. unreal. i have hardly touched patients (i held a screaming mother's hand during labor-- no epidural and hardly any pain medication-- and helped examine cancer patients today), but have seen SO much and am shocked everyday. where do i even begin? they pray before surgeries that God would remove the bacteria from the air and prevent infection because there is no laminar air flow or even air conditioning! it was 85 degrees as the surgeon sliced open the man's abdomen and i about passed out from the heat. the OR door is open to outside air and nurses ran in and out about 100 times during a 2-hr. procedure. afterward, they wheeled him outside to a different ward in the compound. the best part was that the power went out in the middle of surgery as his intestines were resting nicely on his belly. don't worry, it was only three minutes before the back-up generator came on and besides, he had manual ventilation and anesthesia so the power outage didn't suffocate him. AH! i was having a heart attack watching. did i mention they wear flip-flops all the time, even in surgery?! they said they are "very careful," but sometimes vomit or blood gets on their feet. they just go wash it off. they know who has HIV and hep. B anyway, so no worries. i have so many more instances than these, but you all get the picture. be thankful for american healthcare!!! it doesn't matter that it costs an arm and a leg-- be thankful! be thankful that doctors do not treat our cancer patients with radiation machines from 50 years ago! be thankful that they have morphine and epidurals! i will never again complain about bad bedside manner or discomfort in hospitals. these patients all share one room and sleep on metal gurneys, are wheeled in metal wheelchairs, etc. it is unreal and i really wish i could have taken my camera to get some photos. i met with the medical superintendant this afternoon and she shared stories with me about God's miraculous healings in the hospitals, as that is their only resource at times. she is a phenomenal woman and has asked for our help as we travel back to the states. even equipment that is 10 or 15, even 20 years old would be of help here in this place. if they do not update their machinery soon, i fear that the medical mission started by missionaries in 1838 will be gone. they stand for God in a country shrouded in darkness. being their advocate when i return is a task i am more than happy to undertake. so...if you're reading and God is prompting, please pray for this hospital and the doctors here. they are brilliant, but they have little to work with. so please remember them!

(disclaimer: i am now picking up where i left off yesterday when the power cut out here, so there is a slight time change-- chapel went very well this morning. i praise Him for that and for finishing my time at the hospital well. we visited the children's polio home today. they were charming.)

so, what else has been going on in the last week? well, before we came to neyyoor tuesday evening, we had many heartwarming moments with johnson. he is quite a special man. our difficult conversations that we had to have at the home went over incredibly well, thanks to many prayers from all of you i know. so thank you for that. in all my life, i have never seen so many answered prayers in such a short period of time. i absolutely love it. although this last week at the hospital was challenging and uncomfortable in many ways, we always had the comfort of our God. He is oftentimes the only One i share my thoughts and feelings with; sometimes that is a result of being unable to vocalize them, but other times it is simply because He has become my very best friend. i mean, we were close before, but i have never had to rely upon Him the way that i have these last three and a half weeks. i always had all of you to turn to. i have elizabeth and jessica and i have been so thankful for how God has bonded us together, but really, He has become more vital and special to me in my time here than He ever has before in my life. i thank Him that i know He is using our time here in India not only to point others to Him, but also to draw ourselves closer to Him as well. i like double blessings! :) one of our funnier moments with johnson this week was after we returned one evening. we were standing in the doorway talking to helan and he could not see us. we heard our phone begin to ring and when we ran to get it, it was him calling from across the hall! he said, "well, you were standing in the doorway and i couldn't see you." we thought that was hysterical and so touching. we went to puthievan's (an Indian board member) church on sunday and shared a special song with 500 of them while johnson preached. afterwards we taught the children songs in english and they seemed to enjoy it greatly. one great lesson i learned while there reminded me of the woman in mark 12. she came and gave her all, even though it was nothing in comparison to the rich man. but he had only given a portion. as we sat in the service, unable to understand any tamil, we noticed the offering table close in front of us. underneath it was food given as offerings...mangoes, coconuts, etc. off to the side was one egg someone left. one single egg. in america, that gift would surely be scoffed at, but it was all this person had and they wanted God to have their best, even though in the eyes of the world, it wasn't much. we have no idea what it is like to only have one egg in life, but to give it anyway. i was blown away by this selfless act of sacrifice and seeing it under the table that day is a picture i will never forget. i pray for a heart like the one that offered the egg, a heart that trusts Him fully to provide for me. it's all His anyway. it has taken me a long time to get to this place, but now more than ever i am beginning to understand that absolutely nothing i have in life has had to do with anything i have contributed. like the giver i saw sunday morning, i want to give my all.

dhivya, an 18-year old nursing student at the home, gave us henna tattoos on our hands sunday evening as well. i took pictures of it as it is now fading, but wow! she is incredibly talented. before it was my turn, i played hand slapping games with the children and little Abirami sat on my lap and just giggled. she was making funny faces and tickling me back! i got four kisses from her that day and it's safe to say that if kidnapping were legal, we would have a new citizen of the united states in three weeks! ha. she does have a little brother at the home now though- he arrived that afternoon and is an exact replica of her. they have three cousins there as well and all are grandchildren of the home cook. it is hard to picture, as the cook has seemlingly had a very hard life. her teeth are orange and she is extremely rough around the edges. when we wore our saris the other day, she asked for a picture with us. when i stood beside her, it took a lot within me to wrap around her and not cringe, i am ashamed to say. i prayed for His love though and it was as if i was able to instantly see her worth through His filter. the children love her and she does great work there with a servant's heart. God allowed me to appreciate that about her and i have grown to love her too. my experience with her that evening really helped me recognize my need to pray for His eyes as i was preparing to leave for the hospital. it put a lot of fear in me that when everything inside me revolted at the sight of patients, i would be unable to love them and show them Him. but again, He answered those prayers and was faithful. i never once felt like cringing in their presence and that is DEFINITELY nothing of me.

oh, i have so much more to share, but our driver just arrived to pick us up! next time i will be a better steward of my time. promise! keep praying. i love you all and am so thankful!

only 24 days left...

i write with a sense of urgency tonight as i sit in the internet cafe watching indians ride by on their bicycles and see mothers walking barefoot while carrying their half-naked babies. the sights and sounds and smells of india still surprise me at times, but i have fallen in love with the culture. i can't even begin to express what the thought of leaving does to me, although johnson (the man that started the orphanage) says, "you will be back." i pray that i will, but life doesn't give us guarantees, so in the mean time, i am attempting to soak up every last bit of india that i can. i write with urgency because of the incredible increase in spiritual warfare we have experienced as of late. elizabeth said it best today when she remarked, "i knew this was going too smoothly." we have encountered some issues that are requiring difficult conversations lately and so i ask that you would be praying fervently now. please be praying that the trusting relationships we have established with the staff here would not be destroyed by these conversations and that they would understand our place here is only to love and serve and that everything is in their best interest. sometimes it is so hard to communicate that over such large cultural barriers. please also be praying for wisdom of the board of directors and for unity within the organization. we know God has a bigger plan here than we originally imagined and we simply want to communicate the message He desires. please also be praying for the many needs the orphanage has: more staff members, pillows, sewing machines, buildings, etc. they simply do not have everything necessary to run the orphanage the way it should be, so ask that God would provide. i trust He will.

we visited kanyakumari last sunday and my journaling that night was heavy laden to say the least. i passed by the tsunami memorial, marking the point where thousands were wiped out by that terrible tragedy. i sat on a ledge overlooking the ocean...right beside a small building where people were offering prayers to some of the 33 million gods worshiped in this country. india is a country bound by hinduism and it was never so evident to me as it was last weekend. i watched a lady prepare her bed for the night on the side of the walkway and passed by numerous beggars crouched next to buildings. one young boy was leaning on his side on the ground. as i got closer, i could see that it was because he did not have legs from the knees down or arms from the elbows down. i did notice, however, that he had a smile on his face as he conversed with another man. he was basically laying in dirt and trash and i'm sure was assaulted by the pungent odor of urine and body odor that was all around. but he had found something to smile about. i pray that whatever it was it has its foundation in God, but there was still something to learn from this boy. i didn't know what to do with myself that night and when i remember it, i still don't. i weep at the overwhelming weight of our world situation and my eyes are shocked at the poverty i witness outside the walls of the home. where does one, with the help of God, even begin? before i flew to india, i thought on many occasions that God could use me to change the world. on that night, i seriously questioned that. how could i, as one young girl, possibly make a dent in this manmade mess? i haven't been able to answer that question as of now, but i don't feel quite as discouraged now as i did then. i know God cares and i know the plight of His people breaks His heart even more than mine, so i rest in that knowledge.

english was very hard this week, as the indians have no words for helping verbs! "do, does, did, has, had, have, would, could, should, can, may, might, must, shall, be, been, being, am, is, are"...none of these words exist in their language! try explaining that! it was difficult, but we got though and i think they have a fairly good grasp on it. indians are quick learners! speaking of learning though, i'm learning a little tamil of my own. the kids love quizzing us in the evenings, so we study before we head over there. they told us if we don't, we will be in trouble! ha. i guess it's only fair to learn their language if we are asking them to learn ours. we also took our cameras down to the home tuesday evening. it was chaos! "sister, one picture! sister! sister!" oh my goodness, i can't even describe the madness that ensued for an hour. it was totally worth it though...i got some really awesome pictures and video to bring home to show all of you. i can't post it here now for safety reasons, but will almost the minute i get home! :) when i left that evening, the girls were telling me they loved me in english. i melted, but was quickly surprised when i was hugged fiercely and then kissed on the lips! it didn't bother me, but i wondered if it was culturally okay. no one seems to care though, as i have been kissed numerous times since then. when i told them i loved them back, i really wanted to say, "i love you too and i have for months, before we even knew one another."

on wednesday nivya came by our room to try american snacks and we showed her pictures of the states and introduced her to our music. she loved fruit snacks and granola bars! that afternoon we headed over early because the staff asked us if we would wear their saris. before i knew what was happening, the entire female staff was in the room and i was half dressed! i felt very embarrassed knowing they are very modest, but they didn't seem to care. we took lots of pictures with them, but the kids would hardly touch us! nivya said it was because they were staring at our beauty, but it was like a whole different level of respect wearing those things! the most well-off staff member probably only has 10 saris to her name, each costing $5 which is considered very expensive here. her life's wardrobe costs $50 and she was so honored to have us dressed in her finest. it was a humbling experience. she did sneak away, however, and put on my dress from home. it was very funny and we shared a picture in our swapped outfits. on my way back to our room that night, we encountered a snake on out path. very small, but still. i yelled, "snake!" because liz was about to step on it, so i didn't have time to describe its size. jess and liz took off running down the path. hysterical. johnson was so worried about us though that he walked us to the road with a flashlight for dinner that night and even called ahead to tell the others at the home about the "scared American girls." hahaha. he is our caretaker and now we call him "tata," which is an affectionate term for grandfather in tamil. we said to him this afternoon, "you will miss us when we are gone." he paused for a moment and replied, "it will be as if i am losing three of my children." i cried again. big surprise.

thursday night was spent on the roof. it has been overcast almost the whole time we have been here, so when the moon was bright and the stars were out, we headed up to the roof. we prayed and sang worship songs together there and God certainly met us on that roof. i was left in awe of my Creator that night and as we poured our hearts out in prayer to Him, i know He was listening in our midst and was pleased with what He heard. my continual prayer is that He would be enough. i do not desire to place my trust in the things of this world, but rather in the One that made the entire universe. it kills me to think of how easily satisfied i am most of the time. i settle for the rags of men when He desires to bless me with eternal riches. i notice only outward appearances, but God wants to teach me to look inwardly. i choose to remain in bondage as He wants to extend me freedom. at the end of my life, i want to look back and thank Him for how He chose to use my life for His Kingdom, not for how much stuff i accumulated that i cannot take with me. i have very little here. 8 outfits and a few books and i have everything i could need. i am living life and am full of joy. the difference is that here in india it is acceptable to not have much to "show" for yourself. i get so discontented in the states because it would be unacceptable to have 8 outfits. who am i to think i deserve a comfortable life or more than what i need? i am ashamed by all the things i often indulge in...i have so much to learn here.

i did have a chance to chat with nivya and gigi about the commonality of individuals living among hindu families that are forced to hide their faith. nivya called them, "true believers." i told her i have never known faith like that, that i have never had to exercise my faith like that. i have never had the perseverance to pray for 12 years for the same thing-- that my family would be saved. our conversation was eye-opening and it blessed me. i hope sharing my heart blessed them as well, even though it is uncommon to be that open with another individual in their culture. i trust He had a hand in it.

eric sent us a postcard today from when he was in dubai. among other things it said, "keep journaling, as your time there will be over soon." i was reading it in the middle of our morning session with the kids and tried to keep my emotion in check, but began to cry thinking of leaving them. they were worried and when they asked why, i had nivya explain that i loved them and was dreading saying goodbye. at that, rehka placed her head on my shoulder and began to cry too. the thing is, the children keep saying, "coming back next year." we tell them no, but still they seem to believe we will be back then. i may never see them again in my life, so i know that in three sundays when we have to say goodbye, many hearts will be broken. i believe they love us just as much as we love them. i continue to pray for a heart that loves boldly.

we will be at the hospital starting tuesday evening this week, so we will be away from the children until sunday. i don't know if we will have internet access there and the following week we may go to kanyakumari to buy souvenirs, etc. so there is no guarantee i will have access to post for the rest of my time here. please pray that we do, but know that if we do not, God is remaining faithful and i am remembering all of you. thank you for being my cloud of witnesses and being part of this. love you all, all the way from india.

another week in india...

i would first like to say that God is teaching me patience...i have been at this internet cafe for over an hour and finally was able to get on and read all your comments and update. forgive me for not acknowledging them last week. i didn't realize they were there, but as i read them, it was as if i could see and hear each and every one of you like we were talking face to face. i wept. my eyes are still full of tears and the Indian gentleman that runs the place looked at me as if i were crazy. it's not anything new really-- the Indians always just think we are a bunch of "crazy Americans." ha. thank you all very much for your kind words and prayers though. they really mean more than i can express.

i brought my journal along with me this time so that i can more quickly put my jumbled thoughts into coherent words for you all to read. since i wrote last, a lot has happened. after we returned monday evening from the cafe, we had dinner. they brought sandwiches for us from town and i made the mistake of eating the "spicy one" while everyone else had cheese and tomato or something similar. the next afternoon, i started to feel pretty awful as i headed over to the orphanage to meet the children after their school day. eric, liz, and jess sent me back and before i knew it, i had turned the fans off in our room, put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants, and was still freezing! let me say, you never feel cold in india. whenever i do anything, i sweat now. i realized i had a fairly high fever-- i am guessing 102 or 103 by the way i felt. when the others returned they immediately gave me tylenol and a motion sickness med because of my constant urge to vomit. God spared me from that end, but not the other if you catch my drift. (sorry for those of you that don't appreciate details, but i was on my death bed!) i cried and just wanted a soft bed and my mom. they laid hands on me and prayed for me though and i was sure that God would make me better-- i was supposed to visit the hospital and the doctor and nurse i would be working with the next day! helen, the wife of the man that used to run the orphanage, lives across the hall and she and her husband watch out for us. she was very worried and stood in the doorway the whole time they prayed for me. when they were finished, she hobbled in and said, "pray in tamil." she placed her cold hand on my forehead and started saying what i know was one of the most heartfelt prayers i ever witnessed. i couldn't understand a word she uttered, but there was power in it. i felt the Spirit overcome me and i sobbed the entire time she interceded. i wish i could more adequately explain what happened between us in that moment, but i don't know how to describe it. all i can say is that i felt the Spirit more in those few minutes than i have ever felt tangibly in my life. it was something i will never forget. it amazes me how i couldn't even properly tell her thank you b/c we don't share a common tongue, but we certainly share the same God. He touched me through her prayer, even when i couldn't understand-- God overcame a language barrier and used helen in my life. i am amazed by that. needless to say, it was still a hard night, but i woke the next morning feeling fine. i still was not able to go anywhere that day b/c i was fairly weak (liz and eric went to the hospital without me!), but God healed my body of food poisoning and had touched my spirit in the meantime. i will forever be thankful that i came down with such a miserable sickness-- it allowed me to see Him in a way i never had before. praise Him!

i was able to call home on wednesday and that was such a blessing. mom, dad, grandma sharon-- it was good to talk with you all and hear your voice. thank you for praying. on thursday, my first day back with the staff and kids, i had the most amazing time. it was eric's first day away from us and our first day to try and rough it without him. we were overwhelmed by the thought of it, but God blessed our day with laughter and good fellowship and teaching with Nivya (our translator) and just between the three of us. in fact, since he's been gone, it has been nothing but God showing up. He is faithful and there is never a moment i feel as if He has left me, even when i'm seemingly flying by the seat of my pants. :) thursday night as i journaled though, i was filled with brokenness. i shall share an excerpt:

The children here at the orphanage would be starving without this place. They would be receiving no education and would possibly never come to hear about Christ. Those children didn't choose to be born in India and they didn't choose to have a hard life- it chose them. Tonight I feel thankful that God chose to give me an "easy" life and that He chose for me to come here to this place so I could appreciate it even more. These children have so much love to give and I cannot describe how wonderful it feels to have 4 little hands in mine at once while a little one tugs at my skirt. They call me "sister" and give me kisses and I would love nothing more than to shove a few in my suitcase and take them home with me. Oh, that God would give me strength to love them BOLDLY. I don't want to fly home with one ounce of love left in me that could have been given, both to the children or the staff. Tonight I go to bed humbled by being in His service."

oh, how i wish you could all be here with me! i cry thinking about leaving this place and sometimes find myself desiring to hold back, not to give too much of my heart b/c i anticipate how difficult it will be to tell them goodbye, not knowing if i will ever be able to return to this place. so please pray that i will give them all of me-- even when it's hard. they run when they see us coming now and it is a sight i will hopefully capture on video for you all! :) they yell to be picked up and then snuggle in really close when we do. please also be praying that we would not get head lice from the kids! we love to cuddle them and they all have it from sleeping on straw mats on tile floor all crowded in a room together. if i get it, it won't be the end of the world, but i'm putting in requests to the Big Guy that i won't!

we're still teaching the staff English in the mornings, followed by creative study. they have requested that starting this monday we teach them study for the staff alone-- they think they know ways to teach the children by now. although that is intimidating, i am also amazed at their desire to grow and thankful for it. they still don't quite understand that there is more than one posture of prayer and that it is okay to give me prayer requests. i have been meeting with Sumin and Ezhyl and when i say, "how can i pray for you?" they never mention anything about themselves. it's not Indian culture to open up about struggles or be anything but "fine." slowly but surely i think we are getting the message across. be praying for those two specifically, that He would strengthen our bond in Him and a relationship of trust and intimacy would be formed.

we head over to the home around 4:30 in the afternoon to meet the kids, play with them, and teach them songs. we'll be tutoring the older ones in English from 6:30-8:00 this week as well. today we definitely flew by the seat of our pants, as the staff arranged 3 hours with the kids in the chapel for us! we were told they would have curriculum they needed help with, etc. and that they might want to be taught a song. well, when we arrived at 9 am, that was definitely not the case! God was faithful though and led us in ways to occupy three hours' time! ha. it was scary! they now know three new English worship songs (with actions, of course) and learned the story of Saul on the road to Damascus. we sent the little ones away then and helped the older with English we'd been teaching the staff all week. whew! minor catastrophe avoided!

that's really all for now though-- we're headed back soon to see the kids! :) oh, i guess i did do LOTS of laundry by hand in a sink today. talk about hard work! mom, you would be so proud! hahaha. there have been more creatures (ticks are prevalent as well- sick!), but that's commonplace by now. ha.

thank you again for all your prayers. i hope the update on how God is moving is as encouraging to you all as it is for me to see. i have not forgotten for one second that i have brought many people with me to india for this journey and i pray for you all daily. may God bless you all and give you opportunities to see His Kingdom everyday as i see it here. to Him goes all the glory. i love you all and hopefully will be back again next week to write. if you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry. accesss is just limited. until then, much love and prayers and blessings! miss you!

p.s. good luck to steven and josh at state! i am SO proud and wish i could be there for their special game! it will be 1:30 in the morning tonight when they throw the first pitch, so i will pray before i fall asleep! :)
p.p.s. cherie, i am especially praying for you right now as i know you are anticipating a visitor soon-- He will give you the opportunity and words. i am confident.

safe and sound in india!

for those of you who may have been waiting for a word from me, i have arrived and am safe and sound in india! i am currently sitting in an internet cafe in a nearby village (we took a very terrifying 15 minute drive here-- the traffic is madness!) because i do not have the internet at the orphanage as previously hoped. we are expecting to make a trip to the cafe once a week to catch up on email and update everyone from home. mom and dad, i am also planning on calling about once a week, so hopefully you'll be able to hear my voice soon-- i miss you both a lot. i also must be careful with the words i use in my post, as Hindu extremists monitor every word being posted here. forgive me if i am vague at times. it is only to protect the other girls and myself as well as the children and staff at the home.

i suppose i'm totally overwhelmed and don't even know where to begin. i have had 4 ays in the country and our interpreter finally arrived today. we believe it was His protection, as we sort of needed a "soft landing" for the first few days as we acclimated ourselves to the many new things and recovered from jet lag. at home it is currently 9:45 in the morning while the sun has almost gone down here. it's strange, but i'm learning not to think indiana time anymore. so we arrived thursday afternoon, exhausted, and since then have been doing a lot of planning and "being honored." when eric told us that the people here would treat us better than any husband we'll ever have, i'm afraid he was right. adjusting to their culture and allowing them to get used to the idea of us as "servants" has been hard. they want to feed us constantly and make sure we are always comfortable, even bringing in pizza (although it was the HOTTEST pizza i have ever had in my life!) for last night's dinner. that was a special treat i must say b/c i have been eating a lot of rice, chapatis, soup that resembles potato, this crazy red cauliflower, fish with scales (creepy!), chicken cut every which way, and tea everyday twice a day. the heat makes me feel full constantly, so they worry we're not eating enough. they eat more in one setting than i could possibly eat in a day! the kids' appetites are quite impressive. the staff serves us different food though b/c theirs is too hot for us and we sit at a special table while they all sit indian style on the floor. after the first two meals, i learned to use my "natural" spoon...my right hand. ha. it's been interesting to say the least, but they show me a lot of grace. the weather hasn't been too horrible, but i do take a shower in the morning and at night before bed. i simply cannot go to bed and sleep that sticky. the showers are cold which isn't normally a problem, but one night we ran out of water. thankfully i had already washed off the soap when it happened. i do have a friend that hangs out in our bathroom all day though...we found him in the toilet to begin with and then he hopped up the wall. a friendly frog has been our companion up until this afternoon when we finally caught him and set him free out in the yard. hopefully a cobra ate him. ( sorry, mom, but they do have those here! they killed one last week, but i haven't seen one yet and hope to never see one!) we have encountered many creatures we are not accustomed to, including salamanders in our apartment, spiders everywhere including the toilet (i got bit in my sleep last night by something--spider probably.), preying mantis, giant stickbugs, and scorpions. i killed one in our room the first night. we scream a lot, which usually brings our kind neighbor helen over to make sure we're not dying. we've tried to tone it down lately for her sake. but besides the time change, the spicy food, the creatures, and the hot weather, everything is just like indiana! hahaha. i actually don't think i've found one thing that is like indiana yet. i'm learning so much though and think you all will be proud of how tough i have become when i return to the states.

as far as the children are concerned, they are amazing. we don't have much interaction with the boys, but there are 72 girls ranging in age from 6-18. the 6-year olds look like they could be two or three though, so it's hardly comparable to the states. our first visit with them, they were very timid, but would gather around us in large groups. i could tell they wanted to touch and hug us, but weren't sure if it was okay. the next day was a complete 180. they grabbed me, dragged me over to some chairs, and then all sat around us as we sang songs in english to them. we did the hokey pokey and played other games and they were so sweet, calling us "alagu," which means beautiful. many times they would put their hand in mine and say, "white pretty, black bad." my heart hurt then, realizing that they all wish they were white b/c it means privilege and a life different than their own. we attended service with them that evening and they were vying for the seats next to us. it was like they couldn't get enough of our attention. they truly are captivating though and i want to give them all my attention and love and affection. Their service was different though-- they sing a gajillion verses of a tamil song, say a very long petition on their knees with their hands together, and then the staff member leading it reads a chapter out of the "good book" and then they are done. it's very routine and formal and many of the kids can't make it through without falling asleep. part of what we are doing here is teaching creative ways to lead service in order to engage the children b/c there is no interaction at all. in indian culture, people don't think for themselves. the one in charge tells you what you think and that is that. they don't do discussion b/c they learn from hearing and then memorize it and then they are done. there is also a problem of intimacy between these indian individuals and the alpha and omega. we are beginning to break them up in small groups in order to disciple them and teach them how they can lift each other's needs to him. in the morning also, we are starting to teach english. they can read it very well, but do not understand the meaning of the words. they cannot hear our english very well b/c the pronunciation is COMPLETELY different. that has made it hard on both sides, but they have never had an actual U.S. citizen to talk to. they also are very afraid to speak it b/c in their culture, they are told "if you can't speak it correctly, don't say anything at all." getting their cooperation has been frustrating and challenging. we are going to begin tutoring the children during their study time in the evening as well, hoping to help them improve their english too. then at 8:30 pm, we will go to the service to watch the staff lead a more engaging study that we helped them prepare during the afternoon. we're here to help them help themselves, not to come in and change everything. i came with very high hopes and i hope not to disappoint anyone at home when i say that i am not sure we will accomplish everything we planned. but the One knows what our real purpose here is and so we're being flexible according to His leading. change is very hard for the people here when they have had generations and generations of tradition, but if we walk away having only taught the staff how to be intimate with one another, sharing petitions and concerns with one another, and ultimately with Him, that will be a huge help. we're hoping to start something that they will carry on after we are gone and eventually that they will teach the children.

so many things have broken my heart since i've been gone though...we drove through the villages and seeing temples and pictures of various idols everywhere was hard. in fact, there is a light up idol in the booth i am sitting in this very second. it permeates indian life. when i saw the old woman walking completely bent over in the dirt road, my heart broke. when i saw people wearing no shoes, carrying water on their heads (which i am sure was completely unsafe) to their shacks, my heart broke. when i see the children in the same outfit every other day, my heart breaks. when i watch their faces as i go to hang my own 5 clothing items on the line after laundry, my heart breaks b/c i know it is more than they have ever possessed at one time. when i see a child show up to the orphanage when only a plastic sack half full of everything they own in the world, my heart hurts. when i watched a grandmother raise a stick to beat her grandchild, my heart broke. i know it is only the beginning of a long road where He will show me the plight of His lost and destitute people and to be honest, i am burdened at the thought of knowing i don't even have a clue yet. please be praying for the openness of the indian people and for our interactions together. please be praying for the financial needs of the home-- the cost of living has gotten so much more expensive and it is hard to feed all the children all the time. please be praying that despite our frustrations and fears, He would provide us with confidence and understanding of these people. we feel so inadequate and b/c the need is so great, it often overwhelms us. still, we know He goes before us and He will lead, if only we listen closely. i am great, i really am, and at this very moment i do not desire to be anywhere else.

5 weeks, friends. in 5 short weeks i will be heading home. thank you for your thoughts and petitions on our behalf. i know it gives us hope when we feel like we've hit a dead end. until next week, know that i am remembering you all by name and wishing you well. for those of you who read this, please relay my messages to my parents and grandparents and anyone else you feel won't see it. i love you all and will write again soon.

Countdown: 7 Days

So much has happened these last few weeks and I don't even know how to begin to communicate it all. I feel like I say that so often, but it is incredibly true.

I'll begin by saying that God has amazed me with the responses of other believers to my trip. When I am having an incredibly difficult and trying time in the restaurant during work and I am praying, begging God to help me, He brings me tables of Christians and other people that ask me what I'm doing with my summer, etc. It opens the door to talking about India and I have been nothing short of encouraged by the interest in God's work there by complete strangers and loved ones alike. It is more than I ever could have asked for. Ever. And more often than not, sacred moments of sharing India with people help me get through my nights. After small group last week, I stopped by Monte's insurance office to pick up a support check in the morning. I won't share b/c they wouldn't want me to, but they helped provide for my trip abundantly more than I could have ever asked for also. My eyes immediately filled with tears-- there is no way in the world I deserve such generosity-- and I said, "I don't deserve this." He gave me a look to which I quickly replied, "but God does." I am fairly sure his eyes filled with tears as well as he said, "That's right. And we are glad to be able to do it. You will be such a blessing to those children." I couldn't do much more than say thanks-- words were escaping me at the moment and well, I was choked up. I had a similar moment with Susan's mom in her driveway last week. She explained to me that although she may not be able to go right now, she has the means to send. And although I may not have the means to send myself, I am able to go. She said, "We are a team," and for the first time, I realized her words were true. When people have contacted me to donate to this ministry, I feel embarrassed and unworthy and a bit like a charity case. (Forgive me-- it is a result of years of learned behavior regarding this area of my life.) I mean, I am thankful beyond words, but I have never been a gracious receiver. Understanding that the money is God's money and not mine helps me handle that. Through my moments with Kathy and with Monte, I have seen the Body of Christ in a tangible way. I have seen their joy in giving and the confidence and trust they are putting in little ol' piddly me to be faithful to the ministry and to their contribution by being wholly committed to India. Wow. What a challenge, but also what a privilege.

The spiritual attack has not lessened at all in fact and this weekend Satan caught me at my worst. I failed-- pretty miserably actually-- and even was at a place where I thought I should call Liz, tell her I was completely unqualified, and that I could not travel to India. Of course, that was blowing what happened a teensy bit out of proportion, but after God has shown me so much, grown me in amazing ways, and surrounded me with so much support, how in the world could I even contemplated screwing up?! It was like throwing all His hard work in me back in His face. I let Satan beat me with the guilt Saturday night and early on into Sunday, but suprisingly, through God's plan and not my own I am sure, I didn't actually end up attending Horizon like normal. I went, they had a combined service at 10 am, I was clearly late, so I ended up driving to the Crux on 96th St. God knew I needed to hear that message that morning. At one point the pastor said, "God always desires a relationship with us. Even if we're Christians and have screwed up and feel like our sin is too big for Him to handle, He still wants a relationship with us, even if it is a restored relationship." It was interesting to hear him say that and my heart lurched when he did b/c I had been praying very shortly before that that God would restore the dark parts of my heart I begrudgingly yield to Him. I felt like God said to me that morning, "Stace, I love you and I want to extend my forgiveness to you." What sweet words from my Savior they were to me.

On another not, I started work at the doctor's office today-- BORING. I felt like snoring like my patients on the table, but that might have been slightly inappropriate. haha. I'm going to stick it out for two more days, but I am not convinced that I will go back after I return from India. It just makes me feel suffocated to do so. *Sigh. Anyway, I should head to bed...5:30 am rolls around quickly...